DD told teachers DH and I am going to get divorced

[Scandimama]

Feel like the worst mum on earth right now. Just had a parent teacher conference (virtual of course) and teachers told us that DD (6 yrs) told them this week that her parents were arguing so loud that she could not hear the TV (it was while she and little brother 4 yes old were watching TV) and that we are going to get divorced and that she didn’t mind that. She said apparently that is getting divorced is fine and she just wants us to stop fighting. I think she partly thinks like that because my sister is divorced and she’s used to witnessing her cousins living between two homes. It was beyond embarrassing. I just wanted to die when the teachers told us. I told them that we’ve been having a hard time recently but have made up and told DD that we are not getting divorced.
I’ve threatened divorce many times, as our relationship is not good. DH and I are very different, I’d almost say incompatible. We fell in love, had kids after being together for just over 3 years, and I guess we only realised too late how different we are. We just disagree about a lot of basic things - like whether to buy a house or not, how kids should be raised, politics, cleaning standards, I want to be vegetarian and he loves meat, he wants the kids to do sleep w me and I want them in their own beds etc etc. We are from different cultures too and our family language is English, but we each speak our own language too. I just feel like I don’t know how to solve this. Feel like it’s so hard for us to get on and it’s now damaging the kids, but if we divorce DH says he’d leave the country as there’s no prospects for him here and the kids would miss their dad terribly. He’s a good dad. I’m sure if we were divorced he’d be awful to me the whole time and make my life difficult. And being a single mum seems almost Impossible, financially and practically with my current job and life situation. I’ve suggested couples therapy to DH a million times but he refuses. Any advice or comfort?

OP I was in the same position untill last week. We didn’t really argue in front of the kids but he would ignore me for weeks, send me horrible aggressive text messages. The last year was pretty awful and I really seen a side to him I didn’t like. I havnt fancied him for years but still stuck it out because I didn’t want to look like a failure in having a marriage breakdown. So tbh would have stuck it out.

But two weeks ago I caught him on on line dating and kicked him out. He was furious and I had two weeks of hideous text messages to the point I had to block him.

Two horrible weeks where I was crying and thinking WTF now?

BUT I’ve realised that I’m free. I can be happy again. It’s ripped the plaster off and no way would I go back.

I’m not even bothered about the online dating now. Obviously I wasn’t in love with him.

Yes it is scary and I don’t even know what Christmas will look like in the house but I’m pushing through it. My kids are quite happy and are seeing their dad regular and speaking nightly on face time.

This is my next chapter.

Too good to leave too bad to stay is a brilliant book and I really recommend it

So stop texting him. It's clear he doesn't want to work on your marriage - has refused counselling, has threatened you to make you agree to his demands etc. It may well be that he has legitimate complaints and is also unhappy, but his unwillingness to do anything about it on him.

So let him be angry. Let him pack his stuff. Let him go. He clearly is not a good dad as he's not thinking about the DC at all.

I think facing divorce is terrifying and I don't blame you for feeling all these emotions. But all you can do is take one step at a time while you work towards a life in which your children are not listening to constant arguments and where you can make the decisions that work for you.

As an adult still dealing with the fall out of growing up with parents who were incompatible and argued a lot, I’d say - pls separate. My brother and I ARE damaged by the toxic atmosphere and anger in our home.

I just feel like it’s my fault. My fault for not being more patient and accommodating and just getting on with how he is. My fault for having Kids with someone I already back then knew in my heart of heart wasn’t quite right. My fault for loosing it in front of the kids. My responsibility now for deciding this step on on my own. I know it sounds pathetic but I’m so scared and sad. I cannot imagine being happy again or how I’d create a good home for the kids feeling as low as I do.

A marriage ending is nothing to be ashamed of. These things happen. Im divorced and have a decent relationship with my ex husband who still saw our kid regularly. Youve tried so hard, and now it seems everyone is miserable, so you just have to do it. Grieve. Feel sad, and then put your kids first and make a calm home for them

I sadly think you’ve got no choice for your own sanity but to end this relationship.

