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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Angry husband

171 replies

Vwoolfssister · 06/12/2020 23:41

My husband had an affair and we have stayed together. It’s been 18 months now and we have had counselling and a trial separation and a lot of ups and downs.
My problem is that although I try really hard to get over it, every now and then something triggers thoughts of the affair and I get upset and ask him about it and he gets really angry with me. He says I should be over it by now. OW has gone.
He says he’s been really understanding with me but he can’t talk about it any more, that I am using it to punish him all the time.
Now he’s angry today because I asked him something about the affair last night and so he spent today in bed saying he felt ill. He wouldn’t say good night to me. He kind of ‘bears it’ if I touch him or try to kiss him. He’s just gone to sleep in the spare room and when I asked why he said he feels sick. I feel so awful. Why can’t I put it behind me and just think of our relationship like he says.
I’m sabotaging things by bringing up his affair.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 07/12/2020 13:22

@Vwoolfssister

I can’t get over him being with OW in our house and her staying here all night (I was working away) and I asked him if he had to persuade her to come here.
Wow! No wonder you're not 'over it'

Did he ever really explain/apologise or does he just expect to brush it all under the carpet and move on?

Nanny0gg · 07/12/2020 13:24

@Vwoolfssister

We had counselling. It was awful. The counsellor just kept telling me I had to accept that my husband loved this woman and that didn’t make him a bad person. It made me feel suicidal.
That wasn't therapy!

Don't know what it was but I hope they don't belong to a professional body (and if they do, report them!)

Colourmeclear · 07/12/2020 13:24

Do you think he would do it again? He hasn't shown any remorse or regret so I imagine you've had no closure.

Counseling by yourself could be very useful. The focus should be on you and your needs and what you need now. If you let him into that process then you'll just get lost in making it about him.

Nanny0gg · 07/12/2020 13:26

[quote Vwoolfssister]@Anordinarymum I want him to make it alright. I want him to convince me that it was a mistake and he’s sorry and that he loves me and he’ll do anything to make it right.[/quote]
Sorry, it really doesn't look like he will.

Did the OW's husband take her back?

Nanny0gg · 07/12/2020 13:29

@Vwoolfssister

Thank you all for your kind advice. *@PerveenMistry* I know it seems odd that I went to the funeral but I didn’t really have much choice as the widow is a friend of mine and she asked me (she doesn’t know about the affair). *@Pyewhacket* that does sound like me well a bit. Sometimes I think that I am trying to make him leave so I don’t have to make a decision. *@LilyLongJohn* yes I can see this could easily go the way your relationship did (sorry you experienced this hideousness too). It turns out to my surprise that I am uttterly emotionally dependent on my husband. We met when we were very young and have been together for many years. I thought we had reached a good place (that’s a joke) in our lives together, that we would get old and enjoy more time together and look after each other. We were going to sell up and buy a house in the country for us to move to (we are nearing retirement age now) before all this chaos happened. That’s why his revelation about the affair was such a shock. I really had no idea. In hindsight I can see all the signs were there but at the time I just thought ‘oh he’s under pressure at work’ or ‘he’s worried about my illness and that’s why he seems a bit callous’. He still thinks we are going to sell everything and buy this country house and live there as we planned. It’s so confusing. Why does he want to do this with me now? It’s like he thinks it was just a blip and can be easily forgotten. I am fed up that I still have outbursts about OW and affair. I want to be stronger and able to hold it in and decide calmly the best thing for me. I feel so weak though. I can’t make decisions. I still start crying at random times. I can’t bear the thought he’ll decide to walk out although I can see that’s mad because it’s what I’m goading him to do! What a mess.
Please find a decent counselor who will be there for you and help you make sense of your feelings and to come to a decision that suits you.

You really are young enough to make a new start and be happy.

It seems to me he's punishing you because you won't let him have the OW in his life so he can carry on quite happily with the best of both worlds.

Biscuitsanddoombar · 07/12/2020 13:36

Op you say you dont want to be alone but lovey you are alone in all the ways that matter

he is physically present but emotionally he's checked out

when my mum left my dad she said to me "there's nothing more lonely than being alone whilst you're with someone" and I agree

He cant give you what you want and the clock cant be turned back

dont do this to yourself, you're clearly both unhappy, take control and end it, it will be for the best for both of you. You cant live like this

Weirdfan · 07/12/2020 13:37

Totally agree that individual counselling for you is a good idea, hopefully with a view to feeling strong enough to leave him if I'm being brutally honest OP. I think the only way to get past an affair is for the guilty party to make pretty much all the effort to fix what they broke and it doesn't sound like he's done much at all other than shut you down and refuse to allow you to work through your feelings. It's him stopping you getting past it though, not you. It needs full disclosure from him and the scope for you to ask all those questions going round in your head and have him answer them honestly if you stand any chance of staying together and it's him preventing that from happening.

ElspethFlashman · 07/12/2020 13:39

Just to clarify he doesn’t actually shudder when I touch him (I’m not an actual leper), he just looks miserable and embarrassed

I'm guessing there is no intimacy left in the marriage?

