It's all gone to s**t

[summer25]

Another day ruined. So, we came back from a lovely morning having picked up the tree and had breakfast together and next door neighbour handed us a package addressed to my DS with puppies on it. My OH had, for Christmas, sponsored guide dogs for the hard of hearing for both kids. My OH handed the package to my son because it had his name on it. Then all hell breaks loose, my DS shouldn't have had this till Christmas day, apparently it's all my fault because I didn't say anything. Queue my OU storming upstairs and crying, my DS is in tears, my DD is screaming at me calling me all the names under the sun and I just want to get out but can't because my DD is blocking the door. It ends up with her shoving me around and my husband shoving me onto the sofa. The day has been absolutely ruined, it was meant to be so lovely. Every year, the day we get the tree is ruined by arguments and I'd promised my DS this morning that it would be different this year. I can't believe this has happened again. The whole family is just so upset.

What you are describing here is the cycle of abuse; all hell breaking lose followed by apparent calm (till the next time your OH decides to kick off and throw a wobbly at yours and these childrens expense).

Is he the birth father of both your son and daughter?.

This sounds like a very toxic family dynamic, suggest reading up on boundaries and acceptable behaviour as absent any special needs your OH and your DC are acting abusively towards you.

You know that is completely abnormal and not at all how families should behave, don't you?

It sounds like a toxic environment. Are you safe at the moment? How are you (as in you plural) going to resolve things so that it doesn’t happen again? What are the consequences for your DD, and are you planning to stay with your OH?

You poor thing. What a toxic environment. No one should be shoving you, under any circumstances.

Do things like this happen a lot. It must be like treading on eggshells all the time.
You have done absolutely nothing wrong and are being abused. I feel really terrible for you, do you have anyone in real life you can talk to?

It's really sad that being assaulted is normal to you.

Re your comment QueenofPain:-

"I suspect OP has been the scapegoat for so long that she’s mentally martyred herself for the good of the family".

I would also think this but sadly such an approach leads to only more emotional pain for the OP and in turn her children who are learning really damaging lessons about relationships here.

OP- what did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

I cannot fathom how this is your fault?!

I'm sorry your home life sounds extremely toxic for everyone as a result of your husband's behaviour. You need to break the cycle for yourself and your kids. Your DD is learning to be a bully and both kids are probably traumatised. Can you contact women's aid?

Thanks everyone. I do appreciate how toxic and unhealthy this is and I do worry so much that our DC have been damaged beyond repair. I just wish we could start from the beginning again.

WTAF is going on in your house OP? Your partber sponsored guide dogs for your children then handed the parcel about this to your DS by mistake - and as a result of this, your partner stormed upstairs in tears, your teenage daughter shoved you around, and your partner shoved you on to the sofa? This is awful.

I’d pick up my coat and pack a small bag and head out for a while.
Your OH was wrong to shove you.
Your DD was wrong for the same reason.

Maybe take DS with you (as he hasn’t done anything wrong) and have a night in a hotel to have a chance to think and decide how to move forward. What’s the situation with the house, is it possible to get your OH to leave? Can’t say I’d want to stay in a relationship with someone like him.

Let me guess, he manages to ruin every nice occasion but of course it's always your fault?

Maybe you should stop thinking “this was meant to be a lovely day and it’s ruined”, and start thinking “this was meant to be a lovely day and other people chose to ruin it.”

That's absurd. HE gave DS the parcel, you didn't! But it's your fault?

Your DH is an absolute man baby.

@summer25 this is absolutely not your fault and you should not feel you need to tolerate this.

Is this normal behaviour in your house?

You can, its only too late to do that when you are yourself six feet under!!. Your DD is certainly copying what she is seeing within the home.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Why is he also sponsoring dogs as a gift for his children?. He manufactured this argument deliberately; any "nice" occasion will be ruined by him.

Is your H now really another version of perhaps your own dad, what is your father like?. How were you treated by him and your mother as a child?.

He is fucking out of order, what a disgusting man.

Your DD has clearly learned this type of behaviour is normal. It’s not. It’s abuse.

Get the fuck out OP before your kids have grown into adults who will accept or dish out this vile behaviour.

Just to be clear, you ARE being abused.

Why is it your fault your husband gave your son the present? And what does it have to do with your daughter.

Is your husband usually abusive? Is your daughter?

I'm really confused by the incident. However, given you already promised your son that it would t happen AGAIN this year, then that screams alarm bells.why was everyone angry at you? Did you down play your reaction? Either way, the, pushing and shoving you physically is down right wrong. I would have left there and then. Sorry your day didn't turn out as you hoped. Get help OP.

Well sadly you can't start from the beginning, but you can make choices now to help.

You need to show your children this is not a healthy relationship, by leaving it and telling them exactly why you have done so.

You children are likely to repeat this pattern so need you guidance of what is acceptable, both to do and to accept, as I'm sure you would not be happy with a partner doing this to one of your children and them accepting it because mummy did.

’I do worry so much that our DC have been damaged beyond repair. I just wish we could start from the beginning again.’

You can’t undo what’s been done but you can show them that this isn’t normal or acceptable. You can show them that this isn’t how to treat people we’re supposed to love.

It’s sounds horrendous. And they sounds like they are all old enough to look after themselves .I would be out at a hotel for a few days and let them get on with it. And what a strange Christmas present .

Fuck that noise OP, if they become physical with you again ring the police. What a bunch of dicks.

So your kids are so used to seeing you abused that they join in?

Your OH was crying??

I mean your OH really set you up, didn't he?

He must have known what the package was.

And your kids-crying/screaming/pushing because they now know what one present is?

Yes, they need help!