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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

arsie husband !!

241 replies

seag · 08/12/2020 12:32

First post-Just need to vent,all a bit petty but here goes....husband and I rarely go a shopping trip together.maybe once a year if your lucky!!He picked today as the day that suited him best.Planned to go first thing this morning-going for a new bed and mattress.Plan was to leave at 8 so we would be in shop first thing and hopefully it would be quiet.He is very grumpy in the mornings but always thinks his mood is justified.As a family we just try and ignore it or make light of it as it wears off within an hour or so.First thing he said to me when we woke was that I wouldn't be ready to leave at 8- no reason for this just goading me....i was ready at 7:50.Asked him if he'd like a cuppa before we head off-he said no ,as he had already made himself one in his flask.Charming! So i didn't bother and said lets head off.In the car he started ruffling through my stuff on the back seat and said anyone with a brain wouldn't leave the manual on the seat -it should be in the glove compartment and why did i have this or that.I just put radio on and let him have his rant and didn't rise to it.We had to swing by his office to drop something off,and as we left I asked him if i should take the left or right at the junction(there is lots of new building at his office and new road set ups,so although I know the area there have been a lot of recent changes).He said "FFS are you stupid,you should know where your going."Again i asked if he could just tell me but no," he's not the one driving "so I took the left turn and again he said "FFS who goes this way".I had enough at this point,-just no reason to speak to me like this and pulled over and asked why he couldn't just be civil-if i'm asking for assistance why cant he just give it.He says,"brush your teeth before you speak to me"(i had brushed my teeth)"your fucking driving ,you should have planned your route".That comment was the final straw for me and I said "forget the trip as you are clearly in a foul mood and cant speak in a civil manner to me,I can either drop you at your office or take you home so you can collect your own car."He said I was cutting my nose off to spite myself (perhaps ,but didn't seem like it was going to be much fun).So we drove home in silence and when we got back he said that it was a terrible shame that I had ruined the morning.I said very calmly that I wasn't willing to continue being spoken to in the way that he had been and he replied,"oh poor you,you are such a victim" and left.
Aaaaah I feel better already!!! Just sick of his moods and him speaking to me like this.I had woken feeling pretty good and was looking forward to our little trip out!

OP posts:
seag · 10/12/2020 10:04

Well it was shortlived.It happened again this morning.I was on a call and he started cursing in the background about my plans.I ended the call and said your doing it again,why are you so angry.He shouted back that he wasn't angry and then ranted about what he felt i was doing wrong re the arrangements i had been trying to make.I challenged him again and said just speak to me please.He said stuff like-"Oh your just a little angel aren't you.Your so perfect because you aren't shouting.Your problem is your just stagnant.Oh poor poor me,someone told me i had bad breath!"
I am far from perfect but I really cant take more of this.Its like Jekyll and Hide behavoiur-he was like a different man last night.I just said I wanted a divorce and that he really was vile and he responded with-"go on then fuck off and get a divorce" .So i will have to act on what ive said which is heartbreaking.I cant bear to cause upset to my children especially when they are so excited about christmas.Its not easy to get somewhere else to stay either due to all the restrictions but i think i might look for an airbnb just for me,and I will come back to the house during the day to try and keep things normal as possible for them.

OP posts:
LilyLongJohn · 10/12/2020 10:12

I'm afraid you will have to act now, or you'll have to live like this for the rest of your time with him. Give in now and you're saying 'it's ok to talk to me like this, I won't do anything about it'

Just remember when you think about your dc being upset, that you are protecting them from listening to their father abuse their mother, and none of this is your fault.

