SUPPORT THREAD FOR THE PARTNERS OF ADDICTS

[lemonstartree]

having read all the posts on princesshobnob's thraet It struck me (prob because I am one of them) how may women are living with addicts/abusive men (does one cause the other etc etc!)

thought maybe we could do with our own support thread.

I have recently kicked out my cannabis head husband. It has been hard, but not as hard as livig with his dope smoking and verbal abuse (to me) and physical abuse of the children.

So much of what other women wrote reasonated with me; the wanting another chance; the lying; the erratic behaviour; the blaming me (you) for their problems; the financial mess; the wanting sex when high - when tbh you hate them and have never wanted it less; the messing with your head until you think its YOU with the problem.

I am a bit further on than some of you - its 2 months since my marriage ended,
but my H says he has now stopped smoking cannabis, he has found a job and starts this week and he is NOW thnking hes 'done enough' to be given a second (read 50TH) chance.
I am expecting trouble whan I make it clear that some thngs cannot be repaired however Sorry you are that they are broken....

Thank you

I know it is justified but I hate the way it starts about a week to two weeks before he's even gone out!

When he is out I do tend to go to see my sister or to see friends but to be honest I'd like to stay in my own house with my own things being normal and not worrying.

I am giving out mixed messages and I know how silly it sounds.

hey walt3rmego

No worries

Attila

P.S Co-anon would be good for you to talk to. I could not agree more with 12stepmumm - her comment to you, "other drugs/booze - very mixed messages are coming out. you can change rooms on the titanic but the ship still goes down" is a prosaic one.

Your anxiety will remain a huge problem for you until he starts to address his drug use if he chooses to. It is not solely down to you alone - your anxiety is completely justified and he is causing you stress up to 2 weeks before he goes on a cocaine binge.

How does he react when you tell him that you'd rather he not be using at all?.

Hi Walt3r.
There is a link further back on this thread about detachment, which I think might help you. I can understand your anxieties about your dp's cocaine use, but the blunt truth is that he won't stop doing it. So you have to either find a way of dealing with it when it happens (this is why the detachment link would be helpful) or if you can't then maybe you are with the wrong man .
What is it that scares you so much? Is it the way it affects him and his behaviour towards you or the health implications?
Fwiw, it doesn't sound at the moment like he's a fully blown addict, but as we all know on this thread, all addicts start somewhere and I have seen many many lives screwed up by a so called 'recreational drug user' who gradually ups the intake and ends up on a £500 a week habit before they know it.
Not being judgemental - but think long and hard about how all this will affect your dc in the future.
Good luck.

Hi Walt3, you really are on the right thread - all we are doing here is supporting the partners of addicts and supplying a space for people to vent., knowing that there are people on here with similar problems....

You can 'take what you like and leave the rest' - but for what it's worth, I think you will find that staying with the thread will help you to put things into some sort of perspective.

At the moment, it sounds like you are in a vicious circle of your own - your P is going on a night out, you know he is going to take drugs, you get anxious beforehand and then after the night out the anxiety you have starts earlier and earlier as he leads up to another night out. Somehow, you need some help to get out of that cycle so you can see things more clearly. Have you tried CA?

Room for a little big one?

detachment It's ben good to re-read this

Hello all, welcome Walt and RedRobin. I like the name btw, but I think ifI was in our shoes I might have to change it to throttling dh

SS, I'm so sorry to hear about your sister. How is she doing?

Sorry to hear of your anxiety walt, it is very hard especially as you know how vunerable they are while under th influence, and when you know what it will do their body. I look at my dds and wonder whether they will be walking down the aisle in time to come with their father. Atilla, bless her fierce chainmail socks, really does talk sense, unpalatable as it is at times.

Here, after a couple of really nice peaceful months it is all back downhill. In the last couple of weeks dh stopped drinking so much beer, and went on a healthkick with cranberry juice. I don't know where he hides it, but I know each night he's hiding a small bottle of vodka in the kitchen

FFs I am stuck in the madness. Yesterday I had to get out with the dcs to keep us all safe before he became violent. Today he was completly oblivious of quite how foul he was. I can seethe effect last night had on theolder 2, and it was loody huiliating explaining (for the first time ever) to ds's teacher and dd1's key worker that they were a little fragile due to a late night as their dad was being an arse. Posting this is giving me the prompt to ring WA and find out how I stand...

Anyway... Anyone making christmas plans?

ready

God, that must have been an awful experience for both your children and you. I hope you mangage to break free of him eventually as he is certainly putting the alcohol before yourselves (and will continue to do so).

Did you phone WA?. Hope so.

Attila wearing her stripey chainmail socks.

Thanks for your thoughts, Ready. My SIL is having to re-start chemo next week. It's her 48th birthday tomorrow.....

My STBEH (No I'm not Liz Jones - LOL!!) has started to become a serious liability....he left a 'milkshake' lying around, which I found before DD did, Thank God!! That is a sure sign that he is losing it, because he is always sooooo careful to knock it back in one if he has to leave the room/go to the loo (though the time he spends in there using a whole roll of loopaper - I'll wager he has some vodka stashed in there somewhere ).

When he had sobered up I confronted him with what he had done; said what a danger he was to DD now. And he accused me of being menopausal - which just goes to show how it is hitting home. It's all very sad but he is getting quite near to the bottom of the pit. I'm taking him & DD to his parents for Xmas, then I'm taking her to my mums on Boxing Day.

I so want to say to him not to bother coming back because he is making our lives truly intolerable. We go to court on the 16th Jan to try to get the finances sorted and the Absolute through. But I fear that the only way of getting him out is an injunction - which wouldn't be a problem if he was violent/abusive to me or DD - but I have no real evidence in order to get one.

Im trying so hard not to be acrimonious about it 'cos despite his illness there is DD to think of - she has an unconditional love for her daddy even though she knows 'about his illness, that he falls down, hurts himself, smashes things up but doesn't remember doing it'.

This w/end has been tricky 'cos the weather has been awful. We spent 1 1/2 hrs in the park this am to get away from the atmosphere. Bloody freezing, cold & drizzly!! Went to see a friend & her kids this afternoon. Luckily DD has a birthday party to go to tomorrow.

Thank God I'm at work next week & DD is in school....though we have the play to go to on Wed pm. STBEH will be there too in all his stinky glory, but I shall grin & bear it. I cannot stop him coming, he has a right to see DD in her play too (that's if he can get up for it !!)

Ready, please don't try looking for his hidden drink - you know he is drinking it and whatever you find & throw away, he will get more. You have to 'detatch from their alcoholic behaviour' to stop yourself going round the bend. You can always ring the helpline of Al Anon if you still cannot get to a meeting-you need help for you & the kids to survive.

PS. Welcome TTARR (fab name!) - there is always room on here!

PPS. How is everyone else bearing up?

Ooops, crossed posts with you, Atilla! SSX

Bump!

Welcome 12stepmum, TTRB, Mrsmope and walt3rmego, I don't post much these days but I'm very happy to see that Ready has found the detachment link helfpul. Please keep reading, I think it's a good checklist.

Personally, I don't know whether I'm coming or going. I don't actually have anyone actively drinking in my life anymnore but as all of al-anon attenders know, it kinda of stick for a while.. And I haven't been for a while, as if I could cope on my own .

I've met someone and have been taking things very slowly so far. He asked me whether I consider us in a relationship which was very cute of him but as much as I like him I'm nowhere ready to tell him anything about me and how much I've been hurt, and still hurt.

Anyway, well done to all of you SS, Attila, Ready, ML, Ginny & Snowiebear you're very strong under impossible circumstances.
X

Hi everyone and welcome to the new joiners!

Is it me, or is it the season to go downhill for everyone? DH has been drinking for a couple of weeks, absolutely foul over the weekend, very contrite and off the pop last night. Ready - sometimes I read your posts and they could be mine!

I was really looking forward to Christmas for a change, but I don't know right now... He's got time to pick himself up again - honestly, I cannot and will not put any energy into it, but I'm miffed he'll ruin it again for everyone else, especially DS .

