SUPPORT THREAD FOR THE PARTNERS OF ADDICTS

[lemonstartree]

having read all the posts on princesshobnob's thraet It struck me (prob because I am one of them) how may women are living with addicts/abusive men (does one cause the other etc etc!)

thought maybe we could do with our own support thread.

I have recently kicked out my cannabis head husband. It has been hard, but not as hard as livig with his dope smoking and verbal abuse (to me) and physical abuse of the children.

So much of what other women wrote reasonated with me; the wanting another chance; the lying; the erratic behaviour; the blaming me (you) for their problems; the financial mess; the wanting sex when high - when tbh you hate them and have never wanted it less; the messing with your head until you think its YOU with the problem.

I am a bit further on than some of you - its 2 months since my marriage ended,
but my H says he has now stopped smoking cannabis, he has found a job and starts this week and he is NOW thnking hes 'done enough' to be given a second (read 50TH) chance.
I am expecting trouble whan I make it clear that some thngs cannot be repaired however Sorry you are that they are broken....

Hello everyone,

Was hoping to post before now but it has been horrendously busy @ work (where I usually catch up during a break - bit harder to do so @ home).

Princess, I am sorry that things are so horrible for you. But Atilla is right - actions are needed now. It sounds as though you have hit your rock bottom. You need some good sound advice on what to do first and foremost - once you make that start it will start to get easier for you, please trust me. CA is a good a start as any. Have another read of LST posts - look at what had to be done to achieve what has been achieved....

Knickers, you need to start detatching from his illness and fast - are you getting any help & support for yourself?

So, what has been happening with me?

Well we went to Court last week - it was only a hearing . We go to court 'proper' in April....the list of questions from his side were beyond outrageous. And he has been stringing this along for all it's worth.

The only satisfaction I will have is that whatever he gets from me a proportion will go back to pay off the legal aid he is on (plate spinning mug here is not eligible for L. Aid) - and so we are back together in the house for another 3/12 of this crap.

It is squeezing every ounce of reserve that I have. He managed to scrub up for court (1st time in 3 years that he has had a suit on and managed to shave! And to think he used to wear one daily, be clean and fresh) but it is back to the same old same old now - rots in his pit til mid afternoon, stinking to high heaven, couldn't get out of the house for DD's 5th birthday (that's 2 he has missed), glued to the TV when he does get up but does not take in what he sees (now obsessed with Poirot - it is only because he genuinely does not remember what he has just seen!), leary & drunk, stupid expression on his face, fag ends all over the garden (at least before he used to put them into an ashtray!), going through a loo roll a day.
I'm f...... paying for all of it (bar the fags & drink)!!
Gaaaah - vent over.....

There is light at the end of the tunnel; never have I literally taken it one day at a time. Yes it could be worse....a hell of a lot worse....at least I have a job, a roof over my head, my own bedroom, a healthy DD, still have my mum, his parents (for him to go to).....yeah, always end on a big fat +ve

hi all, not read all 38 pages. first post here. wish i'd found this thread sooner.

i have just left my gambling addict partner last weekend.

i threw him out 2 weeks before xmas with the ultimatum of giving up gambling or loose us for good.

he refused to give it up completely. insisting on still being allowed 1 night a week. i refused this as thats how it starts. everytime i say i've had enough. he would go up to 2 nights. then 3 nights. and before i know it he was going out 5 nights a week till 7am. sleeping for 2 hr and going to work at 9am (with us all on egg shells and trying tokeep 2 dc under 3yo qiet so not to wake him)

myself and the dc are a lot better since move. i still haven't told exdp where house is as he's claimed any house we stay in will also be his house.

he refuses to see the kids without me.so i feel i must go to meet him so the dc dont miss out as they idolise him.

but its only now we're in a calmer and more settled home enviroment i see what dmage i was doing to my dc. they change in them is huge.

soo..... my main reason for posting is to say to all those who stay with an abusive or addict partner for the sake of the dc....

maybe the best thing for your dc is to leave.. and not continue putting you and the whole family in that enviroment. i thought it was only just me who was effected by exdp behaviour. but even dc as young as mine were being effected.

i also must admit i cant imagine how much harder it must be if your children are slightly older and want questions to where daddy has gone. mines just accepted what i told them.they were used to not seeing him for long periods due to work or him being abroad. so they think he's working. i am working up the courage to tell them he's not living with us and explaining to ds that he stays in old house and taking him there to visit (exdp cant collect as dont want him to know address yet)

I haven't seen this thread in while. My DH is an alcoholic and we've just celebrated his second year of being sober. He is in the AA, which has been our lifeline.

