DD told teachers DH and I am going to get divorced

[Scandimama]

Feel like the worst mum on earth right now. Just had a parent teacher conference (virtual of course) and teachers told us that DD (6 yrs) told them this week that her parents were arguing so loud that she could not hear the TV (it was while she and little brother 4 yes old were watching TV) and that we are going to get divorced and that she didn’t mind that. She said apparently that is getting divorced is fine and she just wants us to stop fighting. I think she partly thinks like that because my sister is divorced and she’s used to witnessing her cousins living between two homes. It was beyond embarrassing. I just wanted to die when the teachers told us. I told them that we’ve been having a hard time recently but have made up and told DD that we are not getting divorced.
I’ve threatened divorce many times, as our relationship is not good. DH and I are very different, I’d almost say incompatible. We fell in love, had kids after being together for just over 3 years, and I guess we only realised too late how different we are. We just disagree about a lot of basic things - like whether to buy a house or not, how kids should be raised, politics, cleaning standards, I want to be vegetarian and he loves meat, he wants the kids to do sleep w me and I want them in their own beds etc etc. We are from different cultures too and our family language is English, but we each speak our own language too. I just feel like I don’t know how to solve this. Feel like it’s so hard for us to get on and it’s now damaging the kids, but if we divorce DH says he’d leave the country as there’s no prospects for him here and the kids would miss their dad terribly. He’s a good dad. I’m sure if we were divorced he’d be awful to me the whole time and make my life difficult. And being a single mum seems almost Impossible, financially and practically with my current job and life situation. I’ve suggested couples therapy to DH a million times but he refuses. Any advice or comfort?

@Scandimama

He always says I cannot manage without him. He says I cannot cook, have no sense of reality, cannot keep a clean house etc etc. I also work a lot in a very demanding job I just started in Sep. Luckily it pays well so we could just about be able To manage on my salary alone even if he doesn’t contribute. But will be quite tight but at least can pay all bills on my own. But the job is very demanding so worried how I’m Going to manage that as a single mum.

My ex was the same, he told me I was fat and nobody else would have me, told me the house would be a mess without him and that I wouldn’t be able to budget. I wasn’t working when I was with him so I was petrified when he left. I survived, my house is tidy (probably not to his standards), my kids get to school on time, I now have a job and we manage ok with money. I also have new hobbies, new friends and a lot more confidence. You can do this x

Well his reaction and fuck you tell me he is a huge part in the relationship issues you’ve had. Incl imposing his pov and refusing to listen to yours, rather than cultural difference blablabla.

He is telling you all you need to know. It’s his way or the highway. E wants to make your life difficult. And he is NOT a great dad. Because a great dad would have first and foremost asked about his dcs and what would happen then.
(The fact he’s was happy to threaten you with ‘going back home’ had told you already btw).

You need to stand firm. And please do not try to appease him by promising anything and everything. From this moment on, you need to think about yourself and your dcs. Not him or what would be better/wear for him.

I know. I just so didn’t want to admit to myself how bad he really is. He is the father of my kids, I married him and I loved him
Once

@Scandimama

He was on the call and called me back straight after and was sad and upset about it. But all he said was “stop arguing in front of them, like I told you so many times”. He refuses to address any underlying issues and says it’s all only about not fighting in front of them. As if the problem isn’t all out disagreements and problems which charges such frustration and upset that it boils over in front of the kids. His only solution is that he should walk away every time we disagree (which is frequently) and then we can discuss it after the kids are asleep. But the disagremets are often major. I asked him again to do theraphy but he said I’m blackmailing him as I said therapy or divorce.

That’s fine in this particular case. It’s not blackmail. It’s giving him a choice

And certainly have the choice to tell that you want to get divorced you are insisting on counselling. That is NOT blackmailing.

His reaction of putting you down, telling you amount to nothing. Now that IS emotional abuse.

Don’t listen to him. Whatever has happened before, today you have done nothing wrong. But he has shown himself as a real bully

I’m afraid I’ll cry I’m front of the kids tonight. How can I take their dad away from them? He IS a good dad for them. He cooks every night for us all. He plays lots with them. He really cares for them. He pays attention to them. Believe me he’s a good dad for theme but he’s mean to me.