I’ve been where you are and hung on far too long because the thought of breaking up my family was unbearable.

Adjusting to the reality of being a divorced single mum might be the hardest thing you ever have to do. It nearly broke me and I’m still sometimes almost suicidal (though I couldn’t leave my dc).

However you ARE strong enough. Life is hard so we must find our inner toughness.

You’re not alone.

I think it's a case of deciding what you want to do now and acting accordingly. Your dh isn't going to change- he is who he is. If you decide you want to stay in the relationship you need to change your responses to him. Try and avoid subjects where you disagree. Try and compromise a bit and do things his way. You're going to have to sacrifice being right or doing things how you want if you stay together but if you keep in mind you're aim is a peaceful family maybe you can do it and over time it will become a habit to compromise and hopefully he might be more compromising as well. You are already in this situation now so don't look back. You've had children and your dh isn't perfect but then there's no guarantee you would meet someone better. If you really want to be single or start over it then do it but if you want to stay with him you'll have to do something every day to be kind towards your dh. This is what I do in my marriage. Sometimes you can get stuck in a rut but if you change the focus on how can I do something kind or that would benefit my family today it will serve you well. Be careful with your child telling the school things as they can very easily get social services involved.

You need to stop beating yourself up and look at how you can move forward practically. Blaming yourself achieves nothing. You can’t go back and undo having kids-they’re here now, and they need you to be the grown up. It’s not fair, it really isn’t, but it’s how it is.

I know it’s really scary, and it’s really sad, but your kids need you, you can do this!

@Scandimama

I just feel like it’s my fault. My fault for not being more patient and accommodating and just getting on with how he is. My fault for having Kids with someone I already back then knew in my heart of heart wasn’t quite right. My fault for loosing it in front of the kids. My responsibility now for deciding this step on on my own. I know it sounds pathetic but I’m so scared and sad. I cannot imagine being happy again or how I’d create a good home for the kids feeling as low as I do.

I knew the day I married my ex that it was a mistake, don’t feel bad, you can do this, many of us do 😊. I have to say my life’s been so much better since leaving dh and my dc’s lives have been better, it hasn’t been easy and it will take you a while to adjust but it will be worth it. It’s perfectly normal to feel scared and to feel guilt but it will get much easier.

You simply cannot continue to be treated like this, it’s him that’s failed. No one’s perfect but he’s treating you shockingly.

Thanks for all you kind comments. I do feel so sad thought. I so wanted a happy family. It’s all I ever wanted. And yet I married the wrong person. Or maybe there’s something wrong w me. My husband says I’m crazy and calls me all
Kinda of bad things. He says everything is my fault for never listening, being impatient and not controlling my temper. I guess he’s partly right although he has many faults too, amongst them aggression, a short fuse and not communicating well. As in all marriage break down ultimately I guess we are both at fault. I just wish I believe me this would be good for the kids but I don’t

They can’t witness you being treated this way, honestly it isn’t best for them. They’re developing their model for future relationships, they’ll most likely copy yours unless you show them this is not ok. Maybe not now but I’m future you can explain what it was really like and why it had to end.

Maybe. I just don’t feel strong enough to do this. I’m afraid he’s going to be there tonight and shout at me and not leave. Or leave and come back and be horrible. Or leave and completely disappear and break the kids hearts. He has no where to go in this country.

I’m so sorry. Have a good cry if you need to.

Please believe you’re stronger than you think, also you’re not crazy and a reasonable man wouldn’t say that.

Please think long and hard about this. I have been the child begging her father to divorce because the home environment was so awful (psychological abuse, lots of shouting). He stayed out of a sense of duty. It was grim

You aren't the first person this has happened to, we can't always control how things turn out.

