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DH had lunch with another woman
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pizzaandcats · 11/12/2020 20:19

Today my DH had a day off work while I was at home working (he gets a day off in the week if he is scheduled to work a weekend). He told me a few days ago that he would going out for a meal with some old work friends today. He also mentioned a little while ago that they were planning a team secret santa but then hasn't mentioned this since to say who he chose or that he was buying the gift (stay with me this will all be relevant in the end).

When he got back from the meal today he had a wrapped up present from his secret santa and told me it was from "A" (a woman he works with). I asked who he'd picked and he'd also coincidentally chosen "A".

When I asked who was at the meal he said it just ended up being him and "A" but that he did see some other people from the team before hand (I don't understand how he saw them before hand at a restaurant but they didn't stay for the meal. I didn't ask though as I felt like I'd quizzed him enough at this point).

Basically I am feeling uncomfortable about the fact that he went out for a meal just him and another woman and exchanged christmas presents. I just feel like he's been pretty vague about how it ended up being just the two of them and its quite a coincidence that they both chose each other in a secret santa too. Is my mind running away with me too much or is the situation very weird?

I also had to ask today what he bought for her as his present and usually he would just tell me or ask my advice on what he should buy.

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Onthedunes · 17/12/2020 19:51

@6demandingchildren

Does your DH fancy his female best friend though ?

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zzizz · 17/12/2020 20:07

"Men can be friends with women". Well yeah, no shit Sherlock. Men can also be more than friends with women too.

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SparklingLime · 17/12/2020 20:32

@6demandingchildren

My DH has a female best friend and I have discussed this thread with him.
He said has this co worker been kept a secret from you as if so it's weird.
But he said men can be friends with a female and
having the conversation with your partner can be awkward especially if you don't really know the person in question.
Hope you can work all this out and he stops being so silly.

Ah.
DH had lunch with another woman
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6demandingchildren · 17/12/2020 20:43

My the doesn't fancy her at all, she wants him to walk her down the aisle if she ever gets married and we are both godparents to her teenage daughter.
I was only stating his pov whether I agree or not with him is his opinion and he said men are strange creatures and that I agree with.

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6demandingchildren · 17/12/2020 21:02

Actually I have been on holiday with my make best friend while my husband stayed at home with our kids.
It's not about having friends of the opposite sex it's the lying, and my DH was coming up with why the ops husband would lie and men are silly creatures. I'm not one to judge someone until I have walked in their shoes.

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VivaMiltonKeynes · 17/12/2020 21:20

@TigsytheTiger

OP for your final peace of mind I would ask her DP to confirm he met your DH.

If he confirms the story then great, you have peace of mind. If he doesn't, then there's your answer.

It all sounds too scripted and pre-planned to me, which isn't what you want to hear but alarm bells are ringing big time not just for me but many others who have read your thread.

Having been on the receiving end of a DH having an affair and denying, denying denying until you feel like you're going mad, if you can get a definitive answer sooner rather than later, it's for the best in the long run.

Good luck x

I agree 100%.
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OhDearMuriel · 17/12/2020 21:24

@pizzaandcats

I didn't mean it in a rude way at all - to explain:

It doesn't matter how lovely you are (and I am sure you really are), and how brilliant your relationship/all-round set-up is; I have known so many friends/colleague's husbands leave them, despite already having so much.

The danger signs are very present and very real, and you might think you have control over his emails and phone etc (in reality you really haven't), but don't ever be under the illusion you can control his feelings and thinking.

It's a horrible position to be in because you simply can't trust him.

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GuiEtVin · 17/12/2020 21:43

Ask the boyfriend if he met your DH because that all sounds so scripted

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BlueThistles · 17/12/2020 23:15

This is not her DH's best friend though... so the comparisons are not the same...

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Hunnihun2 · 18/12/2020 05:43

You have been in a relationship for quite a long time and you are both young him more so (being male). I can completely understand you wanting to make it work and not throw it all away (I would feel the same).

What a thread OP.

I thought your DH was BS from the start tbh!

I think you have done well in handling the situation I personally would of approached the woman in person or rung her straight up.

I don’t know what to advise you. I haven’t read all the other posters updates just yours OP but I think her txting saying didn't you tell DP? Is all too staged.... (it’s too late now).

I hope you we don’t read another thread from you a couple of years down the line...

I agree with another poster no matter how stunning, slim intellectual you are men will go with whatever sometimes and it’s not about their woman at home.

Good luck OP.

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Hunnihun2 · 18/12/2020 05:47

@EarringsandLipstick

Good luck OP.

I still maintain that this level of monitoring is not healthy in a relationship. He caused it absolutely, but I don't think these steps will help your relationship.

I was thinking this too. Worst part is OP is lead to believe her DH had complied he’s fully took advantage. OP needed the facts from the woman over the phone and it would of ended all this long windedness.
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MsDogLady · 18/12/2020 06:02

...he totally underestimated me in thinking he has to hide his friendships.

He didn’t hide this ‘friendship’ because of your insecurity. He hid it because it was inappropriate.

The appearance of the bf was phony, just as the appearance of the coworkers was phony. It never happened. If H had met the bf, this man would have featured from the beginning. H and OW cooked up that fiction and fed it to you.

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pizzaandcats · 18/12/2020 07:19

I think the reason I didn't originally know about him meeting her DP was because he didn't tell me that he went to her house first until 2 days later. I am feeling pretty miserable again after seeing that pretty much all of you think their conversation was scripted. Maybe I'm being a mug. If I am they must be feeling very pleased with themselves at me believing them Sad

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inquietant · 18/12/2020 07:22

Flowers It is the worst when you've evidence of something and nothing, I'd prefer to catch someone in the actual act so everything is clear!

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Takeitonthechin · 18/12/2020 07:24

Find her DP and ask him if he'd met your husband the other day when his wife and your hubby met for lunch.... this would clear things up either way

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Skittlebug · 18/12/2020 07:24

@MsDogLady defo! it's all a bit contrived. he wouldn't have had to conjure up the story about the coworkers if the bf had made an appearance.

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lollollol2020 · 18/12/2020 07:47

When you forward an email you can edit the text further down the chain so given all his emails supposedly auto delete I wouldn’t believe any thing he is showing/leaving for you to find in an email.

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nolovelost · 18/12/2020 08:03

You're not a mug. You just want to believe him but I think you're now starting to see what we can all see - he's full of shit. I woud be digging deeper - find out if they saw her boyfriend, retreive deleted emails etc.

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nolovelost · 18/12/2020 08:04

Someone who is committed to you doesn't treat you this way X

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hocuspocus1922 · 18/12/2020 08:46

@pizzaandcats

I think the reason I didn't originally know about him meeting her DP was because he didn't tell me that he went to her house first until 2 days later. I am feeling pretty miserable again after seeing that pretty much all of you think their conversation was scripted. Maybe I'm being a mug. If I am they must be feeling very pleased with themselves at me believing them Sad

Op please just ask the boyfriend . I woundnt care how sneaky I came across doing it . Your partner will probably go mad but that's only because he's been found out . There's no way on earth he would write half the stuff he did to her if nothing was going on it was way to scripted .
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AluminumMonster · 18/12/2020 09:03

Another one that thinks you should ask the BF. I would tell your DH you're going to ask the BF, he should understand after all the lies. You need to know the full truth of this situation to move on. It's the not knowing, it would always be on the back of my mind.

If it is a lie then you can decide how to work through it, it doesn't mean the end of your marriage.

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flametrees · 18/12/2020 09:10

I don't think you are ever going to fully believe him ever again. Once trust is gone you won't get it back. You will be constantly checking and he will feel constantly that he has to prove himself.
Sounds pretty miserable for both of you.
I'd either accept things and let it go or end the relationship.
Constantly needing reassurance isn't going to make for a nice future.

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Windmillwhirl · 18/12/2020 09:16

If H had met the bf, this man would have featured from the beginning. H and OW cooked up that fiction and fed it to you.

I agree. That he supposedly met the bf gave been stated from the start, had that actually happened.

Also the way she wrote the email made me cringe in how clear she tried to make it that her bf was there. Why did she not say that her bf could support this? Oh yes, because he can't.

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AmIpg · 18/12/2020 09:17

Oh I don't know. I'm inclined to believe him OP. Yes, he fucked up massively and yes he didn't do a great job of disclosure so you're completely entitled to feel how you do, but I really don't think it's a complex web of lies.

The other thing you have to ask yourself is whether you think it would have progressed if you hadn't found out?

Plus, I DO think your ages are relevant because you're different people in your 20s than you are in your 30s. And I say this as someone who married at 22. He may well be looking for ways to spread his wings.

But I'm not in your relationship, only you know the true state of things.

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Windmillwhirl · 18/12/2020 09:17

would have*

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