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Original poster

He isn't in love with me yet

169 replies

movele · 09/12/2020 16:52

I've been dating a lovely guy for the last 4 months. Both 30s. Things have been going well - we've been on holiday together, are on the same wavelength about everything, can stay talking nonsense for hours, sex is great, and we both really enjoy our time together. We had the bf/gf conversation 2 months in. I've met his parents and friends too.

We did have a few weeks of minor arguments because we had very different schedules at the time, and spending time together, and dealing with restrictions/lockdown was a challenge. But resolved these quickly and have gotten closer and more connected since.

A few weeks ago, I told him I loved him. And he said he liked and cared for me deeply, but didn't have those feelings yet. But saw the possibility of it turning to love in the future. Obviously I was upset, but he explained that to him love is an absolute - if he fell in love, that was him committing to always love me. And he never understood people who fell in love, then fell out of love. He also said, that he can't remember the last time he told his parents he loved them, though he is very close to them.

As background - he has never had a serious relationship before, (I'm his first), or been in love (though he has had a few crushes, if i can call it that). This is mainly because he did a lot of travelling and had a major career change so not a lot of time for dating. He is also not from an affectionate or emotionally expressive family, though he is close to them, and very affectionate with me. I, however, have had a few long term/live in type relationships, and come from a VERY affectionate and emotional family.

I asked him why he was with me then - and he said he could see a future, and loved spending time with me, fancied me, and am one of the only people he is comfortable opening up to.

To not drip feed: one of the only issues we have, related to our intial arguments. When we are not together (Which is 4-5 days a week), he isn't very communicative by text, and would never call. Will always reply though. He has gotten better after I've told him I need to not feel like he's forgotten me when I'm not around. So he will now ocassionally call (I told him specifically I wanted this) and does text more. But not sure if this is related to him not being in love with me?

Since then, I haven't brought it up again, or said it. He has been making more effort to be more attentive since then. I do love him, and understand that people move at different paces, and 4 months is not long. However, every relationship I've had my bf has said it first, about 2 months in. And I've heard that men know pretty quickly if they love you or not.

So I don't know how long I should wait till he says it? Or whether it's a bad sign that he doesn't reciprocate my feelings? I do feel quite insecure about this, as the more time we spend, the more deeply I fall but am always conscious he may never reciprocate.

Can anyone advice me on what to do, or if they've had a situation where their feelings weren't reciprocated till much later?

OP posts:
AllTheThingsHeSaid · 09/12/2020 16:58

I think he sound sensible and honest and nice. He didn't lie. I admire him for that. It's v. early to be having the love/bf-gf conversation too, so give him a chance.
The only thing I'd find weird is that he hasn't been in a serious relationship before. That feels significant. I wonder if his exes would agree that their relationship wasn't serious?

BlackForestCake · 09/12/2020 16:58

God, give the guy a bit of time. It's only been four months.

gannett · 09/12/2020 16:59

I don't think there's a problem. Four months really isn't very long, especially not for people who are careful with declaring their emotions like your boyfriend.

Four months in I didn't know what I felt about my DP and would have hesitated to use the word "love" - because it would have been such a massive step for me. (I am not really emotionally expressive at all.) We've been together 11 years and my love for him has only grown. If I'm being honest it was about three years in before I had the sudden realisation that, oh shit, this is what love is! I hadn't really known before.

And I've heard that men know pretty quickly if they love you or not.

Careful of thinking like this. "Men" don't do X or Y. Some men do. Some men don't. Some women do. Some women don't. Etc.

His honesty with you about his feelings is a good sign.

Bluntness100 · 09/12/2020 17:01

How many men have you told you’re in love with op? It does seem you’re very quick to jump and call it love, when likely it’s just infatuation.

I think he’s being sensible, I’m sorry.

SilverBirchWithout · 09/12/2020 17:01

I do think the ‘I love you’ phrase means different things to different people. He sounds like someone who thinks deeply about things, and is less likely to say the phrase impulsively and then change his mind later.
The question is whether emotionally you are not the same type of people, or comparable.
My DH is much less emotionally impulsive than me, and I sometimes wish he was more expressive and ‘romantic’ in gestures. However he is emotionally trust-worthy, and in my opinion very romantic expressive men can be a bit flaky and let you down.

Original poster
movele · 09/12/2020 17:02

Thank you for that!

His longest relationship before me was 6 months (2 years before me) but he said they didn't spend much time together as they worked opposing shifts. So never introduced her to friends or parents. And she ended it because of this reason.

He is a workaholic (in emergency services) and said his schedule has always been a problem with gfs - so they never progressed. But he met me when he was ready to be more commited to someone and made the effort to cut back his hours.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 09/12/2020 17:05

Op. The men you told you loved or they loved you after two months

Where are they now? Are they still in love with you? And you them?

You don’t tell someone you love them as a way to secure a relationship and consider it serious.

Original poster
movele · 09/12/2020 17:08

@Bluntness100 This is the first time I've ever said it first. I wasn't intending to, it just came out suddenly after we'd had a nice day together. But yes, I do probably attach less weight to the words than maybe I should!

OP posts:
Pumpertrumper · 09/12/2020 17:09

Are you dating my DH Hmm

Because I could have written your exact and I mean EXACT post about 2.5 years ago.
I was kinda opposite to him. Had been in multiple serious relationship, wore my feelings on my sleeve...etc but he was very genuine and didn’t set any alarm bells going. I knew ‘love’ for him was an absolute and he’d never felt or said it with someone before.

