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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Angry husband

171 replies

Vwoolfssister · 06/12/2020 23:41

My husband had an affair and we have stayed together. It’s been 18 months now and we have had counselling and a trial separation and a lot of ups and downs.
My problem is that although I try really hard to get over it, every now and then something triggers thoughts of the affair and I get upset and ask him about it and he gets really angry with me. He says I should be over it by now. OW has gone.
He says he’s been really understanding with me but he can’t talk about it any more, that I am using it to punish him all the time.
Now he’s angry today because I asked him something about the affair last night and so he spent today in bed saying he felt ill. He wouldn’t say good night to me. He kind of ‘bears it’ if I touch him or try to kiss him. He’s just gone to sleep in the spare room and when I asked why he said he feels sick. I feel so awful. Why can’t I put it behind me and just think of our relationship like he says.
I’m sabotaging things by bringing up his affair.

OP posts:
Cantdoitallperfectly · 07/12/2020 00:33

What was your relationship like before the affair? Was he affectionate then? I suspect guilt is a factor at play. I agree that you need to have space to deal with the questions that you have but bringing it up probably takes you both back to the very raw stage because it hasn’t been properly dealt with.

The marriage counsellor you saw sounds as if they were quite detrimental to the healing process.

Can you take some time out and think about what you want? It takes time and a massive effort to rebuild the trust and your DH has to commit to helping you achieve that.

Apileofballyhoo · 07/12/2020 00:37

Why did you stay together, OP? Is that what you both wanted?

GalaxyCookieCrumble · 07/12/2020 00:38

Why on earth did you stay with him for? Seriously he is vile, you don't need to get over it, you need to get rid of what's causing this, and that's your lying cheating husband.

Worriedandabitscared · 07/12/2020 00:42

It's not too late to leave him, life's too short to be with someone who makes you feel like this. HE cheated and he thinks you're affecting his mental health and feels he has a right to be angry? Is this really how you want to live your life? It'll be hard now but who knows you could meet someone who isn't a piece of shit or you may feel better in your own company - all I know is anything is better than this.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/12/2020 00:42

I’m sabotaging things by bringing up his affair.

BULLSHIT. He sabotaged your marriage by fucking another woman. His level of gaslighting you is absolutely unbelievable.

I'm sorry to be blunt, but your marriage is over, and you just haven't accepted it yet.

Original poster
Vwoolfssister · 07/12/2020 00:46

Oh he wanted to stay together. We have been married for over 20 years. I also wanted to. I was so devastated at first and shocked that I sort of clung to him if that makes sense. I was really frightened to be alone. God knows why. This is awful.
Every time I provoke him by mentioning OW it always ends with me making note to self that it’s a stupid move because it just makes him defensive and nasty and I am wrong footed again.
Sometimes it just overwhelmed me though. That he slept all night with another woman in my bed.

OP posts:
Worriedandabitscared · 07/12/2020 00:47

Genuine question is this how you want to live for the next twenty years?

Original poster
Vwoolfssister · 07/12/2020 00:48

Not just once. He won’t say how often but if his affair lasted 14 months and I was away at least once a week that’s a lot of times.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 07/12/2020 00:49

@Worriedandabitscared

Genuine question is this how you want to live for the next twenty years?
This is what I was going to ask. It looks like they have reached a stalemate and nothing will resolve this. What a bad way to live
Original poster
Vwoolfssister · 07/12/2020 00:49

No @Worriedandabitscared
But if I could accept it and move forward won’t it be ok? That’s what I’m told.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 07/12/2020 00:50

@Vwoolfssister

No *@Worriedandabitscared* But if I could accept it and move forward won’t it be ok? That’s what I’m told.
What do you want from him OP
Original poster
Vwoolfssister · 07/12/2020 00:53

@Anordinarymum I want him to make it alright. I want him to convince me that it was a mistake and he’s sorry and that he loves me and he’ll do anything to make it right.

OP posts:
Worriedandabitscared · 07/12/2020 00:54

But you're not going to get over it and rightly so and even if somehow you did (personally I never could) then he still did it and nothings going to change that. Having the affair didn't make him angry and it didn't affect his mental health, he's gaslighting you. I might have given different advice if he had remorse and was there for you and to talk through all these worries for you, if he genuinely made a mistake he'd do anything to make you feel better but he isn't, he's expecting you to just carry on and play happy families, he's a vile manipulative gaslighting man and you're going to spend the rest of your life thinking about what he did if you stay together. Personally I'd leave and heal that way, id rather be alone than put up with this.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh but it's because I genuinely don't want this life for you, I don't even know you and know you don't deserve this.

