DD told teachers DH and I am going to get divorced

[Scandimama]

Feel like the worst mum on earth right now. Just had a parent teacher conference (virtual of course) and teachers told us that DD (6 yrs) told them this week that her parents were arguing so loud that she could not hear the TV (it was while she and little brother 4 yes old were watching TV) and that we are going to get divorced and that she didn’t mind that. She said apparently that is getting divorced is fine and she just wants us to stop fighting. I think she partly thinks like that because my sister is divorced and she’s used to witnessing her cousins living between two homes. It was beyond embarrassing. I just wanted to die when the teachers told us. I told them that we’ve been having a hard time recently but have made up and told DD that we are not getting divorced.
I’ve threatened divorce many times, as our relationship is not good. DH and I are very different, I’d almost say incompatible. We fell in love, had kids after being together for just over 3 years, and I guess we only realised too late how different we are. We just disagree about a lot of basic things - like whether to buy a house or not, how kids should be raised, politics, cleaning standards, I want to be vegetarian and he loves meat, he wants the kids to do sleep w me and I want them in their own beds etc etc. We are from different cultures too and our family language is English, but we each speak our own language too. I just feel like I don’t know how to solve this. Feel like it’s so hard for us to get on and it’s now damaging the kids, but if we divorce DH says he’d leave the country as there’s no prospects for him here and the kids would miss their dad terribly. He’s a good dad. I’m sure if we were divorced he’d be awful to me the whole time and make my life difficult. And being a single mum seems almost Impossible, financially and practically with my current job and life situation. I’ve suggested couples therapy to DH a million times but he refuses. Any advice or comfort?

Crap-alert: How exactly would divorce change your husbands prospects in UK? You're a grown woman; time to start thinking for yourself and about your children.

The two of you need to have these conversations in private, either with a counsellor or a divorce mediator.

Your poor 6 yr old. For her sake, you two have to make a decision .

He's not a good dad if he will.move overseas if you separate. Good dads don't do that.

You can't change his behaviour, only yours. Threatening divorce is pointless and damaging, you have to stop that completely (and definitely in earshot of the kids).If you want to be a vegetarian, be a vegetarian, and f he wants to cook with meat that's fine, he can be in charge (or you can, if you prefer), but you don't have to eat it. If he won't do counselling and you are arguing like this, then you need to find a way to make him go, or go yourself.

For your childrens' sake as well as yours, you can't leave this waiting for longer.

There's an American TV psychologist called Dr Phil. He used to be on daytime tv in the U.K. when my D.C. were little. He wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea but he talks a lot of good sense and watching him set me on the path that led to me going to university at age 50 and eventually qualifying as a psychotherapist. One line of his that has stuck with me for over 30 years is that 'children would rather come from a broken home than live in one'.

Hearing that from the teacher must have been a awful shock for you OP. There is no doubt your D.C. are suffering as much as you and your partner are but it doesn't have to be like this. You can change it. Another one of Doctor Phil's aphorisms is that 'the only thing worse than being in a bad marriage for 10 years is to be in that bad marriage for 10 years and 1 day'.

I don’t have many people close to me as we recently relocated back to my home country. Only lived in our current City for 1 year. My sis is tied up w all her kids and second
Marriage and difficult ex, my parents are old and both in very bad health.

I know you are all right. I need to divorce. I just texted with Dh about it and said we need to talk
Tonight we will not so I told him over text to avoid arguing I’m front of the kids. He will
Come
And pack a bag while I do the school run and leave tonight. He’s very angry and won’t discuss anything and just sent me the middle finger

@Scandimama

I don’t have many people close to me as we recently relocated back to my home country. Only lived in our current City for 1 year. My sis is tied up w all her kids and second Marriage and difficult ex, my parents are old and both in very bad health.

You didn't mention this in your OP. I still think that your current situation is unsustainable, but also how much do you think might be driven by him having moved to a foreign country, right at the time of covid? It is also less unreasonable if he would want to leave the country rather than be stuck long term in a place where he only lived for a year.

It may be that it's just shown up underlying issues (that was the case for my ex DH and I) but with children in the picture, I do think you want to be able to tell them.later that you made every reasonable effort to make it work.

Before you even mention the divorce word again, you should hide the children's passports. Neither of you should be removing the kids from the country but if your husband is serious about upling sticks and going home, then make sure he cannot grab the kids and go.

I had parents who fought like cat and dog and threatened divorce but were all about keeping up appearances and pretending to be a happy family to outsiders. I was very unhappy and it would have been far kinder and less damaging for them to live separately. I'm not close to them now because of my unhappy childhood home life

So get divorced
If you cannot stop arguing you need to split
Your dc want a peaceful house

Good that teacher listened.
Now listen to dc

Oh OP. My heart goes out to you.

I can empathise. I'm a single parent & I stayed far too long in an abusive marriage - partly because I kept believing it could be 'fixed' and partly because I couldn't contemplate Being Divorced & how that would affect out children.

