OP, I usually just lurk and read on mumsnet and don’t bother to post, but have just gone and got my password reset to log in specifically to post this!
I’m not saying anything hugely different to others here and you should absolutely listen to what they are saying, but I was in an abusive marriage myself and I also understand where you are at with this and that it will likely be difficult for you to see as clearly as outsiders can what is really going on. It is actually sometimes very hard to see the real truth of a situation when you are in the middle of it and have already endured years of abuse, with all the gaslighting, self doubt and low self esteem that comes along with it, plus there is a sense in which you do get used to such extreme and upsetting abusive situations and accept them as part of “normal” family life, because that is your normal.
Nobody thinks they would ever be prone to accepting this as normal and so it’s shocking to people not in abusive relationships, but there is a gradual “boiling of a frog” that goes on over the years where things slowly build up and up to the point where what you described is just another shit day to you instead of a huge alarm bell as it would be to others and a reason to leave the relationship. Human beings are very adaptable and unfortunately I think you do “adapt to” an abusive situation if you can’t or won’t get out of it. I didn’t really fully recognise that what had gone wrong in my marriage could be simply boiled down to domestic abuse until I had got out of the marriage and was able to think more clearly about it without the constant crazymaking confusion and foggy thinking that psychological and emotional abuse causes. You don’t always end up in an abusive relationship because of having grown up in an abusive household etc either. I had a perfectly lovely childhood. I was brought up to be kind and caring, to think of others before myself and strive to see others points of view in the event of a disagreement. I also tend to suffer from depression (in fact I have been diagnosed with bipolar 1 since becoming very unwell after having my child), and can have low self worth and poor boundaries and low assertiveness at times as part of that. Unfortunately this background made me a perfect victim for an abuser. I am intelligent and educated (I’m a doctor) and I think there is also generally still a pervasive myth in society that domestic abuse only happens to stupid people or those in lower social classes and it’s not true actually.
I think it’s particularly difficult when the abuse is rarely physical in nature and more emotional/psychological in nature. My ex was an expert in gaslighting and I do feel this sort of thing is a form of gaslighting. Of course it’s not your fault that he handed over a parcel by accident (or by “accident” as I suspect), and it’s also not your fault that this happening has led to this sort of extreme situation. You know this too, deep down in the part of you that is still able to think rationally and clearly away from the effects of abuse. And that’s why you posted about it.
It took me a long time to cotton on that my ex would often manufacture an argument as part of coercive control. This would particularly happen on days where I was supposed to go out and meet friends (to keep me isolated, one of the tools in the abuse toolbox), or on a day that was important and special to me (still haven’t decided if this was as someone else suggested just simply because no day is ever perfect and abusers do not make any allowances for imperfection, or if it was a deliberate attempt to sabotage any attempt to enjoy myself or live a “normal” family life). I love Christmas especially the run up to it and I remember that my ex ruined a lovely pre Christmas day out ice skating and putting up the tree one year. Honestly I can’t even remember exactly how now (we have been separated for 8 years now). But I remember being so confused over how things got so messed up all of a sudden from being fine in the morning, and was completely devastated that this nice family day out that I’d planned and looked forward to for so long had been seemingly derailed to devastation over what ought to be very minor issues. It’s ok to want a nice family Christmas day out OP, that is normal. But you need to recognise you are not going to get it with him. He won’t let you have it. As then you would “win” and he’d feel he had lost some power over you. It is part of the cycle of abuse as someone else said, for things to go from being good for a change to absolutely terrible in the blink of an eye.
I do think you should leave. Like someone else said it’s a shame abusers can’t be made to leave, which would be morally correct, and of course the truth is that they can actually, but the risk is that you put yourself and any children in harms way by trying to do things that way.