Do you have a mortgage on the house or is it rented? I'd not move out if it's mortgaged, but I would use this time to speak to a solicitor and get the wheels in motion. If it's rented can you look for somewhere else and speak to your landlord and explain what's happened?

smartiecake · 10/12/2020 10:19

Speak to a solicitor before you do anything. Dont move out until you are aware of your financial situation and what you need to do to help you and the kids.
Can you get copies of bank details/his financial income?
He is never going to change OP. You are right to stand up for yourself and call him out on his appalling behaviour.
Do you have family nearby who can help support you emotionally?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/12/2020 10:19

seag

I would seek legal advice with a view to divorce proceedings asap. He is showing you still who he really is and has been all along. Your children will adapt to you divorcing but please reconsider this whole idea about renting an airbnb place for you only to return to the marital home. Its not a good idea to leave the kids with him alone and infact you may well be advised by a Solicitor to stay in the house. I would also look into asking about non molestation and occupation orders.

He is not going to make the whole act of you divorcing him at all straight forward and will likely use that against you as "punishment". He will remain just as unreasonable and arsey post you divorcing him too about everything including his access to the kids.

He may well direct this solely at you but your children will pick up on all the vibes here both spoken and unspoken between you two. They do notice and have noticed far more than you perhaps care to realise.
Men like this take a long time, years even, to recover from and I would also urge you to enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme.

seag · 10/12/2020 10:20

@LilyLongJohn
The house is mortgaged and needs a load of stuff done if we were to sell.

OP posts:
smartiecake · 10/12/2020 10:22

The house can be sold with work needing to be done to it. Dont think it has to be done as that is just a barrier to you thinking you can get out

seag · 10/12/2020 10:23

I thought maybe if I moved out for a few days it would show him Im serious

OP posts:
BigBaublesGalore · 10/12/2020 10:24

I'm so sorry to hear your latest update however at least you know now that he's not going to change and you don't have to waste any more time with him.

How old are your DC?

What is your current situation with housing? Is it a mortgage, can he leave?

I would be very concerned with leaving the kids with that moody arsehole. I know you said he does it to you and not to them but have you considered that if you're not there then he could then target it at them?

You can call women's aid, they'll know exactly what to ask you and how to help you. They're absolutely brilliant and will help you. You are a victim of domestic abuse and you won't believe the amount of support you will get

As for Christmas, it's one day, i know it's special for kids but if you act now with women's aid you might even find you get a place in a refuge with other women and children celebrating Christmas. Kids can feel like it's a hotel rather than a refuge

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/12/2020 10:24

The house needing a lot of work done to it would be seen by some buyers as a plus or blank canvass to put their mark on so do not use that an a reason to delay here.

VettiyaIruken · 10/12/2020 10:24

He simply doesn't believe that you will leave does he?

He thinks he can treat you with contempt and blatant hatred and you'll get mad, he'll sulk, you'll demand an apology, he'll begrudgingly 'apologise', throw you a day or two of 'kindness', then verbally abuse you again... Round and round and round you go.

Reading his words - they are words that come from hatred. Actual hatred.

Also, please don't fool yourself that your children are or will remain oblivious. So many times the parent says their children don't know anything/I protect them/ it doesn't affect them etc only for the child to grow up and be very clear that they saw so much and were very much affected by it.

BigBaublesGalore · 10/12/2020 10:25

@seag

I thought maybe if I moved out for a few days it would show him Im serious
He won't change OP, because if you do that you're not serious, you're hoping he will think oh shit and then change... and he will for about a day or maybe a week but his true colours will soon emerge again. You might think it's better for the kids but actually you're just dragging on the inevitable
seag · 10/12/2020 10:26

@smartiecake
I do have some savings of my own and have access to all of our bank accounts so no problem in that dept hopefully

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 10/12/2020 10:26

@seag

I thought maybe if I moved out for a few days it would show him Im serious
It wouldn't even buy you a week.

All that would happen is every time he verbally abused you, he'd also spit out "go on, go pack a bag and go to a hotel again, abandon your children, that's just what you do..."

It would simply be used as yet another stick to beat you with. Yet another thing to attack you with.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/12/2020 10:27

Getting the wheels in motion with a Solicitor and actively starting divorce proceedings would show far more serious intention than staying in an airbnb for a few days. He could use that against you as well; oh she abandoned her kids to go live on her own!. It merely plays into his hands.