I've only gone back a page or two of this thread and some of your stories are so recognisable. If anyone wants to talk about how we got through it, I'm happy to do so.

gonepearshaped very spooky but I'm pretty sure that I posted under a very similar name when DS was born and DH's drinking was at its peak. I had no choice but to be the sole carer of DS, as I distinctly remember DH kneeling on the floor, DS in arms, and DH slowly falling to the floor. Honestly, it was like a parody of drunken behaviour and after that I'd only let him hold him if he was sitting down.

Anyway, I appreciate everyday that we were lucky that DH was ready to admit to being powerless over alcohol, and I'm so grateful to the lovely AA people who came to the house in those early days.

Keep talking here, it really helps.

Lg - despite all the crap that me and others like me are still suffering, it is so lovely to hear of when the alcoholic wants to seek sobriety and that relationships like yours have come through to the other side. I appreciate that it's sure to be a daily battle even now, but it gives so much hope to everyone.

My STBEH actually went to AA (this was after he had been served with divorce papers) twice but he never went back. I hope that one day he will go back again - he has to want that, of course....

Elmo - you have been very brave in taking that 1st step. And right before Xmas...just goes to show that once you hit rock bottom it doesn't matter what else about to happen - birthdays/Xmas/anniversaries - all you know is that you want the madness to stop and the only way you are going to do that is to take action yourself by 'getting off the merry-go-round'.

My 1st appt. with my Sol. was Dec. 10th 2007....(I would say a 'high five' moment - can't you just tell that I have my serenity this weekend as he's away? But you know what I mean )

I'm glad it was good to hear. I remember when DH was going through detox I really valued hearing that people have actually given up and remained sober. It still is hard though, because everytime he acts a bit oddly I assume he is drinking again.

hello

I haven't posted on here before.
I am not posting about a partner, but about DH's brother. he is an alcoholic and it is affecting us all including my children, I just feel a need a bit of support,i hope that's ok.
It has gone on for years and he has abused drugs in the past, but (i believe) just alcohol now. He recently moved back in with his parents, after quitting his high profile, well paid job, I think he jumped before he was pushed in all honesty.
Things came to a head last week, when apprantly he's had a row with their dad (he was drunk) stormed out of the house and rang DH to meet him at the pub. We had a rule of he was not allowed at our house if he'd been drinking, but he claimed he couldn't go back to their parents so he came to ours. He was so drunk he was heavy handed with the kids, snapped at DS1 (4) and ended up knocking DS2 (2) flying and banging his head on a chair. At which point he left and DH couldn't even talk to him. I had disappeared upstairs at this point with the baby (7 weeks).
Since this happened BIL has been to three AA meetings, which I know is great and I should be glad about the fact that he is making and effort (he has been before in the past, but not stuck with it), but he is expecting DH to drive him there every time (he doesn't have a car, but there is a good bus service) and was supposed to have gone last night and DH was willing to take him, but then he asked to be picked up as well, Dh said no, so he didn't go!
Dh's parents have not offered once to take him (they are practically alcoholics themselves which isn't helping), and I think really he is going to have realise that he will have to go by him self eventually.
DH gets home from work at 6 and gets to spend 45 minutes with the kids, before he's going out again to take BIL to his meeting while I am left at home putting 3 kids to bed.
I am still feeling quite 'post natal' having only given birth recently and am feeling upset and teary alot of the time.
On top of this DH's job isn't safe at the moment, and I just feel like we have so much to deal with, but Dh's family seem to expect DH to deal with all their problems.
His mum and dad are away this week, Dh's mum phoned BIL to check he was going to his meeting last night and went mad when he said no, but she had phoned him pissed...what a mess!
If anyone can be bothered to read my ramblings, thankyou, i just need to talk about it I think. I know some of you are in much worse situations.

mabel

Actually your situation is not great either.

I would suggest you talk to Al-anon as they can help and support family members of problem drinkers. You and your DH need some real life support and they can help you both.

Unfortunately I was not altogether surposed to read that his own parents are alcoholic themselves. They have also typically delegated all responsibility to your H; it is not his issue and he is ultimately not responsible for his brother. Your H and you are only responsible for yourselves and your own family unit.

Both your DH and yourself need to set firm ground rules/boundaries now with regards to his brother.