@Scandimama

He always says I cannot manage without him. He says I cannot cook, have no sense of reality, cannot keep a clean house etc etc. I also work a lot in a very demanding job I just started in Sep. Luckily it pays well so we could just about be able To manage on my salary alone even if he doesn’t contribute. But will be quite tight but at least can pay all bills on my own. But the job is very demanding so worried how I’m Going to manage that as a single mum.

Your husband is controlling and abusive. Every new post you put screams it. Google coercise control.

Arrange for a locksmith to come whilst he's out next week. Change the locks. If he's then abusive call the police.

He is not your problem. The kids are.

Yes he is a bully. He told me that if he leaves tonight he is never coming back

If he leaves his children and doesn't come back to spite you that is not YOU taking their dad away - that is their Dad deliberately abandoning his children. Not your choice - his.

he is not a good dad to even threaten this.

Op, his level of anger is toxic and very unhealthy. For now stopping engaging with him as it serves no benefit.
He is not willing to communicate and I suspect he is also unwilling to compromise.

Think back to your arguments, do they start when you try to get your needs met? Does he immediately go to anger and insults?
Does he eventually apologise and correct his behaviour?

I think it would be helpful for you to read Patricia Evans, the verbally abusive relationship.

Btw, my dc are thriving in a single parent home.

Let him do what he is going to do.
Dont get argumentative. Dont say anything that will look bad in a courtroom. And dont close the door. Say things like "that is a choice for you to make, but I would like us to be able to tall and resolve the co-parenting sensibly" etc.

You must look reasonable at all times.

A good dad doesnt use the threat of walking out on them in order to abuse their mother into staying with him and allowing him to abuse her.

@Scandimama

Yes he is a bully. He told me that if he leaves tonight he is never coming back

Good. Life at home is going to be much nicer, wo all the arguments he is creating. And your dcs will be in a better place too.

Now my advice is to not answer any of his threats, insults etc...
Look at. GREY ROCK on goggle

You can do this OP. I separated from the father of my child m and it can be hard being alone but it is so much more stress and difficulty living in a dysfunctional relationship. And no matter how much your kids miss their dad in the home, they will be SO much better off as if you stay together they will end up traumatised for life. How he behaves now is his problem. Just try to stay calm and focused on the fact you have to do this for the sake of your kids. I was also so sad at the loss of the dream of a family that I had always thought I would be part of. But now I get time on my own and my kid is really happy and it's great. And there are lots of different types of family. I grew up with separated parents and had wonderful step parents and step siblings who I really loved. Mum and dad being together doesn't equal a good family - love and security is what makes a good family. You can do this!

@Scandimama

Yes he is a bully. He told me that if he leaves tonight he is never coming back

And?

This isn't necessarily a bad thing if he's behaving like this. If he's using this as a way to persuade you not to tell him to leave this is classic coercive control. Thats not a good man. Even if he does a lot of cooking.

Op, I'm in a very similar situation to yours. We also moved to my home country just before covid and our relationship has hit rock bottom since. Not because of covid, but maybe it has really highlighted our problems.
My advice is to calm your emotions and take a time out of this turmoil if you can. It doesn't mean having to leave the house. Just don't engage in an argument, and just calmly tell your husband every time he confronts you that you're not interested in arguing. Don't talk about problems. Concentrate on yourself and feeling stronger.
The decision to divorce in the circumstances you're in (and I'm in) is a very complex one due to your dh being in a foreign country essentially because of you. I assume you're in a scandi country because of your username? I am also. Scandi countries can be difficult to integrate into.
I think your husband is lashing out right now because he is scared. Scared what he will do in your country all by himself with no prospects or future. It's panic, and when people panic they might act out.
You don't need to make the decision today or this weekend and you do not need to ruin your son's birthday. Take your time, calm things down and breathe. Dads are important to children and you really need to focus on finding a solution that is good for everyone. It's not easy for him to leave the house all of a suden with nowhere to go, so breathe, breathe and breathe..to find the strength to stay calm and rational. Take your time to make sure your decision has not been made us a moment of upset.

My fault for not being more patient and accommodating and just getting on with how he is. My fault for having Kids with someone I already back then knew in my heart of heart wasn’t quite right.

I don't get it. Why is it not:

His fault for not being more patient and accommodating and just getting on with how you are. His fault for having Kids with someone he already back then knew in his heart of hearts wasn’t quite right?