BigBaublesGalore · 10/12/2020 10:28

[quote seag]@smartiecake
I do have some savings of my own and have access to all of our bank accounts so no problem in that dept hopefully[/quote]
That's really good to hear, you're stronger than you know op and you really really do deserve much better and so do your kids. His behaviour is abhorrent

BigBaublesGalore · 10/12/2020 10:28

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Getting the wheels in motion with a Solicitor and actively starting divorce proceedings would show far more serious intention than staying in an airbnb for a few days. He could use that against you as well; oh she abandoned her kids to go live on her own!. It merely plays into his hands.
This
smartiecake · 10/12/2020 10:35

@seag thats good about the finances but get copies of everything because if he realises that you are serious could he take the money out? Stop you having access?
You need to see a solicitor. Find out everything you need to know. Dont move out as others have said, don't leave the home and children in case he uses it against you.
Book a solicitors appointment before you take any action

seag · 10/12/2020 10:35

You are all right,i know that.Its just hard to feel that this is it.It has been the norm for so long and i have put up with it.I think i have felt subconciously that I deserved it really ,because I dont want sex enough and that the house isnt as organised and tidy as it could be.Im not a good housewife!

OP posts:
MAK93 · 10/12/2020 10:35

I’ve been with my fiancé for 7 years, we’d never speak to each other like this 🤔

youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/12/2020 10:37

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Getting the wheels in motion with a Solicitor and actively starting divorce proceedings would show far more serious intention than staying in an airbnb for a few days. He could use that against you as well; oh she abandoned her kids to go live on her own!. It merely plays into his hands.
All of this OP. I'm so sorry he truly is a horrible bully. He's skin crawlingly nasty. Don't leave the house and give him ammunition to say you've abandoned the kids or allow him to drip poison in their ears. Solicitor should be your priority. Thanks
seag · 10/12/2020 10:39

I have felt pretty numb for the last 24hrs but fell like the tears are coming now.

OP posts:
BigBaublesGalore · 10/12/2020 10:42

@seag

You are all right,i know that.Its just hard to feel that this is it.It has been the norm for so long and i have put up with it.I think i have felt subconciously that I deserved it really ,because I dont want sex enough and that the house isnt as organised and tidy as it could be.Im not a good housewife!
No no no, it's not your job to be a housewife and honestly no one is perfect. My house keeping skills are abysmal and my dp doesn't treat me like shit for it. And you're not there to give him sex... you have nothing to feel guilty about at all, he's spent so long blaming you and making out you deserve it all but he's gaslighting you lovely, you really don't deserve to be treated like this! You're the mother of his kids, he should be honouring you and working with you
metronome1 · 10/12/2020 10:45

I hate mornings and I feel grumpy. However I never ever take that out on anyone as I'm an adult and reasonable. My husband will often sing and joke around with me while I'm quietly drinking my morning coffee and I laugh and tell him to go away in a joking manner. That's normal for non morning people.
What your dh is doing is not OK or normal.
Someone who loves and cares for you would not treat you this way regardless of how tired they were.
How dare he speak to you this way. Just awful.
My dh would never and has never spoken to me like that.

I did have boys in my teens that would speak to me like "brush your teeth" but they were nasty immature teen boys (still no excuse). A grown adult doing this is just ridiculous.

BigBaublesGalore · 10/12/2020 10:46

@seag

I have felt pretty numb for the last 24hrs but fell like the tears are coming now.
It's really understandable as you're seeing now things that have been going on so long that aren't ok. I think once you see them and realise it's pretty impossible to turn a blind eye to them and then you're looking at an uncertain future which can feel scary but you will be ok and so much happier and better for it and so will your DC. You just have to take things one step at a time.

do you have any family close by you can get support from? We're all here to hold your hand too

seag · 10/12/2020 10:47

I do have family nearby but i dont want to tell them.They all love him.Everyone does-he's a popular guy.I dont even want to confide in my friends because we are all close as couples

OP posts: