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DH had lunch with another woman
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pizzaandcats · 11/12/2020 20:19

Today my DH had a day off work while I was at home working (he gets a day off in the week if he is scheduled to work a weekend). He told me a few days ago that he would going out for a meal with some old work friends today. He also mentioned a little while ago that they were planning a team secret santa but then hasn't mentioned this since to say who he chose or that he was buying the gift (stay with me this will all be relevant in the end).

When he got back from the meal today he had a wrapped up present from his secret santa and told me it was from "A" (a woman he works with). I asked who he'd picked and he'd also coincidentally chosen "A".

When I asked who was at the meal he said it just ended up being him and "A" but that he did see some other people from the team before hand (I don't understand how he saw them before hand at a restaurant but they didn't stay for the meal. I didn't ask though as I felt like I'd quizzed him enough at this point).

Basically I am feeling uncomfortable about the fact that he went out for a meal just him and another woman and exchanged christmas presents. I just feel like he's been pretty vague about how it ended up being just the two of them and its quite a coincidence that they both chose each other in a secret santa too. Is my mind running away with me too much or is the situation very weird?

I also had to ask today what he bought for her as his present and usually he would just tell me or ask my advice on what he should buy.

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amisupposedtoeat · 15/12/2020 20:09

Dating as a teenager means nothing op. Most people wouldn't even be scarred by being cheated on as a teen as you are. That's what kids do!

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lillg · 15/12/2020 20:18

Sounds like you and DH have a good relationship, so be open about your feelings and discuss it (don't accuse him just let him know that it's stressing you out)

Last Xmas my DH went for a dog walk and coffee with one of his female colleagues. I work away Mon-Fri 50% of the time and got home that evening. We went out for a meal and he was so tired he couldn't even be bothered to make conversation with me over a meal out. I was not happy. And even less so as he'd spent all day with another woman. I trust him 100% but I was still annoyed and it played on my mind for weeks.

Eventually I explained that I was upset. I told him I trust him but that it was playing on my mind, my problem not his. He totally understood. Made changes to help me relax (like inviting her and other colleagues round so I could meet them all) and I haven't worried since.

If you've got a strong and healthy relationship the best thing you can do is be honest.

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purplerainox · 15/12/2020 20:22

I don't believe for a second that he met her bf! that is such bullshit. What guy would be like "see you later gf, go have lunch with this random bloke who I don't know, who you don't even work with anymore?" Nah I don't buy it! He's just saying that to make you think it's innocent which it clearly isn't!

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Onthedunes · 15/12/2020 20:35

He is still lying.

He is not trying to put your mind at rest, this is for his benefit... damage limitation.

He never met her bf, that is purely so you do not contact him and also has the benefit of making you think it is innocent.

He is thinking of himself, he will be scared of the ramifications if her bf knew of him and also his position at work if this was to blow up any further.

He is no longer your friend I'm affraid and no ammount of councelling will take away the fact that you have lost respect for him.

He's scum and beneath you.

I don't care about the age he knows you are going through a difficult time TTC yet he crapped on you, this man is not the man to support, love and have your back through future years.

He will let you down again.

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CarlyReyes · 15/12/2020 21:23

I’m probably repeating a lot of previous comments but the boyfriend story is 100% BS. That would be the first thing he would’ve offered up at the start to diffuse your suspicions if that was true.

That means they’re clearly in contact on their phones and she is lying to defend him.

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peboh · 15/12/2020 21:52

@lillg

Sounds like you and DH have a good relationship, so be open about your feelings and discuss it (don't accuse him just let him know that it's stressing you out)

Last Xmas my DH went for a dog walk and coffee with one of his female colleagues. I work away Mon-Fri 50% of the time and got home that evening. We went out for a meal and he was so tired he couldn't even be bothered to make conversation with me over a meal out. I was not happy. And even less so as he'd spent all day with another woman. I trust him 100% but I was still annoyed and it played on my mind for weeks.

Eventually I explained that I was upset. I told him I trust him but that it was playing on my mind, my problem not his. He totally understood. Made changes to help me relax (like inviting her and other colleagues round so I could meet them all) and I haven't worried since.

If you've got a strong and healthy relationship the best thing you can do is be honest.

Have you rtft? They clearly do not have a good relationship as her husband has continually lied to her over the past few days, alongside gaslighting her and using her own insecurities against her. That's not a good strong relationship. That's a weak insecure man, preying on a woman who loves him.
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NotaCoolMum · 15/12/2020 22:20

@SparklingLime

I was actually meaning therapy for yourself, OP, to look at your feeling that being alone would be unbearable (or close) and your past experiences with infidelity. Couples counselling can be useful of course, but I think you’re better off clarifying your own aims and boundaries first.

I think @pizzaandcats boundaries have been very clear- I also think she sounds incredibly level headed.
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Onthedunes · 15/12/2020 22:25

So your husband and the ow are probably reading all this as you have told him everthing is on mumsnet.

@Iwonder08
You seem very understanding of the husbands perspective.

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pizzaandcats · 15/12/2020 22:34

@Onthedunes

So your husband and the ow are probably reading all this as you have told him everthing is on mumsnet.

*@Iwonder08*
You seem very understanding of the husbands perspective.

I wouldn't mind them reading it at all. I've been nothing but honest about my feelings. Perhaps reading this in the order that it all unfolded would help bring it home to my DH how awful he was
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fairydust11 · 15/12/2020 23:47

I’ve just read your update op, I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. It’s the lies and the deceit which is the worst.
Has he offered for you to contact the boyfriend as a way of additional reassurance, even if you don’t take him up it? Just the offer of that would mean a lot. Also I may have missed this but did she give him her address in the message? I only ask this as if she didn’t had he been there before?

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WhenPushComesToShove · 16/12/2020 01:32

Am I right in thinking you only have your husband's word that the boyfriend really there at her house?

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Hunnihun2 · 16/12/2020 01:41

Ohhh it’s a NOO NOO from me. The Xmas present part isn’t too bad.

However the audacity of your DH to tell you he met some people before hand and then still had a dinner with A. Confused

I would be watching him like a hawk from now on!

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dysoncansuckit · 16/12/2020 03:02

It sounds like you got together young and the relationship has run its course. Dating as a teen means nothing. It's not dating at all, I couldn't take that seriously as someone having spread their wings or having experience.

He's 26 which is still very young. Sounds like he would probably like to be single. You're young too op. Don't get hung up on the baby thing, find a happy relationship first.

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booboo24 · 16/12/2020 06:26

OP I'm so sorry you're going through this. II agree with you, it isn't about age (to a degree) and 8 years is longer than a lot of marriages these days, especially for ones so young. I met my ex husband and started 'going out' with him when I was 14 we were married by 21, we were each others firsts for everything, we were best friends and quite literally grew up together. We split up at 36, mainly I think because we grew apart although we still were best friends, the romantic side had slowly gone. Everyone said to me that he needed to live the life he should have done in his early twenties but didn't because we were together, but i'll never know if that was the case. So although age is irrelevant, that may play a small part in this, but it's in no way an excuse. Like everyone else, I'm not comfortable with his drip feed, however, saying he met the boyfriend could well be the truth, and he didn't tell you because initially he didn't want to tell you he'd gone only with her. Just another perspective. It is also one that is easily verified if you chose to, so it seems a silly lie to tell. I completely understand you not wanting to go down that route because of the repercussions, but maybe you could tell him you're considering doing so and see what his reaction is.
At the end of the day only you can tell if he's trustworthy going forward. I hope it works out for you.

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PartoftheProbl3m · 16/12/2020 06:43

I agree that he’s too young to settle down. This will just happen again.

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Skittlebug · 16/12/2020 07:31

Aww diddums he's had a loving partner since he was 18, poor soul. He's still old enough to know better and not be deceptive and dishonest, he's 26 not 12 he knew this would hurt your feelings. The background info might explain his actions but does not excuse them he should have been open with you about how he was feeling, rather than cheating... after 8 years you deserved more than that. I still think he's a twat, no sympathy for him here. Feel like some of these comments are filled with misogyny, like his needs to shag around are greater than op's right to be treated with respect. Just put your needs first for a bit op, you've earned your right to be selfish, just like he was selfish.

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ScalpHelp · 16/12/2020 07:34

@Skittlebug he hasn’t actually cheated

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Skittlebug · 16/12/2020 07:38

@ScalpHelp what's been occurring is cheating in my book

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FiddlefigOnTheRoof · 16/12/2020 07:49

Cheated or not cheated - he doesn’t understand boundaries or he’s deliberately testing the waters. I’d be calling it a day if we didn’t have kids.

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booboo24 · 16/12/2020 07:50

@Skittlebug noone is excusing his behaviour

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MiddlesexGirl · 16/12/2020 07:56

Going to lunch with a woman is not cheating.
It's the lying about it that's the problem behaviour - along with buying presents for each other. He lied about it because he sensed that OP would be unhappy about it.
If he's a sensible and sensitive man, in future when he contemplates something that he senses OP may be unhappy with, he should just ask her. They can then discuss it and agree whether it's a problem or not. For many people the lunch may not be a problem though perhaps the presents would be. But it has to be a joint decision between OP and her partner.

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LucyLocketsPocket · 16/12/2020 08:45

I agree it's the lying that's the main issue. He has broken trust.

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MrsMarrio · 16/12/2020 08:56

Why are people saying 26 is too young? Don't be so ridiculous. That's being an adult for 8 years. Your old enough to go to war at bloody 18. God some people are so patronising. Like they have been together 8 years, have a mortgage, are married and are ttc. That is all prettying life changing decisions and the law allows you to do these things after 18, they don't say oh 26 is too young, you're too immature to make these commitments. Men at any age can do something like this. My dad is 59 and has just done something very similar to my mum. This is not an age thing. This is a stupid prick thing.

@pizzaandcats my advice to you now is get off MN, some of the posters are batshit crazy and paranoid to fuck and it will just feed into your insecurities and will have you questioning everything. Like 100% do not speak to the bf, you will look like you have a screw loose. You obviously want to work it out with DH so go do that. Go to therapy, surround yourself with support in real life and good luck!

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Franticbutterfly · 16/12/2020 09:03

I should've paid more attention when my DH started speaking about a woman from
Work...he did end up having an affair with her.

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notquitealonealone · 16/12/2020 09:14

rtft and I agree with @Skittlebug to be honest. What he did is cheating in my book too and I really feel for you OP because he hasn't crossed the line into physical cheating, or so we hope. But hes created enough doubt and hurt you.

And i've been there with the old chestnut of 'I didn't tell you because theres nothing in it and I didn't want you to worry'. Shortly followed by 'I didn't tell you because I knew you'd react like this'.
Followed later by more revelations coming to light which clearly indicated not quite so innocent.

Facts here are that he lied about it/hid it because he knew it was wrong and would worry/hurt his wife. He deleted messages because there was clearly something in them which would have hurt his wife and crossed a line and he knew it.

He lunched with another women behind his wifes back. He bought gifts for this woman behind his wifes back (under a prestense of secret santa). He has been to this womans house. They are appartantly close colleagues, but dont actually work together anymore.

When theres a need to do stuff behind your loved ones back, delete messages and lie. Thats cheating.

Been there, got the tshirt. If I could have a word with my younger self who was in your exact position OP, it would be to walk out that door now. And if not, be prepared to live on high alert and question every little thing that doesn't add up.

Also, have a hunt around for a second mobile. If its not there now, he'll be getting one I suspect.

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