I told him that’s fine. I was still gonna tell him I loved him because I did but I didn’t mind at all that he didn’t say it back. Maybe one day he would.

So we carried on like that until about 6/7 months in, went on holiday, I got the shits and my period and cried because I was feeling sorry for myself and THAT was the moment he chose to declare his undying love for me. Yup Grin

We are married now with a baby and another on the way. Good luck.

innercitysumo · 09/12/2020 17:11

My Dh told me he loved me first, I didn't say it back until I did.

I share the same thoughts as this man. To me being in love is huge. When I told him
I loved him, I also told him I think I'd be with him forever. We were only 17 - we are now 29, with two children and a happy loving marriage. I married my best friend and I regret nothing.

Maybe he's like me - just later in life? You're his first real relationship. There's nothing wrong with being cautious. Please don't push him - he will be ready when he's ready.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/12/2020 17:12

You need to back off or he's going to do a runner. Far too intense far too soon, and you seem a bit desperate, honestly. The issues with texting and calling, telling him you feel "forgotten." Blimey. If I were him I would be seeing red flags. It's only been 4 months!

carnations23 · 09/12/2020 17:17

If he has never had anything serious before he has nothing to know what love feels like.

My DH was my first relationship and I remember being asked by people if I loved him and I had no idea! Took a long while to tell him I love you, possibly a couple of years but I do love him and probably had for a long time before I told him .

Suckmyfatone · 09/12/2020 17:17

You've dated 4 months. Only see him a couple of days a week, you had minor arguments for a few weeks and a few weeks ago (some after 3 months of dating?), you told him you loved him!

No wonder he is being cautious.

He sounds sensible to me.

He's said he sees a future with you, fancies you, enjoys spending time with you, can open up to you. Isn't that enough for a new relationship that's had teething problems?

PerveenMistry · 09/12/2020 17:18

@BlackForestCake

God, give the guy a bit of time. It's only been four months.

If I could advise him I'd say "Run like hell!"

A mere 16 weeks in and she's already dictating his communication level & frequency, and complaining about being ignored if he's not in daily contact? Argh.

Original poster
movele · 09/12/2020 17:21

@Aquamarine1029
4 months is long enough to be in more regular contact when we can only see each other at the weekend. Not sure it's at all healthy to be dating someone who doesn't text/contact you at all during the week. You have very low expectations of men if you expect any less.

You can't progress anything without regular contact. And in my late 30s I'm not planning on wasting years on someone who can't send a 'How are you?' text during the day. It's basic communication. Fortunately, he agrees, and admits he's getting used to thinking of another person in his life.

OP posts:
Deadringer · 09/12/2020 17:23

I think he sounds sensible too. He wants to make sure he has genuine lasting feelings for you before he tells you he loves you. I think you sound a bit needy tbh. Back off a bit and if he is the one you will both know in time.

Original poster
movele · 09/12/2020 17:25

@PerveenMistry If a man can have sex with me, enjoy time with me, and partake in my hospitality, he can pick up the phone during the week and call me to ask about my day. He's not some prize I need to win. I've NEVER had that be an issue before with men I've dated - it's what happens when you're genuinely interested in a person. Luckily, he gets this completely.

OP posts:
butterpuffed · 09/12/2020 17:26

I wouldn't want a man to text me if it was because I told him to.

firstimemamma · 09/12/2020 17:26

We didn't say it until 6 months and that was nearly 6 years ago.

DianaT1969 · 09/12/2020 17:33

"We did have a few weeks of minor arguments". Within a 4 month period. The honeymoon period shouldn be fun. And I'm guessing it's rather strained right now since you said the big words.
Be prepared for this to go either way OP.

PerveenMistry · 09/12/2020 17:33

[quote movele]@PerveenMistry If a man can have sex with me, enjoy time with me, and partake in my hospitality, he can pick up the phone during the week and call me to ask about my day. He's not some prize I need to win. I've NEVER had that be an issue before with men I've dated - it's what happens when you're genuinely interested in a person. Luckily, he gets this completely.[/quote]
Sorry but I'm not so needy. And if you know he's only contacting you because you complained, what's the point?

Desperation is seldom attractive in the long run, once the novelty of dependable sex wears off.

Bunnymumy · 09/12/2020 17:34

I wouldnt use the L word before a year even if I felt it. Tbh, at 4 months in you don't love him because you dont really know him. He sounds sensible.

PerveenMistry · 09/12/2020 17:34

@butterpuffed

I wouldn't want a man to text me if it was because I told him to.

Exactly.

20shadesofgreen · 09/12/2020 17:44

@PerveenMistry If a man can have sex with me, enjoy time with me, and partake in my hospitality, he can pick up the phone during the week and call me to ask about my day. He's not some prize I need to win. I've NEVER had that be an issue before with men I've dated - it's what happens when you're genuinely interested in a person. Luckily, he gets this completely

^greay self esteem OP genuinely lovely to see and I agree with every word. I hope your feelings are reciprocated in the near future. It sounds to me he is a lucky guy. Flowers

Original poster
movele · 09/12/2020 17:45

@PerveenMistry Am I you? No. Do I have the same expectations you do of a relationship? No. So do I care if you're not so needy? No.

Frankly, you sound bitter and jealous if you think communicating with someone on the level of contact you would like, is 'desperation'. It's called COMMUNICATION. That adult way of having relationships. And I'd be daft to not let him know - just let it fester and cause arguments? He has never had a relationship before, ergo he does need some guidance from me on what I like/want. Why on earth would I expect him to read my mind??

To posters who actually have advice on how to deal with someone not reciprocating your feelings, thank you.

OP posts: