arsie husband !!

[seag]

First post-Just need to vent,all a bit petty but here goes....husband and I rarely go a shopping trip together.maybe once a year if your lucky!!He picked today as the day that suited him best.Planned to go first thing this morning-going for a new bed and mattress.Plan was to leave at 8 so we would be in shop first thing and hopefully it would be quiet.He is very grumpy in the mornings but always thinks his mood is justified.As a family we just try and ignore it or make light of it as it wears off within an hour or so.First thing he said to me when we woke was that I wouldn't be ready to leave at 8- no reason for this just goading me....i was ready at 7:50.Asked him if he'd like a cuppa before we head off-he said no ,as he had already made himself one in his flask.Charming! So i didn't bother and said lets head off.In the car he started ruffling through my stuff on the back seat and said anyone with a brain wouldn't leave the manual on the seat -it should be in the glove compartment and why did i have this or that.I just put radio on and let him have his rant and didn't rise to it.We had to swing by his office to drop something off,and as we left I asked him if i should take the left or right at the junction(there is lots of new building at his office and new road set ups,so although I know the area there have been a lot of recent changes).He said "FFS are you stupid,you should know where your going."Again i asked if he could just tell me but no," he's not the one driving "so I took the left turn and again he said "FFS who goes this way".I had enough at this point,-just no reason to speak to me like this and pulled over and asked why he couldn't just be civil-if i'm asking for assistance why cant he just give it.He says,"brush your teeth before you speak to me"(i had brushed my teeth)"your fucking driving ,you should have planned your route".That comment was the final straw for me and I said "forget the trip as you are clearly in a foul mood and cant speak in a civil manner to me,I can either drop you at your office or take you home so you can collect your own car."He said I was cutting my nose off to spite myself (perhaps ,but didn't seem like it was going to be much fun).So we drove home in silence and when we got back he said that it was a terrible shame that I had ruined the morning.I said very calmly that I wasn't willing to continue being spoken to in the way that he had been and he replied,"oh poor you,you are such a victim" and left.
Aaaaah I feel better already!!! Just sick of his moods and him speaking to me like this.I had woken feeling pretty good and was looking forward to our little trip out!

It seems like you think his behaviour is normal and you are just putting up with it as long as he offers an apology. But actually this is very worrying as his behaviour isnt normal. I'm sure most of your friends and family would be completely horrified if they witnessed this and you are just accepting of this.
Are you too scared to challenge him when he does this? Or are you so ground down by him that he can get away with treating you this way?

You know what to do.

He obviously thinks very little of you.

Once the time has gone, it's gone.

This made me sad. He is not kind and loving, he is being emotionally abusive. Kind and loving people don't act like this on a regular basis. Please take some time to talk about his behaviour with someone neutral. Time to think about how his actions will impact on your children's adult relationships. Will a son do this to their wife, will a daughter except this from a husband?

We all have bad moods, we all wake up grumpy sometime. Adults learn how to sort themselves out so that this doesn't harm the wellbeing of those we love.

We don't think he was abusive, we know he was

You sticking up for him is making me worried that you've become so used to this that you'll accept it's normal.

It's not

I have been reflecting all night on this and theres more to it.He often becomes moody if he feels we don't have enough intimacy. He definitely has a higher sex drive than me and wants physical closeness a lot in bed.I feel if i cuddle him,to him its an immediate sign that sex is on the cards so i often avoid touching him.If i reject him he will call me frigid.I always feel bad that I don't want sex as much as him and i think this is a big underlying problem in our relationship.He often blames his weed smoking on the perceived lack of intimicy.I find it difficult to want sex when the dc's are in the house in case they hear us but i guess most families have this problem!I have older teenagers as well as younger children and the older ones are often awake late in their rooms.I know that when I bring up his behaviour yesterday he will turn it around and say he is just angry because he loves me and needs me to be more intimate with him.

I'm so glad you've been reflecting more on it, it can be a really hard thing to open up to but you already made the first step yesterday when you started this thread.

You should absolutely NOT feel guilty for not wanting or giving him sex. I used to be like this with abusive ex husband... I would be very careful getting out the shower and making sure I was fully dressed otherwise I knew we'd have to have sex and I didn't want it. My current dp never makes me feel bad, if I don't want it (and he can tell sometimes I'm not in the mood) he says some other time and we're fine, no moods, no grumpiness on his part.

