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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I’m going to cancel Christmas in my house

350 replies

Unsurekitten84 · 05/12/2020 16:58

I think the UK should have made that decision tbh. No mixing of households. Keep the tier system. Just leave it this year.
I’m quite looking forward to not having to put the tree up or wrap the stupid stocking presents. In fact it is possibly one of the few covid upsides. The downside is my MiL will still demand to see us and is looking forward to everything going ‘back to normal’ for five days, during which she will see everyone she’s ever met 🙄. I’ve said I don’t want to go but dh has overruled me as apparently she has to see her grandchildren on Christmas Day.
We won’t be seeing my family though.

OP posts:
saraclara · 05/12/2020 20:39

It annoys me that I can’t see my parents, who have no one else but me but I have to see MiL who has loads of people and will see them all because she won’t keep to the rules

You are choosing not to see your parents. You will be three households if you do. What your MIL does when you're not there is not your problem. Her risk to you is not multiplied by the number of people she sees. She will either have Covid or she won't.

If you see your parents BEFORE you visit you MIL, then you have no problem at all. So do that.

JamieLeeCurtains · 05/12/2020 20:42

This is an abusive situation.

Please read, at the very least, the OP's posts.

Thefirstnohell · 05/12/2020 20:44

@Unsurekitten84

The only part I vaguely used to like was seeing my family and friends - and that’s not going to happen this year. Christmas always falls in its entirety to me and frankly I cannot be bothered. It annoys me that I can’t see my parents, who have no one else but me but I have to see MiL who has loads of people and will see them all because she won’t keep to the rules. I am sad for my parents but part of why I won’t see them is because of having had contact with MiL. She was meant to isolate about two weeks ago and didn’t because ‘she’d know if she’d got it.’
Ah op , I actually get where you are coming from. Flowers

In the now infamous words of Mumsnet ...you have a dh problem.

It's not up to him to "overrule" you and dictate how you spend Christmas, especially as you do all the work. You get to decide your family traditions and what you do at Christmas equally. You need to sit down with him and work this out and if not I would go and stay in a hotel somewhere and leave him to deal with the Christmas prep.

But first why not sit down and speak to him and tell him this is simply not on. Can you negotiate a position where you have Christmas with your family on Christmas day and then your DH can take the DC to see his mother on Boxing Day while you have a nice glass of wine and a rest?

And I hear you about feeling unenthusiastic about Christmas this year too. You are definitely not alone there. If it weren't for DC, I wouldn't be making an effort either. But we have to for them I'm afraid. If you had some decent support from your DH, you would feel a lot better about it all I am sure Flowers

feistymumma · 05/12/2020 20:46

I am completely with you OP

MadameBlobby · 05/12/2020 20:48

@Daisyhoney

It seems to me that some of the people commenting on here don't seem to have really grasped what the op is saying. She is clearly in an abusive marriage yet the amount of people telling her to grow a backbone/ calling her miserable etc is staggering imo!!! Nobody would actively seek to make Christmas miserable for their young children unless they were in a very very dark place and I think she has made it abundantly clear that she is at the end of her tether. She has reached out for help and the majority on here have not helped by piling on the insults and striving to make her feel even worse. Shame on those people and I just hope that you never find yourselves in a similar situation. Op there are people on here who understand and hopefully you will get through this 💐
To be fair, that wasn’t at all clear from her earlier posts on the thread.
wildbarnet · 05/12/2020 20:49

@Unsurekitten84

I think the UK should have made that decision tbh. No mixing of households. Keep the tier system. Just leave it this year. I’m quite looking forward to not having to put the tree up or wrap the stupid stocking presents. In fact it is possibly one of the few covid upsides. The downside is my MiL will still demand to see us and is looking forward to everything going ‘back to normal’ for five days, during which she will see everyone she’s ever met 🙄. I’ve said I don’t want to go but dh has overruled me as apparently she has to see her grandchildren on Christmas Day. We won’t be seeing my family though.
That is your choice why should the uk give up seeing their families
12frogsincoats · 05/12/2020 20:55

I think it is so sad your children will have to see all their friends having a fun Christmas while they're stuck with an abusive father and no festive cheer or presents. Hopefully MIL will give them a nice Christmas.

