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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Angry husband

171 replies

Vwoolfssister · 06/12/2020 23:41

My husband had an affair and we have stayed together. It’s been 18 months now and we have had counselling and a trial separation and a lot of ups and downs.
My problem is that although I try really hard to get over it, every now and then something triggers thoughts of the affair and I get upset and ask him about it and he gets really angry with me. He says I should be over it by now. OW has gone.
He says he’s been really understanding with me but he can’t talk about it any more, that I am using it to punish him all the time.
Now he’s angry today because I asked him something about the affair last night and so he spent today in bed saying he felt ill. He wouldn’t say good night to me. He kind of ‘bears it’ if I touch him or try to kiss him. He’s just gone to sleep in the spare room and when I asked why he said he feels sick. I feel so awful. Why can’t I put it behind me and just think of our relationship like he says.
I’m sabotaging things by bringing up his affair.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 07/12/2020 01:47

Can I ask OP What is your situation? Do you own your home and do you have money of your own/a job etc, because if this were me and I were living like this I would be looking at options.

He was not thinking of your welfare when he told you was he? I am of the mind that she ended it.

Original poster
Vwoolfssister · 07/12/2020 01:52

Oh I am totally ok for money etc. I have always had my own career. I have savings and pensions. I even have a little holiday house I could move in to. He will be nasty though about all the money side of it all. And I sort of don’t see why I should move out of this house Altho obvs I now hate it because tainted by being their shag pad.

OP posts:
Sally2791 · 07/12/2020 01:53

It’s sounds as though he thinks he holds all the cards. He chose to have the affair, he/they chose to end it, he chose to tell you, he chose to stay( as long as you deal with it on his terms...
maybe it’s time to exercise some choice of your own? He’s not,and will not become, a loving caring husband.

PerveenMistry · 07/12/2020 01:58

@Worriedandabitscared

Genuine question is this how you want to live for the next twenty years?
OP sounds incredibly dependent.

This situation is toxic and is not going to improve. I wouldn't waste my one precious life on it.

He's with you out of guilt, not love. And it was martyrish to attend the works funeral. Is that what you want your one and only life to represent?

Anordinarymum · 07/12/2020 01:59

By telling you did he think by being honest it would solve things because it smacks to me of utter selfishness. He was unhappy so he made you unhappy and you grieved for a marriage that was ended the day he told you about it.
You need to move on. I don't know how old you are but don't let age stop you from living a happy life away from somebody who does not deserve you

ShizeItsWeegie · 07/12/2020 02:03

So he only told you about the affair because he was suffering in the head at the loss of her. It doesn't get more fucked up than that!

LilyLongJohn · 07/12/2020 02:18

If he hasn't been completely open and honest with you about it, how on earth are you ever going to get over it, trust me, you won't.

I could have written your post op, I lasted 3 years until the marriage broke down completely, I wish I'd left there and then, I ended up hating and resenting him.

As for his behaviour this weekend, that's shocking. You aren't sabotaging anything, he is being a prick, blaming you, feigning illness, ignoring you, withholding affection, staying in bed. That's abusive tactics

MsDogLady · 07/12/2020 06:13

He is the one who has sabotaged the marriage with his heinous behavior, not you.

You had a very inadequate couples counselor who did you a great disservice. Many relationship therapists estimate that it can take 2-5 years for the betrayed partner to recover and regain trust, and that is with a truly remorseful partner who provides empathy, transparency, open access, and a sincere willingness to answer questions and take all the anger and tears whenever they come.

Your H doesn’t get to decide the timeline for your healing. It is not surprising that post-affair he is being cold, callous and mean-spirited. This is the same despicable man who humiliated you by carrying on with your ‘friend’ in your own house and bed. He cheated and defiled your home, and now he manipulates and punishes you because you are (naturally) still traumatized. He does not love you or care that you are suffering.

If you are determined to stay, you will need the support of individual counseling, as living with this cruel man in that house will cause you untold torment. Personally, I would never respect, trust or feel safe with him again, so I would end things asap.

