Dating Thread 197 - Dating into 2021 and beyond

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@SortingItOut

have you communicated with new work (congratulations ) yet as a heads-up?

Maybe think about getting all the essential practical stuff you need to do sorted, then sit back when those boxes are ticked and have a check-in with how you feel then?

@SleepyBunk
Not told work yet as results came in after 9pm last night but I will contact them later once I know what date I'm self isolating from.

Thank you, I'm sure I'll be fine in a few hours, going to walk the dogs and sort the chickens out and that should help clear my head a bit.

@SortingItOut your annoyed feelings are valid but try to be annoyed at the person or people involved be annoyed at the easily transmissible virus.

You took a calculated risk by having him to stay when you did knowing he'd been in contact with people who hadn't kept themselves to themselves which is exactly why these lockdowns only work if people heed them.

I'm more worried about whether you'll get ill than DD birthday or new employment (they will be obliged to be understanding- can you do any of it from home?)

How old is DD? What plans do you have for birthday? Can anyone rise bob to shop and leave at yours for her?

I think this is a stark reminder fir those of us still meeting up with irons as to what this might mean for our health and those around us.

I hope you get test soon and haven't caught it.

You are definitely allowed to feel annoyed though.

Try NOT to be alloyed at the person. Sorry.

Thanks all. Yes I think she's keeping me as a back up option whilst she goes on other dates. I suppose at least it's not a no . But as there's not much enthusiasm to go on might just leave it a day or so and wish her happy new year. She did me and it feels a bit churlish not to reply similar (and I would like to leave the option open). We had a good chat actually and I'd say she's looking for @cravingthelook's look (aren't we all) and had been on 30/40 dates since June. That's some going. She was telling the story of a friend who just "knew" 5 minutes after meeting someone and they moved in together, introduced kids almost straight away. No red flags there obviously .

@SortingItOut. He almost certainly got it from his son. You're definitely allowed to be cross (congrats on new job). When did his son show symptoms? As with @HairyArsedMan
Amused to hear of irons re-appearing. I wonder if it's a man thing, I've had none so far and have resisted temptation to send 1 in particular myself. Is it just a man thing I wonder?

@NVision - just to re-iterate what everyone else says. You seem a bit down on yourself so just accentuate the positives. Say boxsets rather than tv for example? And as @Hairy says, don't rely on it too much, sociable interests is could be the way to go if you can find the time.

Oh @SortingItOut that’s a bit shit and you are allowed to be annoyed but at this stage of rapid transmission the possible sources of Infection could be many and I guess he doesn’t want to blame his son outright.
Internal seething is best!
In Ireland the self isolation time is 14 days from when you were last in contact with the person. So if its 10 days in the UK it’s likely to be from 28th when you last saw him as thats within 48hrs of his first symptoms.
Hopefully work will be sympathetic - are you likely to be tested quickly? I know you’ll still have to self isolate but at least you’ll know for the rest of the household.

I’m afraid of this happening too!

Thanks everyone for comments - I dont fit the criteria to be tested as I've got no symptoms so I either lie and get tested and self isolate whether negative or positive or dont lie, dont have a test and self isolate so its all much the same.

DD is 18 and we were supposed to be going out for lunch but we were moved to Tier 4 on Boxing Day....she is going to her dads in the evening.

I'm hoping I can do some from home but I'm so scared to mention it, I need to get a grip.

Then son got his cough at the same time as Mr K which was 24hrs after Mr K collected him although the mum said they had been under the weather since Xmas Day (when Mr K had his son as well but didnt tell him😡)

Sorry @SortingItOut if someone I loved went down with Covid I would feel anxious and concerned for him, not annoyed. This is a highly infectious disease; my XH for instance goes nowhere and sees no-one but still got it (and suffered greatly). And you did invite him round knowing he hadn’t been exactly isolated...

Well it doesn’t sound like Mr K knew and I’d probably give his family benefit of doubt too. Bit under the weather doesn’t amount to much and it’s more connecting dots in hindsight. And it’s a good point about household mixing, if you are then it’s always a risk. Sure work will by sympathetic.

Thanks to all who replied @TheCatWithTheHat @Eesha @Dancerinthemoonlight @HairyArsedMan @WeWantTheFinestWines @DudeFromThatLondon. General consensus seems to be:

• yes mention having a son on my profile (all apps)
• continue to not use any photos of me and son
• continue to use topless shot
• focus on positives and try to be a bit fun or lighthearted in my bio, don't give everything away
• having a nice instagram to link - not so important, but may want to think about making a new one just for that
• trying to get out a bit more and find sociable hobbies and meet people that way. Any suggestions anyone?

