He isn't in love with me yet

[movele]

I've been dating a lovely guy for the last 4 months. Both 30s. Things have been going well - we've been on holiday together, are on the same wavelength about everything, can stay talking nonsense for hours, sex is great, and we both really enjoy our time together. We had the bf/gf conversation 2 months in. I've met his parents and friends too.

We did have a few weeks of minor arguments because we had very different schedules at the time, and spending time together, and dealing with restrictions/lockdown was a challenge. But resolved these quickly and have gotten closer and more connected since.

A few weeks ago, I told him I loved him. And he said he liked and cared for me deeply, but didn't have those feelings yet. But saw the possibility of it turning to love in the future. Obviously I was upset, but he explained that to him love is an absolute - if he fell in love, that was him committing to always love me. And he never understood people who fell in love, then fell out of love. He also said, that he can't remember the last time he told his parents he loved them, though he is very close to them.

As background - he has never had a serious relationship before, (I'm his first), or been in love (though he has had a few crushes, if i can call it that). This is mainly because he did a lot of travelling and had a major career change so not a lot of time for dating. He is also not from an affectionate or emotionally expressive family, though he is close to them, and very affectionate with me. I, however, have had a few long term/live in type relationships, and come from a VERY affectionate and emotional family.

I asked him why he was with me then - and he said he could see a future, and loved spending time with me, fancied me, and am one of the only people he is comfortable opening up to.

To not drip feed: one of the only issues we have, related to our intial arguments. When we are not together (Which is 4-5 days a week), he isn't very communicative by text, and would never call. Will always reply though. He has gotten better after I've told him I need to not feel like he's forgotten me when I'm not around. So he will now ocassionally call (I told him specifically I wanted this) and does text more. But not sure if this is related to him not being in love with me?

Since then, I haven't brought it up again, or said it. He has been making more effort to be more attentive since then. I do love him, and understand that people move at different paces, and 4 months is not long. However, every relationship I've had my bf has said it first, about 2 months in. And I've heard that men know pretty quickly if they love you or not.

So I don't know how long I should wait till he says it? Or whether it's a bad sign that he doesn't reciprocate my feelings? I do feel quite insecure about this, as the more time we spend, the more deeply I fall but am always conscious he may never reciprocate.

Can anyone advice me on what to do, or if they've had a situation where their feelings weren't reciprocated till much later?

I absolutely do not want to change anyone, but I have my needs and if they aren't being met there is no point carrying on.

I think this is a really important point - true as it is, it's good to take a step back and see that it's always preferable to be with someone who naturally meets your needs.

For example I do like to be with someone who finds it easy to tell me in words how they feel about me. Now even with exes who I told this to and then they started doing it as they were conscious I liked it, i was aware they were having to make an effort to do it and it wasn't natural so it sort of felt forced.

Being with someone now who is very open about how he feels about me is totally different and lovely. Because I haven't had to encourage or train him, for want of a better term, we are just much more compatible.

I think if words of affirmation and frequent communication are important to you, the only relationship that will stand up to the challenges of parenthood etc will be one where you naturally meet each other's needs without having to consciously try to change fundamental stuff like verbal affection and communication.

Gosh op. It’s like you’ve your fingers in your ears ans are singing lalala I can’t hear you.

I didn’t ask how many men did you say it to first. I asked how many men have you told you love them ans where are they now?

Telling someone you love them isn’t currency. It’s not to be traded as a way to ensure they are serious about you and put your relationship on a secure feeling.

It’s only been four months and you’re wanting him to declare his love. Four months. If it finished tomorrow you’d be upset, brush yourself off ans move on. It’s nothing.

If you’re 37 how old is he? That he’s never had a relationship more than six months? And why at 37 with previous relationships under the belt do you not under stand that someone saying they love you doesn’t actually make any difference unless they mean it.

And no one means it after two months. Or even four.

I knew my dh loved me well before he told me because of the way he treated me. An ex told me he loved me within less than a month. He did not. DH left work and came to see me unexpectedly and said he had to leave work to come and tell me he loved me. We've been together for nearly 25 years and married for 21.

Chill.

BTW. I knew after two months and dh told me at five...

You can't force him to be something he's not, or make him say something he doesn't mean. That's not what love is.

I think you should end it for both of your sakes.

OP 4 months is VERY early to be saying you love someone for lots of people. Whether he loves you or not, he may not be ready to say it, especially as you've moved so quickly together and he's under pressure to say it back. Give him space and try not to be so needy! If you take away the few weeks of arguing you've happily been seeing each other what, 3 months? Some people go 6 months without deciding they're together together. Don't expect him to fall madly in love with you immediately. And get a grip!

I'd be more worried that he thinks that love is this hugely final thing - that saying he loves you means he is committing to always love you. And not being able to understand how people can fall out of love/stop loving eachother.

I think he has an overly-idealised idea of what love is, and will never find it. How can he possibly know that he will love a person forever? Any person? Is he psychic?

@Bluntness100 Ah here we go, you ray of sunshine.

Did you miss the part where I said we cycled across the length of the UK together over 11 days? Just us. Do you understand how much you learn about a person when you go through a challenge like that. I had to shit in bushes in front of the man, we had to deal with the fear of being stuck in some cold, dark, miserable places miles from civilisation where he comforted me and never once got cross, he cheered me up on days I wanted to give up, he massaged my legs every night to help me sleep. Not a single argument, not a single day where we got bored of each others company.

Frankly, I don't know how I wasn't going to fall in love with him. He's the best, calmest, kindest, funniest man I've ever met. Back home, I see him around animals, and children and the kindness and warmth he excudes. I've seen him with friends, I've seen him after a day at work he's seen unspeakable horrors, and still stays positive. He has a great work ethic, is honest, reliable and actually communicates with me. Frankly, he's amazing!

Which is why I'm with him, despite worrying he may never love me. So no, I don't care when he says it, and obviously want him to mean it (where have I said I don't?). I worry that he may NEVER feel it. And wonder how long before I accept it may just never happen. So I don't get completely devastated.

I have been married before. So I know what love is - that marriage didn't work out because he went through a horrific tragedy at the end , which changed him a lot, and decided he didn't want to be tied down, and have kids. But we had some fantastic years while it lasted. He actually told me he loved me 2 months in, and meant it. Because even now I know he cares for, and looks out for me.

That answer your question?

He’s not going to tell you he loves you until he’s ready to commit to spending the rest of his life with you. To him, that’s what love is. I’d give it another 8 months. If he’s not ready to commit by then, then he’s not likely to do so. He sounds genuine and sincere, though I’d be more worried about him not having a relationship for longer than 6 months in his late 30s. Yes, emergency services timetables are unpredictable, but I bet most of his colleagues of a similar age are, or have been, in long term relationships, unless he’s James Bond. Shift work and being on call usually isn’t a deal breaker for many people.

I think love can mean different things to different people. I know people who can say they love their friends. I have friends but I can't say I've ever felt I loved them.
With your bf , could you not perhaps see how he gauges love as a very precious thing. If he tells you he has grown to love you they you know he loves /cards for you deeply. I'd see that as an honour. If you feel he is ' the one ' then why not just go with the flow and see where is goes .

Looks like I’m in a complete minority but I think there’s a few red flags.

He’s in his 30’s and never had a proper relationship. I know you said he’s travelled, but i would wonder why he’s not had one.

He can’t remember when he last told his parents he loves them.
He’s not from an emotive family. He sounds a bit cold.

He’s admitted getting used to thinking of another person in his life. I wonder if he’s set in his singular way.

Of course on the flip side he could just be measured and cautious, in which case you’re probably going to scare him off with your eagerness.

Good luck 💐

To posters who actually only agree with me, thank you

Fixed that for you.

The rest of us injecting a dose of reality can all fuck off. He does sound a great guy. But the pressure to feel something he doesn't and to text to schedule will have him running away and that will be good for both of you. Petty arguments in four months don't augur well for a long, strong relationship.

My partner of five years once told me he didnt love me "yet", took him 10 months and now he says he knew very early on but was scared by it.
Maybe he is bull shitting but its nice to believe lol

@Bluntness100 Ah here we go, you ray of sunshine

.

Dp in his mind is very serious about saying the phrase I love you. He has only ever said it two people at 37 and his mum. Interestingly the first was when he was 19 and it was the reason he was so careful afterwards because he realised after it all ended horribly that he hadn't felt real long term deep love (I do gently remind him that few people have that feeling at 19 but hey ho).

