Dating Thread 197 - Dating into 2021 and beyond

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

That’s interesting @Whoknows11

I guess that’s a good dating reminder to us all not really get caught up in feeling we need to be “pursued”/feeling the other party has to “show enthusiasm” all the time in messages and communication

(which often is quite deceptive - someone who lovebombs or mirrors us or has no life of their own is going to be able to move fast and give us perfect chat initially but may be very bad news down the line!)

It’s just communicating like mature equal adults who like each other I guess rather than thinking someone has to “chase” or “win” the other person.

Hope the next date goes well and you get an advance on the walk to pub handhold

sleepybunk are you bunkbedpeople? I've started the year confused; probably a good indication of what's to come...

@WeWantTheFinestWines YY it’s my new new year name

Happy New Year folks !

I’m going to disagree with anyone describing those online dating through December and Christmas as desperate, crazy, or undateable! That’s wrong, those sticking to it are the hardcore seriously looking folks. For me the reaolutioners dipping into it in January are the real dangerous ones. Just like those at the packed gyms in January (not this one, obviously!), they’ll all melt away by February

I am almost at the point of leaving online dating for good actually. I will sleep on it. There’s just a tiny sliver of FOMO holding me in there, but it feels much like how I kept banging my head against a brick wall to keep my LTR going in that all the effort is from me and none of it is returned.

Thanks @Onesmallstep67 I wonder sometimes if my preference for slow and steady is simply self protection It’s hardly brought me the greatest success really. It just feels right to me after lots of dating over several years and seeing much flash in the pan stuff. Yet I get the feeling in practice it’s too slow and perceived as unavailability or lack of confidence to take things forward.

@HairyArsedMan at the risk of embarrassing you, please let me beg you not to give up! You are a kind, funny, intelligent catch, I think we would all agree on that. Maybe take a break and start again in the spring?

@HairyArsedMan I'm going to try much harder to go for your slow and steady approach this year as diving in head first has lead to short term heady but emotionally exhausting dalliances. I'm not up for that anymore. I'm really looking for someone who is, as another poster described, perfect for not perfect me. Or perfectish.

I've stopped swiping until I have date zero car park/walk/camper van date with MrGeog on Sunday who bless him is the perfect amount of keen, interested, funny & responsive to texts.

I've spent the day feeling blue mainly weirdly about my XH and where he gets off on not being amicable or grateful that I raise his sulky teens while he lives his best life elsewhere.

Not a happy Xmas or new year msg from him despite him being the arse who physically assaults our weedy son & had an OW & sees his kids approx 6-12 nights a year

I think a lot of my drive to meet a new partner comes from the annoyance that he went from me straight into the arms & family of another and hasn't had the inconvenience or day-in-day out drudge of solo parenting through a pandemic with special needs teens one of whom is chronically ill & depressed.

Tried to count my blessings as I cooked, cleaned, stacked logs, did laundry etc but still felt hard done by.

Hot bath & early to bed for me I think tonight. And some wine.

Noooooo @HairyArsedMan really?
Gosh. I'm shocked.

I don't think you should. You only need to find one woman who thinks you're the bees knees.

Maybe swipe every week instead of daily & up the screening criteria?

What's making you think about giving up OLD for good?

You can't give up hairy! You are one of the good guys! Intelligent, respectful, funny, supportive, not a fuckwit... It's a really shit time to be dating. Give yourself a break, focus on yourself and what you need to be happy, and when things look up (things will look up, won't they?) get out there again and find her.

You're amazing, rural, keeping the show on the road while your fuckwit exH swans about living his best life. It's not an uncommon situation sadly. It's great that you can look forward to seeing Mr Geog, I hope he makes things seem a bit less grim and a lot more fun.

@HairyArsedMan I get where you're coming from. I've been on the verge of doing the same at times - but FOMO keeps pulling me back in. I'm fed up with the endless swiping left, the excitement when you finally match with someone nice after countless left swipes, and a few right ones who don't feel the same. Then the build up of hope with some good chats - which is all dashed when they go quiet after a day or three.

And that's even before we get to meet, and find out that there's no spark on one side or the other.

