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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I’m going to cancel Christmas in my house

350 replies

Unsurekitten84 · 05/12/2020 16:58

I think the UK should have made that decision tbh. No mixing of households. Keep the tier system. Just leave it this year.
I’m quite looking forward to not having to put the tree up or wrap the stupid stocking presents. In fact it is possibly one of the few covid upsides. The downside is my MiL will still demand to see us and is looking forward to everything going ‘back to normal’ for five days, during which she will see everyone she’s ever met 🙄. I’ve said I don’t want to go but dh has overruled me as apparently she has to see her grandchildren on Christmas Day.
We won’t be seeing my family though.

OP posts:
Inastatus · 05/12/2020 19:31

I feel sorry for your kids 🙁

windturbines · 05/12/2020 19:35

This is bloody pathetic, to be honest.

Step up and provide your kids with a nice Christmas after the shitshow this year has been. Fuck me, I have two kids who are both younger than 2 (so won't even remember), and the idea of cancelling Christmas absolutely horrifies me.

After Christmas sort out the clearly huge issues with you and your partner. Sort out the MIL issues. But don't ruin a child's Christmas over it.

Also, get off your high horse about how much effort it is. Wrapping takes a couple of hours max, same with a tree... or get the kids to help put the tree up? Order things online so zero effort going to shops. Cook a streamlined dinner- even just get a chicken and do a small roast if you really can't be arsed. Or M&S it. It really isn't much effort at all and if you are so annoyed with your DH's lack of effort over the festive period, that really should have been addressed years ago, rather than 5 days into December.

It's evident this is purely about seeing MIL who you despise. The fact you'd ruin Christmas for two kids in the worst year of their lives just to prove a point is shameful. Catch yourself on.

Batshitkerazy · 05/12/2020 19:36

You’re coming across as a self pitying martyr- take control, don’t just passively accept the situation whilst secretly feeling bitter about it. It’s not fair on your children, the family dramas are not their fault. They deserve a lovely Christmas after such a terrible year. Be firm with your DH and have an adult conversation, marriages should be about compromise. Find a solution that everyone is happy with

NerrSnerr · 05/12/2020 19:36

I know it's unfair that you have to do everything to make Christmas good for your children but if your husband doesn't do it, and you don't do it what will happen?

He is clearly an abusive arse and I imagine they are affected by his anger and drinking. Please don't make life more shit for them by cancelling Christmas. I grew up in a family where similar happened and it stays with you. We had some lovely Christmasses but the ones with the arguing and the alcohol stay with me more.

Krampusnacht · 05/12/2020 19:38

Agree with @windturbines

SleepingStandingUp · 05/12/2020 19:39

@Unsurekitten84

Yes next year I won’t be here.
Before you do anything that leaves your children with a man who is abusive and controlling, can you not just pack a case, two kids and leave? Whatever they'd lose by leaving would be small fry to losing their mother. If you really do feel like this, you need to talk to someone and get help
MargosKaftan · 05/12/2020 19:39

Op - if you are still reading this, please use this to leave your abusive dh.

The best Christmas gift you could give your dcs is to end this. You've got 3 weeks. Call your parents, tell them how shit it is, do they have space for you and the dcs to move in?

Christmas and New year are often a catalyst for change. Do it 3 weeks early. Give yourself the best gift.

I think without you H around, even if its just you and the dcs, you'll find your Christmas spirit.

ohwhatamiserableyear · 05/12/2020 19:43

I would only agree to go if she agrees that this means you go to your parents next year, even though this should have been their year.

Your DH and MIL shouldn't get to have it all their way.

BackforGood · 05/12/2020 19:46

PLEASE STOP ANSWERING THE TITLE OR THE OPENING POST WITHOUT READING THE FULL THREAD.
OR AT LEAST THE OP'S POSTS

Sertchgi123 · 05/12/2020 19:46

Kill granny for Christmas, great idea. I'm with you @Unsurekitten84

RedElephants · 05/12/2020 19:48

Haven't read all replies..
I'm the least Christmassy person ever..
However..
My Mum lost her husband off 56 plus years..in May!!
I lost my Dad..
My sister lost her dad..
His Grandchildren lost their Grandad..

My mum..

(they only moved to the village they lived In, A few years ago, they were together all the time)

My mum Is so lonely..
With all the shite, that is Covid19, she hasn't been able to make new friends.

I do what I can, however I work..

I'll will definitely be doing Christmas for her.. somehow.

..

Nanny0gg · 05/12/2020 19:49

@Unsurekitten84

Yes next year I won’t be here.
OP. Forget this thread, not everyone is reading all your posts (or not using their comprehension skills).

Post in Relationships if you'd like help and support to achieve your plan

AntiHop · 05/12/2020 19:51

I get it op. Your Dh sounds like he is difficult to live with. Your mil is refusing to keep to the rules, putting you at risk, and meaning you can't see you parents. I get why you're upset.