SS - I hope your SIL responds to the chemo. Really sad to hear about the "milkshake" incident.

walt3rmego, if I came across as judgmental, please accept my apologies, it certainly was not my intention. You know, those who live in glass house, and all the rest... You'll always find support here, you are definitely on the right thread.

How's everyone?

WDWGFH, gently does it, I guess. I find it quite inspiring, thanks for sharing.

SnowieBear

I thought your H went to rehab?.

Can you remove yourselves completely from him now?. All he's doing now is dragging you and by turn your son down with him. Its sounds as well like you've spent more than enough time on him.

Attila

Attila - too right, but I still have to find it in me. Like abstinence, this is something I know only I can do. Wish me luck, one way or another, DS and I will get through this. He deserves a strong mummy and by God he is getting it. Wish me luck.

Good luck Snowie Bear. Something tells me you're going to need it.

Gosh, Attila, I wish you wouldn't put it like that...

Sorry Snowie please accept my apologies. I can come across as v blunt sometimes. Was not my intention.

I feel for you and your son the most in this situation though. Where do you yourself go from here with regards to your H?.

Attila, no apology required, I know your heart is in the right place. It's just that I am trying to be very strong and self-assured, and the comment winded me a bit.

Where do we go from here? Dunno, definitely not to playing (un)happy families forever more.

Right now, I am concentrating on getting DS and I through to Xmas - we are going away to spend it with my family abroad. DH was included and his ticket has been bought - if on the day he comes, fine. If he doesn't, fine too. Then, there's Xmas to deal with, with or without DH - different challenges, that's going to take some doing whether he is with us or not. After Xmas, different ball game - he will have to go, there's no two ways about it.

I'm practicing detatchment with vigour, as you can see. I desperately sorry that DS will not have his dad in his life and worry a lot as to how this will affect him, but I'm not ignorant as to how destructive growing up with DH drinking can be. The choice is clear, I would fight tigers barehanded for DS, so no chance I'll let him down on this.

Go Snowiebear - you sound so strong and determined.
Keep it up

I have avoided this thread for the past couple of years as I didn't want to think that DH was an addict. I have read a few of the posts and will go back and read the rest.

I have started threads previously and had some good advice.

While drunk H has

Been unfaithful.
Neglected our dc.
Been physically and verbally violent towards me.
Abandoned me and ds in a dark street late at night on holiday. In fact the entire holiday was a right off as he was drunk from beginning to end.
Abandoned me in central London in the middle of the night on a number of occasions.
Ignored family responsibilites many many times due to being drunk or hungover.

I have given him yet another ultimatum recently and he stopped drinking for about a week. I am noticing though that the drinking is creeping back up again. A couple of cans or bottles a night and I know it wont be long before we are right back where we started.

My main confusion is that he is nowhere near as bad as some of the drinkers and other addicts on here. He holds down a responsible job and is a good dad. He does not drink in front of the dc and his drinking does not really affect them. I think though that this is mainly because I do things to protect them from it. I have also changed my own boundaries to prevent myself from being too bothered about it eg if he has had a drink then he can't sleep in the bedroom, if he goes out for a drink I am resigned that he will be out for the night. I avoid nights out with him and friends because I know he will be the drunkest one there. I don't visit his parents with him because him and his father are absolute idiots together and encourage each others drinking. So in those ways I protect myself and the dc from his drinking.

I think that it must be wrong though to have had to make all these changes to accommodate his drinking. I feel a bit guilty about posting here as so many have you have been through so much more. I also feel that I have put up with so much that what is the point of leaving now, when he seems to be improving? Or is the improvement because I have implemented these protective boundaries for me and the kids? I am so confused. My children adore their father. I don't think he is an alcoholic in he strictest sense of the word in that he is not physically dependent but he is an addict in how it negatively affects many areas of his life but he still does it.

Thanks for reading this excessively long thread. These are just a few of the thoughts whirling around in my mind for the past 5 years.

I read what someone wrote about finding drug paraphanalia and I routinely search H's pockets when he comes in from a night out because there is a chance he will have used something while out - he is an occasional user. He will however have also been so drunk that he wont have remembered and there is a chance he would bring drugs back to the house. I think this is wrong that this is a matter of course for me.