I would not ferry this man around under any circumstances; if he wants to go to AA meetings (and I see he has been before and then dropped it; he will probably do so again) then he has to make his own way there and back. If his brother is being enabled in any way then it just shields him from the consequences of his actions; do not enable him. He should not be met in the pub and or allowed to enter your home. Your children certainly don't need to be witness to all this from him either.

Al-anon's details:-

Call them 10-4, Mon-Fri. on 020 7403 0888
or email: [email protected] or website address: www.al-anonuk.org.uk

Hello Mabel, and welcome to the thread!

Yes, it is great news that BIL has decided to go back to AA meetings - But (and this is a Big But) - he is expecting everyone else (or more expecially your DH) to take the responsibility of getting him there.

He needs to be responsible for getting himself there, and to stop putting his responsibilities onto everyone else.

Don't you see, it is typical manipulative behaviour. If your DH is unable to take him to the meeting then it is your DH's Fault; it gets your BIL nicely off the hook. He will feel guilty for - oohh a nanosecond - and then carry on as usual, getting popped up and blaming everyone else except himself. Then it will be 'if your H took me like I asked then I wouldn't have got drunk instead'. Complete B*!!

His family are all part of the 'merry-go-round' called denial. Please, don't you or your DH be manipulated into getting onto the merry-go-round as well - you have more than enough to be worrying about with your lives at the moment.

You & your DH may find Al Anon helpful; they offer help and support to anyone who is affected by the drinking habits of others. The number is 0207 403 0888.
Or website www.al-anonuk.org.uk

You can always CAT me if you would like more info about it.

Sorry, crossed posts with you there, Atilla! How are you, by the way? SSx

Thanks so much atilla and SS
I can see exactly what you are saying, that's the problem I see it, but DH doesn't.
He feels that for at least the first few weeks he needs to give his support and has said to me, 'if it was your brother you'd do it' and yes I guess I would, but his bro is ultimately selfish, always has been and has always expected other people to clear up his mess.
3 years ago when i was pregnant with DS2 he came to a neighbours BBQ with us, got V drunk and ended up laying in to DH. I cmae down stairs, 8 months pg to find him on top of DH.
It took him 3 months to apologise to me and that was only because DH had asked him to.

He has asked to come here tonight and DH has said yes, as I am out at college, however I am not entirely comfortable with it, even though he knows if he so much as sniffs a drink he will be made to leave. But I feel guilty about saying to DH i don't want him here, when I can see he is making an effort to go to AA.
Just the thought of seeing him before i go off to college makes me feel anxious.
Thanks again for your support

Mabel

You are far more perceptive to the situation than your H is. I am afraid your DH is going to have to wake up to the realities of what is happening with regards to his brother's ongoing alcoholism. It will hit your H hard.

Please contact AL-anon and arrange for them to send the leaflets they have to you. Your H needs to read them. You also need real life support.

Your H is enabling his brother, he may think he is being supportive here but enabling is not the way to go. It is not fair on you or the children either. Your H, much as he loves his brother is only enabling his brother, enabling only shields that person from the consequences of their actions. His parents have also enabled this man. His brother is quite happy to have everyone running around after him; selfishness and alcoholism go together as well.

Also it is grossly unfair of your parents to expect their other son (i.e your husband) to carry the burden of his brother. They're in denial too; alcoholism and denial go hand in hand with each other.

After what happened last time to your children I am horrified to read that his brother is now being given another opportunity to enter your home. His brother was also drunk before he even set foot in your home. What if his brother kicks off in front of them, you have no guarantee that this will not happen.

Your H needs to take your feelings into account as well, his primary loyalty should now be to you and the children. You are uncomfortable understandably about his brother entering your home. They should not have to witness their drunken uncle.

This man also dropped out from AA last time; he will likely do so again; he does not seem very committed. However, neither of you should or can be at fault if he decides to drop out from AA. He made a conscious choice here.

As for any guilt you may feel it is misplaced. Guilt is a useless emotion.

Hi Mabel,

re your comment:-

H has said to me, 'if it was your brother you'd do it"

Not for long you wouldn't, not if you want to keep your sanity. Infact I would not actually help him (his brother) at all but then again I know from bitter experience that enabling does not work.

His brother will bleed you both dry if you do not set proper boundaries.

Attilla.
This is what I am worried about, in fact I am very worried about my DH, he has so much on his plate right now, not just his brother, but his job security, his parents who constantly put upon him and we have a new baby, I think it is all too much for him, well for both of us really.
I think you are right that DH has not really accepted what is happening here.

