DH had lunch with another woman

[pizzaandcats]

Today my DH had a day off work while I was at home working (he gets a day off in the week if he is scheduled to work a weekend). He told me a few days ago that he would going out for a meal with some old work friends today. He also mentioned a little while ago that they were planning a team secret santa but then hasn't mentioned this since to say who he chose or that he was buying the gift (stay with me this will all be relevant in the end).

When he got back from the meal today he had a wrapped up present from his secret santa and told me it was from "A" (a woman he works with). I asked who he'd picked and he'd also coincidentally chosen "A".

When I asked who was at the meal he said it just ended up being him and "A" but that he did see some other people from the team before hand (I don't understand how he saw them before hand at a restaurant but they didn't stay for the meal. I didn't ask though as I felt like I'd quizzed him enough at this point).

Basically I am feeling uncomfortable about the fact that he went out for a meal just him and another woman and exchanged christmas presents. I just feel like he's been pretty vague about how it ended up being just the two of them and its quite a coincidence that they both chose each other in a secret santa too. Is my mind running away with me too much or is the situation very weird?

I also had to ask today what he bought for her as his present and usually he would just tell me or ask my advice on what he should buy.

@247SylviaPlath hear hear. Hope it all works out for you @pizzaandcats. X

I've just read all of your responses. I'm so sorry this has happened. Even though it would seem that nothing physical happened, he definitely has betrayed your trust and it's a fine line between this and cheating.

The fact he's being so passive now and allowing you to control everything (quite rightly) when usually he would be defensive is also a red flag. He feels guilty and knows he has to pull out all of the stops to win you back.

If I'm honest? You're still young. You could go on to meet someone, fall in love, buy a house, have children well before you're 35. You could have it all far before lots of others do.

But if you stick around you won't trust him. Anything not quite right you'll be thinking he's cheating. I worry you may waste the next 5 years unhappy in this relationship and find yourself early 30s and worried about whether youve still got time to have the family you want.

Whilst it seems lots of people cheat. In reality, there are lots of people who wouldn't dream of it. You don't have to put up with this. You're not in too deep. You are still young, don't waste your good years on a liar 💐

[quote pizzaandcats]@earringsandlipstick I'm not sure what you mean. He has offered to have an "open laptop" policy to make me feel more confident that he's being open after all the secrecy. I won't necessarily read his messages but equally he won't hide them from me. I hope that makes sense.[/quote]
It does make sense. I get it - he'll keep his laptop open to show you he's not doing anything inappropriate.

But this isn't a healthy way to manage a relationship.

I'm not blaming you. Quite the opposite. It's just when the trust is gone & one person isn't committed to the relationship, it's hard to know how to proceed. This won't help though.

I really do wish you luck though.

sorry op, for being sceptical at the beginning if all that was real because i saw many similar threads which came out dodgy.
i followed the thread and admire your level headedness.
i wouldnt rush to end the marriage.
he seems quite remorseful and doing his best.
at his age he tried something and saw the consequences that he may lose you.
still it would be good to have some counselling to see if this will happen again in the future when you both invested so much.
as a pp said talk and talk, do something fun together, break the monotonous cycle.
wish you the best.

I wouldn’t end the marriage over this, but I’d definitely be on guard. He’s obviously lied about more than you know so keep an eye on things. He definitely didn’t see her OH. He’s told you that so you won’t rock the boat and tell her OH they’ve been having secret meals and giving each other gifts.

I wish you luck pizzaandcats, I really do. Hopefully this might be a wake-up call for your H and he really does want his future to be with you. But I also agree with those saying monitoring laptops and stuff is no way to live. Give yourself space to think, and be alert of course but dont end up spending years with knots in your stomach if you can't trust him again. Look after yourself.

Final update (I think). I put DHs open laptop policy to the test today and what I saw has given me nothing but relief. He did send a message to "A" on Monday afternoon (granted I beat him to it and messaged her first but she didn't read mine for hours due to a no phone policy in the office). He didn't explain everything to her but did tell her that he'd kept things from me and messed everything up. He told her his actions made it looks like there was something to hide "which obviously there isn't" (his words). She replied with oh god why have you done that. I didn't know you'd kept our lunch from her. Did you tell her you met DP? She was worried about what I would think of her. I don't know if it's going to come across like I'm gullible and they've planned to write this but DH has had 2 days to offer the conversation up to me. I think if they planned to write that to each other then he would have been more eager to show me rather than just telling me he'd messaged her. He lied to me, his reasons were wrong and he totally underestimated me in thinking he has to hide his friendships. His lies where absolutely cruel and he nearly ended our relationship but I genuinely believe nothing has happened between them now. I see no reason to keep checking on him either as I know from previous experience that is no way to live!

