DD told teachers DH and I am going to get divorced

[Scandimama]

Feel like the worst mum on earth right now. Just had a parent teacher conference (virtual of course) and teachers told us that DD (6 yrs) told them this week that her parents were arguing so loud that she could not hear the TV (it was while she and little brother 4 yes old were watching TV) and that we are going to get divorced and that she didn’t mind that. She said apparently that is getting divorced is fine and she just wants us to stop fighting. I think she partly thinks like that because my sister is divorced and she’s used to witnessing her cousins living between two homes. It was beyond embarrassing. I just wanted to die when the teachers told us. I told them that we’ve been having a hard time recently but have made up and told DD that we are not getting divorced.
I’ve threatened divorce many times, as our relationship is not good. DH and I are very different, I’d almost say incompatible. We fell in love, had kids after being together for just over 3 years, and I guess we only realised too late how different we are. We just disagree about a lot of basic things - like whether to buy a house or not, how kids should be raised, politics, cleaning standards, I want to be vegetarian and he loves meat, he wants the kids to do sleep w me and I want them in their own beds etc etc. We are from different cultures too and our family language is English, but we each speak our own language too. I just feel like I don’t know how to solve this. Feel like it’s so hard for us to get on and it’s now damaging the kids, but if we divorce DH says he’d leave the country as there’s no prospects for him here and the kids would miss their dad terribly. He’s a good dad. I’m sure if we were divorced he’d be awful to me the whole time and make my life difficult. And being a single mum seems almost Impossible, financially and practically with my current job and life situation. I’ve suggested couples therapy to DH a million times but he refuses. Any advice or comfort?

I wanted the kids to grow up in a stable and loving Home

But your kids don’t have that at the moment.

I guess your children have heard you threatening a divorce. People don’t say those sorts of things unless they have been thinking it. Do you think your subconscious is trying to tell you something?

Marriage is not a contest and divorce is not a failure. It is the sensible and right thing to do where a marriage is a source of such unhappiness.

It absolutely sounds like you should divorce

@Scandimama

Thanks *@DropOfRainthat* really kind and helpful to Point that out. I thought fighting in front of the kids was great and don’t feel bad about it at all.

Don’t be defensive. You’ve asked for people to give their advice. You clearly need to be told to stop arguing in front of the children, or your daughter would not have been so upset at school. It’s emotionally abusive for your children to be hearing these things. The pair of you need to reign it in.

If her dad leaves them and doesnt consider them reason enough to hang about, then i very much doubt hes a good dad.
Just rip the plaster off.
Shit, or get off the pot.
The way you are dealing with it at the moment is clearly damaging yiur children

Please don’t have rows in front of the children in future, or anywhere they can hear you. I can tell you from experience that it’s extremely worrying and upsetting.

If you’ve been talking divorce where your young children can hear you. I’m not at all surprised that your 6 yo told the teacher. It won’t occur to a young child that they should keep quiet to save you embarrassment.

You need to discuss or sort out whatever’s necessary out of earshot of the children.

I know they don’t have a stable, loving home. I just feel so scared and embarrassed. Like having a bad marriage and ending it feel a like such a massive failure. And I am so scared of being on my own w the kids. Encouraging to see comments from people saying that their parents divorced and that they were happy they did, though.

That sounds awful for everyone! Honestly if he petulantly takes himself away from his children that is on him but threats of divorce sound hugely destabilising for your children. Far better they know things are stable and that they, the child, are loved and not to blame.

It's far more positive to recognise a mistake and improve things x good luck!

I absolutely hear you OP and your thought about divorce and single motherhood are very accurate in my experience.

However, believe me you can do it (tbh as single mums we have no choice), and the current situation looks unsustainable.

Build up as much outside support as humanly possible. I hope you have a dad, brother or uncle who could give him a kick up the arse if he becomes difficult you’ve split

@Scandimama

I completely agree the school was right in raising it. I would have done the same in their shoes. I feel awful. Just so sad and down. I feel there are no good solutions. We should never have had kids as we are a bad march. Obvs I love our kids more than anything on earth and don’t regret them, but our marriage is really bad. I just want to do something that will be good for the kids. I don’t think I can resign Myself to live with repressed anger forever. Either our relationship has to improve or we have to split. I guess DH is trying to control me with the threat of leaving the country. He says he doesn’t want to split up because he wants to see the kids grow up. I don’t think he can imagine us living Apart financially and practically

You need to leave. Its not about you and your manipulative DH. It is about the kids and this very damaging to them

Op, my heart goes out to you. Your situation is understandable and yet I can imagine in your position I also would not feel like any choice was a good choice. I can see how you feel like you are not giving your children the childhood you hoped. I'm so sorry you are carrying that sadness around with you.
It doesn't sound as though your dh is open to conversations which makes this almost impossible because really the way forward needs to be found between you ideally, whatever that is. If he won't discuss things and recognise that what you have isn't sustainable so it needs to be improved or left then that leaves you with deciding alone.
Do you have any rl support? It doesn't sound as though you see a way out, can you access any advice about what financial/housing support may be available?
The crazy thing is that he can't be enjoying it any more than you so it is crazy that he doesn't want to find a way to improve things.

