DD told teachers DH and I am going to get divorced

[Scandimama]

Feel like the worst mum on earth right now. Just had a parent teacher conference (virtual of course) and teachers told us that DD (6 yrs) told them this week that her parents were arguing so loud that she could not hear the TV (it was while she and little brother 4 yes old were watching TV) and that we are going to get divorced and that she didn’t mind that. She said apparently that is getting divorced is fine and she just wants us to stop fighting. I think she partly thinks like that because my sister is divorced and she’s used to witnessing her cousins living between two homes. It was beyond embarrassing. I just wanted to die when the teachers told us. I told them that we’ve been having a hard time recently but have made up and told DD that we are not getting divorced.
I’ve threatened divorce many times, as our relationship is not good. DH and I are very different, I’d almost say incompatible. We fell in love, had kids after being together for just over 3 years, and I guess we only realised too late how different we are. We just disagree about a lot of basic things - like whether to buy a house or not, how kids should be raised, politics, cleaning standards, I want to be vegetarian and he loves meat, he wants the kids to do sleep w me and I want them in their own beds etc etc. We are from different cultures too and our family language is English, but we each speak our own language too. I just feel like I don’t know how to solve this. Feel like it’s so hard for us to get on and it’s now damaging the kids, but if we divorce DH says he’d leave the country as there’s no prospects for him here and the kids would miss their dad terribly. He’s a good dad. I’m sure if we were divorced he’d be awful to me the whole time and make my life difficult. And being a single mum seems almost Impossible, financially and practically with my current job and life situation. I’ve suggested couples therapy to DH a million times but he refuses. Any advice or comfort?

It sound like far too much is being said in front of the children, and this can be extremely damaging. Your school was right to raise this. Your DH isn't doing anything to ease the situation, is he controlling you by threatening to leave the country if you split?

If he felt the country and his children then he wouldn’t be a good Dad.

Whatever is currently happening has to stop. It’s extremely damaging to your children. Would counselling be worth a go? From your post it sounds like it’s won’t be.

So basically put up and shut up or the dc losing their df is down to you?
Fuck that.

I completely agree the school was right in raising it. I would have done the same in their shoes. I feel awful. Just so sad and down. I feel there are no good solutions. We should never have had kids as we are a bad march. Obvs I love our kids more than anything on earth and don’t regret them, but our marriage is really bad. I just want to do something that will be good for the kids. I don’t think I can resign
Myself to live with repressed anger forever. Either our relationship has to improve or we have to split. I guess DH is trying to control me with the threat of leaving the country. He says he doesn’t want to split up because he wants to see the kids grow up. I don’t think he can imagine us living
Apart financially and practically

Stop arguing and talking about divorce around the kids it's good your DD told the teacher's, she's clearly upset about what's going on in front of her.

It sound like far too much is being said in front of the children, and this can be extremely damaging.

This. Whatever you decide to do about your relationship, your children need to be kept out of it as much as possible. They shouldn’t hear you constantly threatening divorce... and if she’s happy for you to divorce because it’ll stop the fighting, you both need a hard think about the atmosphere they are growing up in, and how you fix that.

It doesn’t sound like a good relationship and I’m sorry for the position you’ve found yourself in, but it can’t carry on. It’s time to make some tough calls

Thanks @DropOfRainthat really kind and helpful to
Point that out. I thought fighting in front of the kids was great and don’t feel bad about it at all.

If he won't go to counseling, then get therapy or counseling on your own. At the very least it will help you learn how to deal with his behavior, maybe give you the skills to move forward without as much anger and emotional upheaval in your lives.

I agree. I think we need to either divorce or get therapy (which may anyway not
Solve the problem but at least it’s worth a try)

@beenwhereyouare I am having therapy but don’t think it’s helping out relationship.

Please get some therapy for yourself with a licensed psychotherapist or psychologist. He is not a good dad if he would leave the country and never see his children again because of a marriage split.

Get couples therapy to work out how to split amicably. Your poor kids having to listen to that. And as pp said he’s not a great dad if he’s willing to fuck off back to his own country so quickly

He wants to stay together so he can see the dc grow up, but if your relationship ended he’d move far away? That’s illogical and sounds like he’s trying to control you.

What a difficult situation.

Therapy isn’t going to help. I don’t say that lightly but you’ve already said you are too incompatible. You owe it to yourself to find the right person for you. How are the kids cousins? You said they go between two houses? Is that ok? Everyone happy? I’ve got divorced friends. It’s all ok and everyone’s much happier now

Sorry just re-read and you know he’s saying it to control you.

