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DH had lunch with another woman
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pizzaandcats · 11/12/2020 20:19

Today my DH had a day off work while I was at home working (he gets a day off in the week if he is scheduled to work a weekend). He told me a few days ago that he would going out for a meal with some old work friends today. He also mentioned a little while ago that they were planning a team secret santa but then hasn't mentioned this since to say who he chose or that he was buying the gift (stay with me this will all be relevant in the end).

When he got back from the meal today he had a wrapped up present from his secret santa and told me it was from "A" (a woman he works with). I asked who he'd picked and he'd also coincidentally chosen "A".

When I asked who was at the meal he said it just ended up being him and "A" but that he did see some other people from the team before hand (I don't understand how he saw them before hand at a restaurant but they didn't stay for the meal. I didn't ask though as I felt like I'd quizzed him enough at this point).

Basically I am feeling uncomfortable about the fact that he went out for a meal just him and another woman and exchanged christmas presents. I just feel like he's been pretty vague about how it ended up being just the two of them and its quite a coincidence that they both chose each other in a secret santa too. Is my mind running away with me too much or is the situation very weird?

I also had to ask today what he bought for her as his present and usually he would just tell me or ask my advice on what he should buy.

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Thewookiemustgo · 16/12/2020 09:23

@MrsMarrio : This is not an age thing. This is a stupid prick thing.

Exactly. How to sum up this behaviour in 12 words. Love the common sense in your post.

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Onadifferentuniverse · 16/12/2020 09:31

I’d totally be screenshotting what she sent to me and sending it to the boyfriend to clarify.

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doodles17 · 16/12/2020 09:32

I agree with mrsmario here, everyone is entitled to give their opinions on here but I do find a lot of people saying - he's done this and this is unforgivable, this is classed as this etc - everyone is different and not everyone sees things from the same point of view tho. Age is nothing and 26 is not too young! My grandparents got married at 18 and are still together at 78 should they split now as it was too young when they got married? 😂 what a load of tosh. They are clearly mature enough if they have been together so long, married and have a mortgage. If OP wants to work thru this which is completely do-able as believe it or not people can work through issues. What he has done is shit and stupid I'm not excusing that but if he is willing to make it up and prove himself then Good luck to them, I believe everyone deserves a second chance and people make mistakes, if anything like this happened again then yeh I'd agree call it quits. I have a feeling your husband has learnt his lesson and realises what he has and what there is to lose and won't do anything like this again. xx

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pizzaandcats · 16/12/2020 09:34

Thanks @mrsmarrio it seems I made a huge mistake mentioning age!

I'm going to distance myself from the thread now. I've had some brilliant advice and it has really helped to see the perspective of people of all ages, experiences and even those who have done similar to DH. This morning we uninstalled his WhatsApp and reinstalled and restored old messages. There were none from her and he searched her name at the top to show me that he does have her number saved (I'll ask him to delete that now that we've done the WhatsApp restore thing). He has agreed to keep his laptop open when he goes on breaks / lunch from work so if I want to I can see that he is no longer speaking to her at work (yes he could delete messages but really other than sitting over his shoulder all of the working day there's nothing more he can offer to do for full transparency). The lies have happened, that can't be changed. All I can do now is hope he see's the gravity of what he put me through. I'll be keeping my wits about me and I've come to really trust my gut.

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blobbyface · 16/12/2020 09:44

Good luck pizzaandcats I hope it all works out well for you both.

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ScalpHelp · 16/12/2020 10:08

@doodles17 There’s a major generational difference between people born in the 40s and people born in the 90s so frankly that’s quite “a load of tosh” example you have there

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Newwayofthinking · 16/12/2020 10:13

What about the chunk of missing emails, right about where it all ramps up?

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doodles17 · 16/12/2020 10:15

@ScalpHelp ok maybe so and not a great example but again- each to their own opinion but I think they seem mature enough and not too young at all.

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MizMoonshine · 16/12/2020 10:33

@pizzaandcats
Yasss. I love the way you've handled yourself here.
Live your best life xx

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Biscuitsanddoombar · 16/12/2020 11:24

Good luck @pizzaandcats really hope it all works out for you Flowers

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TeaMeBasil · 16/12/2020 11:38

Good luck, I hope it all works out

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2LittleSpeckledFrogs · 16/12/2020 12:05

Thats really positive @pizzaandcats . Good luck moving forward, your attitude to this has been very balanced. Routing for you to find peace and have a good Christmas, take care x

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Dullardmullard · 16/12/2020 12:31

That’s a positive outlook @pizzaandcats and good luck for the future.

I’m another that doesn’t buy the age thing. It’s just a twat thing to do regardless of age and gender.

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EarringsandLipstick · 16/12/2020 14:38

Good luck OP.

I still maintain that this level of monitoring is not healthy in a relationship. He caused it absolutely, but I don't think these steps will help your relationship.

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pizzaandcats · 16/12/2020 14:58

@earringsandlipstick I'm not sure what you mean. He has offered to have an "open laptop" policy to make me feel more confident that he's being open after all the secrecy. I won't necessarily read his messages but equally he won't hide them from me. I hope that makes sense.

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Boostinthefanjo · 16/12/2020 16:08

My DH and I got together at 18 and an almost identical thing happened when DH was 26ish. It was truly fucking awful. We were married, had a home together, pets etc., like you.

We're now over it, four years on, but yeah. That age. Something about it. It felt like a big transition from 'twenty-somethings' to actual adults and he seemed to have a weird crisis over it. I don't think he physically cheated but there was definitely an element of EA going on.

Not sure what advice, if any, to give. Just sending sympathy. It's truly soul-destroying.