So frustrating, and emotionally draining. But there's not really any alternative ways to meeting people at the moment so I keep on trying.

Today is a good example - Over the last few days I've finally managed to get a handful of matches after a lot of swiping and messaging. One in particular I really like, and she seemed keen too. Yet despite saying yesterday that she'd love to meet, I've hardly heard from her since. Another match messaged me this morning suggesting a video call this evening, but again - haven't heard from her since.

There are obviously lovely women out there looking for guys like me, but finding them at the same time they're trying to find me seems almost impossible.

Is FOMO fear of missing out?

If it is then I hear you.

My (long time married) best mate reckons it doesn't work 'like that'.
I was telling its a numbers game and don't want to take a sabbatical from OLD then look back and wonder if that was the time I might have met my guy.

But it's lacklustre and half hearted swiping for me or was before I had my flurry of phone chats and date zeros lined up.

I feel sure people are keeping themselves off OLD until pandemic and winter are over so those of us who have become dab hands surely will meet some wonderful people this year.

Also don't you think lockdown will see a load of breakups of people who were forced to spend more time together under one roof - that's surely going to increase the numbers of people looking for a new partner in 2021.

Ever the optimist.

Saved this for me. Worth sharing here

FOMO keeps us all going I think

@Ruralbliss yes, it is.

Quite a few women I've met/spoken to say they only go on the apps for a brief time, so I figure that if my perfect match does that while I'm taking a break, I'll miss out.

I agree that a lot of people are staying off OLD until we can at least meet up again. Although I've noticed a lot of new profiles on Hinge so it seems quite a few people have decided to sign up in the new year.

I'm sure you're also right about people looking for new partners having split up during lockdown.

Well my phone date tonight has postponed until tomorrow, and still no reply from my most hopeful match which is quite frustrating really. She started off really positive, replying quickly - but the last day or so has been much less responsive. Oh well - looks like some more hopes dashed...

2021 dating.

Happy new year everyone.
@HairyArsedMan you should definitely not give up, you sound lovely and a prize for someone!

I feel really blue. Mr P is pulling away from me after a stressful Christmas and new year. I need some advice please.
We've been seeing each other 11 months now but the Christmas period has been awful.
He lost a parent 3 years ago at Christmas, the same year he was divorced so doesn't enjoy the season.
He has openly admitted being miserable and having nothing to look forward to, nothing good in his life etc.
I always sit there feeling a bit of a fool when he says that but I'm.never confident enough to say, what about me ? Aren't I something good ?
I asked him if i made him happy once and he replied of course, that I bought light to his life etc but then said if I'm.asking that I'm obviously unsure and he isnt doing something etc and I ended up comforting him again.
I feel like i.do an awful lot of counselling and care giving. I listen to ex wife and end of marriage stuff a lot.
Then on Wednesday just before new years eve he got very upset about not being able to see his surviving elderly parent as he had been seeing me, he said he realised too late the risk etc.
I dont drive so had taken the train to him.
It became a huge issue, he was crying, I was crying through guilt and basically he didnt really talk to me for the rest of the evening.
He said he was down about everything and sad. I asked him.whether I should leave and go home and he said nonss he would be alone !
Going to bed was awful, he didnt cuddle me or even speak to me. It was like my marriage all.over again!
The next morning I tried to hug him but he said he felt ill and didnt want me to touch him.
He dropped me home and we have had minimal texts since. New years eve he text me at midnight to say hny and good night. We would normally chat all night by text on and off. Have done for 11 months.
Then this morning for the first time ever he didnt text me good morning.
I text him in the afternoon and he responded briefly.
This evening nothing again.
I don't know what I've done wrong, but I feel needy and ridiculous.

Agree with @Ruralbliss in that I think lots of people have realised their relationships are a bit shit so will definitely be looking in the new year. I would personally keep swiping but casually. The truth is it's rubbish with all the social distancing and nothing really one can do. Mr Yoga and I have grown accustomed to not seeing each other now. The news about Covid stuff is just too scary. My friend had to wait 18hrs for an ambulance to come to him.

It was a weird turn of events as he met my kids briefly today as I dropped something off. He later told me it made him hugely broody and that he wants his own kids. I'm not really sure what to do as we don't want to split but our circumstances are just so different.

