I’m going to cancel Christmas in my house

[Unsurekitten84]

I think the UK should have made that decision tbh. No mixing of households. Keep the tier system. Just leave it this year.
I’m quite looking forward to not having to put the tree up or wrap the stupid stocking presents. In fact it is possibly one of the few covid upsides. The downside is my MiL will still demand to see us and is looking forward to everything going ‘back to normal’ for five days, during which she will see everyone she’s ever met 🙄. I’ve said I don’t want to go but dh has overruled me as apparently she has to see her grandchildren on Christmas Day.
We won’t be seeing my family though.

Agree, smellbellina. It’s heartbreaking for the op and the children alike.

Wow I could never do this to my dc at Christmas. My dh is literally Scrooge. My MIL has also invited herself over to stay for the whole 'season' despite it being my only time off for a long time from work.
I have gone nuts with the decorating. I think the opposite, I want my dc to have a lovely time even though I know full well I'm absolutely dreading it. I suppose I just picked up the Christmas lights and told my dh he has to help me. I stood there until he did help me despite various protests.

The thing is what will your dc gain from this behaviour of I can't see my parents so whatever

This post makes me so sad but also resonates with me, not as the parent in this situation but as the child.
Those that haven't been in this situation honestly couldn't ever understand. My mum was in a very similar position to the OP. My dad was and is abusive, not generally physically (although he has been on a couple of occasions) but mentally. What he said goes, and if my mum dared do otherwise we would all have hell to pay. He would give us the silent treatment, filthy looks, not speak to us and be nasty to all of us, even us kids (this is for as long as I can remember, so maybe 3/4 onwards.) my mum used to always try her best at Christmas. She was responsible for all the shopping/presents/cooking/food, literally everything. His one job was to be happy, but he couldn't even manage that, even when my mum did as he wanted. My mum honestly must have felt like the OP I wouldn't have blamed her in the slightest. Sending you a massive hug OP. I don't know what the answer is, my mum is still in the same situation. If I have my parents round over Christmas, I know he will still be the same, even now, but I do it for my mum, as otherwise she doesn't end up coming. It makes my heart so sad.

I’m ok, thank you for the replies, especially the kind ones.
I have calmed down and will do my best to make Christmas as nice as I can for the dc. I’m just really really really tired, I’m struggling to know where I’m going to find the reserves. I usually have support from family and friends but I’m very much alone right now. I know it’s the same for lots of people.
Dh will be as he is. He won’t do anything to help and I will let him get away with it because that’s how it always is. He won’t be horrendously drunk or anything, but he will spend most of Christmas somewhat drunk - particularly by the evening.
I suppose I feel like I’m struggling to keep going on a day to day basis and I just cannot cope with anything more. Except I can, of course I can. Like everyone has said there’s no choice.
The dc will have a good Christmas.

Another sad casualty of this nonsensical shit show. I really hope you don't have any sons as your horrible views on your in-laws will be what your future daughter in laws will think of you.

Please ignore all the vile, idiotic comments @Unsurekitten84kitten. Like others have said, start a thread in relationships where you'll get some actual support instead of dicks with zero empathy sticking the boot in.

Yes, hope to see you over on Relationships, @Unsurekitten84.

Please ignore the brineskulls.

Yes please do ignore the insight- and empathy-less arses. Your relationship is damaging you, and the kids, but you can leave and you’ll all be so much happier

You are using Covid as an excuse not to do Xmas this year. Nothing to stop you putting up a Xmas tree and a few decorations and sending cards. Nothing to stop you shopping for gifts for your children for their stockings. Why would you want to disappoint your children? If you are worried about going out you could shop online for their presents. Honestly you sound like you are determined to be miserable and try to make everyone around you miserable too. I hope your DH as hops for Xmas gifts for your children or they will be very disappointed and the 12 year old won't forgive you when friends ask what they had for Xmas.

What DH days goes. Are you living in 21st century or 18th century? Why do you let your DH treat you like shit? Send him to his Mum's along with DC and you stay home and cook the Xmas dinner. Don't spoil your DC Xmas just because you made a poor choice of a husband.

It doesn't sound like you're in a particularly healthy marriage OP. He can't insist what you do or don't do. He has no rights over you.

I would tell him that the kids need to see your parents too as do you. Make a plan that is least risky to everyone and he's either with you on that plan or can stay at MILs for as long as he likes.

