Spying

[Sasasaah]

It's been done I'm sure but I'd love to know thoughts on spying on your partner.

Every now and then I check up on my partner. Maybe 3 or 4 times a year. My phone, computer, literally everything is accessible, has been for 14 years, her too.

Now don't get me wrong, because I know you're all going to jump on me, I only generally do this when I feel insecure and if she did it when she felt insecure, wouldn't mind. I have nothing to hide.

Personally if you come to MN, spying seems to be bad, spying seems to be a symptom of a bad relationship but Say otherwise, if it's all the time then something is wrong.

We all think we know each other but we REALLY don't. We all hide things but we all live in the hope that the things other people are hiding aren't big things like having an affair, bring a serial killer or having another family

Who says I am questioning her for hours, who says I am snooping all the time.

You said you questioned her for hours and hours, then said actually she questioned you for hours and hours. So whichever is true, one of you has at some point been questioning the other for hours and hours - can you see that's what you said? If that's not the case why did you say it at all?

You said you snooped 3-4 times a year, then that it wasn't that often, then a few times over ten years. Again, can you see that you've changed that frequency throughout the thread?

Can you understand why people are confused and feel you're chopping and changing your story based on those two examples? Again please don't take this an attack, try to think about that objectively.

Yes no snooping is the healthy place to be and I have done it on occasions, I am not justifying it, I'm just saying what I've done.

You've changed your story frequently about how often you've done it and you have justified it even recently by saying it's basically necessary to ensure a partner doesn't fuck you over. The point is, if you have suspicions there is a lot of work to be done on a relationship other than snooping. In your case, you don't even have specific suspicions, you just want to sort of check through everything private just in case.

The relationship is a pretty healthy relationship, which we continually work on. I have my issues and she has hers but we work together and we try to grow as people and as a relationship.

In what ways do you work on them? Your level of insecurity sounds very serious and I wonder how much of that is due to you and how much of that is due to the relationship. Have you considered individual therapy? I think it would be a really good idea for you.

I need to deal with my insecurities, understand why I am feeling insecure and ways to cope with it.

Yes. So what's the plan? Counselling? CBT? Talking things through with your partner? Getting her to change her passwords so you have no temptation?

@ReetDortyLass

The "I don't proofread" bit was unfathomably annoying wasn't it! Set a tone of self absorption and arrogance from the beginning, which lo and behold! Was correct. Glad I wasn't the only one who was about it.

It’s still toxic and yes you both should finish it. There is no trust and once that’s gone it’s time to end it for both parties.

Now what would you do if she changed all her passwords so you have no access. Demand them. What if you did the same what then?

I need to deal with my insecurities, understand why I am feeling insecure and ways to cope with it.

You do. When are you going to start? How are you going to deal with your issues? Will you stop spying as soon as you start to work on your own problems?

My phone and pc are open to be looked at I guess but if il actually saw or knew that my partner was deliberately scrutising my mail or history I would be annoyed as would he. Its like reading people's letters without being actively shown.

My God.

I'm off now but before I go if somebody can be bothered to find the part where I said we question each other for hours, please let me know and I'll take a look at what I said.

@youvegottenminuteslynn Thanks for your feedback. I think you've got a few things wrong, which I understand. I have been a little confusing, I've not meant to be, but sometimes I have trouble explaining things and they come out wrong. I'm going to end this thread now, but just wanted to let you know I'm taking what you've said on board.

@Sasasaah

My God.

I'm off now but before I go if somebody can be bothered to find the part where I said we question each other for hours, please let me know and I'll take a look at what I said.

@youvegottenminuteslynn Thanks for your feedback. I think you've got a few things wrong, which I understand. I have been a little confusing, I've not meant to be, but sometimes I have trouble explaining things and they come out wrong. I'm going to end this thread now, but just wanted to let you know I'm taking what you've said on board.

Um no, I haven't got confused, I very clearly quoted the things you specifically said.

I'm not sure whether you're being wilfully disingenuous or think people won't notice stuff you've said in black and white even when it's clear to see on one thread.

You said you questioned her for hours and hours.
Then you said actually she questioned you for hours and hours.
I said ok so someone in the relationship was questioning the other person for hours and hours.

You say no, so you're essentially just admitting to lying. As your comments are there in black and white.

It's been a really strange way to converse with people and I hope you do seek some help because the relationship dynamic is really unhealthy and you sound unwell.

I'm off now but before I go if somebody can be bothered to find the part where I said we question each other for hours, please let me know and I'll take a look at what I said.

Sure, here is the place where you said about hours and hours:

Because no matter how much she reassures me, I won't believe her and then she spends hours and hours trying to convince me

And then shortly afterward you said this:

Okay, now I'm going to flip it. I've actually been talking about her, and all the things she's done to me. How insecure she is, whenever I've come home later than usual , she is angry with me and questions where I am and wants to know where I've been.

So probably a good time for you to reflect on whether people are confused or whether you're just saying stuff and then claiming not to have said it at all. Would be a sign of being reasonable if you would concede you were wrong on this one!

[quote ZolaGrey]@ReetDortyLass

The "I don't proofread" bit was unfathomably annoying wasn't it! Set a tone of self absorption and arrogance from the beginning, which lo and behold! Was correct. Glad I wasn't the only one who was about it.

[/quote]
Yes. Thanks. Grindingly so.

You've had a few deleted posts so it could be in one of them but you said that if you do speak to her about your insecurities, you don't believe her and she then spends hours trying to convince you.

And that you'd rather just snoop than project onto her. Not long after you came back and "flipped" it and said it's her who does that to you.

You made it sound like your only choices were snoop or project. Work on yourself for yourself. Get professional help as others have suggested and don't wait until you get the temptation to snoop to seek help. Start now.

What an odd thread - “I check up on my partner cause I’m fundamentally insecure, what fun! discuss!”

Oh I see I’ve missed some bits...

It was in one of the deleted posts @FakeFakeNews that he questioned her for hours and hours

@FakeFakeNews

You've had a few deleted posts so it could be in one of them but you said that if you do speak to her about your insecurities, you don't believe her and she then spends hours trying to convince you.

And that you'd rather just snoop than project onto her. Not long after you came back and "flipped" it and said it's her who does that to you.

You made it sound like your only choices were snoop or project. Work on yourself for yourself. Get professional help as others have suggested and don't wait until you get the temptation to snoop to seek help. Start now.

I read this too.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I'm off now but before I go if somebody can be bothered to find the part where I said we question each other for hours, please let me know and I'll take a look at what I said.

Sure, here is the place where you said about hours and hours:

Because no matter how much she reassures me, I won't believe her and then she spends hours and hours trying to convince me

And then shortly afterward you said this:

Okay, now I'm going to flip it. I've actually been talking about her, and all the things she's done to me. How insecure she is, whenever I've come home later than usual , she is angry with me and questions where I am and wants to know where I've been.

So probably a good time for you to reflect on whether people are confused or whether you're just saying stuff and then claiming not to have said it at all. Would be a sign of being reasonable if you would concede you were wrong on this one!

Here you go - it's all still there, not sure why OP is acting like people are making stuff up for the fun of it..!

I can't work out what you are trying to get from this thread really OP.
You are telling us you are doing something that you say yourself you know is wrong and you even state why you know it's wrong. When we all say it's wrong and why we believe it to be wrong you get the ump! You then demonstrate that you are a bit of a whiney dickhead (a PPs words but accurate nonetheless) and when a fair proportion of us agree that you are this you just give us more proof that you are.

Please take from this that you are probably not the nicest person in the world as you are doing unpleasant things but by posting you are aware of your shortcomings and perhaps want to change maybe? In that case change. Try to see what we all see and stop being a spy or however you want to see yourself (or not?)

Show more faith on your partner, being as you have never found anything untoward and work on yourself to become less insecure in every respect. It's rare that a poster comes on here and there is nothing positive to take from starting a thread. We are not vipers but if you re-read your own posts you do come across as one of these....

I am doing this thing that is wrong but I don't care

MNers. You are wrong to be doing that thing.

I don't care Rants at everyone for not accepting your thing that you are doing wrong.

I have not re read or proof read this so there might be mistakes. Forgive me I am a deeply flawed MNer but I need a brew desperately.

@youvegottenminuteslynn Please quote me, because you say have but I don't actually see any evidence of that. Quote me and then Ill log on to the Internet on my computer and search for the text.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Ooh. Sorry. I see where you've got it from now. It wasn't literal. It was me trying to say this ---

If a person has it in their head that something is wrong, it doesn't matter how much you try to convince them, they believe what they believe.

This isn't me or us. I told you that I have difficulty explaining myself. Sorry. It will look like I'm backtracking again.

[quote Sasasaah]@youvegottenminuteslynn

Ooh. Sorry. I see where you've got it from now. It wasn't literal. It was me trying to say this ---

If a person has it in their head that something is wrong, it doesn't matter how much you try to convince them, they believe what they believe.

This isn't me or us. I told you that I have difficulty explaining myself. Sorry. It will look like I'm backtracking again.[/quote]
"This isn't me or us"

Yet earlier you said it was you. Then her...

Then said quote me, then I did, then you said it wasn't literal.

I'm out I'm afraid, apologies but you're exhausting!

Your relationship isn't healthy, your attitude isn't healthy and you won't be happy unless you do some work to address those things.

Being defensive doesn't make you happier, it just makes you feel less vulnerable for a minute. It's not constructive or useful.

Good luck. She must be very patient!

Jesus this thread has given me a migraine. It's gaslighting 101! I'm surprised you haven't got whiplash from all your about-turns on here @Sasasaah.

Dude...STOP!!!!

You’re done.

We can’t have a reasoned discussion with you because you are not being reasonable.

Every time someone says something you don’t like you discount their opinion then wander off on a tangent before complaining how awful people are being. You should really start considering the possibility that it’s not everyone else who is in the wrong. If you’re not willing to accept what the vast majority of people have said then there is zero point in you posting because at the moment you’re just yapping away in the void getting yourself worked up for no reason.

I think “Sasasaah-ing” needs to enter the MN lexicon! They’re the new Sharon

Urgh what a gaslighting horror you are.

@ZolaGrey

Urgh what a gaslighting horror you are.

Even to strangers like me!

OP: I never ever said that, show me where I said that!

Me: Here are your exact words...

OP: Oh dear you're confused

Me: You literally said it in those exact words

OP: You're so confused, I didn't mean that literally

The gaslighting level is unreal! Being called confused for showing someone word for word exactly what they said. Impressive!

Lol I have never been gaslit by a thread before! This is fascinating.

Ah well, second lockdown has made us all a bit loopers eh