Angry husband

[Vwoolfssister]

My husband had an affair and we have stayed together. It’s been 18 months now and we have had counselling and a trial separation and a lot of ups and downs.
My problem is that although I try really hard to get over it, every now and then something triggers thoughts of the affair and I get upset and ask him about it and he gets really angry with me. He says I should be over it by now. OW has gone.
He says he’s been really understanding with me but he can’t talk about it any more, that I am using it to punish him all the time.
Now he’s angry today because I asked him something about the affair last night and so he spent today in bed saying he felt ill. He wouldn’t say good night to me. He kind of ‘bears it’ if I touch him or try to kiss him. He’s just gone to sleep in the spare room and when I asked why he said he feels sick. I feel so awful. Why can’t I put it behind me and just think of our relationship like he says.
I’m sabotaging things by bringing up his affair.

He cheated, and HE is angry at YOU?

You need to find your anger and your self-respect. He doesn’t even want you to touch him. Is this what you would want for your daughter/sister/best friend?

You sound like my sister. Despite all the pleading to try again she didn't really mean it. She kept on picking at that scab until it was all she ever thought about. Eventually he realised she had no intention of letting it go and left. He moved on pretty quickly but she keeps banging-on about him

You sound absolutely awful. No wonder your sister tried to stay with the cheating POS, if that is the sort of support she got from her own family.

I don't know why you would bother staying in a relationship with this man. He gets angry with you that you're not a robot. He's not sympathetic to your feelings. He's not scared he'll lose you if he doesn't show you understanding and sympathy. He doesn't feel he owes it to you. Nope. He gets angry with you.

It's not compulsory to be in a relationship. It's not like a job.

@Vwoolfssister

I said to my husband - why do you want me anyway? You didn’t want me when you had OW and then I was a happy, normal sort of woman. Now I’m a basket case what’s the attraction?

You can get back to that happy woman, but not with him.

My concern would be he doesn’t want divorce as will hit him hard financially 🙄. So it’s not that he particularly wants to be married but he doesn’t want to get divorced, lose his home comforts. Sorry hope I’m wrong.

Strangely as I know it makes very little sense, but to me it sounds like he told you hoping in some way you would feel sorry for him and be there for him. Perhaps as someone who has been there for him for so long he was hoping you would fall into a maternal role of being there for him whatever he has done rather than the more conditional role of a romantic partner.

I am curious whether there was any affection or intimacy in your relationship before the affair but either way that sounds long gone.

I think the best way to restore your self esteem and piece of mind is to get rid of him, divorce and have a full financial settlement and then when you have your own beautiful place that is cosy and all yours I think a miserable husband shaped weight will lift. I agree you shouldn’t need to go to your holiday home (and feel pushed out of your home) stay there while everything is worked out. But when you have your settlement agreed I would sell it and buy something you love purely for the fresh start. You have healthy finances and are financially independent so you don’t need to be afraid of what the future would bring financially without him. It doesn’t sound like he is adding anything emotionally or socially to your life in recent times - if anything draining you, You can do this and build a good life.

@Vwoolfssister

Oh I am totally ok for money etc. I have always had my own career. I have savings and pensions. I even have a little holiday house I could move in to. He will be nasty though about all the money side of it all. And I sort of don’t see why I should move out of this house Altho obvs I now hate it because tainted by being their shag pad.

Sell the house. Get your OWN place! Enjoy your career, your income, your savings, your pension.

You're destroying your life by staying in a situation that makes you feel CRAP about yourself.

Marriage is too revered in society. It's not working. You're miserable. You can support yourself. You were a ''normal happy woman'' before he entered you in to this competition that you can't get out of now, you are now trapped in a competition where you are the loser to the winning candidate, her.

Don't do this to yourself.

@Vwoolfssister

I want him to make it alright. I want him to convince me that it was a mistake and he’s sorry and that he loves me and he’ll do anything to make it right.