@Scandimama

I know they don’t have a stable, loving home. I just feel so scared and embarrassed. Like having a bad marriage and ending it feel a like such a massive failure. And I am so scared of being on my own w the kids. Encouraging to see comments from people saying that their parents divorced and that they were happy they did, though.

Sorry OP, but feeling embarrassed or like a failure if you divorce is really selfish. You’ve got to woman up and sort out your family. Being a single parent might actually be easier as you won’t be spending so much emotional energy being angry and resentful to your husband. Children not being able to hear the tv because of an argument is a really bad argument and there is no way they should be subjected to that. A 6 year old shouldn’t have to even be thinking about solutions to the How to Stop Mummy & Daddy Shouting Problem.

Your sister’s divorce sounds particularly bad, but that doesn’t mean yours has to be. Yes you may have to move to a smaller house but I can guarantee that your children would much rather have that than be living in an aggressive environment that shakes their security and self-confidence.

If your DH buggers off out of the country then that’s absolutely on him. Just because you split up doesn’t mean he has to step back from parenting. He still has that relationship with them so if he wants to be involved in parenting you can’t stop him because it makes life a bit inconvenient for you. The way things sound, it’s not about you and it’s not about your children. Both of you need to sort your shit out and do what is best for your DC. Sorry if that’s too direct, but embarrassment is not a reason to make your children grow up in an unhappy, shouty house.

I've been that child. Seriously, you need to divorce. My siblings and are still impacted by our parents shitty marriage fifty years later.

@Scandimama

DD has no understanding of the reality of divorced parents. She doesn’t know we’d have to move to an even smaller place, that she may hardly ever see her dad or that her mum may be even more tired on a daily basis than I already am. I know I’m my heart that divorce is the only solution but I’m too scared to walk the plank and cannot at all see how it would work.

Your DD will be fine if you accept your responsibility of keeping her childhood as happy as possible. Right now you're making any excuse to stay as you are which is harming her and yourself. Pull yourself together and work out a plan before your DD's childhood consists only of you and your husband arguing in earshot of her.

I'm divorced. I have happy, sorted children. They have always been my priority and over time I've developed a lovely happy life for myself too. It's simply not true that it's better not to be divorced - if you are in a bad marriage, it is definitely better to be divorced. You have it in your power to give your children a positive, happy childhood - use that power and get a divorce and focus on a positive new life. You can do it. Believe in yourself, you can!

This is a wake up call for you OP.
What you and the dad are subjecting the kids too is emotional abuse. What are you going to do now? You are where you are.

There's a common misconception that leaving a dysfunctional marriage is a failure: it isn't.

Society has finally grasped the fact that two people can fall out of love, or become essentially friends and coparents rather than lovers, or they hit a crossroads and want different things, or that two people end up unhappy. There is no failure in deciding that a relationship has ran its course.

What is a failure in my opinion is knowing a relationship is unhealthy, arguing in front of the children, and then choosing to remain in that relationship out of pride (which is what not wanting to divorce tends to boil down to).

Whilst I don;t think for one second being a single parent would be easy you're viewing it through the lens of what your life is like now i.e. the tensions and fights between you and your husband will be sapping a hell of strength out of you - you may well find you're much stronger when you and your DC are not living within such a toxic environment.

My mother and father argued a lot. If you'd asked me as a child if I wanted them to divorce I'd have been terrified and said no - this was despite me treasuring days out with just my mum purely from the point of view that dad wasn't with us. As an adult I'm still in therapy for the trauma caused by my childhood and I resent my mother for not removing us from that situation. We have a distant relationship now after a decade of no contact (initiated by me). You will reap what you sow if you don't find the strength to sort this mess out.

Living without conflict and arguments can be very positive and freeing. Being a single Mum isn’t always a bad, tiring, negative situation. It can be a much better situation than living in an argumentative home.

She doesn’t know we’d have to move to an even smaller place, that she may hardly ever see her dad or that her mum may be even more tired on a daily basis than I already am.

OP, my heart absolutely breaks for you and your DC. My parents were divorced and I'm so glad. I don't care (and never did) that I shared a room until I left for uni, that we didn't have a dining room or that we only have one bathroom (no shower). I grew up in a calm household, with no rows or shouting and I'm so grateful to my mum for that. It must have been tough on her, but it was 100% the right thing.

Thanks for all
Your comments encouraging me to see the positive sides of a divorce. I guess just right now things seem impossible. Like there are non good solutions. But perhaps living on my own w the kids can be a good thing.

Simplistically, you sound more concerned about what 'other people' think about you (mostly nothing much at all, really), than about what your DC feel.

Your DH's choices are his own. Stop letting him blackmail you with threats to abandon his children.

The practicalities of getting out and living as a single mother will be challenging yes but can be taken a step at a time and other people, the ones you're actually close to, will be supportive and helpful.

It's not about succeeding or failing, it's about living your life in the best way you can in the circumstances you're faced with.

Sometimes we have to choose between a bad option and a slightly less bad option. The universe isn't so kind as to always give us a good option vs a bad option.

I don't see divorce as failing, in the same way that a relationship running its natural course is not a failing.

It's courageous.

I wouldn't consider it to be a mark of success to stay in a bad, destructive situation purely through fear or pride or an an attempt to postpone having to grieve for a loss that's already occurred.

There is nothing about what you need to do next that is insurmountable or unsurvivable. It's scary because it's unknown, not because it's impossible.