Very early when we got together he used the phrase that he was falling in love with me. When he finally said it for him it was like writing on stone. That's it now. He is very confused but the concept of falling out of love , for him its practically an oath. When he told me he loved me that was a huge thing for him. As far as he was concerned we were attached until the end or I decided I didn't want to be.

He had several relationships that he didn't say it in. It didnt mean he didn't care about them deeply , he did , it's just that in his mind that phrase is for a commitment.

Now he will absolutely say he was in love with me very quickly so when he was saying that he was falling ,he was already there but needed to make the commitment.

I am more pragmatic having watched my marriage fall apart. It's not that I think less of love but I am aware that there are 5372583 things that can impact it. DP commitment to the word is nice to be honest. When he tells me he loves me , he absolutely means it and I know that.

He may just be like that. I admire your self esteem and your boundaries. Its irrelevant if other people don't like them. If that's your bottom line in terms of boundary then good for you for holding to it.

I'm 41 and I am clear about what I want in a relationship,it doesn't mean the other person has to do any of those things but I does mean I would not bother continuing the relationship and I have no problem with that. Fair play to you.

I posted shortly before @Bluntness100 but you chose to react to that poster very defensively and in an accusatory tone. It does therefore feel like you don't want to hear opinions outside your own, even when they are measured and from personal experience like mine. Your prerogative but not hugely helpful to you as people agreeing with you might feel nice but you were concerned enough about an issue to post.

Not saying @Bluntness100's post wasn't measured, just to clarify!

@OllyBJolly So confused. Why would I want to stay with a man who considered my need for communciation, 'needy'? As amazing as he may be, my needs don't matter less. So if he genuinely thought that way, he knows where the hills are.

Also, where are people getting that I'm chasing him to say he loves me. We had ONE conversation to discuss it, and I've clearly stated I've never brought it up since. He's carried on being lovely. Where have I said I'm pressuring him? Why do people project so much on these forums? But I'm OBVIOUSLY worried he may not reciprocate, ever, hence me posting for advice.

I have thanked everyone encouraging me to not be insecure and give him time/space. Giving me stories where it wasn't a problem and feelings were reciprocated eventually. I have taken offence to anyone who thinks I'm needy because neither he nor I, nor anyone I've ever dated has thought that of me. And if standards are so low, that asking a man to stay in contact regularly is 'needy', then that's your problem, not mine. At 37, my self esteem is high enough to know what I deserve.

I’m with @thegrassisgreenwhereyouwaterit, to be honest, but I think you have to do what feels right for you.

I worry that he may NEVER feel it.

And I think that’s a valid concern. I know people on both sides of this conundrum who expected it to happen, and wait 18 months only to realise that it hasn’t.

You mentioned you were going to use a sperm donor before, and that you’re in your late 30s. Have you chatted to him about kids? About whether you proceed with him, or alone?

You’ll have to step carefully but to be honest, I think he should be expecting the conversation, given your ages and that you’ve presumably shared with him that you want kids.

Four months is nothing no matter how long you have spent together! I'd be grateful he was taking the time and being honest!

After only 4 months (and most of those during Covid), I would not be concerned that he is not telling you he loves you.

Does he act like he loves you: is he kind and caring when you’re together? Does he put you first, make you laugh, listen to you and comfort you when you’re unhappy? Often actions speak louder than words, and it is still very early days.

However, every relationship I've had my bf has said it first, about 2 months in

And how's that goin' for ya?

@youvegottenminuteslynn Did you read Bluntness's post? It was rude, insulting and condescending. Assuming I'm some idiot woman who doesn't know the real meaning of love and uses it to secure a relationship. Really?

What specifically in my posts indicated what was my view of love? And what advice am I expected to take from her post?

@YoureNotOnTheList Well I have an exH who is still a friend, and looks out for me and checks in. So reckon I'm doing ok.

And I now have a bf who likes and cares for me, so clearly I must be doing something right.

Eh what now! No it wasn’t. Calm your self down for gods sake. 😱😞

I'm not sure. It could go either way. He may be thinking too seriously about things and being cautious because 4 months is not a long time. However, I think it's long enough to know how you feel about someone and I'd wonder if he knows he isn't feeling how he hoped he would. The early days of a relationship is when it's exciting and you can't wait to see each other and if in years to come you look back and realise that you didn't actually love someone 4 months in, at the time you feel as though you did because of the " buzz" it gives you.