Dating Thread 197 - Dating into 2021 and beyond

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I’ve name changed - for the older hands, I’m Mr GN’s girlfriend 😂 having progressed from FWB via Fab.

@SortingItOut I think his behaviour is irritating rather than a red flag. Time/space is all very well but there should be clear, respectful communication to you about it. A face-to-face discussion should sort it out, I’m sure.

I’m with @HairyArsedMan about avoiding the inquisition on early dates, and letting info flow. But a watching brief is very important on this point. Too many men value women on their looks/sex appeal/amenability alone, and honestly aren’t bothered about their personality/life experience/humour. These men are duds, in my opinion.

@Whoknows11 .... there's no rule that says he has to message first, especially not 3/4 dates in

Mr FF and I are getting along great and just trying to navigate the logistics of a meet soon.
He's just about on his Christmas holidays so that might help. It could be as soon as tomorrow night ... more likely Wednesday. Then perhaps not again until after new year.

Hello @ThisTooShallBe 👋

Yes that's it no inquisition required. I always like to think of it (OLD) like a pub or a party where you start by catching someone's eye, they do the same, you look them up and down and like their style, give a smile, start chatting about something random and flirting. Asking interview style Qs not really appropriate or needed.

But for me now if I go on a dinner date and afterwards realise it was all about him him him and no Qs of me I will be not pursuing anything further with him.

I have had a heady (no pun intended) of it over last two and a half years. The good times have rolled. But I'd rather stay single now than take another turn on that emotional rollercoaster.

No more incurious men for me. I'm not doing another short term hedonistic fling. I want a partner and a best mate so they'll need to show their interest by being curious about me and interested.

I'm enjoying the new rule so far it's like a social experiment

Oh and the coffee and cake date of Saturday who asked no Qs & who texted me later that night calling me 'Gorgeous woman. Can't wait to meet you for longer and in daylight' never got in touch again so my gut was right. No Qs = low interest therefore not suitable as long termer

I found you! Thought the thread had gone quiet😆

@newnamenewposts just had to comment that I’ve had the same thing happen to me with the only 2 irons I’ve had sex with...first one was called Mr Blue Eyes too I dtd with both on date 2 and had a date 3 with both and then nada!

Things are progressing nice and slowly with Mr TourGuide. We’ve messaged every day since we first matched, we have met twice for coffee and he’s just lovely. I really want to move things on to a more intimate level so I’m really hoping we can have a proper date this weekend where we go out and have dinner and a proper kiss and maybe more. Isn’t it mandatory on date 3

I think you’re bang on the money @Ruralbliss.

I had a bizarre date with a man in 2019. We met and went for a long, long walk (why? Practice run for Covid?). He prattled on incessantly about himself. After an hour he said ‘wait, I know I’m supposed to ask you about yourself’. I then talked for two minutes about me, with no prompts or signs of interest from him. Then he said ‘ok, so I have two siblings...’ and off he went again. Utterly odd. But as it turns out, he was homeless, lives on trains when I’m the UK.

It’s oldbslls like this that make me love OLD!

@Mayzee glad to hear that it's not only me and even better still that you have met someone else who seems to have potential.
Usually I've been a lot more blasé with the ghosters but this one really got to me. I'm not sure if time off is need or I need to get back back on the horse and keep swiping?
Date 3 should be compulsory otherwise you could over invest in a small willy 😂

It's funny, it makes me realise that we all have red flags that we are super super sensitive about. For me, it's anything that smells of negging/ put downs. I'm constantly chatting to Mr Double Decker, we are still getting on surprisingly well, he is constantly affectionate, super supportive and tells me how fantastic I am, but I had a flashback today that flooded me with fear. We were in his van on Sunday, and he pointed at his cutlery organiser and went "Look, nice and tidy- not like yours!" (he'd washed up at mine the day before). It may or may not have been a completely harmless comment, but because I guess my "hot" issue is being belittled and criticised, my brain suddenly just went "FEAR! FEAR! FEAR! FEAR!".