@Bunkbedpeople years ago I used to swipe right on everyone and then judge when matched (very rarely), but since then I have heard you are penalised for doing this and put lower in the stack. I remade Tinder account yesterday actually. I've had 5 likes in ~20 hours and matched with 4 of them (1 I didn't think was my type at all) - even though they blur the photos of people who have liked you I find it easy to figure out who it is and make sure I swipe right on them. Have sent first messages, no responses yet. I swipe through as much as I'm allowed to in a day and maybe swipe right on 2/3s of people.

But generally I find that when I remake tinder (big thanks to a friend who informed me this puts you back at the top temporarily) I get a handful of likes in the first few hours and then I guess because most people swipe left I fall in popularity and move to the bottom of the stack. After this I'm lucky to get 1 like a week. And typically matches are (or soon become) non-responsive so I find myself remaking my account (switch between personal phone and work phone with different numbers and email addresses) every week or 2.

Is everyone else's experience of tinder similar? I suspect women may maintain high amounts of likes for some time? I've seen a female friends and she had 100s of likes waiting for her and pretty much anybody she swipes right on is a match. But I'm interested to know if my experience is similar to other men? Same applies to Bumble.

@Mayzee I think that's a valid point about age range here. Currently I look 22-30 (myself being 28), aware that 22 is young but I guess I worry I'm excluding potential interest and at least by that age they have done uni/have a grad job or have a few years of work behind them already so hopefully fairly mature. Perhaps I should expand that upper bracket in a similar way, age is not too much of an issue for me, just figured that generally women want an older man although may be ok with 1-2 years younger.

Also why do people keep using the word 'iron'? Have never heard this anywhere other than here... what's the origin/meaning behind it?

Sorting , sorry that you have found yourself having to isolate. It seems the timing is the issue here, new job and DD's birthday - both things that have put you under pressure. It's natural to then feel frustrated and stressed. This virus has certainly made life difficult for many of us. I've had my DDs 21st and 16th in the last couple of weeks with Christmas in the middle. I felt more stressed and lots of 'Mom guilt ' that neither had the celebrations that they would have normally had. But the days passed and ultimately their health and well-being is more important than anything else.

@DudeFromThatLondon

Hmmm, got a reply from yesterday’s iron saying she’d let me know if she’s up for a walk. Is that a polite no or is she genuinely thinking about it? Hard to know I suppose. Could just leave it there or say cool, be nice to get to know you better, let me know if you do.

I've had this lots over the years. It's a 'polite' no (I would say its actually not polite, much rather just be told no they're not feeling it and leave it at that - but I suspect there is always the risk of aggressive/angry responses if you do that). I suspect if you ask again after another few days or week of okay chat, you'll get much the same or eventually be ignored/silently unmatched.

@NVision i have a few friends who met people via meetup groups, mainly walking round the city.

Dude and whoknows it certainly looks like the irons that are not committing to dates aren't doing so for a reason. If I like someone and want to get to know them or spend time with them I get in touch and make the plans. Or explain why I can't at the moment but keep the communication up. If or when I am back on the apps I will really try to keep all the top advice on here at the forefront of my searches and interactions. Ultimately if someone is interested they don't risk being flaky, slow or non committal.

Hello all...
I was on this thread about 2 years ago and I’m sad to report 2 years on still meeting flaky men, being ghosted, breadcrumbed and meeting men who don’t look like their pictures.
So new year new me.... haha no new year same old..
Happy new year guys

What are you doing swiping on 2/3rds of the profiles @Nvision ? You can’t possibly date all of them. It smacks of opportunism/need for validation or not knowing what you want.

I may swipe right maybe once a week if I’m lucky ? And that’s not because I have a particularly fixed idea of who I want - it’s because most of the profiles are bloody dreadful. So, admittedly, I’m not speaking from a position of great success here but at least I’m not setting myself up to feel ignored by 2/3rds of the online dating population who I don’t really like anyway !

@NVision I would certainly increase your upper limit to about 33 or so. And having nieces aged 21 and 23, there is no way they or their friends would be the settling down with someone with a child type so I think 22 is young.
But I’m in my 40’s so what do I know 😂
Irons refers to the phrase ‘irons in the fire’ as in keep a lot of irons in the fire to keep your options open; but I do agree with @HairyArsedMan, maybe become more discerning on the swiping as it will become more demoralising as you swipe loads and match much less.

@HairyArsedMan Well... I don't know. I feel its a numbers game ultimately. If I swiped right on one person a week I honestly don't think I'd ever get a match and then (hopefully) the resulting conversation and date.