WinterWhore · 05/12/2020 20:55

Why don't you take this up with your husband and actually open your mouth? Instead of making Christmas miserable for your poor children. It's not their fault. Your entitled to be fed up but that's life, dont make christmas miserable for two little ones who are probably excited and don't deserve it. You never know which Christmas will be your last. My 3 year old niece is lying in a hospital bed almost brain dead, she will never wake up ever again. I'm sure her parents would love to swap christmases with you. Cheer up

ChristmasWitch · 05/12/2020 21:08

@Daisyhoney

It seems to me that some of the people commenting on here don't seem to have really grasped what the op is saying. She is clearly in an abusive marriage yet the amount of people telling her to grow a backbone/ calling her miserable etc is staggering imo!!! Nobody would actively seek to make Christmas miserable for their young children unless they were in a very very dark place and I think she has made it abundantly clear that she is at the end of her tether. She has reached out for help and the majority on here have not helped by piling on the insults and striving to make her feel even worse. Shame on those people and I just hope that you never find yourselves in a similar situation. Op there are people on here who understand and hopefully you will get through this 💐
I've been in this situation as have many people who post on Mumsnet. Our last Christmas with my exh, he shoved over the tree while they slept on Christmas eve and tore down the decorations before holing up in our bedroom with a bottle of vodka. I spent most of that night sorting the tree out again and sobbing, because I was lower than I'd ever been but I wasn't about to let him steal Christmas from my kids.

No, I don't want a medal, I'm just saying there's no need for kids to suffer.

I left him btw, as soon as I had enough saved for us to move out.

Good luck OP, please do your best for your DC.

saraclara · 05/12/2020 21:09

OKay. I somehow missed page 2.

I still say that you should see your parents first, and THEN your MIL. That way, what she does has no bearing on their risk.

WinterWhore · 05/12/2020 21:11

@ChristmasWitch i applaud you. That must of hurt like shit. What an amazing woman you are x

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 05/12/2020 21:20

Have your parents for dinner on Christmas Eve then there's no problem.

C'mon OP, I get it that you're fed up with your in laws, but you really can't do this to your children. I can't stand Christmas, but always make sure it's magical for DD.

After Christmas I think you need to think about whether you and your DH should be together.

ChristmasWitch · 05/12/2020 21:22

@WinterWhore thank you! Yeah it was a pretty awful time, far happier on our own!

Chocolate4me · 05/12/2020 21:25

You sound depressed OP, I get a bit over whelmed with the whole Christmas organising and expectations, it all falls on me! I start wrapping early in December so I can enjoy the lead up the week before knowing it's all done and sorted. Order some nice food treats, tell the kids Christmas Day does not start before 7am.. Yes I do that... I cannot do with over tired kids at 4pm as it does ruin the afternoon, why don't you go and stay at your parents Christmas Eve, they can then jolly you along Christmas morning, help with the kids being excitable.. It will cheer your parents up too, and then go along to mils for lunch etc.
I always dread seeing my partners Nan but actually once there it's usually quite enjoyable!
Hope you find a solution and find some energy to make it happy for the kids too. They don't need lots of expensive gifts but they do need a happier Mum and it would be nice for them to see both sets of grandparents I'm sure

Indoctro · 05/12/2020 21:28

Bit selfish on your kids though dont you think

inappropriateraspberry · 05/12/2020 21:29

Your children will still squabble and fight because they'll be stuck at home together int he school holidays.
Put your foot down over MIL and put your tree up! Like others said, there is a middle ground.

Choirbells · 05/12/2020 21:35

Oh dear, your poor poor children,
Let's hope mother in law gives them a special christmas.

inappropriateraspberry · 05/12/2020 21:38

Ok, have read more of your posts.
Do Xmas for the children, go and see your parents with children or on your own and let DH see MIL with or without children, depending on the former.
I hope you get sorted in the new year x

Thefirstnohell · 05/12/2020 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

inappropriateraspberry · 05/12/2020 21:39

@Thefirstnohell wrong thread?

Thefirstnohell · 05/12/2020 21:39

Oh heavens sorry, completely wrong thread, will ask for it to be removed. Sorry op.

NeverForgetYourDreams · 05/12/2020 21:42

OP has just typed this for effect. No parent would do this to their kids

BlackeyedSusan · 05/12/2020 21:46

I have only read a few posts of yours op. Why does your husband get to overule you? what will you do to make you go? It does not sound like a healthy dynamic in your relationship. Flower, you need to consider that he is abusive to you. Make this your last Christmas with him. Get yourself a plan to get out. Contact Women's aid. If you feel scared of his behaviour and he gets threatening, call the police on 999.

I am not surprised you feel depressed, your husband is not nice. it must be awful living with him. try to see your Gp and explain it to them Can you do that from a friends house so you get privacy?

PhineasRedux · 05/12/2020 21:53

@MrsKingfisher

Put the tree up you mard arse and let your kids enjoy it. Haven't they had a shit enough year without you cancelling something they might enjoy.
God, it's as if Mental Health Awareness never happened.
PhineasRedux · 05/12/2020 21:55

@JamieLeeCurtains

This is an abusive situation.

Please read, at the very least, the OP's posts.

This. Please read her posts.