Pyewhacket · 07/12/2020 06:30

You sound like my sister. Despite all the pleading to try again she didn't really mean it. She kept on picking at that scab until it was all she ever thought about. Eventually he realised she had no intention of letting it go and left. He moved on pretty quickly but she keeps banging-on about him.

BackwardsGoing · 07/12/2020 06:48

I think you need to separate. Don't make any final decisions, just live apart for a while and see how you feel.

And get a different therapist!

Shoxfordian · 07/12/2020 06:59

Hope you got some sleep. You're the one who should be angry, not him, he should be doing everything he can to reassure you and try to make you happy. Don't stay in this unhappy marriage op, you deserve better

dabbadabbadoooo · 07/12/2020 07:09

Op you ain't sabotaging anything . He done that when he was sleeping with another women in your house . For somone to do that is lower than low in my books . My friend was cheating on her partner and obviously I thought how bad she was but then she took the other man to her house when her partner was away and it turned me sick . Personally I counsnt get over what he did . I have been through it . Even moved us away to get away from it all and it actually worked until we went back home and it just brought everything back . I left after 4 years of trying again .

TR888 · 07/12/2020 07:10

For me, the main issue is that he doesn't seem to love you (sorry xx). The sleeping in another room, not wanting you to touch him - all bad signs, I'm afraid. He's not acting in a loving way to win your trust back, which I think might mean he's not actually bothered about wherever you live him or not.

I think the OW broke the relationship and he was bitter - could he have told you as a way to punish the OW, by spreading the news? Affairs always reflect worse on women than men, unfortunately.

If he doesn't love you, why do you think you should stay with him? For me, the issue is less the affair per se and more your husband's lack of love for you.

Take control.

TwilightSkies · 07/12/2020 07:12

Staying with him is messing with your head. It’s really unhealthy. Cut your losses and move on. Life is far too short to be this miserable!

rosabug · 07/12/2020 07:21

@Pyewhacket

You sound like my sister. Despite all the pleading to try again she didn't really mean it. She kept on picking at that scab until it was all she ever thought about. Eventually he realised she had no intention of letting it go and left. He moved on pretty quickly but she keeps banging-on about him.
"Picking at the scab" "banging on about him" - charming. Your poor sister. And I don't just mean her ex partner.
KatherineJaneway · 07/12/2020 07:29

It sounds like your marriage is already over, it's just neither of you wishes to pull the plug yet Flowers

Original poster
Vwoolfssister · 07/12/2020 07:39

Thank you all for your kind advice.
@PerveenMistry I know it seems odd that I went to the funeral but I didn’t really have much choice as the widow is a friend of mine and she asked me (she doesn’t know about the affair).
@Pyewhacket that does sound like me well a bit. Sometimes I think that I am trying to make him leave so I don’t have to make a decision.
@LilyLongJohn yes I can see this could easily go the way your relationship did (sorry you experienced this hideousness too).
It turns out to my surprise that I am uttterly emotionally dependent on my husband. We met when we were very young and have been together for many years. I thought we had reached a good place (that’s a joke) in our lives together, that we would get old and enjoy more time together and look after each other. We were going to sell up and buy a house in the country for us to move to (we are nearing retirement age now) before all this chaos happened.
That’s why his revelation about the affair was such a shock. I really had no idea. In hindsight I can see all the signs were there but at the time I just thought ‘oh he’s under pressure at work’ or ‘he’s worried about my illness and that’s why he seems a bit callous’.
He still thinks we are going to sell everything and buy this country house and live there as we planned. It’s so confusing. Why does he want to do this with me now? It’s like he thinks it was just a blip and can be easily forgotten.
I am fed up that I still have outbursts about OW and affair. I want to be stronger and able to hold it in and decide calmly the best thing for me.
I feel so weak though. I can’t make decisions. I still start crying at random times. I can’t bear the thought he’ll decide to walk out although I can see that’s mad because it’s what I’m goading him to do!
What a mess.