The bulk of my swipe lefts are either:

• if profile just says to message them on insta or snapchat and give their @, I figure that they are just hunting for followers/social media clout so I swipe left
• very attractive, influencer style photos, way out of my league basically, blank profile (or insta/snap profiles referred to only), swipe left
• has a written up profile and is clearly the complete opposite to me in various ways, regardless of looks I swipe left

There are a lot of more 'normal' looking/styled people (i.e. not wannabe influencers) with blank profiles, so feel I should at least give a chance of a match with them and hopefully get to know them. So I swipe right on the majority of these based on distance and any hints from their photos to anything in common or that they are quite interesting/fun.

This is an interesting challenge to my approach though so I do appreciate! I already had scaled down from years ago just swiping right on everyone without even looking. Potential to change it up more then... food for thought.

@Mayzee Yeah I suppose fair point, I guess just want to keep it broad in case it allows the occasional extra match. Maybe I will move more towards say 25-33 then.

P.s. thank you for the iron explanation!

@NVision Hello 👋 I hope what I'm about to say doesn't get misconstrued but you sound completely lovely and I often think those people who identify as 'normal' and standard surely have more luck finding special someone than those of us who identify as alternative and edgy and non-mainstream

So what I'm trying to say is I would imagine there are a lot of decent women who would be looking for someone like you - a solid, honest, likeable person with standard pastimes and views etc.

Also don't forget - like job hunting you only need to find one ☝️ and it's not a race and even if it was it would be a marathon not a sprint. There's no deadline.

Just make sure to live your best life as a single guy as others have said do some stuff because it works for you whether that's learning an instrument, reading more, making stuff blah blah blah and be grateful OLD dating exists.

I'm convinced my life would have followed a very different path if I'd had access to OLD in 1998 instead of going back to my then ex bf despite his dire mental health & marrying him.

Good luck and keep us posted with any interesting news you have. We all live vicariously through one another's successes and are here for one another when hopes get dashed.

Dangers of swiping right too quickly... I was excited to see someone on Bumble had matched me overnight. Until I read their profile and saw "I'm a tranny and very naughty" 😂

I hate the numbers game cliché @NVision. Online introduces you to greater numbers of people than you might encounter via your social circle, for sure, but your social circle is filtered based on your lifestyle and geography. Larger numbers mean you might see more people in absolute terms but not in relative terms. You just get to see all the people from 20 miles away you’d not normally encounter and guess what ... most of them are as unsuitable as the ones that live nearby. So I think my one swipe right a week is actually pretty high in the circumstances !

Why are you worried/so determined about getting lots of matches ? I tend to think ‘so what?’ if I don’t get a match. What are the consequences ? My life goes on; I’ve got plenty of stuff to get on with.

@ThisTooShallBe
Of course I'm concerned about Mr K but his current symptoms are very mild and I'm hoping they dont worsen.

I do accept full responsibility for being in his bubble, I guess I hadn't 100% thought of the consequences although my DD has still been going to college and I've been going to the office so I think we've been very lucky not to get it so far anyway.

Oh poo I wrote a long post for @NVision but lost it when phone died.

I'll try again

For what it's worth this is my experience & approach with OLD and swiping (I only use Tinder and occasionally Bumble but frequently reach the end of people in my area with my criteria)

I swipe right on very few people - only those I think might be my kind. Up until recently no interesting profile words was a left swipe but I've softened in this and it's borne fruit.

Of those a large majority don't bother responding to my nice opening inquisitive msg or are dire at textual conversation or say something really off putting or just unlatch me mid conversation without warning.

Those that seem interest and interested I suggest a phone call ASAP ideally same day as matching.
I learned the hard way that just because a person gives great text doesn't mean they aren't a total nob (eg the other day finally spoke to a busy guy I'd been enjoying sporadic texts through Xmas - interesting job, funny, kids same age but sadly a deep anti-Covid conspiracy theories believer & in the 60 mins we 'chatted' I got very few words other than 'Mmmmm I see' in...)

Proceed to first date or date zero ASAP if both parties still keen after phone to check out in person physical compatibility (eg I've turned up to meet blokes who are older than their pics or very short or just unable to make eye contact and totally awkward sorts)

Etc.

So if you approach it like a recruitment campaign it's the equivalent of sifting through CVs for suitable candidates then doing phone interview, second round etc.

Annnnnnd even then what I've learned is date 2,3, 4, 5 are still data gathering exercises for both parties and no guarantee of a solid relationship which is why some people continue swiping and chatting and meeting others (pre pandemic obviously) to have further irons and not pinning hopes into someone who may turn out to be not right for you or you them!