All I can think is just keep your boundaries strong and do what you think it best. You’re right to be wary of being a single mum (I hate it) but sometimes it’s for the best

Although what @DropOfRain of rain said was blunt, it was right.

If you'd both only had one small argument that got a bit heated in front of them then I doubt this would have happened. Regardless of how bad you feel, if you know you shouldn't be arguing and threatening divorce in front of the kids, stop bloody arguing around them!

If you both decide to split and your husband flounces out of the country then that's on him, and he will have to live with his decisions. Although children are important, your relationship and how happy you are as a person needs to be paramount here. Staying with a partner "for the children" is a case economy and will do none of you any good in the long run.

To be honest, if I'd been threatening divorce, assuming it wasn't just an empty threat (which is a new world of dysfunction), then I'd assume the relationship was over anyway.

Maybe treat this as a wake up call, and the fact that your 6 year old has essentially realised the house would be happier if you two split up, should probably be a fairly big one.

😢I just feel so sad. I never wanted to be a single mum. Apologies to those of you who are and I may very well become one soon. It just seems so tough. I wanted the kids to grow up in a stable and loving
Home with two parents. Not with a worn out stressed out single mum or listening to their parents arguing all the time and feeling insecure. I feel like I should have never had kids. Everything feels impossible.

My sister had an affair and married the man she had an affair with and now has a new baby and a total of 3 kids from first marriage 1 from
Second, her ex husband hates her. Their divorce is very bitter and they continue to not communicate well. It’s not a positive exmaple. I don’t really know anyone with a positive divorce. I know one single mum who says she prefers it that way, but her ex is remarried with two kids and only has their child every other weekend and is very much a weekend dad. He lets her run the show with their daughter. my DH wouldn’t be like that. He’d either leave the country as he says he will or stay and make my life difficult. I don’t see him remarrying or having more kids. Getting a new partner perhaps, but no more kids, he is not the type. So he would still be very focused on our kids and me. I don’t think he’d leave us alone t get on with it.

I’m scared of divorcing. It feels like an impossible task and admitting failure. I also feel nervous if I can even handle the kids on my own.

Being worried that your husband would either make your life difficult or go abroad and never see the children is not a good reason to stay married.
My parents stayed together for similar reasons and it was awful.

Sounds like you need to get the divorce. Never stay together for the children, even your DD has worked this out.

How I view things in life is that no amount of money, no job, no marriage, no anything would ever stop me putting my childrens mental health and well-being first.
I know it's easier said than done but I work with children and adults who have suffered emotional trauma and it's a risk I will not take with my own.
No one is perfect, so I'm sure I do this gs wrong with my children but if your made aware and don't change it then that's not good.
There are other jobs out there and other ways to get a house etc but your children only have one childhood and one mental health.
I'm sorry you are going through this op.

My parents divorced when I was little and it felt totally out of the blue as us kids were not aware of any arguments. I'm glad they did though as I'd hate to have lived with two people not getting along.

Your kids shouldn't be hearing you and your DH arguing. All parents argue at some point but your children shouldn't suffer because you and DH hate each other, especially as neither of you see a way out.

You're right to be embarassed. You should be horrified and ashamed that you've upset your child to the extent they've had to disclose it to their teachers.

You and your DH need to make a plan- whether it's seperating but still living together or just putting up with each other until you can divorce you need to sort something because clearly you aren't going to last and both want to end the marriage but arguing and hating is going to continue until one leaves.

He’s refusing counselling despite the situation being so desperate that your 6yo wants you to divorce. So he’s unwilling to even try to make things better. Which means he’s not that great a dad. There’s no shame in needing counselling - it’s a responsible thing to do when communication breaks down. My DH and I have both had it individually over the years and we also had some sessions as a family because we were all doing too much shouting. It was very helpful.

If he absolutely won’t consider counselling, then you may have no option but to divorce. Not because your DD wants you to but because you and your DH are so unhappy together and this is making for a very unhappy family life overall.

If your DH chooses to leave the country because you have separated, that’s on him. And his employment prospects here are equal whether or not you are together, surely.

One of the most functional families I know - the parents separated when the DCs were very young and have co-parented very successfully so it’s certainly possible.

DD has no understanding of the reality of divorced parents. She doesn’t know we’d have to move to an even smaller place, that she may hardly ever see her dad or that her mum may be even more tired on a daily basis than I already am. I know I’m my heart that divorce is the only solution but I’m too scared to walk the plank and cannot at all see how it would work.