Spying

[Sasasaah]

It's been done I'm sure but I'd love to know thoughts on spying on your partner.

Every now and then I check up on my partner. Maybe 3 or 4 times a year. My phone, computer, literally everything is accessible, has been for 14 years, her too.

Now don't get me wrong, because I know you're all going to jump on me, I only generally do this when I feel insecure and if she did it when she felt insecure, wouldn't mind. I have nothing to hide.

Personally if you come to MN, spying seems to be bad, spying seems to be a symptom of a bad relationship but Say otherwise, if it's all the time then something is wrong.

We all think we know each other but we REALLY don't. We all hide things but we all live in the hope that the things other people are hiding aren't big things like having an affair, bring a serial killer or having another family

There is no discussion. You e decided you're right and are finding multiple ways to justify that.

That's a fairly typical response from an abuser in a relationship

@CandyLeBonBon

You assume that you know me and know what my life is like. I'm so happy that you live in a perfect world and have a perfect relationship.

Basically what you are saying is that I am never allowed to be insecure and because I snoop every now and then to relieve my own insecurities I am living and creating a toxic environment. We are mainly happy but yes we have our problems, no relationship is perfect.

Enjoy your perfect life.

@CandyLeBonBon

So all the people on other threads who suggest they should snoop are abusive now. If it is so black and white how comes there are so many differences of opinions on this.

Get over yourself OP

@CandyLeBonBon

So all the people on other threads who suggest they should snoop are abusive now. If it is so black and white how comes there are so many differences of opinions on this.

You didn't answer the question.

You've said that at some point you've both said it's ok to look, to each other, so you have kinda given each other implied broad consent. It's not a conventional way to run things, but it seems to have worked for both of you so far, and that's fine.
Things to consider though are where you draw the line at unacceptable communication and what would you do if you found some? It's possible innocent stuff can be misinterpreted, so you risk giving yourself unecessary angst by looking. Have you considered how you would handle things if you saw something you thought was suss?
If you spotted a new friendship on the scene, would you be tempted to pass comment, so she'd know you were looking? If you found something had a password on it one day, would it put you in a panic?
I've always had a passcode on my phone, I wouldn't want to risk losing it without one. My current fella doesn't, that's his choice, I haven't looked.

And he wonders why men get a hard time on MN...

@Opentooffers Something happened in the past. I was 100% not snooping just using her computer and something popped up that I thought was an inappropriate message from a man. I still to this day think it was despite her saying the opposite. Anyway we had that conversation then.

I know it's not healthy, I have been in an insecure period and even though I knew I was being irrational I felt the need to check. It's passed now and like the last 10+ years I doubt I will do it again for years, but if it does arise I need to deal with my issues and not go there.

Despite people thinking I'm not listening, this thread has helped and I need to deal with my stuff.

@pog100

I'm very aware of why men get a hard time here thanks though for your really helpful comment.

So you start a thread which you are too arrogant to proof read. You then say that you have no reason whatsoever to suspect your partner of cheating but you 'spy' on them anyway. It then turns out that using the term 'spy' is innaccurate because you have free access to her platforms.

Everyone says what you are doing is wrong and you try to justify yourself.

You then call MNers hateful and expect them to just accept that and get upset when they won't.
You use poor grammar but hey, you don't proof read, right!
At the point your posts could have been from a man or a woman you get snotty about non existent sex based bias.
You miss the point of a lot of posts spectacularly and then get arsey when this is pointed out.

You don't like being called creepy but that is the gut reaction of 99% of posters on here and they are merely voicing their opinion as is their right.

You moan that in the past, posters have been advised to snoop and that is true but you are missing the point over this too. Snoop when you have genuine suspicions. You are snooping in order to feel better about yourself.
Your behaviour in real life and on here is all sorts of unacceptable. Please look at this thread in as a dispassionate was as you can and learn from it.

It sounds like you are bringing out the worst in each other.
One of you or both of you need to work on yourselves and this should not involve spying or any other sort of covert behaviours.

Oh and sarcasm.

Actually wish I hadn't wasted my energy on this thread, you're not even listening to anyone OP.

You are being rude and defensive and changing your story all over the place.

What a waste of everyone's time, including your own.

I'm arrogant because I didn't proof read. Wow.

Just because I don't agree with everyone and am sarcastic means nothing. If people are going to be hideous to me and not engage in a reasonable way / make massive judgements and leaps about my life I am not going to sit here and take it. Maybe I should have ignored it, but I didn't because I've seen over years and years how hateful some ppl on here can be.

If you look through the posts, if people have disagreed with me in a reasonable way I have listened to them and taken it on board.

@SugarCoatIt That's not true. I've been rude only to the people who have been rude to me. Maybe I should have taken the high road but I don't want to.

I also disagree when you say I haven't listened. I have.

Here's the thing. I would be more uncomfortable that I was dependent on another for reassurance. Its bit the spying necessarily its the feeling that you won't be able to cope with the impact if you are blindside by an affair or moneys issues.

I completely understand if you have been financially or housing vulnerable that it makes you feel insecure but I personally would rather fix that issue.

At one point for good reason DP was the tenancy holder and I was a named resident. I still had legal protection but it made me uncomfortable. I got a bit needy if I am honest, despite no indication at all , I started to worry where I and DC would stand if DP left.

The end result was that I was horrified I had become reliant on someone else , I changed my job and started saving. (Granted 2020 and covid job loss have now wiped the whole lot out but I will rebuild as soon as I can). I saved enough for an emergency fund. That even if I got blindsided I wouldn't be at risk. I could walk out the door with my DC and afford housing (situation has now changed anyway).

It was really bloody hard and took a long time. For a variety of reasons my income has waxed and waned a lot. The feeling though when I felt safe under my own power. My insecurity disappeared almost over night.

I didn't check his emails or texts (I could he doesn't keep a password on his phone , we have an odd shared account thing that pops his emails up accidentally on my laptop...I just close the window and don't look) because for me that is a crossed line , and it shows me instantly the relationship for me is failing. If I have to check, if I'm that reliant on someone elses behaviour I am already in a problem.

I love DP more than I've loved anyone other than my DC. He is my partner in every way. However if he chooses to walk , walk. I'll be ok. I don't need the validation because I'll be fine the other end. If it comes out he is having an affair I will end the relationship. I'm not going to make myself entirely emotionally dependent on his actions.

See, this is why snooping is pointless. So what if some man inappropriately messenged your partner? As long as she didn't meet him, get into an emotional affair, was able to handle it all by herself? I don't even care if my husband has a slightly flirty relationship or laughs at women's jokes, he's not particularly that way inclined, but a life devoid of any nice interaction with the opposite sex is horrible. I trust because he's told me when someone's inappropriately messaged him (suggesting they stay in the same hotel when away for work) and brought it back to the relationship to sort out.

All you are doing is torturing yourself over literally nothing, unless it actually became an emotional or physical affair.

I want to be able to laugh at men's jokes or my old male friend call me 'gorgous' without being spied on. That said, I don't get up to anything that if it were seen, my husband would care about, he has old female friends, I have old male friends, this is all something we literally wouldn't care about.

If the only thing stopping your partner from doing anything is your (implied) monitoring, then that's not much security, is it? In other words, this behaviour isn't making you more secure, you are just worried that this time she isn't up to something/next time you might catch her out. Ugh, I couldn't be bothered to police my partner like this, I'd only snoop if the evidence of actual cheating was staring me in the face.

Hi @Shinyletsbebadguys I think the housing situation made me anxious but that didn't lead me to snoop.

I understand what you are saying but our circumstances stop me from changing my situation at the moment. There has been a lot of change lately and we've been arguing and I have just been feeling insecure, I won't go into the details. It is all my issue, I understand that.

Now. I'm not saying it is okay but over 10+ years I have snooped very little and most of these will have been recently. I have been feeling really insecure.

Probably talking to her about my insecurities is the best option but that's not always easy for me to do.

I'm arrogant because I didn't proof read. Wow

Is that honestly all you got from my post?

Yes, arrogant because you are just typing and don't give a crap enough about your posts that people reading have to just accept any mistakes. You then make the statement that you don't proof read as if to say, 'Suck it up. Accept it. This is me'. Can you really not see how this is arrogant? She says expecting the answer no

@Poppingnostopping I don't police her at all and she doesn't feel policed.

Discussing and thinking about all this has made me realise I can be very insecure at times and I really need to deal with that. That is not to say that every time I am insecure I check up on her, it happens in very rare situations.

@ReetDortyLass Okay. Maybe there were a thousand other reasons that I didn't proof read, maybe the 'Don't' should have been a 'Didn't' maybe I tried to edit it but couldn't.

But let's just leap to arrogance shall we. Just massive leaps and judgements from people.

You are massively defensive to every single perceived criticism op.

You could've said 'ok, didn't mean it like that, certainly wasn't trying to sound arrogant. But point taken'

Instead you just go on another defensive rant and tell everyone else they're nasty.

You op did sound arrogant tbh. But I didn't bother mentioning it because I was hoping I'd just misread the tone. But your ranty, defensive posting style makes me feel that this is your way of communicating.

@ReetDortyLass I took lots of things out of your post and ignored a lot of it too. I've already said I'm taking things on that people say but I'm not going to accept judgemental comments from people and massive leaps into who they think I am based on very little knowledge.

@CandyLeBonBon Defensive, maybe or maybe not just taking any shit from people who make massive leaps. People have said a lot of things which have been hard to hear and I've not got defensive. I just don't like some of the things people have said which I think have been uncalled and just overly judgemental.

OP. Take a breath. You are so angry and defensive! There's clearly a lot going on under the surface that is coming out in an aggressively defensive tone, it's honestly really uncomfortable to read.

You're picking out what you perceive to be insults or misunderstandings in each post so you can ignore the actual points being made.

You said this:

Basically what you are saying is that I am never allowed to be insecure and because I snoop every now and then to relieve my own insecurities I am living and creating a toxic environment. We are mainly happy but yes we have our problems, no relationship is perfect.

Nobody has said you're not "allowed" to ever be insecure. They've said it's wrong to use insecurity as a reason for snooping. So the question is - what are you going to do to tackle your insecurity? Counselling? Self soothing tactics? What's the plan?

You note people have said you're creating and living in a toxic environment but take offence at this as you say nobody is perfect and you're mostly happy together. But mostly happy couples don't have a history of either partner questioning the other for hours and hours, not believing their innocence, snooping on each other's communications.

So can you at least concede that the relationship has been unhealthy in a number of ways and therefore it would be sensible to think about whether it's healthy to continue the relationship?

It would be good if you could think about those questions and maybe even answer them, without an outpouring of anger. We don't know you - you posted to strangers and you're choosing to engage in a really combative way that isn't helping you.

@youvegottenminuteslynn There is no anger, I'm just not accepting crappy behaviour. You've responded decently, that's all I'm asking for. People seem to be allowed to express their views, I'm responding to those as I want because it's not constructive to just jump on people. A poster jumped on me and hadn't actually read all of the thread.

Who says I am questioning her for hours, who says I am snooping all the time. Yes no snooping is the healthy place to be and I have done it on occasions, I am not justifying it, I'm just saying what I've done.

The relationship is a pretty healthy relationship, which we continually work on. I have my issues and she has hers but we work together and we try to grow as people and as a relationship.

I need to deal with my insecurities, understand why I am feeling insecure and ways to cope with it.

See, no anger 😀 That's because you didn't make judgements or attack. People have attacked and I've just decided I'm not going to take it. I've seen it too many times on here.

Who says I am questioning her for hours

That's what you told us she'd been doing to you op.

And crappy behaviour is exactly why you've received the replies you have.