Then in January you need to reevaluate this marriage completely.

@Unsurekitten84
If I were you I'd hide the thread now. The twats will just keep coming to give you another kick and compete to decide who among them is most sorry for your kids. I think the winner gets a trophy.

I do hope you manage to leave him and I'm glad at least some of us understood the actual situation

I second what others are saying - you'll be able to find some great support and advice over on Relationships. In the meantime, please do take care of yourself as best you can.

user1471562688

Have you actually read the thread ??

This sounds much more of a DH problem than a Covid problem.

I hope you’re ok

Sounds like you just don't like Christmas or various parts of your family op. So the pandemic is an excuse not to engage. I think this would be unkid towards your children.

I grew up with an alcoholic father who took any social occasion, including ny wedding, as an opportunity to get drunk and behave badly. I completely understand how defeated and depressed the OP must feel. My mother, and subsequently stepmother, had a miserable time with him. He sucked the joy out of everything.

And I have a difficult MIL who hates me. I've not seen her for 6 years now. DH takes the DC to see her regularly and it's all much better than suffering her bitchy spiteful remarks any more. NC takes the pressure off miserable family situations.

I

Sorry op thought I'd read all your posts but missed the most recent ones. Not sure how. Anyway what I said initially about not liking some family is still true. But it sounds like it's your husband you don't like and understandably.

What's the rest of the relationship like? Doesn't seem like it's just about Christmas here.

@Unsurekitten84 sending love and strength to you... this will be the last year you have to dig so deep.

Please come over to the Relationships board when you can. You'll get the support, advice and comfort you need to make a new life for you and your children away from your 'D'H and his awful family.

Just do a small, manageable Christmas. Take an hour of quiet and think about what sort of future you would like.

Sorry you’re feeling crappy about it all, but sounds like you’re taking a bad situation and making it exponentially worse by your negative attitude. I really think you should at least try to make it nice for your children at least.

Ignore the negative messages @Unsurekitten84

I feel you. Please just make a plan so you don't have to go through this again and the people who you have said will support you will indeed do that when you put that plan into effect. When you get upset, keep thinking of your plan and that will pull you through. Sending you lots of love and hugs.

Op I completely understand where you’re coming from. It will get done, it always does, but it is a lot to do. Wrote a list if it helps and do a bit every day. Get the kids to do the decorations.

I always have support from family too usually, to enable me to nip to the shops alone etc, and feel the same this year wondering how it will all get done. I’m working or picking up kids from school, working right up until Christmas and can’t get a delivery slot.

My dh is also a bit of a fun sponge, not abusive, but not helpful with Christmas at all. Just carries on working oblivious, and ends up working more hours just when I need more help.

But the kids are so excited (which then makes them behave worse), so we have to soldier on and make it fab for them.

I hope you are safe, OP, and by safe I don't mean from just phsyical harm, but also from emotional as well, because whilst often over looked, emotional abuse (I didn't want to use that word because I don't want to just accuse someone I don't know as abusive - as a survivor of child abuse I know how damaging the wrong words can be but please, forgive me I didn't know how else to phrase it )....

But I hope you're ok , mentally as well as physically.

Please look out for yourself OP because you sound so down and so broken

For those of you who have lambasted OP for being unkind and horrible to her children for saying she's not doing Christmas ... How nasty can you get?

Could you not all tell from the outset that OP is at the very end of what she can cope with? It isn't just as easy as 'well just do Christmas then because it's awful for your children if you don't "

We lost a child. And we had more children at home who didn't know the situation because they were too young. Do you know what? That Christmas didn't really happen. We made sure the kids got gifts from Santa and other than that we watched the julia donaldson films on loop over the holidays and had a lot of chocolate

Sometimes you just can't do it. Sometimes you can't manage to do the things you'd like to do because you're struggling too much yourself. And I can't imagine it felt very good to OP, when she's very VERY obviously struggling at the moment, to see a whole bunch of strangers do her down for not meeting their expectations of Christmas for her kids.

OP, I feel it's better that you do what you can manage to do over the holidays, and don't push yourself to meet expectations of others, be that people in real life, or on here. No one knows your situation other than you. For your children, it's better that Mum isn't completely stressed out with the pressures of a perfect Christmas, which has ended up with you too broken to do the basics. Do what you can manage, show your kids the love and care I know you will do naturally , and look after yourself.