In other news, there seem to be very very very few men on Bumble at the moment (where have they gone??), but I matched with someone who lives literally up the road. He wants us to have a cup of tea or something, and I'm up for that, but I was pretty sure it was someone that my friend (also in the village) had met on Tinder and had one date with.

I messaged her to check if she'd be OK with me going on a date with him, and she said "Sure", but here's the problem. If she's chatting with someone online, she'll always ask around her vast acquaintance to see if anybody knows them, and to try and get a kind of reference. So, apparently somebody told her that this one was really horrible to his ex before they split. Which has me in two minds, and also makes me realise why I wouldn't do this kind of "background checking". Because, how is it possible to determine your sources are reliable? And yet, is there ever smoke without fire? So you end up feeling doubtful before you've even met the person...

@crackofdoom I completely agree with the 'FEAR FEAR FEAR' thing. My red flag is alcohol consumption because I was with an alcoholic for many years so my senses recently have been scared every man would be an alcoholic. Although I know logically people can drink responsibly, I do get anxious when men drink and I start worrying if they will become aggressive.

Also, any signs of an angry tone of voice. Again, from years of walking on eggshells and being shouted at. I sound like a mouse but I'm always very aware of these types of things and they completely put me off.

Hi can I please ask for some advice?

I have been chatting to Mr Supervisor since 1st Nov & been on one date & due to go on another this Saturday.

Also, chatting to Mr Gardener since 20th Nov & been one one date & due to go on another on Wednesday.

Both of them have said they aren’t chatting to anyone else. They both volunteered this information & I didn’t volunteer any info. I feel a bit bad about chatting to both. However, it is very early days & I get over invested so was hoping this would help keep me a bit grounded. So my question is should I believe them about them not chatting to others? And should I be honest about myself chatting to another?

I have snoozed the apps (tinder & bumble) as if needed of these work out I am giving up till Spring due to Covid.

Thanks for any advice in advance 😊

@kerkyra
Thanks for your thoughts, i think i probably did feel slightly rejected on the day but it was honestly the vagueness of his message that I hated.
99% of the time he has said he wont be round but that 1% of vague messages tips me over the edge.
Its a throwback from my ex and his gaslighting and general emotional abuse.

Not seeing him this Sunday worked great as i had a busy day and was late cooking tea for me and the kids and it was nice to not rush and try to keep him entertained while cooking a roast.

I have no doubt he cares for me a lot, he definitely sees me as a very long term partner.
I think we've got a good balance in our relationship and actually 3 days a week suits my busy life really well so i doubt I'll miss him too much on a Sunday as there is plenty of other things to fill my time with.

Hope you manage to meet up with the guy you're chatting with soon.

@Eesha
I agree, it is tough to be upfront but I've said for months that i didn't feel he got any time to himself and he said it was fine but clearly it wasnt.

I think that Mr Yoga and my Mr K know early on they have stuff on/want an evening on their own and probably mean to message but then get sidetracked and before they know it they convey it late in the day which causes issues.
I'm glad you're getting Mr Yoga trained in letting you know early on🤣

The thing with memories and the life he had before you is that really you dont need to replicate that, its about making different memories which are just as good.

Being comfortable in each other's company sounds perfect after what you've both been through.
Its the simple things which make a relationship perfect.

@Whattodonow6322
I wouldnt believe any man who said he wasnt chatting to others.

In this age of OLD most people have a few chats going to keep their options open.

Unless they have asked you directly i dont think you need to mention you're chatting and dating others at the moment. Its too soon to think about exclusivity etc

whattodonow I wouldn't worry about this at all, you haven't been dishonest by not offering the info that you're seeing both, it would be extremely early for them to assume that is the case and they haven't asked.