He belittles all my concerns. Whenever I say anything about past events it is "but I haven't done that for ages" blah blah blah. Thanks anyone who has made it this far.

Lametta

I note that you write all about him and nothing about your own feelings. Goodness alone knows what all this is doing to your children.

Addictive behaviours can run in families; I note his Father is similar.

What do you want to do and what are you getting out of this relationship now?. You must be getting something out of this mess because you and your kids are still there with him. Let's look at him - the man you call a "good dad" to his children (I note you do not say good husband) - you're with someone who now has a drink problem, is an occasional drug user and has been violent. Some catch NOT. What sort of role model to your children is he?.

You cannot either keep issuing ultimatum after ultimatum; you can only issue one and that's it. You have to stick to it to the letter. If you back down (as you have done previously) then that just lets him carry on as before because he does not take you at all seriously.

He is patently NOT a good Dad if he is neglecting you and your children. He is putting his own selfish needs before theirs and yours. I sometimes think that women actually write that, "well he's a good Dad" to the children when they can themselves think of nothing at all postive to write about their H.

From here on the outside looking in you have not fully managed to protect either you or your children from his destructive behaviours. You have also enabled him too which is very damaging to both of you. Your children too are learning from the two of you; children are very perceptive and they do pick up on all of this no matter how much you try and shield them.

All this is actually doing no-one least of all your children any good at all. Your children when adults (if you continued to stay with him longer term) could well turn around to you and accuse you of putting your H before them. Do you really want them to say that because they bloody well will one day if you keep pussyfooting around him and enabling him, issuing ultimatums that you do not see through. You've had to change your behaviours?! You have been through just as much if not more than other posters here. You've had five years of this, how d'you think the next five are going to pan out?.

I've been very hard on you but if any of that makes you think some more then I have done something positive.

I see also he has been unfaithful to you as well; a deal breaker for many women.

Lametta, all he has done and is doing now is dragging you all down with him. He will destroy you as well as himself.

You cannot help someone like this or fix him; he has to want to do that for himself. He will have to leave you all if you and his children want to be happy. You cannot continue to be his enabler.

If you've had to change your behaviours as well, then who is Lametta now?. A shadow of her own self most likely. What was Lametta like before this man came into her life?.

Welcome, Lametta - you have been very brave to make the first step by sharing on here, but I think the real reason being is because you are almost at your rock bottom.

From an 'old timer' I know where you are coming from with the 'but he really is a good daddy' - when my STBEH has sobered up he is the best daddy that he can be, until he gets drunk again. The compulsion to drink will always come first; before you, the kids, anything else.

You need to step back out and away from the madness that you find yourself living in, before you make any hard and fast decisions. Because whilst you are living in the madness, you will continue to issue fruitless ultimatums and you will continue on the 'merry-go round' called denial. He is living rent free in your head - you in turn are becoming addicted to his behaviours. You need to start detaching from his behaviour.

Of course he isn't as bad as some of the other MN's OH's, they never are. I remember thinking the same when I first posted just over a year ago.

You can make a start by reading the link on detachment (see page 35) but I (and several others) have personally found Al Anon (not to be confused with AA) an absolute life-saver -
Call them 10-4, Mon-Fri. on 020 7403 0888
or email: [email protected] or website address: www.al-anonuk.org.uk

Atilla is right, you need to get yourself back. It isn't all completely hopeless, the help and support is here for you .

SSX

This is my first post, just need to get this off my chest. This morning one of the other mums at school stopped me for a 'little chat' about my partner's drinking. I've just been away (we live abroad) for a family funeral in UK. Get back to hear that partner was way drunk at DS nursery christmas party so this lady and her DH gave my partner and DS a lift home cause my partner too drunk to cycle (and they were scared he'd have an accident with my DS on the child seat). The other mum tells me she's not the only one to notice and other mums have told her about smelling alcohol on my partner when he picks up DS from school. I work full time, he doesn't. I went straight home and told partner this has to stop, I knew he had a problem, just no idea how bad . Sorry for long post.