DD told teachers DH and I am going to get divorced

[Scandimama]

Feel like the worst mum on earth right now. Just had a parent teacher conference (virtual of course) and teachers told us that DD (6 yrs) told them this week that her parents were arguing so loud that she could not hear the TV (it was while she and little brother 4 yes old were watching TV) and that we are going to get divorced and that she didn’t mind that. She said apparently that is getting divorced is fine and she just wants us to stop fighting. I think she partly thinks like that because my sister is divorced and she’s used to witnessing her cousins living between two homes. It was beyond embarrassing. I just wanted to die when the teachers told us. I told them that we’ve been having a hard time recently but have made up and told DD that we are not getting divorced.
I’ve threatened divorce many times, as our relationship is not good. DH and I are very different, I’d almost say incompatible. We fell in love, had kids after being together for just over 3 years, and I guess we only realised too late how different we are. We just disagree about a lot of basic things - like whether to buy a house or not, how kids should be raised, politics, cleaning standards, I want to be vegetarian and he loves meat, he wants the kids to do sleep w me and I want them in their own beds etc etc. We are from different cultures too and our family language is English, but we each speak our own language too. I just feel like I don’t know how to solve this. Feel like it’s so hard for us to get on and it’s now damaging the kids, but if we divorce DH says he’d leave the country as there’s no prospects for him here and the kids would miss their dad terribly. He’s a good dad. I’m sure if we were divorced he’d be awful to me the whole time and make my life difficult. And being a single mum seems almost Impossible, financially and practically with my current job and life situation. I’ve suggested couples therapy to DH a million times but he refuses. Any advice or comfort?

Very few of us planned on being single parents. For me the step was necessary because I didn’t want her primary relationship role model to be a poor one. Your fears of being a failure etc have to come secondary.

Your H is manipulating you because that’s all he has to keep you in your dysfunctional marriage.

DH has has already come a long way. He used to have a real alcohol problem, and he’s been sober now for 6 months. He used to smoke pot as wel and has quite that too. All that while adjusting to being in a new country where he has no family or friends expect for my family and friends,

Oh OP.

He's had a long-standing drink problem but has quit it for 6 months?

There are multiple strands of problems here.

It's of course your choice, and good luck with the counselling. Sadly I don't have much confidence in the issues being overcome. They are very deep rooted and his initial attitude of utter disrespect for me indicates core values of a relationship are missing.

I do get wanting to try, desperately.

I did all this. Including the counselling. Repeatedly. H went along with it, but never engaged & finally admitted to the counsellor he only went so I could be 'fixed', as he believed I - and I alone - was the problem.

Honestly, all this period of trying to make it work was even more damaging to me. And affected how I parent right to this day.

But I do understand that strangers on the Internet can't see inside your marriage or life!

I wish you luck 💐

@EarringsandLipstick ' Including the counselling. Repeatedly. H went along with it, but never engaged & finally admitted to the counsellor he only went so I could be 'fixed', as he believed I - and I alone - was the problem.'

H said the same luckily before marriage counselling. The only reason he wanted to go was to fix my messed up thinking. He seemed surprised I wasn't interested after that. I knew then he'd just turn it into another way to make me feel at fault. Didn't seem any point in going after that.

OP I get the desire to try, Ive certainly trued too long. I wish you luck with it.

@HereIAm123

Fair play to you for spotting it ahead of doing the counselling. Even after my H said that, which was after a full year of weekly counselling 😳 we tried counselling twice more.

He said each time he was totally engaged. Before making it clear he wasn't.

It was all part of his abuse & control. It was designed to make me feel mad. And it did.

OP hope you're ok.

Thanks all of you for your helpful comments and kindness. Very appreciated. I don’t feel great, we’ve had three peaceful days, but this morning we snapped at each other again. No major fight and it didn’t escalate as we both retreated, but we didn’t make up and the atmosphere is now tense again. I feel quite down about it all. I hate feeling weak and judged. I want my marriage to work but I don’t want to stay in this situation if it never improves for real. This morning the issue was small - working from home due to Covid and now both kids been quarantined due to cases in their kindergarten/ school. They were tested yesterday and so today DH stayed home from work (I did yesterday) and I was in the kitchen trying to work while trying to log on to the site to check the kids results. There was a long queue and the site kept crashing. DH comes in the quests in and asks “so did you get through” and I say no, and he goes “still not!” And because I was so stressed out with a lot of urgent work and the site crashing on top of it and the prospect of sorting out the next three days with work from home and childcare, I snapped “well I’m trying to log on but it keep crashing” in a really irritated voice and then he immediately raises his voice and goes “okay, calm down!” I just got really upset as I feel his response and actions are so inconsiderate. I told him I didn’t like the way he talked to me and he said I was the one being weird and all stressed out. I said yes I am stressed out so how does responding to me like that help? And he just refuses to see what I mean at all. I find him so unhelpful and destructive a lot of the time. Like he just says the wrong things and rubs me the wrong way all the time. But it seems I’m
Doing the same to him. I could have answered in a calm way, but I didn’t feel calm. I guess same for him, as he was also stressed out about staying home from
Work (he doesn’t get paid when he takes a day off, whether for illness or childcare or anything else). Maybe it’s all circumstances. It’s hard to tell as our life together has been one difficult circumstance after another for the last 4 years.