Nanny0gg · 05/12/2020 19:51

@windturbines

This is bloody pathetic, to be honest.

Step up and provide your kids with a nice Christmas after the shitshow this year has been. Fuck me, I have two kids who are both younger than 2 (so won't even remember), and the idea of cancelling Christmas absolutely horrifies me.

After Christmas sort out the clearly huge issues with you and your partner. Sort out the MIL issues. But don't ruin a child's Christmas over it.

Also, get off your high horse about how much effort it is. Wrapping takes a couple of hours max, same with a tree... or get the kids to help put the tree up? Order things online so zero effort going to shops. Cook a streamlined dinner- even just get a chicken and do a small roast if you really can't be arsed. Or M&S it. It really isn't much effort at all and if you are so annoyed with your DH's lack of effort over the festive period, that really should have been addressed years ago, rather than 5 days into December.

It's evident this is purely about seeing MIL who you despise. The fact you'd ruin Christmas for two kids in the worst year of their lives just to prove a point is shameful. Catch yourself on.

It's evident this is purely about seeing MIL who you despise. The fact you'd ruin Christmas for two kids in the worst year of their lives just to prove a point is shameful. Catch yourself on.

It's evident that you haven't RTFT or even the OP's posts.

So perhaps you're the one that needs to dismount...

VetiverAndLavender · 05/12/2020 19:58

If your husband is making you miserable, it's time to consider leaving him (assuming he doesn't also see that things aren't working and agree to counselling). You don't have to just give in and do whatever he wants to avoid unpleasantness.

I'd be amazed if this is just a Coronavirus Year thing or even just a Christmas thing. If this is how the two of you handle something like deciding what to do for Christmas, there's probably a lot of unpleasantness off and on throughout the entire year. That's no way to live.

GreekGod · 05/12/2020 20:05

I understand you. I was in the same predicament for years. But my parents were overseas and so it was easier for DH to bully me and what he is doing to you, is bullying. The fact that he makes you feel as though you have no choice but to do what he wants.

You have to make a decision. It's not the lockdown. The fact we are all in lockdown has merely brought it all to a head. You need to decide whether you are going to put up with your DH's behaviour - its not your MIL fault - its his fault.

lockdownalli · 05/12/2020 20:16

You have a DH problem but I think you know that Sad

He is NOT the boss of you. Promise yourself you will make big changes next year so you can be in charge of your own life, as you should be. Flowers

RunnerDown · 05/12/2020 20:17

I agree op. The government should have made the decision. Much easier for everyone. And I totally get how overwhelming Christmas can be - with no help - and having to pander to family circumstances. It can take the joy out of everything.
You are getting some harsh replies but you sound overwhelmed. It’s not about Christmas- it’s about so much more .
Please value yourself enough to decide that life needs to be about what you need for once. And your dc will be much happier in the long term I& you are happy

Wnikat · 05/12/2020 20:20

You sound depressed OP. Do you have anyone you can talk to in real life? Could you take the kids and go to your parents? It doesn’t sound like you have much of a life at the moment.

ImNotCutOutForThis · 05/12/2020 20:24

Wow your poor children! I hope they have a lovely time at their nanny's house where they may get some sort of Xmas normality

Ginfilledcats · 05/12/2020 20:26

@DianaT1969 nailed it.

Yeah so what about seeing your parents Christmas Eve it's still Christmas!

If your mum is upset and refused to see you because of what's happening on Christmas Day then I can see where you got your childish behaviour from.

That being said, you need to leave your abusive husband!

akerman · 05/12/2020 20:26

My Dad’s 88. He’s pretty fit but we can’t just blithely assume he’ll be fit and well next year. It could be his last Christmas.

TonMoulin · 05/12/2020 20:28

PLEASE READ THE FULL THREAD

There is nothing confusing to anyone who has read the OP’s posts.
She is deeply unhappy because she is in an abusive relationship. She isn’t a grinch or hurting her dcs. She is at the end of her tether.

So just READ before making someone feel even worse than she is.

TonMoulin · 05/12/2020 20:30

@Unsurekitten84

Yes next year I won’t be here.
@Unsurekitten84, are you OK?

And do you have any help/support in RL?

Daisyhoney · 05/12/2020 20:37

It seems to me that some of the people commenting on here don't seem to have really grasped what the op is saying. She is clearly in an abusive marriage yet the amount of people telling her to grow a backbone/ calling her miserable etc is staggering imo!!!
Nobody would actively seek to make Christmas miserable for their young children unless they were in a very very dark place and I think she has made it abundantly clear that she is at the end of her tether.
She has reached out for help and the majority on here have not helped by piling on the insults and striving to make her feel even worse. Shame on those people and I just hope that you never find yourselves in a similar situation.
Op there are people on here who understand and hopefully you will get through this 💐