Why won't he move in?

[baublesforme]

Will try to keep this shortish if I can! So I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year now, I’m 8 months pregnant. It wasn’t planned but we spent a long time discussing wether we should continue with the pregnancy, we hadn’t been together long so it wasn’t an easy decision.
We both decided we loved each other and were happy, wanted to move in together and have this baby. Months pass and we have been happy, still living apart though at the moment.
We spend most of the week together, but weekends he goes home. We both have children from previous relationship, we’ve both met each other’s kids and all has been fine. He has his daughter who is 5 at weekends, I’ve suggested numerous times that he bring her and stay at mine, because the plan is once baby is born we we will all be living together, he will move in with me because it’s more practical. However it’s getting closer and closer to baby’s due date and he’s still not moved in, or brought his daughter to stay over.

I keep telling him he should be here living, his daughter too, for a while before baby is born so she settles in, but he just seems to brush it off, and won’t do it. I’ve asked him why and he doesn’t seem to have a reason, there is no practical reason why he can’t just move in.

He rings and messages me all weekend saying he misses me, Hates being away from me, but yet he’s choosing to be away from me? I don’t have my kids weekends, they are with their dad, so I’m often alone all weekend, especially at the minute with the restrictions in place.
I find it so frustrating! I don’t get it. He can’t give me a reason to not get on and move in. And I can’t think of a reason why he hasn’t!

We get on with each other’s kids, we both know how it will work financially when living together as it’s been discussed, we are both happy together, what reason could he be holding back?! He said he wants us to live together! I’m so confused. Not even sure what I’m asking here really... maybe some advice on getting him to get on with it, or at least tell me why he isn’t..

Missing the point here, but you're 30 and having your fifth kid?!? I only have two and am permanently exhausted. Can I have some of whatever energy magic pill you're having? 🤣

@Bluntness100

The thing is, this commitment was made very early on in your relationship before he really understood what he was committing too. The reality of living in a house with five kids and financially supporting will have unfolded much more since then. I suspect he just likes spending time alone with his daughter at the weekends and to have his own space to come snd go to,

I don't get this opinion at all. You seem to be saying OP is having a baby, why does this poor man need to be involved. Because it's his? I'm sure he does like having his own space and spending time alone with his dd, maybe OP would like that too. Maybe OP didn't "understand the commitment". It is equally their child, according to OP equally wanted by both. Maybe the baby should live with this guy, so that OP can have time with her other kids and her own space.

I'm with you OP, it would be absolutely ridiculous to try to be a dating couple with a newborn baby that you are both the parents of. What are you going to do? Go on a date and he makes conversation "so, how's the baby going?".

Moving in with your 4 children, 2 from different dads introducing a new baby into the world that has a different father then add his 5 year old into the mix is very challenging for the most stable of relationships

Judgemental as fuck.

I truly think your current partner is terrified of the situation

Diddums. C-o-n-d-o-m. They do exist. Was he too terrified to use one?🙄

Moving in with your 4 children, 2 from different dads introducing a new baby into the world that has a different father then add his 5 year old into the mix is very challenging for the most stable of relationships

“ Judgemental as fuck. “

I don’t think the poster was being judgemental. The fact is that it is a lot. Especially for a relationship that is only a year old. Having a baby that early in a relationship is a lot for most people who experience but then with children already in the mix is just increases that.

I don’t think he needs to move in to make it work. As long as he properly contributes to looking after the newborn, for a while it may be good to live separately and review as time goes on.

Best of luck, Op

[quote baublesforme]@TwentyViginti well this thread has made me see the light... I'm going to tell him he's not staying here Monday to Friday anymore. He's been doing exactly what suits him, well it doesn't suit me. [/quote]
Good on you OP... you're carrying the financial burden for him all week... so defo put a stop to this now 🌺

Cocklodger telling you what you want to hear. Actions actions actions. Words mean nothing sadly.

This one is hard to understand to be honest. Why is he saying he wants to be there at the weekends. Then going back to his own place. It’s an odd thing to do as it is clearly a lie. If he wanted to be there he would be. So why say it.

It’s like going into a restaurant saying god I really want the chicken, then ordering fish, and all the time you’re eating and enjoying the fish going on about how much you want the chicken.

He has strung you along I'm afraid. So he's living at yours 4 nights a week, not paying any bills, food etc. He must be saving a fortune, while you struggle as a single parent. You seem to think you know him as you say you have "no doubt" about him, quite a lot. Sorry but you don't know him, and you seem to put faith in his words rather than his actions - big mistake.

He likes the status quo, and he will string you along for as long as he can. Maybe he liked the idea of having 2 children of his own, so convinced you to continue the pregnancy. I've never met him but have "no doubt" if he wanted to be there for you, supporting you, contributing, he would be.

I just wrote a long reply and lost it🙄..
Minus the baby and young kids I'm in the same boat, I ended things last night as like yours there's never really been any 'actual' reason. As others have said actions speak louder than words..they're right. I think you need to get to the bottom of what it 'actually' is.. Finances.. Blended family.. Sleepless nights.. House move for his child and him.. All of that? It really helps if you know. I wish you luck

He has strung you along I'm afraid. So he's living at yours 4 nights a week, not paying any bills, food etc. He must be saving a fortune, while you struggle as a single parent

I agree! He taken you for a mug OP. He is a cocklodger as mumnet like to call them. Appears to be loads of men like this out there..they have no shame do they.

@DeeCeeCherry

Moving in with your 4 children, 2 from different dads introducing a new baby into the world that has a different father then add his 5 year old into the mix is very challenging for the most stable of relationships

Judgemental as fuck.

