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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Angry husband

171 replies

Vwoolfssister · 06/12/2020 23:41

My husband had an affair and we have stayed together. It’s been 18 months now and we have had counselling and a trial separation and a lot of ups and downs.
My problem is that although I try really hard to get over it, every now and then something triggers thoughts of the affair and I get upset and ask him about it and he gets really angry with me. He says I should be over it by now. OW has gone.
He says he’s been really understanding with me but he can’t talk about it any more, that I am using it to punish him all the time.
Now he’s angry today because I asked him something about the affair last night and so he spent today in bed saying he felt ill. He wouldn’t say good night to me. He kind of ‘bears it’ if I touch him or try to kiss him. He’s just gone to sleep in the spare room and when I asked why he said he feels sick. I feel so awful. Why can’t I put it behind me and just think of our relationship like he says.
I’m sabotaging things by bringing up his affair.

OP posts:
Piratedoor · 06/12/2020 23:46

I think if you're truly over his affair and want your relationship to work then you need to stop bringing it up with him, otherwise you need to think about whether your relationship can actually work if the details of the affair still bother you so much. Its must be really difficult for you though, what exactly are you asking him?

Original poster
Vwoolfssister · 06/12/2020 23:53

I can’t get over him being with OW in our house and her staying here all night (I was working away) and I asked him if he had to persuade her to come here.

OP posts:
Alexandernevermind · 06/12/2020 23:54

You need to decide whether or not you can get past his affair. You either forgive and trust him and move forward or you don't. I dont think there is an in between, and it isn't fair on either of you to keep bringing it up if you have decided to stay with him.

Original poster
Vwoolfssister · 06/12/2020 23:54

I’m so weak. I just can’t shut it out all the time.

OP posts:
PersonaNonGarter · 06/12/2020 23:56

Be kind to yourself , OP. Of course you aren’t ‘over it’. ‘It’ is huge.

However, it is going to exhaust you both if you can’t find contained ways of discussing it . And you do need to discuss it. Try to get counselling.

Original poster
Vwoolfssister · 06/12/2020 23:58

We had counselling. It was awful. The counsellor just kept telling me I had to accept that my husband loved this woman and that didn’t make him a bad person. It made me feel suicidal.

OP posts:
Wearywithteens · 06/12/2020 23:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Wearywithteens · 07/12/2020 00:00

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

IndieTara · 07/12/2020 00:00

You are not weak. What your husband did was devastating for you and just because you've stayed together doesn't mean to say you should. Why should you be over it by now ? It's only been 18 months

Picktionary · 07/12/2020 00:02

Leave him!!! You deserve better and kow you do deep inside.
Stop blaming yourself for feeling insecure - completely rational and normal to do so after betrayal.
Rip off the plaster and leave the cheating bastard.

Aminuts23 · 07/12/2020 00:02

I can’t imagine ever getting over an affair but I respect that people try and some succeed.
It’s been a while now. I think you need to decide whether you actually can forgive and move on or not. I don’t say that flippantly and I know it’s difficult. If you simply cannot get past it you need to be honest about that so that you can both move on. Only you know how you feel in your heart. A relationship has to have trust otherwise what’s the point. If you don’t think you can ever trust him you’ll never be settled and happy with him. Life really is too short

Original poster
Vwoolfssister · 07/12/2020 00:02

It’s so hard. On the one hand I love my husband (or I did) and I don’t want to live without him. On the other, I can’t seem to avoid triggering thoughts about the affair. It has got easier in that the time between the thoughts and the bringing it up is getting longer but he says that’s not good enough and I should be over it and he can’t do anything to help me anymore.

OP posts:
MrsEvedder · 07/12/2020 00:04

You are not weak and you are not to blame for any of this. He's the one who messed up, he's the one who should be doing everything he can to help you through this, answering a few questions is the least he should do. Don't apologise and do not feel bad or guilty, you've done nothing wrong.

Anordinarymum · 07/12/2020 00:07

OP Does your husband show you that he cares for you or do you block everything because of what he did?
Do you allow him to show any affection?
Does he actually show any affection?

Original poster
Vwoolfssister · 07/12/2020 00:08

He says it is ridiculous that I am comparing myself to her and feeling low.
But I do that all the time (although I rarely admit it to him). Every time we do anything nice together I think that he’d rather be doing it with her.
The reason I brought it up last night is that we had to go to a funeral of someone who worked with my husband and all the people there know OW and are friends with her, and it just made me feel so terrible and I felt angry that there’s nothing We can do where she doesn’t ‘intrude’.

OP posts:
TiddyTid · 07/12/2020 00:09

Been really understanding has he? Fuck that. 18 months is nothing. You need to process it and that means asking him stuff, maybe a million times and he needs to keep answering as it's his fault.

Original poster
Vwoolfssister · 07/12/2020 00:11

Sometimes he tries to show affection like touching my arm. He won’t kiss me though. The other day he had a pulled muscle and I offered to put some deep heat on his back for him and I could tell he didn’t like me touching him. I feel like a leper.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 07/12/2020 00:15

Of course it's not ridiculous that you compare yourself to someone your husband has slept with. It is the ultimate in hurt knowing he did that.
You have to work out for yourself if you can get over this. He needs to understand that his treachery has spoiled your life, has put your relationship with him in a different light, and has made you feel less of a person and also there is always the thought that he might do it again.
I am not you but if it were me I would have raged, and then I would have probably kicked him to the kerb before now.
Only you will know if this is worth saving

Original poster
Vwoolfssister · 07/12/2020 00:15

@TiddyTid that is exactly it. I ask the same things and he says he won’t answer anything he’s already answered. Then when it degenerates into a row like last night he stays in bed and refuses to do anything with me and won’t accept my apologies about being it up again. I’m so miserable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vwoolfssister · 07/12/2020 00:19

I have been ill (I was ill during his affair) and I keep thinking this could be the last few years of my life and it’s ruined but all he can do is tell me off for not putting it all behind me and enjoying my future. He said last night he never would have left me, he wanted both me and OW

OP posts:
Wearywithteens · 07/12/2020 00:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

midlifecrash · 07/12/2020 00:20

Fuck him. What do you want? It can't be as if this has never happened. He doesn't show you affection. Maybe it is like picking a scab all the time. Or maybe it is that you have been treated like you don't count and you can't get past it. But what do you want?

Original poster
Vwoolfssister · 07/12/2020 00:30

What I want is the happy state of ignorance I had before he decided to tell me he was carrying on with the wife of his friend and work colleague. I know I can’t have that.
So what I want is to have a life as much like the one I thought I had but I never realised it would be this hard. I can’t bear it when either of us have to work away but at the same time I keep looking at him and thinking of what he did in my house. So I feel bad when we’re apart and bad when we’re together.
He’s so angry now. I have to face getting up tomorrow and not knowing if he’ll still be cross. If he is he’ll start saying we need to separate again probably. Because I can’t accept what he did.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vwoolfssister · 07/12/2020 00:32

When I bring up the affair or OW he has 2 reactions - either he’s angry with me or he starts saying I am affecting his mental health.

OP posts:
katy1213 · 07/12/2020 00:33

NO need to put yourself into social situations that will only make you feel worse. Let him go to his own bloody funerals! His colleague - what do you care?