Then he went on to saying “I’m just not going to talk to you at all.” And walked out of the kitchen. Later he did talk to me about a practical issue but that’s it. It just seems we cannot get on.

I’m also thinking maybe our lives are difficult because of our dysfunctional relationship. Like it just brings so many issues along with it. I had postnatal depression with DS (second child) because he was colicky but I also think maybe because DH wasn’t as supportive as could have been. And then we moved to my home country and he refuses to learn the language and is generally negative about the country. He agrees that I should go for a better paid and more demanding job, but then makes me feel guilty when ever I have to do overtime. He is angry the kids speak the native language and criticises me for speaking my own language too much to the kids. Yet, when I imagine him gone, I feel deep sadness. Not just worry about the practicalities of being a single mum, but sadness that he would no longer be in our lives. Like I would miss him. But I don’t know why I feel that way. When kids are in bed we sometimes talk about practical stuff or watch together, but rarely do we discuss bigger issues or have deep conversation, because we disagree on so many aspects. We didn’t use to - in the past I was more alternative in my world views and I have become more mainstream, also he is so negative about everything. Expects the whole world to implode and doesn’t believe in anything. I find it upsetting and disheartening to talk to him. Meanwhile, he works very hard, does lots of housework and is loving and supportive to the kids. So I just feel like, from the practical side and outside he seems like a good husband and dad, but he treats me badly. Sometimes I think I’m too demanding and maybe that if I could just accept him the way he is, things would be fine. But I think he’s really messed up and would be like this w anyone he is with. Now I just don’t know how to move on from this situation. Everything feels hopeless. No one supports my thoughts of divorce. My parents discourage it and my friends just don’t know what to say. Most of them are not divorced.

But it's not down to others to agree to your divorce or not. YOU are living it. It's YOUR marriage and to me it sounds completely doomed.

I feel so sad. I just wish he would agree to split in a calm and amicable way. But he gets so angry when I bring it up and then wants to leave in anger. The kids love him so much. I cannot stress that enough. Especially our son. They would be devastated if he wasn’t in their lives. And seems he would make my life a nightmare if we split

All the mental and emotional energy and focus you are spending on this is taking it away from your children...

And also they are living in that doom laden difficult environment as they will feel the tension....is that good for them?? All your posts are about you and your issues and him and his issues not the kids.....its like a horrible limbo and that is stressful for everyone.

Someone needs to be the 'adult' and use the catalyst for change you said you had from the school call...to change the situation

Nothing has changed apart from a couple of days less shouting ...

Yes it’s so sad. Of course these posts are also a bit skewed, in real life I spent a lot of time w the kids and discus their well being etc etc, but as this thread is about my marriage issues, that’s what I post about here. In sure the kids sense the tension. I’m just not certain a split would be better for them if he’s going to be uncooperative. My sis split for her husband and the fall
Out from that divorce was insanely bad and still haunts her and the kids. The two oldest moved to their dad a their own instigation and he has turned them against her. I guess I have a very negative blue print for divorce and do not envision DH as a good ex husband

I’m also thinking maybe our lives are difficult because of our dysfunctional relationship

OP, you have hit the nail on the head here.

So many 'small' things become much harder as all your (emotional & physical energy) gets used up in the relationship.

I think the building blocks of respect & care are gone from your relationship. And I don't think they can be recovered.

I do agree that he will not split amicably and will make life difficult. Sadly, it seems that way - but it's still better. Believe me.

I've had a very tough time since my marriage ended 7 years ago. I am not one of those people who says 'oh so much happier now, life is great'. I struggle, I'm lonely, money has been (and often still is) a big issue, despite working full time in a challenging job. I've no help, few friendships. BUT. BUT. It's still better. Yes, really. My H was destroying me. The relationship was toxic (and abusive on his part). The kids would have been 100% emotionally negatively affected. I was heading for a complete breakdown. Who would have cared for them then?

Believe me. You can do it.

Forget about your DSis. Her story isn't yours.

Your gut will tell you what's right. Listen to that, not us or anyone else. 💐

OP I've felt a lot of sadness over the last 3 years re breaking up. I think it is more the loss of the dreams I had for our future and losing the person he was/I thought he was, not losing him as he is now. My parents divorced acrimiously and their was a lot of damage from that. I'm sure that's part of the reason I hung on far to long. @Scandimama it is very hard to break ingrained patterns of behaviour. They become wired into our mind. It's really something you need outside support with. Would counselling be an option? Even just going on your own to find out what you want and need. Sorry can't remember if you've addressed this.

