Dating Thread 197 - Dating into 2021 and beyond

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Eesha woohoo, your post about your date made me smile .

@Eesha
I'm so pleased the date went well and not at all surprised you didn't socially distance🤣
I could never meet my boyfriend and socially distance if i hadnt had sex for a while🙈

@Dancerinthemoonlight
Thanks for starting the thread again hope things in your family are going ok. Have you managed to see your dad since his news came to light?

@newnamenewposts
Mr BE is the one in the wrong here.
Sleeping with someone on the 3rd date is fine, if I was dating I'd be doing it on the 1st date if I could as sex is hugely important to me in a relationship.
Please stop messaging him, you will just make yourself feel worse when he doesnt reply.
Unless a relative has died or he is seriously injured/ill then there is no excuse for not replying to your messages especially as you had already made plans.
I'm with the others who have said he has at least shown his true colours early on.
Going forward if you have sex with the men you're dating it should be because you want to and not just because he hinted towards a relationship and thats what you wanted too, some men will say anything to get women into bed which is ironic as there are a lot of casual sex sites where they could find casual sex.

@Ruralbliss
Cant believe you've found another one who doesnt ask about you, what the hell is wrong with these men.
You've got some really great boundaries since you've analysed your previous relationships.
Did you tell this man the truth of why you didnt want to see him again?
I think its good to tell them and then hopefully they will improve (or is that wishful thinking🤣)

@yellowhighheels
Sorry forgot to reply in my last lengthy post....its polite in general to not say horrible stuff about other peoples belongings but even more polite when chatting/dating to not offend the other person.

Something is only banter if everyone involved finds it funny.

Not everything we own is going to be to everyones taste but decent people find something nice to say even when they dont like something.

I think he is showing his true colours early on, banter at the start of chatting is hard to get right so most people would make jokes about things that everyone from kids to grans would find funny and unlikely to offend.

You can do so much better, find someone who appreciates your plants and your plant pot covers.

I'm intrigued about what 'ugly' plants you have and also what these plant pot covers look like - are they crocheted?

thanks Eesha and Sortingitout that's what I feel, be polite and get to know someone a bit before the piss taking starts! But I was wondering if I'm out of touch as I recently binged a series of Celebs go Dating and all of the contestants were obsessed with wanting a partner to banter with which seemed to involve a lot of this sort of thing which isn't really my sense of humour tbh, at least not until I know someone!

Haha my ugly plants are hanging succulents so I think are quite lovely jn their own slightly poky way! covers are sewn from coloured material, I sort of made them up as i went along with curtain offcuts

Thanks for having me back btw, I change names sometimes as I've discussed a few personal and work issues on MN but dip in and out of this thread as the dating seems never ending and it's always a great thread.

@newnamenewposts what Sorting and Rural said.

You did nothing wrong - he is a dick

I'm chatting to a new iron with potential ... and he will call later, he's asking millions of nice thoughtful questions!!!!! He lives far away but often works near me. It's worth a chat if nothing else

@SortingItOut yes I will if he gets in touch asking to see me again as you say they need to be told so they have the knowledge to not do it to another woman.

My new stock response will be "I'm not attracted to men who don't ask Qs about me and my life. Good luck with your search."

In the same vain I'm not going to ghost people as persists the culture of it being an ok thing to do.

Feeling on cloud nine today. Turns out having high standards and sticking to them is the key to true self sufficient happiness.

Lovely to have a man-free mind for first time in bloody ages.

@SortingItOut I have seen him a few times. I was meant to go for dinner with him on Tuesday night but he was running late and ended up seeing me at 8pm and got KFC. We talked for a bit, it doesn't mean he loves me any less bla bla bla. He has invited me to stay with them for a week but I said I'd think about it. If I meet her and her children I want to meet them on neutral grounds not at theirs. He is the typical Disney dad who thinks throwing money at things will fix them. When I told him that I felt he loved my brother more than me last year he took me out clothes shopping because a brand I like was having a sample sale. This year he has promised me some money when he gets paid at the end of the month/next month. (can't see this happening but no idea)
Part of me goes I don't want a relationship with him because he is/was financially, physically and emotionally abusive. Has never been there for me etc but then part of me thinks if he is making an effort to get to know me maybe i should meet him halfway.

It has made a lot of my dating habits make sense. Why I used to wait an hour plus for a man to turn up on a date, why I used to let men treat me less than I deserved, why I travelled to see them. Now I know why I and I see my worth I can fix those problems.
For the first time in a very long time I am enjoying being single and I am probabaly going to stay not dating until March as I have never had a consistent period off the apps. Even after previous breakups I would be back on within a month without giving me time to properly asses what went wrong.

