Angry husband

[Vwoolfssister]

My husband had an affair and we have stayed together. It’s been 18 months now and we have had counselling and a trial separation and a lot of ups and downs.
My problem is that although I try really hard to get over it, every now and then something triggers thoughts of the affair and I get upset and ask him about it and he gets really angry with me. He says I should be over it by now. OW has gone.
He says he’s been really understanding with me but he can’t talk about it any more, that I am using it to punish him all the time.
Now he’s angry today because I asked him something about the affair last night and so he spent today in bed saying he felt ill. He wouldn’t say good night to me. He kind of ‘bears it’ if I touch him or try to kiss him. He’s just gone to sleep in the spare room and when I asked why he said he feels sick. I feel so awful. Why can’t I put it behind me and just think of our relationship like he says.
I’m sabotaging things by bringing up his affair.

^just gets angry

@Harleyquinniwish

He’s not in the position to be angry How dare he You’re grieving for the relationship you had, the trust - he has to co operate to fix that, if it what you both want. If you have decided to forgive, then you have to truly forgive, and move past that time x

Excellent post

@Aquamarine1029
Your husband sleeps in another room, he doesn't want you touching him, he doesn't want to spend time with you, and best of all, he thinks your difficulty in moving past his betrayal is solely your problem.
Yes this exactly. Why does he want to stay with me. And what gives him the right to be angry with me. The counsellor said I should never bring up the affair with him that it was just ruining everything.

[quote Vwoolfssister]@Aquamarine1029
Your husband sleeps in another room, he doesn't want you touching him, he doesn't want to spend time with you, and best of all, he thinks your difficulty in moving past his betrayal is solely your problem.
Yes this exactly. Why does he want to stay with me. And what gives him the right to be angry with me. The counsellor said I should never bring up the affair with him that it was just ruining everything.[/quote]
I'm doing a psychology degree and I don't really trust

Perhaps he wants to stay with you because the alternative is selling the house dividing assets and ultimately living alone. He can't have his cake and eat it OP.
The counsellor was not thinking of you as an individual, and that probably also made you feel you were in the wrong.

Accidentally posted too soon - I was trying to say I don't really trust the opinions of some councillors as they only do the counselling course and don't really use psychology to back it up and in this case, it sounds very much like that and they sound absolutely shit so please do not listen to what they have said.

Knowing what you're husband did and knowing he isn't going to reassure you or try and help you, what do you actually want from this? What are you getting out of this marriage?

Your therapist is absolute shit.

After reading your comments, it sounds like you'd be better off leaving him.
You're constantly unhappy and so is he.
Neither of you are getting anything out of this relationship except misery and being around him and the constant reminder of what he did is like having an open wound that never heals.

Go find your happily ever after xx

@Worriedandabitscared that’s a good question. What I thought I was getting when it all kicked off after the affair was security, as much back to normality as possible, keeping all our relationships with friends and family, a happy secure life.
Of course I don’t have this.
Our friends who know about the affair don’t like what he did (and probably can’t understand why I have stayed). My husband no longer is the kindly, slightly grumpy, loving man I thought I had before. I have no self-esteem. I drink too much. I take Valium. I am really unhappy. But I am also really scared to live alone. I know it’s mad!

[quote Vwoolfssister]@Worriedandabitscared that’s a good question. What I thought I was getting when it all kicked off after the affair was security, as much back to normality as possible, keeping all our relationships with friends and family, a happy secure life.
Of course I don’t have this.
Our friends who know about the affair don’t like what he did (and probably can’t understand why I have stayed). My husband no longer is the kindly, slightly grumpy, loving man I thought I had before. I have no self-esteem. I drink too much. I take Valium. I am really unhappy. But I am also really scared to live alone. I know it’s mad![/quote]
OP has he ever told you why he did it and how did you find out?

I said to my husband - why do you want me anyway? You didn’t want me when you had OW and then I was a happy, normal sort of woman. Now I’m a basket case what’s the attraction?

@Aquamarine1029

Your therapist is absolute shit.

Agreed.

And I wonder if the OW dumped him (or got found out and had too much to lose) and he thought he'd use it as a stick to beat you with anyway. Mr Fucking Popular says he's prepared to give you another go type-of-thing.

Honestly, sod the lot of them.

@Vwoolfssister, where are you getting the Valium from? You really don't need that kind of 'help' tbh.

