Angry husband

[Vwoolfssister]

My husband had an affair and we have stayed together. It’s been 18 months now and we have had counselling and a trial separation and a lot of ups and downs.
My problem is that although I try really hard to get over it, every now and then something triggers thoughts of the affair and I get upset and ask him about it and he gets really angry with me. He says I should be over it by now. OW has gone.
He says he’s been really understanding with me but he can’t talk about it any more, that I am using it to punish him all the time.
Now he’s angry today because I asked him something about the affair last night and so he spent today in bed saying he felt ill. He wouldn’t say good night to me. He kind of ‘bears it’ if I touch him or try to kiss him. He’s just gone to sleep in the spare room and when I asked why he said he feels sick. I feel so awful. Why can’t I put it behind me and just think of our relationship like he says.
I’m sabotaging things by bringing up his affair.

@Aquamarine1029 has it - shit hot specialist family law solicitor.

The Law Society listing will give you said family law specialist in your area. solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

Hit the phone & get an initial consultation booked NOW as divorce lawyers tend to be very busy after Christmas holidays !

Now I have read through all the posts, & @Vwoolfssister your strength & more confident voice is coming through.

Great idea to go away for a while.

I honestly don’t think there is a future in this relationship. Your trust has gone and his betrayal runs very deep with you. I really feel for you but I think you need to let him go and start afresh. Hard as that is it will free you from this torturous existence. He has ruined your relationship

He doesn't sound remotely sorry and he doesn't sound as if he's in love with you and wants things to be sorted.
He does however, come across as cold and uncaring towards you and that he just expects you to forgive and forget.
I wonder if he'd have that same thought process if it had been you that had the affair and slept with another man in his bed???
I somehow doubt it!

Do you have children at home OP?

He still thinks we are going to sell everything and buy this country house and live there as we planned. It’s so confusing. Why does he want to do this with me now? It’s like he thinks it was just a blip and can be easily forgotten.

He thinks you will always be there for him to fall back on, whatever he does and however he acts.

He still thinks we are going to sell everything and buy this country house and live there as we planned. It’s so confusing. Why does he want to do this with me now? It’s like he thinks it was just a blip and can be easily forgotten

OP, in the gentlest way, he doesn't actually want this life with you. He is "STUCK" in this life with you. The fucking idiot thinks a life with the OW would be all magical ad romance and lots of sex and god knows what else, but she didn't want him, and now he's sulking and mad that he's "stuck" with the life he's been "left with". Men like this are utter cowards - they often treat the partner they're left with like shit because they want the partner to leave them so that they can have the "poor me, my wife left me!" narrative and they are too cowardly to be the one to end it. He isn't truly sorry. You are waiting for him to behave remorsefully but this never going to happen. This is your new reality, and that old life is now gone, to ever. You will never, ever get it back.

My beloved husband of 20 years cheated on me, multiple times. It took me years before I stop waking sobbing from horrific nightmares about him and them. It took years before every tiny seemingly innocent thing would stop giving me horrendous flashbacks. And that was with his full openness and never becoming angry at my constant need to know every detail. It was utterly horrific and I think more so because like.you I was utterly emotionally dependant on him.

What was hard was coming to realise that old life was dead. Our old relationship was dead. It's like coming to have to live as someone else and try to learn to relove this man who is now a stranger. I could never, ever have tried if my husband had behaved like yours is. OP, I know you said you won't, but truly, I'm so glad for you that you have your own money. You'll be okay, you truly will. But that life you had with him is dead and gone and he doesn't want it back or to even try and help his wife heal from what he's done. He's so lacking in love or empathy like you he treats you like an inconvenience.

*for you.bloody phone.

I suspect he'll treat the move to the rural palace as proof that you've forgiven him and forgotten and then when you haven't (why should you?) It will be another thing for him rage over.

It’s a bit like Tom Jones with his wife. He got to go shagging his way around the world, whilst she stayed at home doing the “good wife” thing. That’s what your husband is looking for.

That’s why he wants to buy the country house with you whilst still seeing OW (and probably others).

The counsellor just kept telling me I had to accept that my husband loved this woman and that didn’t make him a bad person. It made me feel suicidal

That is a totally rubbish counsellor. Did you tell him/her that it made you feel suicidal?