OP. I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like he has it in him that he wants to convince you of this, probably because he doesn't. Not many men tell the wife about OW unless forced, and he wasn't and it sounds like he was and still is in love with her, but doesn't want to go through all the pain of the divorce and financial impact, that is until another one comes along, probably because, he as indeed as you are u happy.

The fact it is so obvious he doesn't want to touch you is a fact that his feelings for you are gone and frankly he is being cruel not being honest with you so you can move on. That's a reason why you keep bringing it up because you haven't moved on as you are in a suspended limbo

A friend of mine was similar to you except her husband was really contrite, tried really hard to make it right, was the perfect husband etc but she just couldn't get over it. The trust was gone but she kept going on. In the end she couldn't take it any more and 4-5 later they separated. He was devastated and couldn't understand but she just couldn't do it any more as she had no respect, trust or love. It sounds like you are both in that position despite not wanting to be.

I think you need to think hard and think how many years ahead you have...do you really want to be with someone that can't bear touching you?

Best of luck

Just to clarify he doesn’t actually shudder when I touch him (I’m not an actual leper), he just looks miserable and embarrassed. Not like you would if your long time companion was offering to rub deep heat into your spasmed back. That would look grateful and relieved perhaps- not like the dog does when he’s raided the bins again.

I don’t think he could convince you it was a mistake - that would be a load of rubbish. A mistake would be waking up after a drunken night out thinking “what happened last night” (unsavoury as that is) not planning and hiding and carrying on for 14 months. That can’t happen by accident. There is plenty of thinking time there. You would be attempting to kid yourself and I can’t see you sincerely believing it.

You need to leave, you need to call his bluff and go. Cut total contact, make him miss you. What do you have to lose OP? Your totally miserable! You sound like a broken woman and I'm so sorry. My stepmom left my dad and cut total contact, within 2 months they were back together and have a blossoming marriage. Something to think about x

Just because you decided to stay together in the aftermath, doesn't mean you can't split now.
It's not failure, it would be a kindness to yourself.

Your husband isn't supporting you, and he isn't moving past things any more than you are. He's just shifting all the blame onto you.

OP can you look into getting counselling for yourself alone?

I think you need a safe place to explore your feelings. Then decide on how you want to proceed.

Also on your shoes I’d see a solicitor and ensure your finances and money are watertight and look at how you could possibly split joint assets. You don’t need to do anything with the information but knowledge is power. And for me personally doing things taking charge of my life calms me.

Also do you have your own hobbies/friends apart from your husband? Look at having your own life, being less emotionally dependent on your husband.

For the record I’d never be able to forgive an affair, and definitely not if the unfaithful party wasn’t even showing any remorse or attempting any kind of conciliatory overtures.

Would your H have completely forgiven you and never mentioned anything again had you been the one to have had an affair?

He doesn't love or respect you OP, I know that's awful but you shouldn't be anyone's runner up! He's not going to change back, too much has gone.

You shouldn't have to leave your house but like you said, it's always going to hold the shit memories, move to your holiday home and force sale of the house, take your share and build yourself your own happy life- by yourself or with someone else who will love you and make you his number 1. You deserve so much more.

It is not your fault he is a massive twat, he's blaming you for the end of his relationship with OW and that is not okay.

I’m afraid your relationship is over. You have one life to live and this purgatory is ruining yours.

You can’t get over it because he hasn’t really let you back in or built bridges. You can’t make him do so either.

Channel some Virginia Woolf and live for yourself and bugger letting a man dominate your thoughts, emotions and everything else.

You husband sounds weak. Having an affair, then when the ow ends it he tells people? Sounds like he wanted to end both marriages so they could end up together, without Actually being the one to call time on his marriage.

And change your counsellor. They sound terrible.

“I think you need to separate. Don't make any final decisions, just live apart for a while and see how you feel.

And get a different therapist!”

This with bells on.