I'm so grateful in retrospect that his behaviour escalated to such an extent that it had to end. My kids were 6,4 & 2, and it was v tough but I'm just glad they weren't older as I can see how detrimental the situation was for them. I was on the verge of a breakdown.

I'll be honest - it's not all that great now. Their father is very difficult & the abuse continues - but it has much less effect of course. He sees the children but has limited interest in them as a parent & they struggle with that - and I get the brunt. I find it exhausting and lonely being a single parent, working full time. I make many mistakes.

BUT it's still better & I know that.

If he's going tonight, let him go. You will manage. This might be the turning point. I wish you luck 💐

You'll probably find yourself a lot less stressed and tired when you leave him. The nightmare of all of this is such a drain on you. If he's difficult you can go through mediation to sort out terms, he doesn't get to dictate how things will be if you spilt. If he moves home to his home country then you won't even have that to worry about. Good luck

You can do this OP. Life will be great one day after you leave this situation.

You've done the right thing. Regardless of how you feel about divorce, you need to put your children first and it sounds like the chat with the teacher has been a wake up call for you. It must be seriously affecting your daughter for her to tell her teacher about it. You may want to ask the school if they have a school counsellor she can speak to. I know Place2Be are in some schools and do some kind of play therapy that can help.

It sounds like you'll be a lot happier apart. It will take a while to get used to your new situation but you'll be fine. You could contact Gingerbread for support or Rights of Women for legal advice.

I am going to be honest here - many divorced people do not put their children first and continue to go forward with their own agendas which is why so many children suffer from divorce. Its shit and selfish but that is what they do.

I split up with my exh when DD was 9 months, she is now 26. We co-parented well and put DD first, we had joint birthdays and celebrations, DD grew up secure in the knowledge that both of her parents were there for her and loved her. It wasnt always easy but her happiness was the most important thing.

It really is up to you and your attitude that will determine the future you have.

Listen to your dd, she probably speaks more sense than you do. She’s had enough of listening to her parents shouting at each other and would prefer it if you split up.

I left my ex when dd1 was 11, when I told her that me and her dad where splitting she wasn’t shocked, she wasn’t upset, she was relieved, although we rarely argued in front of her we did bicker a lot and we obviously were not happy. Life has been so much better since he left and they probably have a better relationship with him than when he lived here. I remember wanting my parents to split, they were always arguing but mum refused to leave because of us, she eventually left when I turned 18, I always felt guilty that my mum just put up with him because of us.

Sorry, just saw your post OP, well done for thanking the step xx

My oldest friend has had a positive divorce.

Tbh it seems like things would be easier if he did leave and go back to his birth country. Your six year old has more maturity than her father and more gumption than her mother.

It is time to put the children first.

@Candyfloss99

Sounds like you need to get the divorce. Never stay together for the children, even your DD has worked this out.

That. Your child is clearly absolutely miserable. How could you divorcing be any worse for her? She must dread coming home from school. Clearly nothing in your relationship is going to change fundamentally. Your marriage is making your kids unhappy. Why are you even thinking of continuing it?

😢😢I feel so upset right now. I worry so much about the future. It hurts to give up on the dream of a happy family consisting of mum and dad and kids. I know that a single parent household can also be a family. But it wasn’t my dream and I’m so sad. And My husband just texts back “fuck you” to everything I say. I even said if he doesn’t wanna leave I can leave tonight and then come back tomorrow in the day time or something and sort things out. I also told him he could take the car and keep it. He just says fuck you to everything I say.

Well done on taking steps.

I used to beg my parents to divorce and stop involving me in their arguments. And by involvement i also mean arguing infront of me and also using me as a pawn in their relationship.

It caused years of anxiety and issues in relationships.

Sorry. Cross post there. Well done OP. This has to be the right thing.

@LolaSmiles

There's a common misconception that leaving a dysfunctional marriage is a failure: it isn't.

Society has finally grasped the fact that two people can fall out of love, or become essentially friends and coparents rather than lovers, or they hit a crossroads and want different things, or that two people end up unhappy. There is no failure in deciding that a relationship has ran its course.

What is a failure in my opinion is knowing a relationship is unhealthy, arguing in front of the children, and then choosing to remain in that relationship out of pride (which is what not wanting to divorce tends to boil down to).

This. All of this.

OP, my ex husband and I co-parent really well. He's a friend.

...and btw none of this is caused by relocation or Covid. We have had problems for a very, very long time.

I just cannot handle how angry and hostile he is. He refuses to talk anything over and says he’ll just get his things and leave. He did say he’ll
Come back at some point and talk to the kids. I hope once he realises that it’s reality he will stay in the country and we can find a way to co-parent.

The kids really love Him. They’re very close. It would break their hearts not to have him
In their lives. It’s just the two of us who don’t get on.