SUPPORT THREAD FOR THE PARTNERS OF ADDICTS

[lemonstartree]

having read all the posts on princesshobnob's thraet It struck me (prob because I am one of them) how may women are living with addicts/abusive men (does one cause the other etc etc!)

thought maybe we could do with our own support thread.

I have recently kicked out my cannabis head husband. It has been hard, but not as hard as livig with his dope smoking and verbal abuse (to me) and physical abuse of the children.

So much of what other women wrote reasonated with me; the wanting another chance; the lying; the erratic behaviour; the blaming me (you) for their problems; the financial mess; the wanting sex when high - when tbh you hate them and have never wanted it less; the messing with your head until you think its YOU with the problem.

I am a bit further on than some of you - its 2 months since my marriage ended,
but my H says he has now stopped smoking cannabis, he has found a job and starts this week and he is NOW thnking hes 'done enough' to be given a second (read 50TH) chance.
I am expecting trouble whan I make it clear that some thngs cannot be repaired however Sorry you are that they are broken....

That's good WDWGFH - the first Christmas on your own will be tough but it will be nice to spend it with family.]
How is everyone else? Snowiebear how did the rehab go?
SS you sound stronger and stronger everytime you post on here.

Hi ladies,

A month tomorrow and still dry! Whilst the treatment was just 'same old, same old', his attitude has been completely different, I am truly amazed

For starters, this time he has really been afraid of failing and has not taken anything for granted. He's been reading Allan Carr a lot, and keeps referring back to it - we've had the book around for ages and he has never bothered, but he made a bee line for it when he came back home from the centre. He's been taking disulfiram regularly too, mainly for my benefit, so that I can "relax" knowing no drinking will take place.

His mates have been supportive and reassuring, everyone is telling him how much better he is this way and providing him with positive comments - obviously a) they are good mates and b) me shouting at them in the past must have scared them to death!

This month has been massively hectic, but everything seems to be slowly righting itself in my life... I am quietly happy and hopeful for the future - I know it's not going to be an easy ride, but the fundamental differences I'm seeing as to how he is approaching the whole affair cannot be denied. He is somehow 'reprogramming' the way he is thinking about alcohol, and he is choosing his own therapy - reading, talking to me, talking to close friends. And he isn't doing it in the typical alcoholic self-centred way - of course it is about him and his addition, but the navelgazing has stopped.

Still... one day at a time. Today, we are happy and well. We'll try for more of the same tomorrow.

How about you all? Mickeylou - great news, well done. WDWGFH, France will be wonderful, I hope you and your DS have the superb Xmas you deserve. SS - nearly there, you'll see Xmas through, we are here if you need support. Ginny - thanks for thinking of all of us.

Hi there, after all my postive words above i am having a bit of a shaky week this week.

i have got that terrible feeling that dh is drinking again. something is just not quite right. he hasnt been noticeably pissed and i havent found any bottles, receipts etc (although i have looked)but just picked up on a smell a couple of times and temper been quite bad. he gets very antagonistic when he's started again.

i would say he's at that stage where he's drinking enough to make him seem odd to me but not enough for me to know for certain. thing is ive had this feeling before and each time i've been proven right.

of course i have asked him whether he is drinking again (by that read i accused him, oops probably not the best idea) but he denies it. but he always does. the lies take over when he is drinking.

not sure whether to just sit back and wait til he is obviously drunk or pick ds up and go now. he hasnt done anything to warrant me asking him to leave but i can see it coming.

sorry for saying there is light at the end of the tunnel only to backtrack very rapidly!!what a fraud i am!! just feeling very very disappointed, especially since everything seemed to be on the up. feel like i have lost him all over again.

also if an alcoholic says to you that there are only two important things in his life

1. his sobriety.
2. his son

is it normal to be offended??

my gut reaction is well if i'm not important enough to be on the list why have i been putting up with all your crap!

sorry for the rant! cant you tell i'm back!!

Yes, it is perfectly normal to be offended, but which bit offends you the most - the fact that it's his sobriety & then his son or is it that you don't feature on the list?

Their sobriety has to come first - that is a given.

Are you going to Al Anon? You need to get some Al Anon under your belt so you can learn how to NOT react to whatever his behaviour throws at you....as soon as you react he will go and drink 'cos you have given him the perfect excuse! We become as sick as they are without knowing it....

It is also a given that most alcoholics will still be drinking on and off when they start on the AA programme .

Thanks for your thoughts ladies....I may need your help big time soon because I have just found out that my sis-in-laws breast cancer is back with a vengeance....in her spine & pelvis. She has only had 8 years after a radical mastectomy....and will find out what, if anything, they can offer her on the 18th Nov.

Of course, shocking news like that does put everything into perspective. OK, I have been through shit, but there is light at the end (somewhere!) of this particular tunnel - there isn't for her.

So, I am trying to keep my chin up and try not to focus on just the bad. Never have I so needed my Al Anon books as now - it is true that they have really helped with this latest bomshell.

But I'm sure I will need to vent at some stage....I'm only human, after all!

hi ss, sorry to hear about your sister in law. you are right it does put things in perspective but i cant help thinking it also sends a message of "is life too short to put up with all the crap that living with an addict brings?"

i was offended i wasnt on the list at all.

i do understand that sobriety comes first before everything, even ds, but at the same time its hard to swallow when being preached by someone you think is drinking again and is et to screw your life up again.things really did seem to be back on track. business doing well, planning second child etc.

hey ho, i am determined to sit back, and do nothing. if he isnt drinking then marvellous but if he is i realise my reacting only gives him more of an excuse to drink.

i am not sure there is an alanon group here. should i just google it?

You can ring the General Service Office on 0207 3789910 (10am to 4pm), email on [email protected] or go to the general website www.al-anonuk.org.uk

Please please give yourself some time & space, and try to live one day at a time - try not to plan or project into the future especially at the moment.

You are certainly right about the 'life is too short' bit - I so know that I am doing the right thing thanks to Al Anon but also because of what is happening with my sis-in-law.

Hi, i'm new to mumsnet, both al-anon and possibly coda can offer a lot of support to anyone whose partner is an addict/alcoholic, i have more than 6 years recovery myself...reading all the posts here has been very moving. love and light to all affected by this issue xx

Hi 12stepmum, welcome!! Any help/support would be gratefully received by all of us, thanks you! I'm only 2 years but am a work in progress (with a capital P).

One day, when I have time, I will look back and re-read this thread from the start....

Don't know if this is appropriate but just feel the need to get this off my chest as I have never spoken to anyone about how I feel. I was with my ex husband for 10 years who had a drug problem and was manipulating and abusive and kept giving him chance after chance. Unfortunately he died of a drug overdose and after the initial shock of his death wore off after a couple of weeks, I felt a sense of elation and relief that I was free of him. How could I feel this way about a man who I loved for 10 years, 10 years on and although I think about him often I still don't feel that sad about his death and feel guilty for this. Am I just a cold bitch or has anyone else ever felt this way?

Hello, mrsmope that doesn't sound odd or wrong, it sounds like a massive relief, after years of hell and anguish, after everything you were put through. with addicts, we can love them but not love their behaviour.

and hi secretquirrel! nice to know we're not alone here

Bump!

Hi there - can I get some non judgemental support please?

OK - here goes.

My OH uses cocaine recreationally. I knew this when I met him and we talked about it long and hard before getting together as a couple. He knew I wouldn't be able to live with a heavy user and I knew he would never stop completely. He now only uses coke a few times a year almost always pre-arranged on a night out. I always know when he is planning one of these nights out.

I have never used coke but I have in the past been in plenty of situations where other people were around me. He knows I will never be happy to be in a situation where other peope are doing lines of coke in front of me and so I don't go with him on these nights out.

My problem is that on the one hand I always want plenty of advance notice, on the other because I get this notice I spend the week or sometimes two weeks leading up to these nights out getting incredibly anxious about it. If I try to talk to him about my anxieties we inevitably end up arguing and I get upset. I have tried really hard to work my way through this anxiety but as these times approach I just can't stop thinking about what is coming up. I become withdrawn, negative and upset and I just don't know how I can stop these feelings of dread. He can't reassure me that he will not die and I can't stop myself from thinking the worst.

Anyone else in a similasituation?

You write you talked about it long and hard initially; did you really?. Words are cheap and he likely promised much. It sounds like he's using the fact that you knew of his dependency initially as a stick to beat you with now because you cannot now say that you were unaware of his drug addiction.

Why did you get involved with an addict, they love their addiction first and foremost. Okay we cannot help whom we fall in love with Anything and anyone else to the addict comes a dim and distance second.

Perhaps you subconciously thought that your love for him could somehow save or rescue him from cocaine addiction. Furthermore you may have thought that you could show him that you can have a nice life without using cocaine. Your love would be enough to see this through.

Rescuing and being a saviour in a relationship does not work. What is your actual role in this relationship, what are you getting out of this relationship?. Your needs are clearly not being met here and he is putting cocaine before you. He will continue to do so.

BTW how long have you been together?.

Love should not be such hard work honestly; he is dragging you also down with him. You are unhappy and he with his cocaine dependency is the cause of your unhappiness.

Have you thought about ending the relationship altogether or does a part of you think it can stil somehow be salvaged?.

He may not ever break free but you can walk away. You are ultimately only responsible for your own self.

Attila - it's a shame you are the only one to have responded and that you haven't read my post properly. You use words like addict and dependancy while I asked for non-judgemental advice.

I haven't thought about ending the relationship, I am going to marry him, we are trying for children

Yes - we did talk long and hard about it and we have talked long and hard about it since. Infact he has made massive changes in his life, I would be scared to post them here now for fear of being judged, but he has.

I didn't fall in love with an addict, I fell in love with someone for many reasons who kust happens to be a recreational drug user like many many other people. There is a difference.

I do not want to rescue him from his addiction and I know that he will always have days (nights out) where drugs will be taken. I have taken various drugs myself and there's nothing to say I won't do again.

I have a particular issue with coke though and it scares me. It is only hard work on those few occassions that he plans a night like this.

We have been together just over 2 years but have known eachother longer.

Really I just needed some help with my anxiety.

Att

walt3rmego, I think it is natural to feel conflicted about it. You care about him and worry that something may go horribly wrong.

However, from what you say, you kind of "struck a deal" that you now feel you cannot keep without feeling very upset. If things are as you describe them with him, I think you need to work to keep you side of the bargain and, if you feel you can't, be honest with him for both your sakes and call it a day.

You obviously love one another if you are making plans for marriage and a family together - make sure your foundations are strong, especially when you are thinking about having kids.

You are wise to be scared of cocaine. Do you know why and how he got into this in the first place?. What are his reasons for using; it just dulls any pain but won't make it go away. He needs to face up to his own reality and get clean. But you cannot do that for him and I think you realise that.

You stopped taking drugs thankfully - he has not and likely won't anytime soon. Not whilst you're still there.

Its bad enough you being upset re his ongoing drug habit (what is the longest period of time he has gone without it?) as it is; for any children you have to be potentially witness to all this as well..

It all seems very one sided; you're worried sick about him and you're doing all the legwork in the relationship. What's he doing exactly to reassure you?. He plans his nights out and you end up arguing with each other. He still wants his cocaine god alone knows what other crap is actually in it and what he is spending on it) and will put that before everything else including you.

If nothing else I hope I make you think some more.

Snowiebear's words are wise; I do think you need some straight talking though and I don't sugar coat anything. Ongoing cocaine addiction is not pretty to witness. It wreaks lives.

I realise you don't have children yet but why should they be potentially witness to all these problems?. Will he be a "good Dad"; will he want to take care of them or leave it primarily to you. Will he still want to go out and use cocaine post your wedding and or starting a family?. After all he is also mixing socially with people who also use.

He is playing with his health here, does he actually realise what risks he is taking every time he uses?. It does not matter how infrequently he does use - cocaine dependency can occur two weeks after the first usage.

Maybe I am in the wrong thread. I apologise. The kind of support I am looking for is not assumptions that the best thing for me or him is for me to leave.

Why did he start taking drugs recreationall? Why does anyone. I don't think it's fair to say that all users af drugs are numbing some pain.

As far as I am aware he started taking various drugs recreationally as a teen/young adult.

Since we got together he has stopped selling and using coke, he used to use it on a weekly basis - he now uses it 4 - 6 times a year as part of a night out.

I have struck a bargain I guess. He gets to have his kind of 'fun' a few times a year so long as I know when it is and where it will be. I still worry though and I guess I always will do.

He will be a good dad.
He is a good person.
he loves me very much and will talk to me about my anxieties.
Any children we have will not witness his drug use as it never takes place in our home.

I wanted a bit of support for my anxiety but didn't realise that this thread was about telling people to leave their husbands and partners.

sorry.

He should be giving you support and reassuing you re your understandable anxiety but whatever he is doing is clearly not enough to placate you and your fears. What he is doing is no "fun" either for him or you. He's kidding himself. What's he like the next day after using?. Bet he is no fun at all to be around.

So its your choice ultimately - he has made his position clear. Your anxiety, understandable that it is, is only one facet of the wider problem.

You want a family and children - great. The "bargain" you struck is not - he still wants to keep using. What happens if you are at home with your child who is sick on a night when he's planning to go out on a drug binge?. Will he still go?.

You did walk into this with your eyes open and this fact he will use to hit you with every time you bring up your anxiety.

Have you considered talking to a drugs helpling or charity; they have likely seen this type of scenario before. Its not shaming at all to ask for help; infact I admire you for posting here in the first place because not everyone would. I think you've been very brave actually.

He should be giving you support and reassuing you re your understandable anxiety but whatever he is doing is clearly not enough to placate you and your fears. What he is doing is no "fun" either for him or you. He's kidding himself. What's he like the next day after using?. Bet he is no fun at all to be around.

So its your choice ultimately - he has made his position clear. Your anxiety, understandable that it is, is only one facet of the wider problem.

You want a family and children - great. The "bargain" you struck is not - he still wants to keep using. What happens if you are at home with your child who is sick on a night when he's planning to go out on a drug binge?. Will he still go?.

You did walk into this with your eyes open and this fact he will use to hit you with every time you bring up your anxiety.

Have you considered talking to a drugs helpling or charity; they have likely seen this type of scenario before. Its not shaming at all to ask for help; infact I admire you for posting here in the first place because not everyone would. I think you've been very brave actually.

I think most important thing here is that you are anxious, you are unhappy and you have concerns about his health. In a healthy, supportive relationship, it is normal to talk about these feelings, whatever their causes, and work together for a solution that works for both of you.

Is it the case that you don't feel you can talk to him - maybe ask yourself why you are fearful or feel like your opinion is not respected or valid? You are entitled to change your feelings about things over time, to find things that used to be ok not acceptable any longer. Or is it the case that you do talk to him but he doesn't have sufficient interest in respecting your feelings?

It might help to be specific with him about why you don't like it - health,
behaviour afterwards, money (at at least fifty quid a night its not exactly cheap!)lack of respect for your feelings.

Its interesting that you are so adamant that he is not an addict yet you posted on a thread specifically for partners of addicts! Try co-anon - its like al-anon and for the partners of cocaine users. They will know EXACTLY how you feel.

My DH does the same as yours a few times a year and I hate it, when we met we both used together but I am a recovering addict now, but he is not an addict, just a casual, occasional user. I am VERY specific with him about how his using affects me and our family. The dishonestys, the behaviour, the health, the money. It at least means I have my stuff out in the open and not suppressed. On balance I chose to be with him for all of him, no one is all good or all bad and I'm sorry if you feel judged here by my post or any other posts.

Sorry if I came over as being defensive and miserable. I am probably on the wrong thread I know

All I know is I want to be with him, I would much prefer he didn't use coke even occassionally. Stupidly and Hypocritically I don't have issues with people smoking weed or taking pills so long as they don't do it all the time. I have more of a problem with heavy drinking than that.

I really am able to talk to him and he doesn't throw in my face the fact that i knew about this, just as I don't throw in his face teh fact that he knew I had a problem with it.

I suppose what I need to do is find a way to work through my anxieties. Rationally I accept that the way I behave is often out of order, but I can't stop myself and it is me who ends up causing a row.

Thanks for the advice and Attila sorry if I was a bit defensive.

The thing is, your anxiety is justified, but you talk as if its unjustified. if you are set on allowing your husband to do this when he wants and see it as your problem to adjust, then go away for a few days, go stay with your girlfriends, see it as a positive opportunity to have some you time. let your actions speak louder than your words.

other drugs/booze - very mixed messages are coming out. you can change rooms on the titanic but the ship still goes down....