As to whether to believe them, I couldn't say but bear in mind it might be that they aren't talking to anyone else because it's a quiet time for dating, rather than that they think things with you are further along. Therefore they might start chatting to others between now and you establishing exclusivity.

I think it's a great idea to keep your options open a while if you get too invested early.

@LongtimelurkerL if someone cancelled on me due to illness, I'd give them a second chance but that would be a yellow card. I guess I'm quite cynical but my first thought would be that they've had a better offer. But if they are genuine then it would be a shame to potentially miss out. Also these days especially, no one is going to want a date to turn up with a cough and runny nose

As for the questioning on dates - I agree that too many questions can be like a job interview, but you can usually tell if someone is interested in you by the way the conversation flows. In hindsight, that was an issue with Miss C from around a year ago - she was very "me, me, me" and didn't show much interest in me, however I didn't really pick it up at the time as it did seem the conversation flowed. But looking back at it, it mostly flowed in her direction.

Also I notice that quite often when I'm on a date, I'm focusing so hard on actually being on the date (not tripping over stuff, listening to what they say, not saying anything dumb in response) that I don't always notice whether they are showing interest - it's only when I look back at things I realise they did or not.

@Whattodonow6322 No need to feel guilty about chatting to others even when you've been on a couple of dates - most people on OLD do this I think, and I personally wouldn't feel a need to tell anyone if I was or wasn't at that early stage, or expect them to tell me (I would assume the answer is yes, so wouldn't ask).

Thanks @TheCatWithTheHat i'm not sure whether to continue to make conversation - was quite equal who started the convo and we were texting every day or just leave it like @Ruralbliss said?? Yeah i'm suspecting he got a better offer and we're just about to move into tier 3 so presume he wanted one last date with someone else??? So hard to know, I wish people would just say what they mean

Glad it isn't just me @TheCatWithTheHat

It's only looking back over the past dalliance and the ones before him that I have now spotted this pattern.

Where I thought we had great connections and potential for a long lasting relationship then was surprised and disappointed when they fizzled, crashed & burnt, ghosted me etc I now see from the very first phonecall they were never going to be anything other than a short term fling as anyone suitable for a long-term partnership to me would match my interest in them by being actively interested in me...

Better to gain this knowledge now than later.

@Eesha OMG thanks for posting about your red flag being avoid anyone who might be an alcoholic...
I didn't have this as a red flag myself as have not been involved with anyone who had dysfunctional relationship with booze BUUUUT as I'm continuing to remind myself why latest iron was not meant to be I can now include 'probably alcoholic' to the list so I officially dodged a bullet.
He'd often be sozzled by the time I arrived at 6pm & urged me to 'catch up' which I did and felt fun but then 3 hrs later he'd be asleep on the sofa (happened three times out of five sleepovers) with me still up for a good time. I just put it down to being out of sync and me not getting there early enough (see how I insist on blaming myself for everything never the bad men and their sad ways...)

Now I remember a couple of text exchanges where he'd mentioned he was pleased with himself as had managed not to have anything to drink (school night) and I shrugged it off. Meant nothing to me.

Thank you for showing this is a red flag 🚩 for future irons

So grateful for the wisdoms shared on this thread and the continued support.

Thank you everyone for your advice. This online dating is so hard as I said I get over invested too early. I started thinking straight away about a potential future b4 I have even got to know them properly!

I think no questions really isn’t good but as someone else said it isn’t a job interview & the conversation should just flow without being forced if there is a connection.

The two I am chatting have very different styles. Mr Gardener is very in touch with his emotions (had a bad break up with his wife) & Me Supervisor is so laid back it is hard to know what he thinks but he chased up our next date on Saturday so must be interested?