I truly think your current partner is terrified of the situation

Diddums. C-o-n-d-o-m. They do exist. Was he too terrified to use one?🙄

I don’t think this is judgemental. OP is young to be have 5 kids at the age of 30! Looking from a mans point of view does OP partner really want to settle with someone who is still young and is on her 5th child! Maybe he seen her coming and took advantage.

From OPs first description he didn’t sound too bad as the post has gone on.... there’s more to this situation. OP needs to consider her kids that she has currently got it’s not fair on them introducing them to a man who is not serious.

I feel for OP. I can see how he doesn’t want to move his daughter in with OP though. This conversation should of been had at the time when OP found out she was pregnant.

So to summarise, he spends all week with you paying for his food and bills, cooking and cleaning for him and having sex with him. Then, clears off at the weekend to spend some lovely time with his daughter.

Sorry OP but I can totally understand why you resent the cock lodger.

I wouldn't give baby his name, you're not married, you're not even living together!

He really is quite the cocklodger.
Spending all week at yours but can't be arsed to bring groceries each week. That's the least he could do.

Not sure why he keeps lying to you? Either he's a coward or an arse.
He probably likes the steady sex and meals made for him most of the week. Has he been to any of your prenatal appointments with you?
Is he going to the birth with you? If you haven't considered it yet, your doctor can do a tubal ligation shortly after the birth. I had it done after my last DC and it was a quick procedure.
You've already talked to him about this so I don't think there is much more you can say to him. Vote with your feet. Tell him he can't come over anymore. Cut things way back with him. Good luck!

Why do women, in 2020, do this to themselves? Five children...The planet is overpopulated. You were saying you loved each other after just a few months. He wont be moving in. I'm sorry but this is a mess. You're going to have to let go of this idea OP.

I think you’re making the right decision, he comes across as a cocklodger, using you for food and a warm place to stay, saving him money. Meanwhile the pregnancy has had an impact on your financial situation and he’s not helping you out with that despite living mortgage free with a good job. He’s having his cake and eating it with this set up. Meanwhile you’re 8m pregnant with 4 kids and a useless man to cater to. He should have stepped up before now, he’s lazy and tight-fisted. I hope when you put your foot down he realises he’s been of no help or support to you but I wouldn’t count on it, he sounds way too selfish to notice how his actions (or lack of) are impacting you. Good luck x

Thanks for the replies. I have told him that he's not staying here all week anymore, as usual though he still won't tell me why he won't move in. It's obvious he doesn't want to, but will not tell me why!

I had the copper coil fitted when I fell pregnant, it moved, so I had it removed and then lost the baby. I went onto the mini pill after that while I figured out what contraception was best, was poorly with a sickness bug, managed to fall pregnant the month after. Doctor thinks my body didn't absorb the pill properly as I wasn't well. So that's how I fell pregnant.
Also, my younger 3 children were born when I was married, financially secure and could afford those children. Things change, we divorced and now here I am. When I'm working I don't struggle financially I'm ok, I'm only struggling because I had to take so much time off due to the pregnancy.

Yes he's been to the appointments he has been allowed to attend and has been interested in the baby.

When I brought up him moving in again last night, he just got in a strop and said the usual stuff, he still can't give me a reason to not live with me, not one! Just keeps saying "I do want to and I will" but this isn't washing with me now. He's said so many times he will move in and then just doesn't.

Imo spending less time trying to figure out this man child and enjoying the rest of your pregnancy is the way forward. Contact Cms after the birth.
Give baby your name. Why wouldn't you?
Accept your relationship is going nowhere.. Tell him the free ride is over.

Maybe because he knows you'll expect him to pay his way and he quite enjoys sponging off you

I wouldn't even give him the option of moving in anymore.
Wouldn't be cooking, cleaning and washing his undies for him.
Give him relavant updates on your pregnancy, have him at the birth if you are comfortable. Give baby your name and lodge a cms claim as soon as baby is here.

He's having his cake and eating it

He does sound like he is having his cake and eating it but I do agree that moving into a situation with 5/6 kids is daunting . I think you need to proceed on your own without him cocklodging and get your birth control sorted out properly once and for all .

Stick to your guns now.
Don't have him around during the week.
Insist on having dates when he wants to see you. If he wants to act like someone you're dating rather than a partner then go whole hog.
He'll soon shit or get off the pot when he's paying for dates instead of having you pay for his life during the week.

When I had ds and didn't live with his df he came over a few nights a week. Never gave me any money for food /bills or ds. He had a fight with a neighbour and vowed never to come back over. His dps pressured him into buying a flat for us all. We moved in when ds was about 15 months. The resentment was obvious from the start. And so started years of basic neglect of his ds, of me and ended up in a bitter divorce.. And ds hasn't seen him for over 20 years.. No real relationship ever built... If he doesn't want the same life you do it really won't work. Walk away op.

I've told him now that him coming over weekdays stops, he's just making out I'm being unreasonable now. I don't see how? I fell pregnant, we discussed it a lot and both decided to move in together, he knew exactly what this would entail, and since then has actually lived with me and my kids for months Monday to Friday so has had plenty of time to say he doesn't want it anymore. I've asked him lots of times is he sure this is what he wants, he insists it is yet his actions say otherwise when he chooses to go home for weekends. He's saying I'm not being fair.

He's saying I'm not being fair

A cocklodger would say that, wouldn't he?

It's not fair his free weekday board and lodgings will stop. Waaaah!!!!

Well OP he wasn’t just going to roll over and sayOK was he? But just keep focusing on what you want for you and your kids. But be prepared for that being different from what he wants ( and I mean what he really wants not what he says to keep you sweet)