Dating Thread 197 - Dating into 2021 and beyond

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thanks for thoughts re Match.com. I opened the app and couldn't face it. Wayyyyy too complex and hard. I'll stick to half hearted Tinder swiping, matching and chatting for now.

I've got a new iron. He's called Mr Stone. Just got off a delightful TWO WAY and two hour conversation with him. We'll meet for a socially distanced no-licking walk on Saturday as he's off to stay with elderly mum for Xmas so neither of us want to pass on killer virus.

Am pleased as found myself teary about MrVW earlier when one of our many songs played and 'why didn't he like me and why did he ghost me and why was I binned and what's wrong with me and oh shit maybe I'm unfanciable and unlovable'

Tried to remember the dire sex and other not-me aspects but couldn't shake it. Felt sad.

Then hoorah for making the acquaintance aurally with someone who appears to be much more my sort (gentle, witty, clever, interested in me and my circs) but also has the very same talents I do admired (and fancied massively) in MrVW - what are the chances?

Will be shame if no spark when we meet up but grateful if nothing else for the head-turn of tonight's conversation...seems like a lovely lovely interesting grounded person.

Ah thanks @HairyArsedMan I was definitely doing it all wrong on POF - only looking at profiles of people who had messaged me

I haven't got enough energy to switch apps for now. This is close to coming off the apps a la @Dancerinthemoonlight as I'll go I think. A bit of unenthusiastic swiping left on everyone on Tinder until I find one who's possibly of interest then see if there's a match then text, the phone then let slide if no date suggested seems to be the pattern I'm in (apart from Mr Stone - date tentatively but enthusiastically discussed but against the logistics of genuinely not wanting to be Covid super spreader)

@LongtimelurkerL have you heard back from your postponed date? If someone cancels a date, then I think it's down to them to make the effort to rearrange. If they can't be bothered, then it's not really worth meeting them anyway. Although saying that, if he is genuinely ill then he may not be in the mood for messaging - you know what us guys can be like when we're ill

@Ruralbliss from personal experience, I'd recommend giving Hinge a go if you haven't tried it already. My experiences of the apps I'm on are:

Tinder - not that many matches, quite a few fake profiles, but it seems to be the site almost everyone signs up to at some point, so worth a try. I was quite active on there for a bit, but hardly use it these days. I've had a few matches, only met a few women but saying that, of these one was Miss C last year who I really fell for, and then Miss Rose who I'm seeing again this weekend.

Bumble - frustrating as a guy, as quite often I'll match with someone and they then won't get in touch. I used to pay for the membership where it showed you who had liked you, but they've made this more expensive now and I haven't renewed which makes it harder to match now.

PoF - signed up deleted the app within the first day. I thought it was awful, the only matches I got were spam accounts trying to get me to click dodgy links.

Hinge - my favourite. Profiles are simple, and people seem to be much more genuine and looking to meet for something more than a hookup. I've had by far the highest number of chats and dates from people I met on Hinge. Not sure though if that implies there are less guys, so I stand out more.

Match - couldn't be bothered to go through the effort of writing a long profile and answering all the questions, when the other apps are so simple. I was on there years ago when it was just web-based, but haven't seen the appeal this time around.

I even signed up to fab a while back, but didn't really spend any time on my profile, and haven't used it since. I'm quite tempted to give it a go though as a few people here seem to rate it.

One thing I do, which has helped increase the number of likes I get, is to occasionally pay for my profile to be boosted during certain times (Sunday evening is meant to be the busiest time for swiping, but I also go for Thursday evening too plus other random times). The apps seem to be trying to grab more money though, as recently Hinge changed it from boosting for 24 hours to 1 hour, with only a small drop in price.

@TheCatWithTheHat nope haven’t heard anything today. He replied to my ‘sorry to hear your ill’ message almost immediately. Who knows what’s going on. We’re now moving into tier three so not sure what to even do. Might send a casual I’m free from lunchtime Friday message tomorrow evening and then leave it at that. If he doesn’t see me as the prize he’s clearly an idiot/actually ill!
On the apps I’m on a few - bumble, hinge, okcupid and match. Have had dates from all accept match which I def won’t renew when it runs out!