@Ruralbliss there are surprisingly a number of really heavy drinkers I've noticed out there. My last iron who I used to chat to for almost 6 hrs every night used to drink whilst chatting and only seemed a bit melancholy at times. When I pulled him up on it prior to meeting, he said I was being judgemental. On each of our 3 dates, he drunk almost 8 cans of beer and a bottle of wine alone. I don't drink so clearly I'm naive and I'm sure I ran it past people later who said clearly he had a problem. I allowed myself to just ignore it because he told me I was the weird one for questioning it. My profile says I'm not a big drinker but this seems to attract big drinkers as I used to get loads swiping on me! I think they think it proves to themselves that they aren't big drinkers if they can date me, when clearly they are!!! Never again!

Btw those 8 cans of beer and a bottle of wine was between 5 and 11pm only.

[quote newnamenewposts]@Mayzee glad to hear that it's not only me and even better still that you have met someone else who seems to have potential.
Usually I've been a lot more blasé with the ghosters but this one really got to me. I'm not sure if time off is need or I need to get back back on the horse and keep swiping?
Date 3 should be compulsory otherwise you could over invest in a small willy 😂[/quote]
@newnamenewposts my experience with Mr BlueEyes really got to me. I was totally over-invested of course and he was the first person I dtd with after 20 years with exDH so it was a ‘big deal’ in my head. Once I realised our planned 4th date wasn’t happening I got back on the apps and it helped because once I found someone I connected with I forgot about his cowardly dishonest ghosting ass
He did slither back a couple of times since but I have been cool and polite and chatty but never going back there.
Laughing at the over-investing in a small willy😂...god I hope it’s not😆

Have you all seen the brilliant thread in AIBU with people posting their first date horror stories.

It such good reading! Lots of lessons to be gleaned too!

To ask what's the weirdest reason you have decided to not go on a second date with someone? http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4106577-To-ask-whats-the-weirdest-reason-you-have-decided-to-not-go-on-a-second-date-with-someone

@Eesha that is alcoholic levels
My big red flag thing is gambling thanks to ex but I do check that drinking is at a more normal level. I like to have drinks at the weekend or when I’m out so someone similar is good.

Thanks @Mayzee I would not have known to look out for gambling as a red flag as have never known anyone to be a gambler or have a problem with it.

Another amber-red flag for me since my iron of 9 months last year is debt.
Now I know times are hard for many especially those of us single parents so this isn't a definite no from the off for me but what I learnt was the debt was a symptom of his uselessness, man child, inability to make his reasonable salary last from one pay date to the next, always treating himself to something he didn't need at the beginning of each month but then sit in darl cold house when food and electric meter ran out towards the end of the month. I stupidly loaned him £500 I'll never see again when his car broke down and am not very well off myself.

You can see why I was so swoony at Mr VWs wealth and generosity and ability to eat out in a restaurant!

A good match for me would be someone who is financially stable and as sensible with money as I am with enough spare cash for the odd night out - don't need a squillionaire but don't think I'd proceed with anyone as up to their necks in debt as my previous iron was.

@ruralbliss that's similar with what happened with Mr Surgery. Ran out of food and electric, car was damaged etc and I was the idiot who loaned him money when I had just had surgery and wasn't earning at the time. He knew that but still took the money from me. He owes me about £100 which I will never see. He was on Tinder in August still lying about his age etc. He had matched with me so I reported him, they porbabaly didn't do anything.

A red flag for me in 'normal' times is not wanting to go places where you would be seen together. So always wanting to stay in, go on walks or to places where the irons knows there won't be the chance of bumping into anyone they know.

@Dancerinthemoonlight and everyone else.

This is turning into a rich seam of dire indicators.

And again worth reminding ourselves that without this knowledge and actively on the lookout for such indications of madness, sadness or madness we're all so optimistically giddy with 'I've got a date! And he's not bad looking! And he gives great text!' that it is sooooo easy to not see or choose to overlook and give the benefit of the doubt.

No more! Not for me anyway.

It'll be a big fat byeeee - all the best, thank u next! From me at the very first sign of a new potential iron having any of these collective red flags.

My time on this earth is precious. I hereby declare I will not waste a single moment on anyone who shows they are not meeting my standards.