I left my husband when my children were the same age because the school raised concerns. I'd been considering it for a long time but the school stepping in was the catalyst that made me decide to actually leave because it made me acknowledge how bad things had got and that something had to change.

In my case, there weren't arguments as such but there was a very difficult atmosphere and the children picked up on it. The school noticed that my older DD would watch my face very closely at pick-up and drop-off and during any occasion when I was in school; they described it as hypervigilance. She was basically keeping an eye on me, checking I was okay. That just about broke me. She later told me she would sit at the top of the stairs at night to listen out to make sure I was okay. My ex never hit me but she obviously was concerned by the atmosphere.

That was seven years ago now. It was a hard decision at the time, and there have been very difficult times since, but it was the right decision. I have two happy, resilient young ladies who no longer feel they have to look out for me. And they even have a decent relationship with their dad now, though they lost contact for a while.

I would think very carefully about what the school have said. If they are concerned, believe them.

It doesn’t even feel real. I don’t know if I can go through w this if he doesn’t immediately leave. He’s furious now so he may just leave in a huge upset and anger, but think there’s no other way to do it. He doesn’t want to split. Not because he loves me or respects me but just because he cannot see how he can stay in this country on his own as his industry is unstable short term contracts and the industry is not as strong here as it is in some other countries. He basically wants to stay w me but without improving things I’m except for telling me to change.

Agree- he is not a good dad to threaten that, that's very controlling behaviour.
At the least you should both agree to stop fighting in front of kids. Sounds like divorce inevitable in long run.

@Scandimama

It doesn’t even feel real. I don’t know if I can go through w this if he doesn’t immediately leave. He’s furious now so he may just leave in a huge upset and anger, but think there’s no other way to do it. He doesn’t want to split. Not because he loves me or respects me but just because he cannot see how he can stay in this country on his own as his industry is unstable short term contracts and the industry is not as strong here as it is in some other countries. He basically wants to stay w me but without improving things I’m except for telling me to change.

You need to be strong and not back down, if you let him stay he will continue to make you feel crazy and useless.

I got my dh to pack when I was out, asked him to be gone before I returned with the dc as I didn’t want them upset.

You will go through a period or wanting to back down but you need to strong and stick with it, it will be worth it in the end.

He makes out your crazy and useless because he wants you to believe you can’t live without him. You are not crazy or useless and you can 100% be ok without him.

I really feel awful. My son turns 4 on Sunday. Now his birthday (which was already very different due to Covid) will be completely ruined. I’m scared to tell my parents as they are still heartbroken over my sisters divorce and don’t want me to divorce. I only feel close to friends in London and I’m scared to tell them too because I don’t want anyone to worry about me

Was he on the call with the teacher? Did he react to what was said? Could you start the conversation about this - that your little girl couldn't hear the tv because you were both shouting so much. Or is his response going to be "that's your fault you shouldn't disagree with me"

Honestly he sounds extremely volatile, demanding and angry. A good dad does not threaten to leave and never see his children again.

He always says I cannot manage without him. He says I cannot cook, have no sense of reality, cannot keep a clean house etc etc. I also work a lot in a very demanding job I just started in Sep. Luckily it pays well so we could just about be able
To manage on my salary alone even if he doesn’t contribute. But will be quite tight but at least can pay all bills on my own. But the job is very demanding so worried how I’m
Going to manage that as a single mum.

He was on the call and called me back straight after and was sad and upset about it. But all he said was “stop arguing in front of them, like I told you so many times”. He refuses to address any underlying issues and says it’s all only about not fighting in front of them. As if the problem isn’t all out disagreements and problems which charges such frustration and upset that it boils over in front of the kids. His only solution is that he should walk away every time we disagree (which is frequently) and then we can discuss it after the kids are asleep. But the disagremets are often major. I asked him again to do theraphy but he said I’m blackmailing him as I said therapy or divorce.

He’s making you believe you’re useless, as that suits him, but this is abuse and you’re obviously not useless. Horrible man.