I haven’t read the full thread, just most of it, but both you and he are acting like he has all the power here. And that’s because you can’t face going it alone. You’re therefore clinging to sth which is no longer worth having. He is behaving cruelly to you and treating you with contempt. And actually you’re letting him. It’s a shame he destroyed your marriage but that is what he’s done. You might have been able to get over the affair if he had been contrite and loving but that’s not what you’re describing.

You need to walk away. Make a life without him. When he realises he might actually lose you and you can manage without him (which you can), he might start to behave differently. He might not. But frankly, it sounds like you’re better off without him anyway. Otherwise he will just ruin the next few decades of your life, you’ll probably part anyway and you will massively regret the time wasted.

Btw: my mum met the love of her life in her mid-50s after 3 decades of marriage in which my dad had various affairs.

Sounds to me like she dumped him and he put it out in the open for her to come back.

Honestly, there's a happier life for you without this gaslighting cheating pitiful prick.

There was a thread on here the other day where a woman had cheated on her husband a few years ago and she was complaining that he kept bringing it up and holding it against her. The general consensus was that he was being out of order and he had to accept what she had done and move on if he wanted the relationship to continue.

Interesting what comments you get when it’s the man who cheated.

Anyway, op I don’t think it’s healthy for you to be staying in the house where he cheated - I can’t imagine what torture that must be every day. You could suggest moving with your husband on the basis of it’s a clean slate and let’s start over. Or you take a deep breath and move by yourself as it really sounds like he’s checked out and you’re pining for a relationship that no longer exists.

The house is not a safe space for you any more OP and that must be so hard. I am sorry you are suffering.

Previous posters are right in that bringing it up is damaging for your relationship and for you, But, at the same time, it is entirely natural to bring it up. And that is the problem! I can totally see how going to the funeral would have triggered this and caused you to ask the question.

It is possible that in time your questions will subside but only if he genuinely makes an effort in your relationship. If you see him making an effort and feel that he cares about you, then you will have the reassurance you need to start moving forwards. If he doesn’t do that then there is no reassurance for you.

I hear you though. This is so incredibly painful for you. Sending you much love and strength.

Think you should get ab individual therapist to work on rebuilding your own self esteem.

That one you had as a couple seems liked tget were a quack. A lot of narcissists gravitate to therapy unfortunately and gaslight their poor clients during vulnerable times. But you should search for one that makes you feel good about you. And have some sessions with them, individually.

You gave your relationship the old college try and you cant put the affair behind you. That's fine. He doesnt get to tell you how long to hold on to that hurt for. You have every right to still be hurt. Your feelings are valid. Just as you have every right to decide to change your mind about staying with him.

I have a family member who qualified as a counsellor and lovely though she is, I am absolutely horrified that she is giving people advice in a professional capacity.

Get recommendations from friends or family and get counselling on your own.

Frankly, the advice to accept that he loves OW and get over it is nuts, just nuts.

Sounds like he wanted to punish OW for breaking up with him by telling you - either that or he was trying to coerce her into getting back with him by getting it out in the open.

You deserve so much more, OP. What a shithead.

I have a family member who qualified as a counsellor and lovely though she is, I am absolutely horrified that she is giving people advice in a professional capacity.

I've got one of these in the family, too. Except they're not even 'lovely'. More dangerous, I'd say.

OP,
Yours is a sad story.

Your husband is a selfish pig.

That counselling sounds appalling.

Please look at leaving this awful man.

You are wasting time with an awful man.

He has absolutely no interest in you or your marriage.

You deserve better.

Please leave OP we can all help you on your journey with advice and support. You have absolutely no chance of feeling better about this because there is no pathway to this. You must get out and forge that pathway for yourself. Switch off your phone, stop responding to emails, go inside yourself to find your inner strength. do whatever you have to do to get to a different and better place. Stop waiting to feel better. You won't. No-one on here would. He is continuing to treat you like crap.

@ShizeItsWeegie has nailed it. Your H isn’t acting like he loves you. He’s acting like he doesn’t love you. That’s why you can’t get beyond it. Try living without him for a bit. You really will start to feel so much better.