SUPPORT THREAD FOR THE PARTNERS OF ADDICTS

[lemonstartree]

having read all the posts on princesshobnob's thraet It struck me (prob because I am one of them) how may women are living with addicts/abusive men (does one cause the other etc etc!)

thought maybe we could do with our own support thread.

I have recently kicked out my cannabis head husband. It has been hard, but not as hard as livig with his dope smoking and verbal abuse (to me) and physical abuse of the children.

So much of what other women wrote reasonated with me; the wanting another chance; the lying; the erratic behaviour; the blaming me (you) for their problems; the financial mess; the wanting sex when high - when tbh you hate them and have never wanted it less; the messing with your head until you think its YOU with the problem.

I am a bit further on than some of you - its 2 months since my marriage ended,
but my H says he has now stopped smoking cannabis, he has found a job and starts this week and he is NOW thnking hes 'done enough' to be given a second (read 50TH) chance.
I am expecting trouble whan I make it clear that some thngs cannot be repaired however Sorry you are that they are broken....

gonepearshaped

You must have felt a whole gamut of emotions because other people now know.

You telling him to stop though won't make a blind bit of difference either short or long term. He has to want to stop drinking for his own self, you cannot make him seek help or want to stop drinking no matter how much you want him to. He may well end up dragging you all down with him.

Does he think he has a problem or is he in denial of the situation?. Many alcoholics often underestimate how much they are actually drinking.

Many women in these situations act as their partner's enabler. I would urge you not to enable him at all because you likely have done so.

You need to consider your children as well.
Growing up in a household too where one parent is alcoholic will do the children no favours at all. It can leave them with a whole host of emotional problems as adults.

You are only responsible for your own self and your children. Not him.

In any case I would urge you to find a support organisation for partners of alcoholics. Have a look at the Al-anon website - they can help family members of problem drinkers.

Thanks for your post Attila, he knows he has a problem, when I first confronted him he tried to deny there was anything wrong at the party. When I refused to believe him (cause I really don't think the other Mum was lying) he appeared to accept it.

I have done a great deal of enabling in the past but have become pretty detached. He would be a good dad if it weren't for the fact that he will drink enough to put his DS at risk .

Tonight he is withdrawn and apparently not drinking, says he's fine, communication is zero. I would kick him out no hesitation but our son loves him and I would effectively have to resign my job if I became a single parent. That sounds very bad I know.

gonepearshaped,

Your son can still have a relationship with his Dad without him being in your son's life every single day. Children are very perceptive; he will pick up on all the bad vibes and non communication between you and your H. We learn also about relationships first and foremost from our parents - what are you both teaching your child?. As I mentioned before children growing up in a house where one parent is alcoholic will do him no favours whatsoever; it will emotionally harm him.
Have a look at NACOA's website.

Am sorry to write this as well but he is patently not a good Dad at all if he will drink enought to put his son at any risk because of his alcoholism. Look what happened previously, he was too drunk to take your son home from nursery. Another parent had to do it. God knows how you must have felt.

What does your H do of a day - does he have a paid job or is he your son's primary caregiver during the day?.
What sort of support network do you have? (you say you live abroad now).

Its up to you ultimately because he won't seek help until he is ready to. And he may well choose not to (words are cheap) and keep denying to himself. He may well go on as he is - you're around to enable him. His primary relationship is with drink - that comes first and everything and EVERYONE else including your son comes a dim and distant last. There are no guarantees here; he could well hit rock bottom and still continue to drink.

You are only responsible for yourself and your son. Not him. Enabling your H as you have done has done neither of you (particularly you) any good at all. All enabling does is shield the person from the consequences of their actions.

As I said its up to you. You need support for your own self and you need to talk to Al-anon (or at least read their website). Does not matter that you're now abroad.

Hi there, i've changed my name to post on here. alot of my old baggage is earlier down this thread and would like a fresh start if you know what i mean!

gonepearshaped - i am sorry but i dont think you have any other choice but do the single parent thing at least for the time being.

it is very sad but you cannot allow DH to be the carer for DS if he cannot be trusted not to drink in the day. i have in the past made the mistake of thinking DH was capable of looking after my little one. he collected him from my parents in his car and they did not see that he was drunk. you are very fortunate that your friend stopped him cycling with DS on the back of his bike. i was very fortunate that my DS was not hurt on this occasion but i shudder to think what could have happened. when drink is involved all sense of responsibility flies out of the window. you have to protect your DS from this.