BIL asked to come to ours on saturday night, and I say absolutely not, DH accepted this as he can see how it is affecting me, and told his brother not to.
However, as you say our children are our priority and I have real issues with him spending time with them at the moment, he has been sober for 7 days, i'm afraid that is not long enough for me.
I think i will take youradvice and send for the AA leaflets for DH to read. He may take more notice of them, than if it comes from me.
Thanks so much.

Mabel - echo Atilla....Your DH so wants to believe his B but unfortunately your BIL has seen an opening through his B, and once he is across your threshold that will be it. Alcoholics will seek out a strong dependable type or the doormat type - and once they are in that is it. Your H will unwittingly become his enabler.

Sorry to be 'doom & gloom' but your DH cannot save your BIL. He will think that he can - we all thought we could - but only he can save himself. We have all found out the hard way. Please please help yourselves to stop yourselves getting on the 'roundabout'.

Mabel - Attila and SS are right. The best you can do for your DH is to educate him so he cannot be easily manipulated by his brother. It's so tricky, but we have all learned from bitter experience that it is not in our gift to change things by being loving and kind, it's not a normal situation, it's a situation where you have to realise you hold no cards, therefore the sooner you decide there's no point in playing, the better.

Good luck, Mabel, keep protecting your family and don't let him spoil your relationship with your DH - he obviously has his heart in the right place, he now needs to know how to effectively help, i.e. stop enabling his brother.

How's everyone? Princess, how are things going? Things for us have gone from bad to stupidly awful since Xmas, I'm too puffed out to dig myself out of the hole, just very sad and in an bad place.

"Things for us have gone from bad to stupidly awful since Xmas, I'm too puffed out to dig myself out of the hole, just very sad and in an bad place".

Am very sorry to read the above SnowieBear.

Don't grow flowers in that hole though, find the strength within you to dig yourself out of the hole that you're in. Its not your fault. Do you have much real life support, you could certainly do with that now.

Hi Snowie
What happened over Xmas? I thought that you were going abroad? Now you are back you need to start making some decisions - you need to start this new year as you mean to go on....

What help are you getting for yourself? What are your options? You have to dig yourself out of that hole.....You Can get yourself out. You and your DC deserve so much more.

Please start to be proactive, not reactive.

SSX

ElmoandElla I'd like to hear more about your situation. I know someone who is facing having to leave her gambler dh.

I assume yours has refused to go to GA?

We did go away for Xmas... didn't work from the off. After two days, he left and went into hiding with other relations. Flew back to the UK on Xmas Eve, so effectively left DS and I to deal with the fall out and heartbreak of three families. DS was feeling abandonded and unloved. I just din't want to find him back home upon our return, but there he still is.

My mum returned with me to help me with DS and shield me. Some evenings have been terrifying with the bullying and threats, other times just immensely sad. DH is in very poor shape, eating erratically if at all, booze getting to his brain, incontinent quite regularly - I'm getting no respite at work, or at home, cannot see a way out.

My entreaties to separate are not really working. I stupidly put the house on both names and although he has never contributed a single penny towards mortgage, bills or upkeep, now he wants to have me for half of everything if I force the point of us going our separate ways. You are going to think I'm stupid, but I will not have it. It's not bricks to me - it's sweat and tears and lots of hard work, I cannot let it go.

His parents are going through their own kind of denial and all I can now cope with is making sure my job is safe and trying to sort out arrangements for DS so I can send my mum back to her place, so I know she's safe and not seeing all this mess unravel first hand.

I wish I could just curl up under a duvet somewhere and never have to emerge again. I hate waking up in the mornings.

Snowiebear,

You are having a truly dreadful time.

There is always a way out, never think otherwise.

Have you sought proper legal advice re separation?. Would he really be entitled to half?. He has also not contributed a penny.

I realise the property is indeed representative of all your hard work and toil but your son, not just to say your own self are far more important than bricks and mortar when all is said and done.

Look at it this way as well. It may be also that this house will ultimately hold too many bad memories for you to want to keep it. A new property may also represent a fresh start for you and your son. You've both seen more than enough, particularly your son.

Attila, SS - thanks for the advice and encouragement, it's much appreciated, honestly.

No, I have yet to seek legal advice. On the face of it, because I am so busy running just to keep still that I haven't found it possible, but in reality, probably because I'm too scared I won't like what I'll hear - I've never been a coward, so I'm sure I'll get round to it sooner rather than later. I've somehow lost my own balance and I have to regain this in order to do all that must be done.

Re: house - this is non-negotiable. I know from the outside it may look stupid, but I find it difficult to explain why it is so important.