@anordinarymum I found out because he told me about it. They had just finished it apparently.
He said he did it because he was unhappy with me (news to me!) and she made him feel great.

[quote Vwoolfssister]@Worriedandabitscared that’s a good question. What I thought I was getting when it all kicked off after the affair was security, as much back to normality as possible, keeping all our relationships with friends and family, a happy secure life.
Of course I don’t have this.
Our friends who know about the affair don’t like what he did (and probably can’t understand why I have stayed). My husband no longer is the kindly, slightly grumpy, loving man I thought I had before. I have no self-esteem. I drink too much. I take Valium. I am really unhappy. But I am also really scared to live alone. I know it’s mad![/quote]
I think (affair aside) if my husband acted like yours such as sleeping in another room, cringing when I touch him, generally being an asshole then I'd rather be alone but with the added affair, the getting angry and gaslighting the I'd know I'd be better off alone - I'm not saying it'll be easy because it won't, but it'll get better - I can't imagine your marriage getting any better, it's clear you won't forget it especially with it being in your own home, you can't forgive (which again rightly so) so really, your only option is to leave and heal or live half a life, forever questioning yourself, feeling unloved and going insane inside your own head. The ball is in your court OP, you're in charge of your own actions and you need to do what you think is right for you. None of what we say matters, we're strangers on the internet who'll forget about this post tomorrow. This is your life and you need to decide what's best for you.

[quote Vwoolfssister]@anordinarymum I found out because he told me about it. They had just finished it apparently.
He said he did it because he was unhappy with me (news to me!) and she made him feel great.[/quote]
So he just chose to tell you out of the blue ? How awfully cruel. And then he wonders why you have gone half mad .

If it was over why did he feel the need to say so? I don't get the level of coldheartedness

[quote Vwoolfssister]@Anordinarymum he told me about it. They had decided to end it and so he thought he’d tell me about it. To clear the air or something.[/quote]
Seriously he did this? OMG I feel so sorry for you. He has injured you in the most appalling way possible and he is still doing so. That counsellor needs a slap too! Why should you accept and get over this? Why the bastard hell should you? He doesn't sound remotely even sorry!

You are allowed to end your marriage as a result of this. Yes 18 months has passed but absolutely nothing has been put in place that has actually helped you because it looks like the one person that could help you has no will to do so.

Please find anger OP. By being callous he is continuing to hammer a wound. Get legal advice and call it a day. He has ended the marriage in so many ways bar start proceedings. He might say with his mouth that he wants the marriage to continue but all of his actions scream the opposite. He didn't even end the affair because of you but for their own reasons! Hells teeth! Make 2021 the year you stop thinking these sould destroying thoughts. Any man that could conduct an affair in the marital home is not a prize to fight for. Mumsnetters here will walk you through it for months if need be. Get out. Be free. Shock him that you are done looking at his vile face.

I don’t know why he told me. I wish he hadn’t. Apparently OW was desperate to keep it a secret. My husband wrote to her and apologised for telling me and outing her. He told her it was because ending their affair made him break down mentally.

So he apologised to her? OMG. OP you seriously need to get angry

I am angry. That’s why I can’t stop raising the topic of his affair with him

I honestly think he has no respect for you, well he obviously didn't because he cheated and I think he still doesn't.

He has no care for your self-esteem or wellbeing.

I honestly understand that you're having triggers and then having a question pop into your head, then you feel a burning put in your stomach and you need to ask the question.

I think the way he is responding and just acting regardless isn't healthy and the way things are going is only more and more detrimental to both of you. How long are you going to give it ? How long of things continuing like this are you going accept ?

I think you should give yourself a deadline and if things haven't changed or there aren't serious efforts from him then call it a day and give yourself the time and love you need.

I did think at one point that he might have told me to bring it in the open so maybe she would then run back to him or something. But as soon as I knew she never contacted him again.

There is no way he has told you the truth about this.

That's why you feel like there has been a tectonic shift in your reality.

I think getting angry is wasted energy, he doesn't care whether youre angry, upset or whatever.

Take charge of this - if you really want to stay with this "man" then give him an ultimatum either you sit down and have a full calm conversation about the affair, he answers all of your questions without getting angry, without gaslighting and you sort it out and this is the one and only conversation you can have about it and you both move on or you leave - at least this way you'll have your answer.

He has twice mentioned that my knowing about the affair put paid to his ‘friendship’ with OW even though he told me. How effed up is that?!