If i reject him he will call me frigid.I always feel bad that I don't want sex as much as him and i think this is a big underlying problem in our relationship.

He often becomes moody if he feels we don't have enough intimacy.

Please read this and scroll down to the signs of sexual coercion. Do they feel familiar to you?

https://www.bustle.com/articles/155328-8-signs-your-partner-is-being-sexually-coercive-because-you-can-always-say-no

Coercive control is a crime. He is an abusive man who takes drugs, demeans you, coerces you into having sex when you don't want to and makes everything your fault.

Nothing is worth that. You need to start putting together a plan to end this relationship.

If not for you then for your kids, they are learning that this is what a relationship is supposed to look like and the longer you stay the more likely they are to end up in a similarly toxic and damaging relationship.

Try to be really honest with yourself when you look at that link. Think objectively and don't minimise or excuse his behaviour to yourself - just think about the words and whether they apply to your situation.

@BigBaublesGalore thanks for your reply.It is really hard to open up to and I take on board others comments that i have normalised the way he speaks to me.I know I shouldnt really feel guilty for not wanting sex at times but hard when I know he's going to be moody about it

@youvegottenminuteslynn-thank yo ,I will have a look now

What troubles me about this is hos grumpiness is around, and possibly even directed at, the children. They may be learning that his niceness towards them, and therefore possibly his love, is conditional on them not provoking him. And presumably they fear him to some extent. I don't think that's right. If he truly loved them, would he be like this around them, or would he want better.

And if he truly loved you, the same applies?

@candycane222 while the kids to witness his grumpiness some of the time in the morning,he does usually leave for work pretty early so he's only around for a few minutes.If he's grumpy and around for longer they will tease him and he will laugh and stop it usually.Or we all just leave him to his own devices until he gets over it.There is no fear of him and as i said he directs his mood at me not the children

@youvegottenminuteslynn
www.bustle.com/articles/155328-8-signs-your-partner-is-being-sexually-coercive-because-you-can-always-say-no
i think some of this rings true for me
So do most partners never just have sex to please their partner even when they dont really want to?

[quote seag]@youvegottenminuteslynn
www.bustle.com/articles/155328-8-signs-your-partner-is-being-sexually-coercive-because-you-can-always-say-no
i think some of this rings true for me
So do most partners never just have sex to please their partner even when they dont really want to?[/quote]
There are times dp wants it and he asks me and I will say yeah because I know he wants it but that's not through fear of him getting moody... if he's being grumpy with you on a regular basis why would you want to sleep with him? If he was kinder to you and loving him then you might feel more in the mood for it

[quote seag]@youvegottenminuteslynn
www.bustle.com/articles/155328-8-signs-your-partner-is-being-sexually-coercive-because-you-can-always-say-no
i think some of this rings true for me
So do most partners never just have sex to please their partner even when they dont really want to?[/quote]
Oh my love I feel so sad for you, your boundaries and expectations have been really skewed.

It is not healthy, ever, to have sex when you don't want to have sex. End of story.

And what's more, if I was to have sex with my partner when I didn't want to, only to make him happy then he would be genuinely really upset afterwards as he would feel I had had to do something I didn't want to do.

He would feel gross about the sexual encounter, a bit disgusted with himself for not realising I wasn't super into it (as I say I wouldn't do this, partly as I have been attacked previously and made a vow to myself that I couldn't afford to be sexually vulnerable mentally) and would look back on the encounter as something terrible and sad.

That's what love looks like. Your husband knows when you aren't in the mood for sex, but feels he is entitled to have sex with you more than you are entitled to feel safe, secure, calm and loved.

I really think some counselling would benefit you to get a sense of healthy boundaries and hopefully help you to start thinking about leaving.

Please, think of your children.

Show them better.

This is not a good life to live.

@youvegottenminuteslynn
And what's more, if I was to have sex with my partner when I didn't want to, only to make him happy then he would be genuinely really upset afterwards as he would feel I had had to do something I didn't want to do.
This has happened,where he knows Ive been reluctant but i havent said no,and then afterwards he has felt bad-that he wants me to be into it

[quote seag]@youvegottenminuteslynn
And what's more, if I was to have sex with my partner when I didn't want to, only to make him happy then he would be genuinely really upset afterwards as he would feel I had had to do something I didn't want to do.
This has happened,where he knows Ive been reluctant but i havent said no,and then afterwards he has felt bad-that he wants me to be into it[/quote]
But he still did it. He chose to do it. And knowing that happened, he's done it many more times. He has also sulked when you've said no, despite claiming to feel bad about times you've only said yes to appease him. Can you see how his actions don't match his words?

He thinks it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission. He's horrible.

Sorry OP adding to all the others posts of he is abusive. So he is kind and loving when he is getting the amount of sex that he wants? That's not loving and kind, thats abusive and controlling.

What would you say to your daughter if she described her DP speaking to her the way he did? How would you respond if she said, "I can't cuddle him as he always thinks I want sex when I just want to be comforted or feel loved", or "I have sex with my DP because its easier even though I don't want to". Now imagine her saying all of that, and then saying I learnt from you, my DM.

This is harsh and upsetting, and I'm sorry for that. But you are excusing his behaviour and that's very worrying as you have become so used to his behaviour you are minimising it.

My DP has never spoken to me like that (or me him), I've never had sex with him if I don't want to, I hug, kiss him when I want without him thinking its leading to sex. He can obviously be a bit grumpy occasionally and will always apologise and it is never my fault he recognises his behaviour is about him. I'm not saying this to be a dick but you seem to think everyone puts up with this behaviour and therefore is normal when it really isn't.

@seag This has happened,where he knows Ive been reluctant but i havent said no,and then afterwards he has felt bad-that he wants me to be into it

He's only feeling bad for himself that you're not into him, he's not feeling bad for you otherwise he wouldn't have put you through that experience in the first place

This post might be an interesting read for you, I think her partner also made her feel guilty about not having sex as much as he wanted Social media stalking? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4073662-Social-media-stalking

Oh god! I see what you are all saying.I think we have both got into quite a dysfunctional pattern of behaviour and allowed it to be "normal" for us
A lot of the earlier responses suggest i should be planning to leave him but its just not that straightforward and I am not sure that this is what I want or that this would be best for our family.The kids are all happy,well adjusted and sociable and we are all very close and have very open avenues of communication with all of them.I don't feel they have been privvy to or witnessed any behavour that would affect them long term.
However my partner and I clearly need to spend some time discussing our relationship and the way he has spoken to me and I need to be able to set clear boundaries for myself

I always found the distinction so very hard as it can feel confusing. We are taught that we should have sex for the other person out of duty which is such a weight to carry and wrong. The issue arises when any of the consequences of not having sex are based on a sense of fear. I hope if I share my experience it might help.

With my current partner I will have sex that I'm not 100% up for. The consequences of not having it are that we don't have sexual intimacy. That's it. He will be disappointed but we'll talk about it and both of us will feel heard. We'll keep eachother in mind next time. It's uncomplicated. It's sex to strengthen your relationship but if you don't the relationship stays the same. The status quo is we are ok but there are things we can work on.

With my abusive ex the consequences were yes we wouldn't have sexual intimacy but also I would face silent treatment, swearing, refusing all affection, threatening to break up, storming out of the house. You are not heard and saying no means a degradation of the relationship. You have more to lose, the decision making is much more complicated. There is no we, there is just you and him and by default you are in the wrong and you are not heard.

The latter is incredibly damaging and I still haven't made peace with it. It's soul destroying. I though I was saving the relationship but I was just being destroyed piece by piece. I started with therapy which showed me that compassion and understanding are the bedrock of a relationship and my ex offered none. I think it would really help here for you to share your thoughts in a safe space.

We went out for a walk and i confronted him about how he spoke to me yesterday.He looked utterly ashamed and apologised.He couldnt really explain why but said he was out of order.I said enough was enough and that he cannot continue to be moody like this and I will absolutely not accept it anymore.I told him his moods were emotionally abusive and he cannot behave like this again if i say no to him.We'll see what happens from now going forward.

couldnt really explain why

Because he doesn't care.

Well done op and good for you.

The proof is now in the pudding as they say. You should also realise that the next time he speaks to you that way, you need to act on your discussion. No point just talking to him about it, if the next time he does it you simply say ' you promised not to talk to me like that' personally I'd have a bag packed for me and dc and the next time (as I'm afraid I'm sure there will be a next time) he does it, you stop whatever you are doing and leave him. If you put up with it again, you're simply telling him 'it's ok'