He isn't in love with me yet

[movele]

I've been dating a lovely guy for the last 4 months. Both 30s. Things have been going well - we've been on holiday together, are on the same wavelength about everything, can stay talking nonsense for hours, sex is great, and we both really enjoy our time together. We had the bf/gf conversation 2 months in. I've met his parents and friends too.

We did have a few weeks of minor arguments because we had very different schedules at the time, and spending time together, and dealing with restrictions/lockdown was a challenge. But resolved these quickly and have gotten closer and more connected since.

A few weeks ago, I told him I loved him. And he said he liked and cared for me deeply, but didn't have those feelings yet. But saw the possibility of it turning to love in the future. Obviously I was upset, but he explained that to him love is an absolute - if he fell in love, that was him committing to always love me. And he never understood people who fell in love, then fell out of love. He also said, that he can't remember the last time he told his parents he loved them, though he is very close to them.

As background - he has never had a serious relationship before, (I'm his first), or been in love (though he has had a few crushes, if i can call it that). This is mainly because he did a lot of travelling and had a major career change so not a lot of time for dating. He is also not from an affectionate or emotionally expressive family, though he is close to them, and very affectionate with me. I, however, have had a few long term/live in type relationships, and come from a VERY affectionate and emotional family.

I asked him why he was with me then - and he said he could see a future, and loved spending time with me, fancied me, and am one of the only people he is comfortable opening up to.

To not drip feed: one of the only issues we have, related to our intial arguments. When we are not together (Which is 4-5 days a week), he isn't very communicative by text, and would never call. Will always reply though. He has gotten better after I've told him I need to not feel like he's forgotten me when I'm not around. So he will now ocassionally call (I told him specifically I wanted this) and does text more. But not sure if this is related to him not being in love with me?

Since then, I haven't brought it up again, or said it. He has been making more effort to be more attentive since then. I do love him, and understand that people move at different paces, and 4 months is not long. However, every relationship I've had my bf has said it first, about 2 months in. And I've heard that men know pretty quickly if they love you or not.

So I don't know how long I should wait till he says it? Or whether it's a bad sign that he doesn't reciprocate my feelings? I do feel quite insecure about this, as the more time we spend, the more deeply I fall but am always conscious he may never reciprocate.

Can anyone advice me on what to do, or if they've had a situation where their feelings weren't reciprocated till much later?

You really need to slow down.

People fall into love at different paces, you can't be questioning his entire relationship with you just because he hasn't fallen for you yet, after just four months.

I would so much rather someone tells me they love me and mean it, however long that takes.

I must admit, you sound very needy. You will scare him away if you keep acting like this.

@Bluntness100

How many men have you told you’re in love with op? It does seem you’re very quick to jump and call it love, when likely it’s just infatuation.

I think he’s being sensible, I’m sorry.

Exactly this.

OP, having sex with him has prematurely bonded you to him (it's the consequence of sex related hormones, especially for women) but you don't actually know him properly at all after 4 months. It's why I wouldn't have sex with someone anyway in that circumstance.

Also for some people, "love" is simply chemistry, lust and infatuation which is all that it is for you otherwise you wouldn't have said it so soon.

From experience, such people are often the type to "fall out of love" quickly and they're usually much less able to commit and come through difficult times than people who actually "love" in the true sense of the word.

To be honest, even with the love question aside, the two of you don't actually seem that compatible. I'm with you in that I would expect someone who I'm seriously dating to be in contact more often than he is and I'm certainly not a needy person. To be honest whether or not he sees you as a long term prospect, he's treating you as a object of convenience who he can have sex with and talk to completely when it suits him. This is the honeymoon stage of a relationship and it will only get worse!

Personally, I feel that if someone wants to communicate with me, I shouldn’t have to ask them to. It’s just something you naturally do because they’re on your mind. This is from your husband/boyfriend, your mother, your best friend. It just happens organically.

However, I have zero patience and I would be unable to wait for someone to tell me they loved me. My husband and I were engaged within a week (true story) and we’ve weathered 15 years together. I knew I loved him before I even met him if that makes sense.

OP, how many men have you said 'I love you' to?
I have said it to one man in a romantic / relationship sense. One. And it took me about 9 months to say it.
The thing is, I meant it. That was me saying I was completely committed to the relationship. To me those words are not cheap and bring a world of meaning with them that requires thought and care.
If you have said it to numerous men, who are now all in your past, maybe you struggle to understand those of us who take that commitment, and the promise implied in those three words, deeply seriously.
Hopefully you have found yourself a good one, OP. Give him (and yourself) time to develop your relationship. Enjoy the journey, and if/when those three words are spoken, you will know what it means to him.

I think there are a number of signs that he’s not a good match for you.

Workaholic
No previous long relationships.
Stated view that being in love / expressing that means permanence. (V different from your view - and mine!)
Not wanting/offering you anywhere near as much time and contact as you would like in a relationship.

I knew I loved him before I even met him if that makes sense

Err, no it really doesn't.

OP I'm not sure what you want exactly, would you rather he said I love you and not mean it just because you want to hear it?
The first time my husband told me he loved me I said 'thank you'. I didn't love him at that point and didn't want to say it just for the sake of it, that isn't right and surely you know that.

Tbh, some of the responses I'm getting here are baffling.... The man has a drawer in my flat, I have his spare key, we've cycled the length of the UK together, we've discussed children as I'm 37 and don't have unlimited time (he gets this). I'm not asking if I'm needy as I absolutely do not think I am. And my bf would laugh at this notion.

I have asked how to deal when one person (me) has stronger feelings than the other (bf)? Am I supposed to wait 6 months, 1 year, 2 years, 3 years to then be told "Sorry, my feelings haven't evolved, bye!"? Or wait for him to meet someone he does fall head over heels in while I'm patiently waiting? I'm asking whether relationships have survived the disparity in feelings and how that has worked out.

Sorry op, I can tell you're not happy with this, but he's done absolutely nothing wrong.

4 months really isn't very long. It sounds like you're being quite pushy, which could push him away. You can't hurry someone into loving you. Rushing someone isn't very attractive.

We've now been together 10 years and it was about 9 months before either of us talked about love.

I think there is a difference of not having those feelings yet to being sensible and waiting for the right time to say even though you secretly feel it and not every love lasts doesn't mean it's not true.

He's saying he doesn't have those feelings yet, at least he's honest but be careful that might mean never.

It's just words I think. What is love anyway? If you are happy spending time together then I don't think saying a particular set of words really matters. I think if your are generally happy you need to let it go.

I do get that it's hurtful. Happened to me too! Still with him fifteen years and two children later - he still has never said it though. Well maybe once or twice but definitely not in the last ten years 😀

However - given what you've said about children etc then I think it's reasonable that you can't wait forever for him to be on the same page. So I think you need to be prepared to move on at some point if he doesn't get there.

[quote movele]@PerveenMistry If a man can have sex with me, enjoy time with me, and partake in my hospitality, he can pick up the phone during the week and call me to ask about my day. He's not some prize I need to win. I've NEVER had that be an issue before with men I've dated - it's what happens when you're genuinely interested in a person. Luckily, he gets this completely.[/quote]
You sound great, OP. Fab to see a woman who knows what she deserves!

As for the whole "I love you" situation, I wouldn't worry about it just yet. Some people are more cautious than others and as it's his first serious relationship, he's probably just getting to grips with his feelings. However, I would say don't wait forever for him. I had a friend who went out with a guy for two years who wouldn't say he loved her!

That sounds like me and DH. I had fallen for him around 3 months after we started dating (but I'd already known him for a year so he wasn't a stranger) but it took him a while longer. He told me he loves me around at around the 8 month folder.

I never put a time limit on it...we just started a relationship normally and let it progress naturally. I never told him I had fallen for him until much later because I didn't want to add pressure and make us this crazy in love couple so soon. It was very natural for the both of us and it simply took him longer than me.

Don't pressure him. Don't put a timetable to it. And it is certainly not true that men know quickly. In fact, in my experience and that of my friends, men are usually slower than women!

8 month mark, not folder!

@Pumpertrumper thank you! this has really made me feel a lot better. xx

@Scarby9 and @MsHedgehog This makes a lot of sense! And you are right. Saying it when you mean it, is a lot more powerful than just throwing it about. Thank you

You want DC and are 37: do you really want a DC with a workaholic who’s offering v little time/contact?

I think the more you worry about it and nag him about saying, the less likely it will happen. Sure, asking for more communication is okay, but you do need to accept that you can't change people. You've either got to accept their faults, or not. My partner goes abroad for work for a week or two, about twice a year. We text each other good night most days, but don't usually call or chat that much. We're both happy with that. I find people who get on at me for 'not being communicative enough' exhausting and they are usually dropped quickly.

Hard as it is, I think if you are the slightly needier person, then YOU need to keep it up. Tell him you appreciate it when he does call, model the behaviour you want, but don't be surprised if he is getting more and more frustrated with you.

Please just let him own his own feelings! You love him - great. But that doesn’t mean he has to love you, and stop putting silly timescales on it. Enjoy your life together, let feelings grow naturally and see where things take you.

@dozer Tbh, this does worry me.... We have talked about it and he is showing efforts to adapt his schedule so he's around more. But it is something I'm a little wary of as his job really is unpredictable. The only reason I've not walked away is because I was considering going down the sperm donor route anyway (before I met him) so was expecting to do this alone. So am open to adapting a bit to keep him in my life, as when he's around he's very handy/attentive.

@movele

I fully understand you want it to be going somewhere, but give it time. Men who are inexperienced in relationships, like DH was, sometimes need more time and patience. Not hand holding and pressure, just time for them to develop their feelings and confidence to say their feelings at their own pace. Even when DH told me he loves me for the first time, it was a whisper that I wasn't sure I heard properly and when I asked him about it a couple days later, he changed the subject. It took him another month to actually say it to my face. Now he tells me all the time.

Listen to your gut about this.

I’m trying to think when we said I love you to each other, and it was many months after we met. We’ve been married 20 years. Some people are just more reserved, cautious possibly guarded with their feelings. I wouldn’t worry about it.

@Ijustreallywantacat Tbf, he knows regular communication (like a text a day at least) is important to me, and he also knows I was ready to walk if this wasn't going to happen. I absolutely do not want to change anyone, but I have my needs and if they aren't being met there is no point carrying on. There's plenty of men out there who would communicate more. He has massively increased the contact since that chat and had commented that it's just not something he'd had to think of before. But enjoys it now. He just never had a gf to call before!

Also, since me telling him I loved him, it's not been brought up again and I don't plan to. I'm aware it has to happen in his own time. But I do need to plan an eventual deadline, if by which point he doesn't love me, I need to consider leaving to find someone who will. As much as I love him, I will not forego my chance to have a child. But I think he's worth as much time as I can possibly give before I need to make tough decisions.

Due to biology he has a lot more time / options as regards DC than you do. That’s a big imbalance, as is his workaholism (on top of the working culture/environment/hours of his job) and you feeling more for him, at present, than he does for you.

Even if you marry and have DC together, there are a lot of signs your situation could be difficult in the long term.

@Bunnymumy

I wouldnt use the L word before a year even if I felt it. Tbh, at 4 months in you don't love him because you dont really know him. He sounds sensible.

You can love someone in a short time. Me and DH married 5 months after meeting and, no, I wasn't pregnant.

I think he told me he loved me after about a month and I already knew I loved him by then.

Been very happily married for 40 years