I have nothing to add to the pearls of wisdom being scattered here. Yay for knowing your boundaries, no excuse for ghosting, have sex on whatever date you want, we're all adults, leave 'banter' until you know the other person better and hooray to everyone who's having a good time dating out there. Just marking my place in the new thread even though I'm off the apps for a breather.

You are all so strong, thank you. @Ruralbliss thank you for your words I wish I was feeling as strong as you. I normally am but this really caught me out.
Oh well I'll have wallow today while watching shit Christmas films on channel 5 then back to business tomorrow, life must go on

Oh and I have to say I've also had a few of those that never ask questions about you, definitely a red flag. They only have there eyes on one prize.

Cripes @Dancerinthemoonlight so the big secret is out. Any explanation as to why he didn't think to mention his other family over the past 8 years?

Interesting to read how you have made a definite link between the way your dad has behaved and your dating habits. Suspect there is something similar at play with me.

My dad shows nil interest in anyone but himself. I suspect autism but only as it helps me understand.

Easy to see how those of us with dire experiences of parenting might feel comfortable with dire dating experiences.

A woman recently said to me (of my daughter seeming to enjoy boys making rude goady comments about her extreme online persona) that as she's been bullied by boys in the past this might be her comfy place.

Lots of deep psychological & emotional shit to work through for many of us to work through & midwinter amid a pandemic seems like a good time to do it.

I've been making a playlist of good upbeat break up or screw you songs & will share some here later once I'm finished painting, cooking, wrapping, helping teens find their 'lost' hoodies etc 👍

@Ruralbliss no explanation of why he kept it a secret. I don't care why he did it because he has barley been part of my life and it just shows the kind of person he is. I have turned out to be a strong independent woman without any input from him. Yes I will take the money from him because he has 'borrowed' (taken) enough from me over the years.

Good for you @Dancerinthemoonlight, take the money and be justifiably proud of the woman you have become!

Also thanks for the new thread

@newnamenewposts I have also worried that by sleeping with people “too soon” I have devalued myself to them or let them “win” by seducing me but now I’m thinking well if I want sex there’s no difference between me and a man wanting that and I refuse to judge myself after so many years in a sexless marriage. And if a man has such double standards he can fuck off. I have had to be careful not to let myself confuse sex with closeness though as that has REALLY hurt me in the past. No matter how close you feel during the act, if there are no signs of care in other ways (asking about you as per @Ruralbliss and her red flags, messaging you, showing interest and consideration) then it means Jack. But in NO WAY judge yourself. You did nothing wrong.

@Eesha so glad you had a lovely time with Mr Yoga xxx

I had a lovely weekend in a hotel with Mr Ginger. He treats me like a Queen. However there is the undeniably gnarly situation with his ex and the whole “is he using me as an escape ladder?” thing. He kept trying to plan things in the future and I kept going back to “you aren’t in a position to commit to me and this is very early stages. I’m just taking it one date to the next”. Meanwhile am still seeing Mr Local. I haven’t told Mr Ginger about him but I have said I am not wedded to exclusivity. I feel he is rushing me - but also we did have a very fun time this weekend 🤷‍♀️. I’m realising I don’t need a man to be happy but I would like one. I think I wanted Mr Beard to be my escape ladder and have found myself wondering whether I would have fallen head over heels in love with him had it not been for lockdown and also for his bait and switch flaky fuckboy techniques and his insane arrogance. I think if he had declared love for me at 6 weeks I might have seen our incompatibility and backed out myself...

This is such a learning curve

@newnamenewposts don't feel bad about sleeping with him after 3 dates, and I agree with everyone else here who says he's a dick for not replying.

Whatever his reason for not wanting to see you again, there is no excuse for ignoring you. Don't let it get to you though.

Adding to the discussion about when to sleep with someone - I really don't see it as a win if I get a women into bed, or think any less of her if it's on the first date or not. Sexual compatibility is an important factor for me, and personally I like to know quite early on if someone I'm dating is a good match, but I also need to feel like I know them quite well too as I need a mental connection as well as fancying them physically. So for me, 2nd or 3rd date is the ideal time but everyone is different, and I'm more than happy to wait if the other person wants more time.

I also don't get why guys aren't asking you all questions! I love finding out about people, and that's one of the things I enjoy about OLD - learning about people, their life, what they enjoy. Even if we don't end up meeting, you never know what you might find out. I've discovered new bands, TV series, bars and places to travel to amongst other things. Someone needs to give these guys a talking to!!