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 07/12/2020 07:41

He shudders when you touch him? He won't kiss you? The councillor said you need to accept he loves her?

No no HELL NO

You dont need to live like this

TwilightSkies · 07/12/2020 07:43

You need to focus on yourself. Counselling, hobbies, doing things you enjoy, building your confidence and resilience. Make that your top priority for moe. Step out into the world as your own person, instead of being so attached to someone else. Who are you without him? Without that relationship dynamic?

rosabug · 07/12/2020 07:43

There's a reason you can't accept it. Listen to that voice. Respect your feelings.

As someone who's 23 year relationship ended after an affair I can tell you that fear keeps relationships like this going. Fear of the relationship ending. I had known my ex for much longer than 23 years - since we were 21. He was everything to me. The ending of that relationship was the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. I wanted to save it - he decided he didn't eventually.

3 years on I can now see we should have ended it sooner. That living like a half person trying to keep something afloat that is done is far worse thing. And I will never let ANYONE make me feel bad about myself again. The quiet power in that is wonderful.

I'm going to be frank here. Your relationship is over and you need to accept it. Your husband is being a coward and treating you shamefully. It's eating your dignity. It's fear of the unknown and co-dependance that is keeping you stuck. All I can say is it will be okay and you will find a better relationship, but not with someone else - with yourself. In the end that's all we have - ourselves.

Get a good counsellor for yourself NOW - shop around - people don't realise you should do this with therapists, if you have money - pay. I've had 4 great ones and 5 rubbish ones (which I left after a few sessions in all cases) over the course of my life.

Cut the drink etc. My break-up prop was smoking. Packed that in eventually.

Next time you feel in despair, remember this:

The way out is through the door.

notapizzaeater · 07/12/2020 07:48

I'd rip the sticking plaster off - yes it's going to be hard, but it's hard now. You dont need him to bring you down all the time. I would have to sell the house and get my own 'clean' space.

Crapbuttrue · 07/12/2020 07:50

It sounds like he told you about the affair because he was upset it ended. He wanted you to feel as shit as he does.

The dealbreaker would be that he can't bear to be touched by you. That's says an awful lot.

How did you choose your counsellor? I think you need another. Just you. And make plans to get him out of your life.

Dizzy1234 · 07/12/2020 07:55

Did "they" end it or did she end it?
Was he hurt and angry that she ended it and came clean to you so he could take his hurt and anger out on someone, you.
He's implying that you're responsible for him no longer having a friendship with OW as he decided to tell you about the affair and then obviously told OW that you knew, why did he do that, was he hoping to force her hand so she'd run off with him.
He's angry at you, doesn't want to be touched by you, blames you for his mental health.
In reality he's angry as his cosy set up has come to an end and he needs someone to blame.
As for the counsellor I'd totally ignore that moron, he need reporting, what a load of spiteful nonsense, he sounds bloody dangerous.
Oh OP, please leave this price of shit "D" H, he's got you running around like a headless chicken and the reality is you're entirely blameless.
Please love yourself more and leave him, ❤️

DillonPanthersTexas · 07/12/2020 08:06

rosabug

In fairness though if you want to stay in your marriage and make it work at some point you have to draw a line under the affair and not keep bringing it. There needs to be full disclosure at first, questions answered, counselling, forgiveness, changes in behaviours, possibly even jobs and where you live. But once you have decided to move on you can't keep revisiting the affair. That does not mean that you as an individual forget, just that if you truely forgive someone you have to give them a chance to move on as well. I personally could not do that, but you are on hiding to nothing if you insist on staying together yet not moving forward.

dottiedodah · 07/12/2020 08:08

I think you need some more Counselling with a better Counsellor! That one sounds shit .Why did he tell you ? To make himself feel better.It all seems to be about him doesnt it ,how he feels ,what he wants .Fuck that you are important too.I think give it 6 months see a better Counsellor then decide if you want to stay together.