I'm forcing myself to work to 'milestones' and detach as much as possible - it's so hard righ now! Arrangements for DS to free up my mum to go back home are first, I cannot risk her being here if things go nuclear because I've been to the solicitors .

Last night DH was all sweetness & light - it doesn't change anything, but at least I didn't end up in bed with my heart racing after a good row. Still, woke up feeling more tired than when I went to bed... roll on the weekend...

snowiebear - thanks for advice. I don't know your history, but I hope you manage to find the strength to get through everything.

This week Dh's bro has been for a job interview and has continued with his meetings. He has an open meeting next week which he has asked DH to attend with him. DH thinks their parents shold attend as well, but doesn't think they would go, he thinks it would be too close to home. I have said, his brother really ought to ask them and not make assumptions, it might help.
DH has also negotiated with his mum to help out taking his brother to his meetings for the next 2 weeks and then he is on his own.
I think this is positive, but we will see.
I on the other hand have just been feeling increasingly anxious and down with everything thats happened. I am starting to worry i might be getting a bt of PND, I have never suffered with it before, but it's not normal to feel how I do most of the time. I am snapping at my boys and just feel a bit hopeless. I need to pull myself together, but I feel like running away.

Snowie - you need help to back away from his behaviour. Have you rung Al Anon? You need to have space away from the madness at home before you get yourself in a better space to be seeing solicitors etc. You are far too upset and churned up to make any sense of what is happening - you can get 1/2 hrs free advice from a family law solicitor but you have to feel better and stronger to make use of that advice, otherwise it will be wasted.

Though I can tell you that you will not be turfed out of your house as there is a duty of care to the DC's. They won't force you to sell so that your H gets the money now - they will suggest a cashback when the DC's are 18. With the credit crunch, there is no point in forcing a sale as everyone will lose out.

Mabel - it is good news about your BIL getting an interview and continuing with his meetings.

I don't really understand about PND, but I do understand where some of this anxiety may be coming from.

I expect you are worrying about what will happen after the 2/52 when BIL is on his own....will he continue with the meetings if he is having to take responsibility for getting there? Will he get that job and more importantly, will he keep it?

And snapping at the DC's - could that be because you really want to snap at your H, his BIL & his family for what they are 'allowing' (and enabling) to happen?

I can honestly say that I am guilty of doing that - I try not to but I am only human. Whenever DD is playing up - and she knows exactly what buttons to press when I am tired & frazzled!! - I do get angry with her ; usually when I have had disturbed sleep after & immediately before having to work another 10 hr shift....DD gets really tired and ratty herself when she has been up during the night so the stage is set no matter how much I try to be calm. STBEH meanwhile, is snoring in his pit, oblivious to it all .

Hello everyone, Christmas appears to have been a pretty s**t time for all of us really. I'm so sorry to hear how dreadful the behaviour of some has become,

Good news about your BIL Mabel, I really hope for your families sake he starts to pull his socks up. PND is not good on top of everything, and for me the best descision [sorry, sp?] was to go onto ad's at the first hint, because I knew how pnd affects me, and it was the best thing for me. How is your hv or gp? Would you be able to have a chat without going into deep detail if you didn't want to?

Snowie, look into how you stand, as a stable roof for yourslf and your ds is what matters. Have you also tried womens aid? they are good at knowing how you stand, esp if he kicks off and you are feeling in danger.

The snoring in their pits god I can relate to that this is the second night this year where I am home instead of being out because of his drinking. tonight should have been a nice birthday meal for two.... nope, mug of coffee on the sofa will do.

Does anyone else find their oh's snores vibrate through the whole house? no? just me with a rhino snoring away there then.

wishing everone a peaceful and safe week xx

Ready, SS - thanks for all your advice and links. You are both quite right, I need to find my balance before I move things on... As Al Anon is not an option (too far away, in the evenings, cannot leave DS with DH...), I've been reading this over and over. Now it's quiet at work, I'm going to print a little booklet to carry with me - DIY emotional rescue!

SS - thanks for the legal info, it's made me feel better, but also quite sad when I think DH will not probably live to see DS' 18th birthday at this rate.

Ready - do I understand correctly? Is it your birthday you've spent on the sofa with a coffee? Honestly... I hope you made a wish and hope it comes true for you, you deserve it! Re: snoring - DS still shares a room with us, and when father & child have colds, I get them in stereo.

Mabel, how are things? The link above will be helpful to you and your DH.

I hope everyone keeps well and strong.