Is your DH going to go to AA/ see his dcotor for help? he needs advice on stopping drinking safely. if he is dependant he cannot just stop on his own and will need medical treatment to cope with the withdrawals.

i am fortunate that DH does now accept he has a problem and has fully engaged with his doctor and with AA. (it took him nearly killing himself first) but he is now able to hold down a job and for the mostpart is a lovely person to live with again. there was nothing i said or did which brought this about. i was a completely helpless bystander and in the end had no option but end the relationship until he sorted himself out.

i have read what attilla says about it doing children harm to grow up on a house with an alcoholic parent. i agree but think there needs to be a distinction made between an alcoholic doing their best to stay sober and an active alcoholic. i genuinely belive my child benefits from having his father in his life on a daily basis. do i deprive him of this because his father is and always will be an alcoholic? which is worse - my son growing up in a house where alcohol is not permitted or in a house where mum and dad set an example of drinking regularly?

i guess what i am trying to say is you have to make sure that you and DS are safe from harm and that probably means separating from him if he continues to drink. only if and when he is sober can you then decide what to do with the future.

i know this wont be easy and really feel for you. i do think that those who have never known or loved an alcoholic or an addict dont realise just how difficult it is to "detach" - cut the person you have married and chosen to have a family with - out of your life.

bondgirl

I am so pleased that your H decided to seek help for his alcoholism.

Echo Attila, you are (both) very fortunate that your H is going to AA.

• though there is a distinction between 'detaching' from just the illness and not the person....

Hi every one.

I wanted to write a quick update

My husband has now been back at home for 10 months. he remains clean. (15 months now)

After quite a difficult start, when I seemed to be doing everything, He is now an equal partner again, doing his share of the domestic chores and childcare and able to make plans for the future.

It took me leaving him, and meaning it; him losing his home, children, wife, job friends and all respect, for him to see what his drug addction had done... but he did stop, is determined to remain clean and we have a better marriage that at any time before.

there IS hope! But it does have to be the addicts decision, all the partner can do is look after themselves and their children.

I hope everyone has a peaceful Christmas

lst x

PS any one know what happened to Princesshobnob?

Hi LST, thanks so much for the update - I was wondering what had happened to you. As you can see, your thread is alive and well!!

I'm on Nights until Boxing Day - I will be having my Christmas Day at my mums with DD - she is with her dad at his parents for the day itself. I am sad but when I think of the madness of last Christmas I am honestly glad to be at work this year .

Wishing everyone a peaceful Christmas and with every wish for a peaceful New Year.

ssxx

Bump!

Anyone about today?

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL OF US! I'm at work on the night shift (DD is at my mums).
SSX

Very happy new year everyone, hope your christmas and NY were peaceful.

my dh has announced he is giving up the booze, i give it a week max!

I have had a very peaceful Christmas & New Year - only because (STBEx)H has been away at his parents since Dec. 20th....but when I got in from work this am and there was a message on the answerphone from him wishing me a Happy New Year.

That made me feel really ....

Message withdrawn

Happy new year to everyone

Good luck 12SM
SS, hope your nye was peaceful, don't let him get you down, you are doing so well
LST, fab to hear how things are turning around, thankyou for a
Knickers, keep strong, Ignore the words, for that is all they are. I'm on your fb if you need to let off steam

No change here really. Back to being an arse, but thank goodness, I only have the verbal crap to deal with these days, although that is enough.

Same old really. Sober, I want this marriage to survive, drunk I just want him gone. Reality is I'm terrified that the process of getting him gone when he's being an arse will catch the attention of SS, I've read too much recently which has left me terrified of them. And, yeah, when drunk he scares me. Bastard

Ah well. detach, detah, detach.

wishing you all strength and peace xx

PHN, how are you???

I think, if i have the correct alter ego that she had her dd2 at the end of sept, and has been around a little on the pn boards...

Ready

re your comments:-

"No change here really. Back to being an arse, but thank goodness, I only have the verbal crap to deal with these days, although that is enough".

Verbal abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse. This crap stays in your head as well hence the damage, also the longer you hear it the more you become ground down. Your children are also likely to be hearing it as well. They are certainly picking up on the bad vibes. What effect is all this having on them?.

"Same old really. Sober, I want this marriage to survive, drunk I just want him gone".

How can this marriage survive with a drunkard as a husband?. Think about this, it is not sustainable currently. You're also being verbally abused and ground down by him. You have a choice here re him; your children have no say. Detaching legally as well as enotionally is a way forward for you and I do not advocate separation and or divorce lightly.

"Reality is I'm terrified that the process of getting him gone when he's being an arse will catch the attention of SS, I've read too much recently which has left me terrified of them"

Why would that happen?. What have you been reading?. Why would SS get involved anyway?.

"And, yeah, when drunk he scares me. Bastard."

If he scares you when he is drunk how must your children feel?. They see you scared and worry for you accordingly. They need consideration too in all this because you're not the only one affected by his alcoholism; growing up in a household with a drunk parent will do them NO favours at all as adults and will give them their own set of emotional problems. You need to think long term here for them.

You still have a choice y'know. You can make a better future for you and them without him being in your day to day lives. It is taking that first step to leave that is often the hardest one to take.

Do not let him destroy you and your children. All he is doing at present is dragging you all down with him.

Attila - I really support what you are saying about the kids suffering and it being about much more than just the relationship, they don't have a choice and staying around in the realtionship will give them a very odd sense of how normal relationships operate, what is and isn't acceptable behaviour, and in this situation kids can develop coping mechanisms that may not serve them well later in life. Sending you courage Ready4anotherdecaf, and also to knickers xx

Hi,

I've been around, but just as a lurker. I guess I was using this as a place to vent, but I don't now how useful that is.

I got to a stage where I knew enough was enough, but I had the house valued, and the price had dropped so much, and all my savings are gone so I am truly stuck at the moment, as if I sold now I would be have unmanageable debt, no job, 2 young kids. My plan is to hopefully stagger on for a few months, hoping he will not quite totally ruin us, until we have done some more work on the house and it's worth enough that I get out at least not in debt. If only I could re-wind to last April and walked away with the money and never bought the house..

Things got a lot worse over the summmer, he met a man at CA who introduced him to a marvellous "herbal" remedy that stopped the craving for cocaine - anyway, basically that way introduced him to crack. He spent vast sums of money over a few months before pulling himself together. He's been doing better lately as in he can go for days or even a week not doing anything. But then like tonight he went to get £350 owed to him and despite telling me all day not to worry and that he'd be home, of course he isn't, and he's turned off his phone.

I hate him so badly, I still struggle to detch from him as he makes me so furious. It's not just the drugs and the money, it's his whol;e attitude, the lying in bed til he's ready to get up, it's like he's a 20 year old living with his mum, and being annoyed that that she expects him to help out with his younger siblings or something.

We sleep separately, but sometimes he'll come in, and want to get in my bed - when I say no, or say ok if to chat to kids, but not just to go to sleep leaving me and them perched on edge with nowhere else to go... it turns into me causing problems - basically if i don't agree with what he says or does, I have to put up with it or shut up about it otherwise I'm the baddie for reacting.

I hate him so much. I want to be free of him so much. I want my kids in a happy home. I don't want them to witness a dysfunctional relationship.

Anyway - sorry Atilla but although you speak a lot of sense, at the same time, it's stuff I know. I just want to vent sometimes, not be told I need to leave etc because I want that and I know it needs to happen, and I just need to find the way.

Anyway - sorry it's me me me. I hope everyone else is OK tonight x

princess

Haven't seen you on here for a while.

You are in a bad place aren't you. And by you I mean your kids as well.

I know you know and that to me is bloody sad. You most certainly have every right to vent but actions from you now are needed, not just words. You yourself write re venting that you don't know how useful that is any more. Now your plan is to try to stagger on for a few more months hopefully he will not quite totally ruin us ......and where will that leave you then?. Doubtless in the same mess, perhaps even worse (it has indeed got worse hasn't it?). Where will it end?.

Did he go through all your savings?. Where's all that money gone?.

If you spend money on having more work done on the house there is no guarantee that you'll recoup any more money when it comes to be sold. Whose name is the mortgage in?. Have you talked to the lender?.

Your continued and ongoing struggle to detach from him is not helping you any. All he is doing is dragging you and your children down with him. He will destroy you all ultimately.

"I want to be free of him so much. I want my kids in a happy home. I don't want them to witness a dysfunctional relationship"

If you really want this - and I think you do - you will find a way out. There is always a way out. Have you sought legal advice, CAB, Shelter, council - there is help out there. It is perhaps only when you are rid of him from your daily lives that you will perhaps realise the scale of the damage that he has caused. Being there enables him; you continue to be his enabler.

BTW do you still attend that family support group?

Hi Princess - Congratulations on the baby. Your post is so .
I'm so sorry things are still bad. I'd hoped you were going to be one of the success stories on here.
Is the house in your name or joint names? If its yours couldn't you throw him out. Crack is serious stuff ... worse than coke and you know what the next step up from that is.
All I will say to you is please get out before he goes one step further.
I know its not the done thing here but sending you a ((((hug))) all the same.
x

Big Bump!

Hey princess, I'm so sorry to hear how things are.

are you able to talk to the council, would it be possible to go homeless through them? I know it's not totally in their remit, but would womens aid have any helpful info on getting him out?

I'm not usually touchy-feely but sending you a big ((((hug)))) and soothing mug of hot chocolate.

Hope everyone else is ok

Princess - v sad for you, it's a horrible place to be in. Just wanted to wish you and the DCs well, you'll find a way - cannot really think of anything remotely useful to say, just to wish you strength. So sorry

How's everyone else bearing up?