A Sunday evening update from me! It's been a busy few days.

So after "trainer-date" last week, I've got myself onto my exercise bike every day - although sadly it hasn't magically reversed the last 9 months of lockdown snacks, but at least I'm making a start.

I also matched with someone on Tinder a few days ago - quite rare for me, as I've pretty much given up on there as it just wasn't working for me. We messaged a bit that evening, exchanged numbers and spoke on the phone for well over an hour. We got on so well, that we arranged to meet last night. Lots in common, fancied her and had a really nice time. The date ended with a totally non-socially distant kiss, and we've arranged to see each other next weekend. She's definitely worth of a name - Miss Rose.

I also had a quick coffee and walk date in the afternoon with someone I've been chatting to for a week or so - wasn't really sure what to expect, but actually had a really nice time. We both said we'd like to meet for a proper date, but since then I've not had a reply to my message sending her my number to arrange it. There are more ghosts in my dating life than a haunted house.

I've also got an outside dinner/drinks date next week with Miss Walker, who I last saw just over 2 weeks ago. We've kept in touch a few times a week, although don't really say much. I'm not sure it will develop into anything romantic, but I think we get on well as friends.

@TheCatWithTheHat
Your post is one which I would 'like' if msn would let me

A solitary weekend for me apart from messages form soon to be fwb. Thinking we may have to beak a few rules under cover!

Oooooh nice update @TheCatWithTheHat I bet you are pleased to have come across Miss Rose & things are mutually agreeable.

Great stuff.

Yeah I don't get the non question asking either but then I'm that person who'll get talking to someone in bus queue and drag their whole story out of them.
Once got an incredible story out of ticket collector on train. Loved it.

Just glad I've now realised this is top of the non negotiable list for me after a lifetime (really!) of thinking it was no big deal. It's a major big deal.

Found you all 😊

I too don't see anything wrong with sleeping with an iron on any number date if that's what you want. I agree that you need to find out if you're sexually compatible too - I'd rather no sex than bad sex

Got a new iron. Ill call him mrPT. Been on one date so far and got on really well. Hoping we can meet again this week. I'm really keen but trying not to be 🤦‍♀️

Hello, checking in!

Sounds like you're on a roll , catwiththehat!

Now...what I'm wondering is...where's bunkbedpeople? Entwined and blissful with Mr C, dare we hope?

@Ruralbliss great boundaries!

I do find reading everyones posts insightful. They bring up things that I hadn't noticed/thought of but make a lot of sense.

I saw MrTall on Friday night, we had a lovely time, lots of chatting (and he always asks lots of questions about me too which is nice) over a bottle of wine. I really enjoy spending time with him.
We did also sleep together and there was lots of pillow talk, he went around the houses but did eventually ask if we could go out for a proper night out "with food and drinks and stuff" .... I resisted the urge to ask him if he meant on a proper date
We have been messaging pretty regularly since, our communication definitely seems to be increasing the more times we see each other.

I admit, I am allowing myself to become a little smitten, but do keep reminding myself that we met on fab, we both still have active profiles on there and are both still talking to other people (though I have no plans to meet anyone else at the moment and he says the same).
He could just want an actual FWB thing, where going out and doing other things other than sex is just the friends part. I feel it's too soon to question what his motives are.

Yes I do hope @Bunkbedpeople is having fun.

My new iron, I had a video call today, is quite something. I felt giddy, he's hot and smart and attentive and asks questions. I'm doing my best to stay grounded but he likes me too. He's been very open and honest about that. So I best name him ... Mr FF ... he does have a foot fetish ☺️ I am unfazed so far.
We chatted on fab, he doesn't want to do super casual, he wants connection.

We will arrange dates...

I've lost interest in the other chats.

I'm trying not to over invest

Keep me on the ground people

craving Force yourself to talk to the others, keep juggling!

I've just had a lady on Fab very insistently try to get me to agree to fulfil a specific fantasy of her husband's. I call him up to come and have a look at my garden (it's his job), and then I seduce him.No social beforehand, as it will spoil the surprise. She seemed quite taken aback when I pointed out some flaws in her cunning plan

crack that's hilarious! I've been wondering about bunkbed too. Hoping she's gone quiet because she's having too much fun to update us lot.

Despite general malaise on here recently, people are managing to have good dates, which it's totally joyful and gives me hope for the future 😊

cravingthelook I struggle to keep interest in other chats too once I clearly like someone more than the others even though I know its in my interest to 🤦‍♀️

@yellowhighheels its called 'negging'. Throwing negative comments your way to undermine you. At best he's thoughtless. I wouldn't go any further