This relationship has no future and you know this deep down too. And you are at risk of further harm. However I do understand you may not be ready to leave now. And nobody can tell you how to live your life, only you can make those decisions. But that would be a good one. Just think, next year you could have a lovely day out without the trauma and I want you to know that it is abnormal to have to cope with what you are coping with. This is not what happens in most households when something doesn’t go perfectly as others have said. There is for most domestic abuse victims more of a gradual dawning that’s things aren’t right than any one dramatic incident in itself which makes them realise and leave. It’s very hard as domestic abuse creates traumatic bonding, and if you are married and have children together and are the sort of person who thinks marriage isn’t supposed to be a rose garden but you stick at it, this can be a hard place to get yourself out of. For me I clearly remember just waking up one day about 5am after yet another evening which ended in horrible rows and thinking with complete clarity that I have to get out of this marriage as I will wind up dead otherwise. Either he will murder me or I will kill myself as he isn’t making me so miserable. And none of that is fair on our child.
Please be aware that the most dangerous period in an abusive relationship is when you are waking up to the abuse and thinking of or planning to leave. Don’t breathe a word to him and make your plans carefully. And if you need more persuasion please speak to the national domestic abuse helpline it is 24/7 on 08082000247. The Freedom Programme really opened my eyes in retrospect as to what had been going on and revealed what is essentially the domestic abuse playbook which is laughably similar for every abuser somehow. But also infuriating that I didn’t recognise some red flags for what they were, never having been taught to be on my guard for them. I wish we had been taught it at school about 15 years old!
I am slightly disturbed by so many people on here saying to walk out, possibly with your son, and leave your teenage daughter alone with this abusive man just when he will likely have flown into an absolute fury by you leaving... I really don’t recommend this. Yes your daughter should not have been physical with you and definitely needs to know this is unacceptable but I think she should be cut some slack for having been brought up in a household where dad is abusive to mum, and also just general teenage hormones etc. Don’t think I ever got physical with my mum as a teen but I shouted and screamed and sulked and slammed doors for a few years around menarche - I was super hormonally moody and honestly struggled to contain it. To this day I remember screaming at my mum that I hated her while internally thinking “Why am I even saying this? My mum is so lovely, she doesn’t deserve this and I know I’m in the wrong but I can’t back down now”. I blame the bipolar disorder 😂 but also being a teenage girl was tough even with a really settled stable lovely family background. I’m not saying you ignore the behaviour, and if you feel at real risk of harm from her then maybe it’s appropriate if you are leaving that she goes to stay elsewhere with family or friends, but I’m just saying I don’t think it’s fair to tar your OH and your daughter with the same brush here even though their behaviour might look similar on the surface. This is the same girl who was happy to have a donation to charity as a Christmas present from her dad and I suspect the household was under huge psychological pressure from your OH at the time. It’s not ok and it needs to stop but I personally think it’s unfair to walk out and leave her to deal with the immediate aftermath of a domestic abuse split alone (I’m aware you haven’t suggested anything of the kind OP, just saying). She could be very vulnerable in this situation actually and she is still a child even if she’s is over 16.
One last thing, so many people have said the gift isn’t the issue. I agree in one sense - as a child I remember my parents talked to me and my siblings one year about feeling bad that they always spent so much on the trappings of Christmas and asked if we would consider giving up our presents so we could help those more in need instead at Christmas. As good Christian children we felt this was reasonable and volunteered to give up presents for donations to charity instead (I think we rebelled the following year and said we wanted at least some presents though 😂) However it is unusual and it would be unusually self sacrificial of teens to suggest this as a gift! I could see my ex imposing this sort of thing unilaterally on children, saying our child is spoiled and doesn’t value things etc. And of course it’s hard for anyone to criticise a gift to charity and the abuser ends up looking saintly even if their family is actually unhappy with the situation, which the abuser enjoys. It is good camouflage for an abuser to play “pillar of the community” and they lap up the attention they get from it; mine certainly did. So I’m just saying I think it’s no accident this is his gift to the children. Which isn’t to say that everyone who gives to charity instead of buying stuff for their kids is an abuser if you see what I mean.
Please. Learn from my experience. It isn’t too late, not till you’re dead as someone said. You can start over without him and it will be a much more peaceful life that allows for some joy. My heart goes out to you.