Original poster
Vwoolfssister · 07/12/2020 13:41

I have arranged to see a counsellor now.
The couples counsellor was a man and old and I think he definitely sided with my husband. He was also v unprofessional. He told me he’d looked us and OW up on the internet and was surprised that she is not that attractive. Mind you it would have been worse if he’d said he thought she was gorgeous! It was like he thought it was all a jolly soap opera put on for his entertainment.
I stopped going to him after 3 sessions.
I don’t think my husband would do it again @colourmeclear. Well maybe if OW reappeared but that doesn’t seem likely as she cut him off dead as soon as he told her I knew.
I’m going to do the counselling and concentrate on me for a while and try and clear my head. My husband wasn’t angry when he got up today, just subdued and keen to tell me that he had felt ill and that’s why he had switched rooms in the night. I’m going to go to the holiday house this weekend and stay for a while. Annoyingly we have 5 people coming for Xmas lunch so I’ll have to go home to get ready for that.
That’s the other thing that upsets me - I have nothing to look forward to. I used to love Xmas and having family over etc now I just dread it because I think that he spent 2 Christmases in love with OW texting her all the time and following her on Instagram and liking all her photos. God! He just acts as if none of it happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vwoolfssister · 07/12/2020 13:49

@Nanny0gg OW husband took her back. He has never contacted me or my husband. He knows my husband very well they are old friends and work in the same industry. He and OW have been to parties and barbecues with us and they stayed at our house once about 5 years ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vwoolfssister · 07/12/2020 13:50

@ElspethFlashman er yes there is. He’s keen on sex and this was the case during his affair.

OP posts:
ShizeItsWeegie · 07/12/2020 14:31

You need an STD check ASAP OP

Original poster
Vwoolfssister · 07/12/2020 14:36

I’ve been through all that @ShizeItsWeegie

OP posts:
WiseOwlWan · 07/12/2020 15:01

Wow, that counsellor sounds shit !

skeemee · 07/12/2020 16:39

@Vwoolfssister hi Op. have you posted before? Maybe when you first found out about the affair? Your story sounds v familiar. Did he employ OW as a highly paid consultant in his business? Went for lots of romantic walks, and told you how “lovely” she was. He was gutted when OW dropped him like a rock, because he didn’t expect that behaviour from someone so “lovely”. He pined for her?

Regardless of this, I think he just sounds like a deluded selfish old idiot. He keeps trying to hurt you to make himself feel better.

I echo what pp have said, find a better counsellor. Yours sounds bloody awful! Was it arranged through church or something?

Glad you are getting away for a while to your little cottage. I would ask guests to come for Xmas there instead. DH should fend for himself. Do you have children?

JovialNickname · 07/12/2020 17:53

I don't know if this is a useless comment ( it probably is) and I don't have any experience of your situation. But might some kind of solution be if you set aside a couple of hours at a regular time each week for you to ask him any questions you have about his affair - which he has to answer honestly - and also for you to voice how you're feeling about things? Then the rest of the time don't bring the subject up, and try to focus on the future. As I can understand he can't feel like he's being punished forever, that's no life. And I also understand he broke your marriage vows and the fact that your heart is in pieces is his fault. But you have to find some way to reconcile these two things and find happiness going forward, if staying together is what you want to do.

Original poster
Vwoolfssister · 07/12/2020 22:57

thank you @JovialNickname
I think this would have been a good idea but we are past that now because he says I've asked him everything and he's answered. I think the only way forward now is to say nothing, keep all my unhappiness in (except with counsellor), bide my time and make plans just for me.
Pretty sure my marriage is smashed, but want to come out of it in best way.
Thanks to you all. You have confirmed he is not behaving well or kindly.
He's going to be really furious if I refuse to go and live with him in his rural palace though. not much looking forward to that.

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 07/12/2020 23:05

OW in your house?????? Sorry that would be the kiss of death for me. You don't have to get over it. You don't have to stay with him. The trust would be gone for me.

wewereliars · 07/12/2020 23:27

You deserve better than this. From what you've said she ended it, he was hurt and angry and is angry with you for not being her. Find your anger and choose a better future for yourself. He is not worth it and you can have a much better life on your own xx

Lardlizard · 07/12/2020 23:29

Sounds like it’s time
To bin him

Bluemooninmyeyes1 · 07/12/2020 23:44

I can’t believe he’s angry with you, what have you done wrong here? He should be grovelling after you, how lucky is he that you’ve given him a second chance as many people leave their partners/file for divorces because of infidelity. The fact that he just expects you to get over it, not discuss it and just pretend it never happened is incredibly pathetic and immature. OP, you deserve much, much better and please don’t let this man try and turn the blame around on you. I wonder if he’s doing this to make himself feel less guilty.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/12/2020 23:48

Retain a shit bit solicitor immediately and don't tell your fuckwit of a husband anything. As soon as Christmas is over bring down the hammer.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/12/2020 23:48

Haha. Shit HOT solicitor.

EarthSight · 08/12/2020 00:31

Every time I read mire about him I think he's more & more of a twat.

There is a price to having an affair. I'm sure he didn't imagine he'd have to pay one. The price is that you need to show endless patience and provide reassurance & comfort when you partner brings it up years afterwards. He doesn't get to have a say when the expiry date on that will be! Sorry! There is no 'Well you should be over this now'!, as if there was something wrong with you. Affairs can deeply damage people. You have the right to be upset. He's being unsympathetic unempathic by shutting you down with anger and claims you are affecting his mental health!! He just doesn't want to pay the price, the real cost of what he did.

I think it's time for you both to move on. When you do, I think you will find that these recurring thoughts no longer have such a hold on you.

UniversalAunt · 08/12/2020 00:41

I have not yet read through the whole thread, not sure I can...

Why are you with this man?

He’s betrayed you, broken your trust, & sabotaged the sanctity & security of your own home. Now he thinks that you should be ‘over it’ & he should have a free path.

Somewhere in your grief for what you have lost (including the marriage that you thought you had) & your overwhelming self-pity lies lurking your pride, self-respect & rage at what he has done to you.

Let your anger out to fuel your escape from this misery & heartless marriage.

Quit the whimpering at him, he ain’t gonna change or budge for you. Get your inner roar on & get on outta there.