He isn't in love with me yet

[movele]

I've been dating a lovely guy for the last 4 months. Both 30s. Things have been going well - we've been on holiday together, are on the same wavelength about everything, can stay talking nonsense for hours, sex is great, and we both really enjoy our time together. We had the bf/gf conversation 2 months in. I've met his parents and friends too.

We did have a few weeks of minor arguments because we had very different schedules at the time, and spending time together, and dealing with restrictions/lockdown was a challenge. But resolved these quickly and have gotten closer and more connected since.

A few weeks ago, I told him I loved him. And he said he liked and cared for me deeply, but didn't have those feelings yet. But saw the possibility of it turning to love in the future. Obviously I was upset, but he explained that to him love is an absolute - if he fell in love, that was him committing to always love me. And he never understood people who fell in love, then fell out of love. He also said, that he can't remember the last time he told his parents he loved them, though he is very close to them.

As background - he has never had a serious relationship before, (I'm his first), or been in love (though he has had a few crushes, if i can call it that). This is mainly because he did a lot of travelling and had a major career change so not a lot of time for dating. He is also not from an affectionate or emotionally expressive family, though he is close to them, and very affectionate with me. I, however, have had a few long term/live in type relationships, and come from a VERY affectionate and emotional family.

I asked him why he was with me then - and he said he could see a future, and loved spending time with me, fancied me, and am one of the only people he is comfortable opening up to.

To not drip feed: one of the only issues we have, related to our intial arguments. When we are not together (Which is 4-5 days a week), he isn't very communicative by text, and would never call. Will always reply though. He has gotten better after I've told him I need to not feel like he's forgotten me when I'm not around. So he will now ocassionally call (I told him specifically I wanted this) and does text more. But not sure if this is related to him not being in love with me?

Since then, I haven't brought it up again, or said it. He has been making more effort to be more attentive since then. I do love him, and understand that people move at different paces, and 4 months is not long. However, every relationship I've had my bf has said it first, about 2 months in. And I've heard that men know pretty quickly if they love you or not.

So I don't know how long I should wait till he says it? Or whether it's a bad sign that he doesn't reciprocate my feelings? I do feel quite insecure about this, as the more time we spend, the more deeply I fall but am always conscious he may never reciprocate.

Can anyone advice me on what to do, or if they've had a situation where their feelings weren't reciprocated till much later?

@secretrugbyfan your response sums up why I always like to get a male opinion on things too. You have given a very good logical and measured response for the OP with none of this judgement or goading she’s had from other posters.

OP, if being in love with him doesn't stop you from ending the relationship if you decide to, then the same goes for him. Once he makes that leap and declares his love, what will be the next demand? Marriage, children? And you'll be back here again if he's not in exactly the same place as you. It sounds emotionally exhausting.

OP, I think you are getting an awful time here. Your boundaries and needs are absolutely your own, and you are quite entitled to them. They sound very similar to mine! (And if I am a needy fucker, well, so be it - man better deal with it if he wants to be with me and enjoy all the things I offer!)

My most recent ex would never say he loved me (in fact would make an active point of telling me he didn’t love me), was shit at communication when we were apart (ignoring texts all day even though he knew this upset me, etc etc). And guess what - it totally did my head in, made me feel like second best and that I had to change myself to be worthy of him (it became very insidious after a while) and then after two years he dumped me horribly, rendering me homeless. Because, I suppose, he didn’t love me.

My lovely new boyfriend, I told him I loved him after 3 months (because I do - that is enough time to know, for me), he said it back, says it quite often in fact and other lovely things, texts me loads (and if he can’t for any reason, like he is gonna be on his bike or something, will alert me to this fact). And therefore I feel HAPPY and SECURE in this relationship.

If this makes me a dysfunctional neurotic (as my ex would say I was), I’ll live with that. (My counsellor says I’m normal. I suspect you are too, OP).

Once again, genuinely confused:

I love a man and told him so and then haven't brought it up again and he's clearly happy to carry on - how is this putting undue pressure or railroading?

I need more regular communication and he has been happy to do so and this isn't an issue anymore - how is this being needy?

I do rate myself enough to have tough conversations with men I'm dating, again something he likes and admires - why is this so offensive to posters?

The only thing I've learnt from this thread that there's a number of you who understand your needs and don't mind working with a partner to find compromises. Something to be expected when you're both late 30s and set in your ways.

And a number of you who think assertive women are due a put down and he's some poor, naive man who's being pushed into a relationship. How incredibly condescending to think he can't make his own mind up. Or that I need to change my behaviour to keep him. If we are incompatible we are, nothing I say or do will change that. Atm we aren't.

And to everyone who has been rude and insulting, genuinely not sure what your problem is. And why you think I won't respond and defend myself. Fortunately you're a small % on this thread, and in real life.

I won't be returning to the thread again. My life isn't MN so I get to pick and choose the advice I listen to. Like I get to pick and choose the type of relationships I have. It's called having agency.

Once again, thank you to everyone who's been helpful without resorting to tired gender stereotypes of how women should behave in relationships.

Also interesting is how I put this up on a Northern European forum (my home country) and not one person noted the 'needy' or 'desperate' point. It was a much broader conversation on what love means to different people, whether it's more important to have a partner exactly like you or one who will compromise, how to find compromise, and how to manage disparity in feelings at any point in a relationship.

It was considered completely normal to communicate to your partner on what you want and work to find compromises. It wasn't even considered something to comment on. So maybe this is a cultural difference. Either way it has been very interesting.

Are you Finnish perchance?

Hmmm I’m inclined to go against the grain here.

My big thing would be no past long term relationships. Not sure how old he is, but if in his 30’s this is a big thing. I wouldn’t have even got myself into a relationship with someone like this.

You’re in the honeymoon stage. He should be wanting to see you and text you all the time. You aren’t just a second thought.

The L word. Well, he’s not going to get carried away for anyone is he? Yes he’s probably level headed, but in my limited experience, men often declare first. Always within 5 months or so. I don’t fall in love easily at all. So l know properly when it hits. He doesn’t appear to fall in love at all. In his 30’s. You can carry on waiting for him to declare, but he might not. He might not be able to fall in love at all based on his history.

You’ve opened up and made yourself vulnerable to him? What’s he doing to support this? Apart from not being capable of texting you unless you ask him to.

Cake and eating it is what springs to mind. Can you be bothered to keep hanging on? This sounds like incompatibility to me.

The moment you said I'll give it til the spring that is game over as far as I'm concerned.
It's an ultimatum you're putting on yourself
If you were happy, content and in a fulfilling relationship you wouldn't be giving yourself time stamps or ultimatums because you'd be with someone on the same timeframe...which I believe (others may not agree) is vital for a happy relationship.

I didn't read all the posts but from your response I wouldn't think you're needy at all. You seem very switched on and sensible.
I do feel if you were happy with this guy and his reactions to emotions you wouldn't need help on a forum. I think deep down you are very unhappy and know this guy isn't going to give your what you need and deserve.
Maybe he needs someone who takes it much slower and holds back.
It just means you're not compatible.

So inten

@ChristmasFluff and @YoniAndGuy This is what my friend warned me about actually. That he might have a version of love that is so idealised it's impossible to reach. Because I don't have an example of when he has been in love before, it's hard to know how achievable it is for him. Like I definitely, don't understand how he thinks it will last forever...

The reason he thinks it must last forever and is totally black and white is because he is immature in this area of life and has no experience. That might iron out ok, but it's perhaps less likely to do so when the owner of said inexperienced outlook is quick to declaim that he 'just can't understand why!' and almost seems proud of his uncompromising stance. I'd be more reassured about this guy on paper if he had the self-awareness to be a bit more 'Well, I don't feel as if I'm in love yet, I never have been, maybe this is how it feels, I'm giving it more time but I'm really into you' etc etc.

Put it this way, I'd understand a 22-year old coming out with that kind of 'It's all or nothing for me!' drama-drama pronouncement, I'm a LOT more cynical about a man in his 30s coming out with it.

Guys say less and don't waffle. I must send 5 texts to every reply I get off my DP. Worrying about this won't make him like you more, you'll sound needy. He will fall in love with you if it's right for him whether he texts you or not. It doesn't mean your not on his mind, it mean he's a man. They communicate differently.

They say fake it until you make it, so be less bothered about the texting and see how it goes. Everyone is different. If you want to text, give him some updates, "I had a great workout at the gym" type things. "I've started this amazing book called living your best life." If he's interested he'll like to hear what your up to. If he's not he won't care, but it's not "why aren't you replying, do you still like me" needy stuff. Enjoy your time without him too.

If you want to text, give him some updates, "I had a great workout at the gym" type things. "I've started this amazing book called living your best life."

If someone I was dating sent me texts about their gym workouts and how a book called 'Living Your Best Life' was 'amazing', I would think it was some kind of cry for help.

@PerveenMistry
If I could advise him I'd say "Run like hell!"
A mere 16 weeks in and she's already dictating his communication level & frequency, and complaining about being ignored if he's not in daily contact? Argh.*

I have to agree with the above. It comes across as incredibly controlling.
I understand you may feel vulnerable , having confessed how you feel, but I am sure you dont want him to say it just because he felt it would shut you up and not because he actually felt it.
I think he has been remarkable respectful and honest in his response. He cant feel what he doesn't feel.
Your need for speed (due to your age) maybe a factor for you but it shouldn't be for him.
The other challenges you have had seem to be resolving themselves and he seems to be making more effort, and I think thats how relationships should be.
Finally I was working out how many times you have seen each other 2/3 days a weeks for 4 months would be about 26 days and that doesn't seem to be a long time to really know someone ( including fitting all they cycling you say you do) or put pressure on someone to say they love you.

Really interesting posts here. Op, you sound like you want reassurances, that he will one day say he loves you. I hope you get this. I love my partner but I've never said it to him. I think he would probably come back with the same response you got too! I have friends who say the L word should be exchanged by now, and others where it took a year but are now getting married. My partner is also slow to text but I'm coming to terms with it just being his nature and not really glued to his phone when he has work piling up. I think maybe try and enjoy the time you are actually together and get to know him more. It's hard not to want assurances, I get it totally.

I was with someone similar to the man you've described. After 18 months, when I knew him properly, I told him I loved him. At no point did I expect him to say it back. He never told me he loved me but I didn't need the words, his actions spoke volumes.

Hi OP, I really feel for you and I think it sounds tough.

I dont necessarily think him not saying I love you back is a big deal - my now husband didn't say it back to me when I told him at 4 months, it took another 3. But I get why you're upset.

The contact thing is shit in my opinion - now and then it's ok but not all the time.

I dont know - it seems to me that you have some doubts about the relationship. I said to my bf when we'd been together for a few months- look, dont mess me around because I'm in my 30s and it's not cool. My gut told me he was a keeper anyway and his response (basically if I don't see a future then we'll split) was reassuring.

Dont know what the answer is but feel like you're getting a bit of a pasting on here and I see it from your point of view.

Either way, you'll be fine xx

I don’t think the issue is the love you it’s likely more the lack of communication during the week. I don’t need to be calling and texting all the time but I think it’s good to check in a little bit when you’re apart, especially at the beginning. Otherwise you feel put in a box.

Also always be wary of people with bloody idealised love. I’m only talking from my experiences but they always seem to be the ones that leave for greener grass and regret it. Sorry op venting a bit.

He deserves a bit of leeway re texting as he's in the emergency services!
With a job that is THIS stressful and absorbing (and probably relentless with tiny breaks) , you can't compaer him to someone with a laid-back job or who works with little social contact so isn't 'spent' socially.
But the fact that he's responded and has upped his game, shows that he really cares. Agree that he needs more time and it's absolutely fine!