At the same time tempted to message and say ‘if you’ve decided against meeting again no problem but if you could let me know rather than ghosting that’d be fab’ if he does ghost this will be my second ghost after a second date in just over a month. Clearly something a bit wrong with me!!

@Ruralbliss ah that sounds good - hope it goes well

@LongtimelurkerL personally I think he should rearrange with you. You shouldn't have to chase him.

@Ruralbliss best of luck with Mr Stone

@LongtimelurkerL

At the same time tempted to message and say ‘if you’ve decided against meeting again no problem but if you could let me know rather than ghosting that’d be fab’ if he does ghost this will be my second ghost after a second date in just over a month. Clearly something a bit wrong with me!!

@Ruralbliss ah that sounds good - hope it goes well

Send him a message saying you are free lunchtime on Friday and leave it at that , if he doesn't reply then you will have your answer but I hope he does . Is he a regular texter ? Or has his texting pattern changed ? I don't believe there is anything wrong with you although it might feel that way . Dating is so hard nowadays 😩and the anxiety it gives when they don't reply or take too long. Sometimes I wish I had settled with one of my exes .

I do think the earlier the ghosting the harder and more horrible it is @LongtimelurkerL

Took me ages to get over a vanished iron after two dates and a few phone calls in the summer than it did the other week after 2 months of actual romance.

I guess there are no red flags and so much promise/hope the earlier the disappearance.

So nasty when you think you've finally met someone who might be suitable for you.

It's not you it's them. Also try to remember you wouldn't want to be with someone who's happy doing a ghosting.

There's loads of people out there who will see you as the prize you are. Just got to find them.

Thanks @Ruralbliss @lovellost and @Eesha we had been texting every day (bar maybe one) between dates - just general chatting. No red flags yet no and seemed to get on very well dates one and two. I think I will let him know about Friday just because we’d said Friday evening which now couldn’t be a thing as everything is closed. Then I’ll just see I guess? Will send it this evening but hope for something during the day

@Ruralbliss I hope your date goes well .

@LongtimelurkerL sounds like a good idea

longtimelurkerl it is not you, its them!

As for me MrPT is no more. He was just messing me about - cancelling meets etc so just another time waster who really didn't like being pulled on it either and was quite rude so I said he wouldn't be hearing from me again. At least he showed his true colours early I suppose.

So back on the apps it is although I'm not finding anyone to swipe right on 🤦‍♀️

@Slothmomma sorry to hear Mr PT was messing you about! URGH why do they bother - how long had you been 'dating'?

We'd only been chatting 2 weeks and been on one date so far - so whilst I had hopes for this one - at least it didn't get very far. I seem to attract the ones wanting penpals

@Slothmomma urgh so annoying but def not you. I really don't understand people having time to waste like that. It's weird - do they not have friends or anything. Odd.

Hopefully Mr Long Walks has just been feeling crappy and that's why he didn't message yesterday. Fingers crossed for an enthusiastic and positive response and a date for me on Fri

Hey! It’s been a while since I came on here so wanted to just update. Anybody who remembers me will know I was stuck in an on/off with Mr T over the summer. I did eventually end that and block and delete. It felt great!

Then I met Mr S in August. Had a couple of dates but there was no spark there. We remained friends and texted most days.

September I met Mr Hmmmmm. He was very odd in that he text often but rarely wanted to meet up. Over time I started to think he may be married... he’d only text during the day and not the evening, very hard to pin down to meet up and there was just something about him. I asked him outright and he said he was single. Long story short, I got bored of the pen pal situation and told him if he didn’t want to meet up there was no point and he then disappeared 😂

The whole time I’m still friends with Mr S and we’d been meeting up for walks and texting daily. Well things changed and we have become FWB. We see each other 2 or 3 times a week and he is in my bubble now. He is absolutely awesome. He’s so much fun, caring, looks out for me, cares about me and wants to see me. We are currently having a great time. I would love for it to turn into something more but there are a couple of issues, which are very shallow on my part, but who knows. We talk about it often to make sure we are both on the same page.

I gave up the apps in September as was sick of all the bullshit!

So that’s me!

@Ruralbliss I was just letting my head run wild. One of the bad outcomes of letting my best friend decide how an iron should behave and how I should react to his behaviour.

He messaged last night, he had a crazy work day and a broken filling this emergency dentist visit with an apology for not messaging earlier. That is perfectly acceptable and just because my friend expects a response within a couple of hours doesn't mean I have to. I need to remember that.

We aren't going to be able to schedule a meet before Christmas but I asked if he was up for another call tonight and he said he'd love that and in fact would love a series of calls over the next few days. As a way to start getting to know each other.

I don't need to worry if he likes me, he's very open about the fact he does, our conversations are very open and I love this! we have a very strong physical attraction (which I really hope translates from video call into in person) but there's more than that, it's hard to articulate though what it is. We ended up chatting until after midnight again. It's definitely different to previous irons. Maybe the distance will mean we've talked so much before meeting that it helps to alleviate awkwardness, who knows.

I am aware in the back of my mind it is nothing until it's something, it might not work out, I'll be terribly sad if it doesn't BUT it's helping me learn about me and what I want in a relationship (we are essentially and openly negotiating our potential relationship). We are aligned on many things and I'm starting to understand what I truly want. So if it doesn't work out I will still have a positive outcome for me. Please remind me I said this IF the sadness hits.

@LongtimelurkerL I agree with Rural
Sometimes even early on ghosting can get to you. Especially when there is soooo much potential. Mr Music just popped back into my head and that one properly messed with my head.
Other ghostings I've barely cared about.
If Mr FF ghosts I'll be devastated but based on what I know so far, it would be out of character (the one he's shown me) thus a ghosting would be hurtful from him

@LivingMyBestLife2020 i remember you! Great news about Mr S but what's stopping it progressing more?

[quote Eesha]@LivingMyBestLife2020 i remember you! Great news about Mr S but what's stopping it progressing more?[/quote]
It’s very shallow of me really. I’m quite sporty and active and he’s not. He’s an Executive Chef and been on furlough for a while now. He’s put quite a lot of weight on since I first met him (and so have I) he’s also a bit scruffy. He comes over to mine in old, scruffy clothes although does where nice clothes if we go out for a walk. He said it’s because he’s comfortable around me and we are only chilling indoors. He always smells good and has neat hair and lovely teeth so he’s not a scruff in that sense. It just feels really shallow to me as I’ve packed on the pounds recently, I don’t dress up for him etc. I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt that once’s he’s back at work and in a routine he’ll get his old self back. He has said he’s getting pretty down being home alone all the time. Come January I’ll be back to Triathlon training so I know I’ll drop my weight and get back to myself.

He also like a drink (red wine is his poison) and drinks most nights where I don’t often (but do now share a bottle with him a couple of times a week) He said he’s doing dry January so I’ll see how he fairs with that.

It’s purely my shallow views on what I want in a person but he is otherwise a great guy with all the qualities I want in a man. I’d never ask him to change who he is but I need to see that he doesn’t rely on drink before I can move anything forward. We’ve talked about his drinking and he knows it’s a bit of an issue for me and putting me off wanting more. He says it’s just to kill time whilst he’s furloughed.

@cravingthelook

But is your friend wrong though. I find we make excuses for men.

It takes 2 seconds literally to text it’s a crazy day I’ll update you later.

@cravingthelook

And I’ve found letting this sort of behaviour slide is what will always happen..

I texted( replied to a good morning text at 9am and iron didn’t reply till midnight saying busy day blah blah. ). I let it go thinking wel at least he text.

Found out a few days later that he had managed to do his sport at lunch time.

Maybe it makes me high priority and that’s why I’m single .. but I will expect communication from an iron especially when it’s early days and we are trying to woo each other

Shhh posted too fast! And from then on he the delay would be crazy, he would read my text and then reply 6/7 hours later. I just didn’t reply once - the end !

@cravingthelook I personally would expect a response sooner myself but Mr Yoga also gets sidetracked with work etc. I've pulled him up on it and interestingly he pointed out that I did the same at times. I think if it's early on in a relationship, I'd expect a quicker response.

@LivingMyBestLife2020 the drink thing would be an issue to me but only because of my history with alcoholics. However you just need to see where your boundaries are for yourself. It sounds like you make each other really happy anyway and that's really important.