Children talk and tell people they trust about worries
My child's best friends told her mum and dad live in separate bedrooms I wasn't surprised it is a trusted friend.
Your Poor child needs someone to vent to so I suggest you stop the end the marriage comments/threats in front of them.
As a mum your are having to adapt to constant changes and challenges
Can you adjust your work or change jobs to suit and live without the burdens of a nasty relationship
Many dad's threatend to disappear but many realise and return into children's lives once the parents split.
I think counselling to stay is a wasted effort only get some for yourself to clearly decide what you want and need in your life.
Your go to court to decide on custody for
Your children. Every parent does have a right to want children brought up as they believe or want doesn't make it wrong
I'm guessing your religion has a lot to do with it?

if we divorce DH says he’d leave the country as there’s no prospects for him here and the kids would miss their dad terribly.

He’s a good dad.

No good father would ever say the first part of that sentence.

Manipulator.

I was your daughter. My parents should have divorced. I'll never ever forgive my mum doe choosing to subject us to that emotional distress just so she could keep her chosen job. Selfish. It's wrecked my brother & I's emotional stability and left us unable to hold down relationships. Unbelievably selfish

He is not a good dad if he would just walk away . His job won’t change , he could live close by and still parent the children . If he was thinking of them that is exactly why he would do .

Could you trial a separation ?

I think you might be surprised how things may improve.

@Scandimama

Yes he is a bully. He told me that if he leaves tonight he is never coming back

He’s just saying that in hope it makes you change your mind. If he’s any kind of father he will be back to see the kids. Over the next door so he’s like lot say lots o thing in an attempt to get you to change your mind, don’t listen to any of it, just focus on the fact he’s a bullying a rubbish husband, remind yourself of all the reasons you don’t want him back.

You are doing the right thing to leave him, wishing you every strength, it will be hard initially but will be easier without him.
I just want to suggest to be careful and aware about how you explain the split to your daughter. Although she told the teacher that she wants you to divorce, it is possible that she will now blame herself for the split - either by 'asking for it' or because she told the teacher and then it happened. Children will almost always find a way to blame themselves, and that it has been her actions which have brought the situation to a head this will be hard for her.
You are doing the right thing, I am not saying this as a criticism, just to be aware and talk to her about it and reassure her. It might be worth talking to your therapist for some advice on how to handle this with her, and your son too, but she is the one who is 'involved' more so may take it harder.

I am saying this because of the impact I saw on a family member who as a child let slip to her mother that her father was having an affair (he was blatant about it when the mum was working away regularly and had sworn the kids to secrecy ). Then then split and neither adult handled it well and the girl took on the responsibility for her parents split and was impacted.
This is a very different situation, and you sound aware enough to your children's needs to take care of her, but I just felt the need to highlight this aspect as I hadn't seen it come up.
💪💪💪

@lottiegarbanzo

My fault for not being more patient and accommodating and just getting on with how he is. My fault for having Kids with someone I already back then knew in my heart of heart wasn’t quite right.

I don't get it. Why is it not:

His fault for not being more patient and accommodating and just getting on with how you are. His fault for having Kids with someone he already back then knew in his heart of hearts wasn’t quite right?

It's both those things of course. Two people who are making their choices together. The fact he is equally responsible won't stop op knowing her part and regretting (in one way) the path she took. I agree, reminding her it isn't just her is helpful, but her feelings are still valid also.

It’s so complex. @NoJose I think you’re spot on. Yes we’re in a Scandinavian country and they’re very hard to integrate into. And he didn’t want to come here. We went because I wanted to be near my family and thought it was an easier society for raising kids than London, which due to work was our only option in the UK and due to various circumstances our life there was quite tough. He also lost his job for a while over summer and autumn due to Covid and only recently returned to work. So there’s a lot of external
Pressure. I think it still, however, doesn’t explain all our problems. He had a very tough childhood and I also, in some ways, come from a somewhat dysfunctional family. My parents are still together but my mum is very dominating and my dad had a 4 year long affair when I was a teenager, which he finished when it was found out and basically he has been under my mum’s thumb ever since. Long story. But none of us have great role models for relationships.

He didn’t leave in the end. He’s here now and we have agreed to start out with trying to never, ever, ever argue in front of the kids again. I have also decided to have more therapy individually, and to get a cleaner every other week to take some of the pressure off, as we also argue a lot about housework.

I’m still not ruling out divorce and I think it could very well end up there. But I’m willing to give it one last chance, putting the concern for the kids first and making more effort to connect with each other.