Grief takes a long time, your husband sounds like he still doesn’t understand or want to take responsibility for the consequences of his actions.

I would get the shit got lawyer and tell him/her your H is expecting to sell the house soon.

Don’t move to the middle of nowhere with him. You don’t want to be stuck in a small village away from friends and family and no support.

If he wants that he can find something with his portion of the divorce settlement.

OP,

You focus on you.
Get your finances sorted.

I remember reading about a woman who had been betrayed by her husband and she waited until they sold their home for a great price and THEN instigated divorce proceedings.
Assests were clear and she got a very fair settlement.
Her husband didn't know what hit him. He didn't know that she knew about his affair.

Stop asking questions.
What difference does it make.
Your husband is an absolute pig.
Bring his OW into YOUR home.

Focus on your life and future.
String him along regarding his dream and drop him like a stone the minute it suits you.

He doesn't deserve you.

This is so awful op. I really feel for you. He has really done a big number on you. First step is to find a new counsellor - that man should not be giving out advise.
Your marriage is over op- it's dead and long gone. I hope you find the strength to one day see this. You are torturing yourself staying with him.
A harsh truth is that he seems to be with you for reasons besides actually wanting you.
He brought her to your home- that level of cruel is something else. You won't ever get through this.
At the bare minimum he could give two shits at even pretending to be sorry.
I hope you find the strength to leave him and find peace for yourself. X

My concern would be he doesn’t want divorce as will hit him hard financially 🙄. So it’s not that he particularly wants to be married but he doesn’t want to get divorced, lose his home comforts. Sorry hope I’m wrong

I suspect that may be the case @MsTSwift

I'm so sorry to say this but if the OW hadn't have ended things so she could give her own marriage a second chance and had said to your DH "let's leave our spouses and be together" then your DH would have been off like a shot with her with no regard for you.

I wonder if he only told you because he was scared her DH might contact you?

He's still in love with her,gets angry with you and still wants to be friends with her?

You say you have the resources to leave,I'd say as devastating as that might be for you to end your marriage your current situation is also destroying you.

Get yourself a counsellor to talk about how your feeling and a damn good solicitor.

So to summarise :
He had an affair.
All the current difficulties in your marriage are your fault.
Que??!!

@popsydoodle4444 I kind of wish they had gone off together. It would have been very painful but I could have just got on and divorced him and started a new life. Agreeing to give him a second chance has turned out to be v difficult and painful too. I can see that bringing up the affair does no good and I don’t want to keep doing it, but I just get overwhelmed with the thoughts of it at times. It would be nice if he could be more understanding that I am struggling but he’s just terribly self pitying and defensive. The truth is that I am probably too hurt to stay in this marriage.

OP, it might help during your individual counselling to read about Cognitive Dissonance.

It sounds as though you're suffering emotional stress because of the leap your brain is trying to constantly make between two positions. The first position is accepting of his betrayal and not discussing it again. The second position is where you are incredibly hurt by his repeated and calculated betrayal.

You are trying to make yourself believe in position one... when your emotions are feeling position two. It's really emotionally damaging and isn't going to make you anything but unhappy. It's betraying yourself. Your DH absolutely wants you to carry on pretending in position one, it gets him off the hook of being responsible for his actions and puts the blame on you if you can't 'believe' in this. He doesn't care that pretending to believe in this position hurts you further.

You can't keep pretending something is not what it is.

Sounds like death by a thousands cuts.

Take control of your happiness and leave. You’ve tried. It’s not working. You deserve better. You will find someone better than your husband and who deserves you. There isn’t one person for everyone no matter how long you’ve been together

Oh OP, I was you 9 years ago and I’m sorry to tell you that it didn’t get any better. I only kicked him out when he did it again. We went to relate and the counsellor told me that I had to take responsibility for prioritising the kids and having a demanding job! 🙄 In reality he was an abusive arsehole! A year later I found a message to yet another female friend where he was slagging me off and he did it again 2 years after that. My only regret is not kicking him out the first time. It was a 20 year relationship but I can honestly say that despite my fears, I am much happier now. You deserve better and you will be happier.