HelenUrth · 07/12/2020 00:55

You can't be expected to accept it if he doesn't ever show an understanding of the damage that has been done to you.
He sounds like a totally self centred arse with no respect for you.
The sooner you give up on him, the sooner you start living life on your own terms. I think you would benefit from a counsellor who is looking out for your interests. Joint counselling with someone like this is disastrous.
He doesn't care about you, so you need to put yourself first.

WhatKatyDidNxt · 07/12/2020 00:56

Why is there lots of pressure on you to forgive and forget? I bet he wouldn’t if you had done the same. Your counsellor sounds shit by the way. Your husband doesn’t sound sorry, just sorry he got found out

He wanted both of you, that’s lovely isn’t it. What l say to my fiancé when he says something ridiculous is “that’s nice dear”, accompanied by much eye rolling

LaBodDelMed · 07/12/2020 00:57

@Vwoolfssister

No *@Worriedandabitscared* But if I could accept it and move forward won’t it be ok? That’s what I’m told.
But isn’t that what you’ve been trying to do since the affair ended?
ShizeItsWeegie · 07/12/2020 00:57

It's not surprise you are not over it. He is behaving as if he is your victim and doing nothing to help you heal from this.
Are you sure you don't want to separate from him OP? He sounds like he doesn't give a crap about the marriage but just wants you to be the one to call time. Call time and tell everyone why and be happy away from him.

ShizeItsWeegie · 07/12/2020 00:57

An affair conducted in your own home I would never be able to forgive.
Sorry if that's unhelpful

LaBodDelMed · 07/12/2020 00:59

Sounds like your husband thinks it should be relatively easy for you just to be able to deal with it and move on. Sadly not, sunshine. And it actually sounds like he is making the situation worse, not better.
Are you maybe flogging a dead horse?

Anordinarymum · 07/12/2020 01:00

[quote Vwoolfssister]@Anordinarymum I want him to make it alright. I want him to convince me that it was a mistake and he’s sorry and that he loves me and he’ll do anything to make it right.[/quote]
And he just wants you to forget it and carry on as if nothing happened. He wants a cosy life and does not want to lose anything but you chipping away at him makes him ill/depressed.

He is not thinking of you is he. It's as if you are not allowed to have feelings.
Can I ask how you found out about it Op

Aquamarine1029 · 07/12/2020 01:02

I want him to convince me that it was a mistake and he’s sorry and that he loves me and he’ll do anything to make it right.

Your husband sleeps in another room, he doesn't want you touching him, he doesn't want to spend time with you, and best of all, he thinks your difficulty in moving past his betrayal is solely your problem.

He will never do anything to try and "make it right."

Original poster
Vwoolfssister · 07/12/2020 01:05

@ShizeItsWeegie it’s not unhelpful. It’s one of the reasons I get triggered all the time. I get overwhelming thoughts of them eating at the table and deciding it was time to go to bed. I get upset by everything basically.
I was upset last week because he asked if I wanted to choose my own Xmas present. I thought - I bet he couldn’t wait to choose a present for OW. In the end he bought me some expensive jewellery. I don’t know why. I didn’t ask for it or even want it really.

OP posts:
Harleyquinniwish · 07/12/2020 01:07

He’s not in the position to be angry
How dare he
You’re grieving for the relationship you had, the trust - he has to co operate to fix that, if it what you both want.
If you have decided to forgive, then you have to truly forgive, and move past that time x

Original poster
Vwoolfssister · 07/12/2020 01:08

@Anordinarymum he told me about it. They had decided to end it and so he thought he’d tell me about it. To clear the air or something.

OP posts:
Apileofballyhoo · 07/12/2020 01:08

It seems like he isn't really sorry and feels like he's done you a favour by choosing you over her. I think if he was really sorry he wouldn't be angry when you ask questions/are upset. And deep down you know he isn't sorry, because he doesn't behave as if he is. He hasn't tried to win you back, he doesn't reassure you, he doesn't say he loves you, he Judy gets angry. I wonder if he does love you.