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LSHfizz · 16/12/2020 16:14

It isn't a mistake to mention age, people do change and grow out of relationships, I should think very few people get together in their late teens and stay together forever. Age may or not be in the case here, but it is something to take into account.

What's troubling is this business about you thinking she is so slim/pretty/attractive compared to you. For the future, it doesn't seem to be much of a recipe for happiness you always having 'what if he meets someone nicer looking than me at work/the gym/the supermarket' swirling around your brain, especially in light of the fact that you're only 29 yourself and have plenty of time to meet someone else that you could fully trust.

I understand what you mean about having built up good relationships with the in-laws. I had a long-term relationship starting at university when I was 18 and we grew out of each other by 26-/27 when we both started tentatively sniffing around new people. When I finished the relationship I was concerned/upset about losing the relationships built with the in-laws and wondered if it was a reason to stay together. It isn't. Those people are minor in the big picture of your life, they will age and pass away, you will make good relationships with other in-laws or if you don't it doesn't even matter anyway. Point is, it's not a reason to cling on to a failing relationship even if it feels like it is.

However apologetic and reassuring he's being now, he is open to having his head turned by someone new. He didn't not see cheating through because he's really such a good and trustworthy nice bloke after all. He didn't see it through because he got caught.

The business about the boyfriend is bullshit I'm sure. He's keener on her than she is on him, I feel. I thought 'uh-oh' when I read the bit about 'world's okayest' but then at the same time the beer and chocolates is a pretty shite and unimaginative gift. His was a lot more personal, thought-out and trying to creep up to her. I don't think they've shagged but then again, maybe they have, people can be sneaky rats. But if she wanted him, I'm pretty well certain he would have shagged her. It's just as well he's a shit liar and you haven't had kids yet or this would have been a way bigger nightmare.

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OhDearMuriel · 16/12/2020 16:31

There are so many ways to be deceitful these days so good luck with that.

Don't be under the illusion that you're the best thing since a slice of bread and you're all he'll ever love and need.

He has very clearly demonstrated you're not and the trust is gone. No matter how hard you try you cannot erase that from your mind and it's an utter crap way to live.

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pizzaandcats · 16/12/2020 16:39

@OhDearMuriel wow that was quite rude. I'm sure you have not RTFT as I am certainly not of the illusion that I'm the best thing since sliced bread. Some people work these things out and move on, some people can't. How will I know which I am until I try?

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LSHfizz · 16/12/2020 16:43

Ohdearmuriel - ^ Sadly, I agree.

Not that anyone particularly cares what the girl at work is thinking but wouldn't it be excruciating to read this thread if there was a bloke with a crush on you and you're not even that bothered, you have him a crap thoughtless Christmas gift when he gave you a much better one, and you just like the little ego boost but that's all it is... and to have all this discussed in public. Have they shagged, have they not shagged, she's pretty, he's a twat and a liar, etc etc. I'm not criticizing you at all, OP, you need an outlet and you can do what you want, but I'm thinking it might drive an extra wedge against you in his mind, having all this dirty laundry aired in public, I bet he feels well BlushBlushBlush reading all this but it serves him right.

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youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/12/2020 16:56

@OhDearMuriel

There are so many ways to be deceitful these days so good luck with that.

Don't be under the illusion that you're the best thing since a slice of bread and you're all he'll ever love and need.

He has very clearly demonstrated you're not and the trust is gone. No matter how hard you try you cannot erase that from your mind and it's an utter crap way to live.

This was a really nastily worded post, you could have made your point without that tone.
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pizzaandcats · 16/12/2020 17:52

@LSHfizz as far as I know, she has no idea I've put this on mumsnet/has never even heard of mumsnet at all. Isn't this what mumsnet is for? I have told one member of my family when I really needed some comfort and real life perspective - my wonderful cousin has given us the space to work this out and has not told anyone else. I haven't blabbed about it to my work colleagues/friends/any other family members or gone to her boyfriend as many have suggested. I haven't told anyone else except people on mumsnet who have no idea who any of us are and could never find out. It's about as anonymous as it gets. If she ever found this thread and read it, she'd see I've said nothing personal against her other than the facts that I know.

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pizzaandcats · 16/12/2020 17:52

I've obviously failed to stay off the thread Blush

In my defence I keep getting emails every time somebody new posts

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247SylviaPlath · 16/12/2020 18:04

@pizzaandcats you shouldn’t need to apologise for not staying off here, it’s your thread, just clearly some people have their own shit they’re projecting. You can hide the thread on the drop down if it makes it easier for you.

And you seem like you have been thoroughly sensible and reasonable throughout this, I’m sure the majority on here would wish you the very best and hope it works out for you - it’s your life to live and your decisions to make about how you proceed. Flowers

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Nymeriastark1 · 16/12/2020 18:24

[quote pizzaandcats]@LSHfizz as far as I know, she has no idea I've put this on mumsnet/has never even heard of mumsnet at all. Isn't this what mumsnet is for? I have told one member of my family when I really needed some comfort and real life perspective - my wonderful cousin has given us the space to work this out and has not told anyone else. I haven't blabbed about it to my work colleagues/friends/any other family members or gone to her boyfriend as many have suggested. I haven't told anyone else except people on mumsnet who have no idea who any of us are and could never find out. It's about as anonymous as it gets. If she ever found this thread and read it, she'd see I've said nothing personal against her other than the facts that I know.[/quote]
@pizzaandcats So what if she does. She's complaining about her boyfriend to married men. A previous poster stated they have no time for people who complain about their partner or spouse to the opposite sex. I agree. It's just asking for trouble and drama.

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