@EarringsandLipstick I still agreed to try again and try harder after that comment, we didn't go to counselling but I bought into the rest of his gaslighting.

of course these posts are also a bit skewed, in real life I spent a lot of time w the kids and discus their well being etc etc, but as this thread is about my marriage issues, that’s what I post about here. In sure the kids sense the tension.

Sorry @Scandimama I think you’re deluding yourself. You posted here because your child told a teacher she would be fine with you divorcing as the fighting would stop. That’s not a child who ‘senses a bit of tension’ that’s a child growing up in an unhappy home learning bad things about how relationships work and actually wanting one of her parents to leave the household as she thinks it’ll be better.

You need to put your children first and face into your reality. You only barely managed 3 days without a fight. I don’t actually remember the last time my DH and I had a fight. This is not a healthy relationship and the longer you stay in it the more damaged your children will be.

@Scandimama I appreciate if other people have said it (not read the full thread) it can seem like there's a pile on which was not my intention. I actually had first hand experience as a child of intense shouting arguments from my parents, and let me tell you, it's horrendously frightening as a child, especially if it's happening multiple times, even if we hide the fear.

It's nothing about being kind/unkind, but the need to share first hand how damaging it is because if you've done it more than once, you/your husband are simply not taking your children's welfare into consideration. I've never felt so out of control that I start horrible arguments like that in front of children. If such arguments are happening in front of kids, it's a choice and it's imperative it stops now, whatever the cause. Get mental health therapy/meds, anger management, whatever it takes.

I disagree with other posters that the marriage is unsalvageable. People on here generally love pushing for divorce as it's not their own marriages or families at stake, and they don't have to deal with the consequences themselves. Divorce causes its own significant trauma to children and also has an impact on their own relationships later in life. The divorce of my parents was much more traumatic than those explosive arguments (we still feel the effects now of the divorce as fully grown adults).

It's not an either/or situation between explosive arguments in front of the kids, or divorce, because interventions like counselling, individual therapy, anger management etc. can help you both disagree in a more healthy way and resolve your issues over time. You both can turn things around if you have a mind to do so (which it seems you do) so I encourage you and wish you the very best!

I meant to add that your child wants the arguments to stop but just because the child is conflating that with divorce doesn't mean they actually want you to divorce, they just want the arguments in front of them to stop - which is very different. As above, there are other ways to stop the tension and bad arguments which of course a child knows nothing about! I think you understand this OP but some posters have unfortunately jumped on the words of a little child, who is obviously completely oblivious to the ramifications of divorce, to push their divorce agenda.

@rybbita thank you for your kind and understanding Words. They rally helped me.

For those who say divorce is the best thing, I really understand where you’re coming from. And it may still end up like that.
However, I do want to give our marriage another go. I think it’s too soon to
Give up.

Hi op! Hope you had a nice Christmas with no arguments. Just saw this thread when I logged back on and wanted to see how you're doing.
Does your DH have any friends of his own here? Any people from the same country as he is from, or any other international families around? My dh's general wellbeing and mood lifted a lot when he started a language course with people in the same situation as him, and we see other international families quite a lot (covid permitting).
If you post about any marriage problem on mumsnet, the default answer is always divorce. You're not there yet by the sound of it, so stop even considering it for now and commit to trying to improve your relationship and communication. If and when you've decided that's what you really want to do, you can then concentrate on making it happen.
There's a lot of changes that have happened in your lives. You've had kids, moved countries, and you said your thinking has become more mainstream from being more alternative before. Imagine how hard that must be for dh.

@NoJose thanks for checking in. Actually had a good week. One big stress in iced fight the day before Christmas, but kids didn’t really notice thanks God. Other than that been a lot better. Have been thinking a lot of our problems may come
Down to the stress of every day life. Once we are on holiday, we get on a lot
Better, which is encouraging. Our every day life is just insanely busy. Currently thinking about what we can do to make it less so. But given a new lock down here, things may become shaky again as kids will be home from school and we have to work. I’m determined to start a new path though. I think I’ve been way to negative and critical of DH. And him
Of me. But one of us has to start being more positive and kind so I’ve started, and things are already improving. We just got stuck in a negative pattern focusing on the worst parts of each other rather than the good sides, of which there are after all many. I really belief that we can turn a corner and be happier again. I even started praying, something I haven’t done for years, and it’s really helping me. The kids have also really enjoyed this week and especially my daughter seems happier and more relaxed. I am committed to making sure this good streak continues and plan to support it with beating exercises, less plans and more down time, prayer and focus on all the things that’s right about DH rather than what’s wrong.
I wish everyone a happy new year - don’t we all need a good 2021 more than anything - and thanks
For all
Your comments and support.