Good luck OP, hope it all works out 💐

I’m sorry, I wish you all the best but I hope your willingness to believe him isn’t thrown back in your face.

I do actually believe this is all going to be fine and nothing is going on. It's far too much effort and would involve far too much conniving to cover up so elaborately.

Good luck. You've had 8 good years, don't forget that. It's been a weird old year, lockdown has made people behave out of character. What he did was daft and misjudged but I do think at the heart he was never going to act on it, just wanted the excitement of a new person to talk to.

Good luck OP

Good luck OP.

Continue to believe your gut.

I'm so pleased, OP, that it's all been brought out in the open now. And it will be fine.

Nice to have a situation where it is all ok!! Xx V glad for you 🎄

Good luck for the future, let's hope he realises his mistake and doesn't repeat it.

X

I don't believe this for one second . My partner done this to me . They planned what to write to each other and also waited for me to find it so it made him seem less guilty . For your sake I hope he is telling the truth . But as soon as she wrote did you tell her you met dp? That's out there to manipulate you in to thinking no harm was done and there's nothing to worry about . The only way to finally end this op is to ask her partner . I woundnt care how mad I came across but I bet he won't have a clue about anything

But as soon as she wrote did you tell her you met dp? That's out there to manipulate you in to thinking no harm was done and there's nothing to worry about

I find the 'did you tell her you met dp' a little odd too.

He is lying to you - you have chosen not to dig further and that’s your choice.
The first thing that stood out is the miracle appearance of her DP.
He would have mentioned this straight away to reassure you.
I’d say he’s given her a quick call to get the facts straight.
I hope it works out for you but I would keep my eyes and ears pinned back.
This could have been going on prior to lockdown!!!

Good God that sounds so planned. 'Did you tell her you met DP'

Bloody hell OP.

You can come back for support here whenever.

Glad you're feeling better op. But I would keep half an eye on things, it does sound planned and I also know from bitter experience what lengths people will go to to cover up affairs.

Do I recall you saying something similar to this has happened before? If I'm remembering it correctly then you're setting a precedent for him to fuck up, offer an explanation and you let it go.

@YoniAndGuy

Good God that sounds so planned. 'Did you tell her you met DP'

Bloody hell OP.

You can come back for support here whenever.

Agreed. That stood out like a sore thumb that bit.

Hi OP, I'm really glad this turned out well in the end, if you're happy and you believe him that's all that matters. I am inclined to too by the way, I think he made a stupid mistake and it snowballed. If by chance there's any more to come out it will.....

I also think that it's very easy once the trust has been bought into question to make every twist and turn look suspicious, so tenper this with what you know about your relationship and your husband, and listen to your gut (but don't let this become an obsession in your own mind) I hope you can have some peace from all of this now it has had a good outcome

Agree with @whydidimarryhim
Sounds too convenient and his lies made no sense from the beginning. He's explained nothing imo.

I'm very sorry this has happened op, especially just before Christmas.
(Christmas always seems to bring the out the lovey dovey idiots).

It is completely up to you how you proceed, we have all been there, that awful knot in the stomach, the feeling that you just want things back as they were, its truly heart breaking.

The posters are not trying to be hurtful they are just warning you as there are so many alarm bells ringing. We don't think his lesson has been learnt and believe any further action of his will simply go underground.

This is the part where so much damage can occur to you, the gaslighting and lies will floor you even though you think you are in control of the narrative. Many of us thought that, he wouldn't, couldn't throw everthing away even 30/40 years together, children, grandchildren, we are different. They do.

You are in a possition before you have children to decide whether this is the partner you want for life, and this is probably why posters are nervous for you, it feels like there is a time limit and we know the lies could go on for years, he is not the partner you deserve.

You are questioning your ability to get someone else but I want to tell you, you are better than him, his morals and strength of character are flawed, he doesn't deserve you.
I really hope he can turn things round and this is just a blip but I would want to know everthing before you put it to bed and that would require speaking to her partner and knowing whether she has also lied.

I fear she has lied and that means they will both lie again.

Whatever you decide is your choice no one will judge you, and hope you feel you can return for support on this thread.

OP for your final peace of mind I would ask her DP to confirm he met your DH.

If he confirms the story then great, you have peace of mind. If he doesn't, then there's your answer.

It all sounds too scripted and pre-planned to me, which isn't what you want to hear but alarm bells are ringing big time not just for me but many others who have read your thread.

Having been on the receiving end of a DH having an affair and denying, denying denying until you feel like you're going mad, if you can get a definitive answer sooner rather than later, it's for the best in the long run.

Good luck x

My DH has a female best friend and I have discussed this thread with him.
He said has this co worker been kept a secret from you as if so it's weird.
But he said men can be friends with a female and
having the conversation with your partner can be awkward especially if you don't really know the person in question.
Hope you can work all this out and he stops being so silly.