Ohhhhh @Clovertoast this is not good news.

I'm so sorry. You poor thing.

From what you have written there as a summary it looks like MrP is depressed. Do you think he is? Maybe you know he is and he's being treated for depression?

Is it something you could raise with him when you next speak on the phone?

It is not your job to constantly counsel and jolly up someone.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Maybe if you'll leave him to wallow a bit he'll come to his senses realising what a great thing he could lose if he doesn't pull his finger out and treat you fabulously?

The lack of texts in the morning or evening is the worst. And after 11 months ffs.

@Eesha how different are your circs to MrYoga's?

@Clovertoast Mr P sounds like he's overwhelmed by things and perhaps you need to step back and manage your expectations. I don't think you should also be too much of a sounding board about exes etc. Mr Yoga had a family incident which made him then decide to isolate 'just in case' his parents needed him. He then wanted to cool things off with me. I think he was just overwhelmed. Mr P obviously has a lot on his plate and I think you need to give him some space to resolve it himself.

@Ruralbliss I have toddlers. My ex is an alcoholic but a functioning one so at present is ok, has a partner and is trying to show his good/less angry side. The kids adore him but they are tiny. Mr Yoga is alone and wants his own kids. He says I have a complicated situation so no gap for him to fill (ie my ex exists). But when I say maybe to split, he says he doesn't want to, and there are lots of things he needs to sort out for himself rather than have kids urgently. He says having kids is definitely something he would want. Also, I'm limited to evening chats plus weekend meets whereas I think he's more used to relationships growing organically, ie spending more and more time together, then staying over more. I'm the first person he has dated who has kids.

Thank you both. He has said he is depressed, mainly due to the loss of the parent, and he finally admitted to me he was on anti depressants about 2 months ago. I already knew as I've watched him take one every night before bed but said nothing.
I'm trying to see it like that, to give him space. He's really sad about everything, he told me he feels a profound sadness but he also told me he thinks IM sad too.
I think what happens is I overthink, panic and then freeze, dont know what to say etc so we often sit in silence.

I'm trying really hard not to message him this evening but we always message so this is weird for me.
If he has decided this is over I will honestly be devastated. He was my first relationship after my abusive marriage and I really thought we were headed somewhere.
I'll give him the space he wants though.

@Clovertoast sorry to hear that, that sounds like an awful time for you.

I've kind of been where Mr P has quite a few years ago, and I recognise my own behaviour back then in what you've described.

If he's depressed, which it sounds like he may well be, then the fact you're in his life won't register as a good thing. He'll just be thinking of all the bad things, and nothing anyone says will change his view.

Asking him if you make him happy is a question without an answer really, as if he's depressed then nothing will make him happy. Something I learnt when I was going through it was that only me could make myself happy again. Nothing my girlfriend at the time said would make any difference - and in fact, often made things worse. I would do exactly as Mr P did and become distant and push her away. I didn't even know why - just that I was unhappy, and she didn't get it.

To answer your last line - you've done nothing wrong at all. It's all down to him. Unfortunately, it's mostly going to be down to him to turn things around. You need to decide whether you're happy to be there for him while he's like this, or give him a warning shot across the bows and tell him you aren't going to accept being treated like that and that he'll lose you if he doesn't turn things around.

@Clovertoast

I agree with pps - you sound really naturally empathetic which is lovely, but maybe try and step back and take yourself out of the “fixer”/overfunctioning role here?

If MrP is depressed or unhappy then give him some space to work on it.

I have long term depressive tendencies and if “the love of a good person” could fix it that would be a multi- billion pound medical problem solved!

The festive period is often weird - family pressures, COVID stuff this year, feeling we’ve got to be perfect and have this ideal perfect day full of love - really it’s just a week in the year.

If someone doesn’t enjoy it that’s their choice and you can’t force them - look forward to a nice sunny holiday together or something?

You’re not needy or ridiculous we’ve all been where you are.

Maybe just focus on yourself for a bit - have you got your own projects to be concentrating on? Deal with that then you’ll feel stronger when it comes to MrP.