It's all gone to s**t

[summer25]

Another day ruined. So, we came back from a lovely morning having picked up the tree and had breakfast together and next door neighbour handed us a package addressed to my DS with puppies on it. My OH had, for Christmas, sponsored guide dogs for the hard of hearing for both kids. My OH handed the package to my son because it had his name on it. Then all hell breaks loose, my DS shouldn't have had this till Christmas day, apparently it's all my fault because I didn't say anything. Queue my OU storming upstairs and crying, my DS is in tears, my DD is screaming at me calling me all the names under the sun and I just want to get out but can't because my DD is blocking the door. It ends up with her shoving me around and my husband shoving me onto the sofa. The day has been absolutely ruined, it was meant to be so lovely. Every year, the day we get the tree is ruined by arguments and I'd promised my DS this morning that it would be different this year. I can't believe this has happened again. The whole family is just so upset.

As a dad myself, I totally agree that your OH is abusive and you need to break the cycle. It's time to leave. Staying won't change anything, leaving will be difficult, but provides an opportunity to break the cycle.

Hang on so your bloke got his kids a really shit present, gave it to them early and it's somehow your fault?

We only get one life. Please don't spend yours living like this. What your OH and DD did is abuse.

Another voice here saying you should think about leaving.
Think about what would happen if you confronted them about their behaviour. Would they continue to blame you or would anyone apologise? Your answer will tell you a lot.

I'm going to share this too, which is The top pinned post in Relationships but I don't think it can be shared enough

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

He's not a good husband and he's not a good dad, but you can be a good mum by teaching your children what normal, healthy relationships are about.

The Freedom Programme will give you the tools to break the cycle www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Young Minds are there for children leaving abusive situations youngminds.org.uk/find-help/for-parents/parents-guide-to-support-a-z/parents-guide-to-support-domestic-violence/

None of that is remotely normal OP.

I understand what you’re feeling OP. I was abused by my dad when I was little, and any time I would get upset about anything at all he would rage about me “ruining the day” / “ruining things” and now as an adult if I make a mistake (not that you did anything wrong here!) or things don’t go to plan I get ridiculously upset about “ruining the day”. It’s completely uncontrollable and awful.

You’ve done nothing wrong and your family are treating you like shit. It’s not your job to fix this, it’s theirs.

Sorry what the hell have I just read?

-OH storming upstairs and crying
-DD screaming, calling you all the names under the sun and blocking the door so you can't leave.
-OH and DD pushing and shoving you?

Somehow you're only upset because the days been ruined seriously?!
Does this sort of thing normally happen in your house OP?
Just your been very blasé about it all, I would go apeshit if any of this happened in my house.

Wtf????

My teen daughter is 2 inches taller than me and wouldn't dream of shoving me around because 1) who in the name of fuck does that and 2) I'd flatten her

Why is your partner storming around pushing you on to the sofa and crying over a guide dog present?

Your home life sounds hideous. None of this is your fault. It's abuse

@SinkGirl

I understand what you’re feeling OP. I was abused by my dad when I was little, and any time I would get upset about anything at all he would rage about me “ruining the day” / “ruining things” and now as an adult if I make a mistake (not that you did anything wrong here!) or things don’t go to plan I get ridiculously upset about “ruining the day”. It’s completely uncontrollable and awful.

You’ve done nothing wrong and your family are treating you like shit. It’s not your job to fix this, it’s theirs.

You could go NC with your dad?

@MiniTheMinx

Why are you worried more about the day being ruined than about your own welfare?

Because that is what being a victim of domestic abuse does to your head. There are good days and abusive days. You are reduced to hoping a special day will be a good day. A special day is never a good day though. Because actual days in real life are never perfect and as soon as it isn’t all hell breaks loose. OP - I understand the Freedom programme is very good.

Good grief, OP, you poor thing!

Your OH gave the package to your DS and then blamed YOU for giving the package to DS?

Hollow laugh at OH giving a charity gift and having no sense of charity at home

Why was your DD screaming at you?

You cannot live as everyone else's scapegoat and for everyone else to target you. It is domestic bullying, and abuse.

That's nowhere near right.

I agree with PP that nothing will change if you do nothing and just go along with it.

The children are teenagers. They will survive without you, if you need to get away and they say they want to stay. Staying and taking it only demonstrates to them that this is how things should be and that it's okay to abuse their mother (and in the future, that it's okay to abuse their partner or be abused by their partner).

He's abusing you, you need to leave.

Also. What a shit present.

Hi Op Oops i ment to say you a lot more than this, you deserve better,.

Look after yourself,such as eating healthy, have a health spa session or holistic therapy such as hot stone massage etc..
Listen to good music on YouTube
Watch funny good TV programmes so you feel better.
Walk in nature.
Take care xxx

Oh my god OP! I'm sorry but that is awful. That is disgraceful behaviour! How was any of that your fault? That's shocking. I hope you're ok. X

Oh my, this was horrible to read OP.
In your heart of hearts, you must know this isn't right.
How much has your DD witnessed in her upbringing, to make her attack you like this?
I don't know where to start with your OH? This is unbelievably bad.

There is nothing wrong the gift. (Our family do this)

There is everything wrong with the aftermath of his mistake.

You deserve so much better.

You give your children only donations to charity for Xmas?

I thought soap was all made up ott exaggeration. Maybe it's the reflection of real life.
Sorry op, this isn't normal. And horrible to read on quiet, chilled weekends.

You could go NC with your dad?

I haven’t seen him for 25 years, I mean when things go wrong with my own family I always get the same feelings of being useless, ruining things etc. It has really stuck with me. DH would laugh things off but I still get upset. So I understand why OP feels sad and responsible now as she’s likely been being told this for years, being blamed for everything.

@TheLadyOfShallnott

There is nothing wrong the gift. (Our family do this)

There is everything wrong with the aftermath of his mistake.

You deserve so much better.

You give your kids charity donations for Christmas?

Sounds like mayhem in your house, and you are all addicted to the drama. Please answer the many posters asking why your OH giving a package to your son was your fault? None of this makes sense.

OP I've been in your kids’ position (SD in my case, I can’t work out if your OH is their dad or not) and I can tell you it has completely messed up both myself and my brother and our ability to form healthy relationships. It also raises a lot of questions about why my DM allowed us to go through it.

It made my blood run a little bit cold reading this because it was so similar. It’s no way to live. If you can’t change things for your own sake change them for your kids’ before it’s too late.

I honestly think this is one of the worst things I've read on MN, because I cannot fathom for a minute how any sane person can fault you in this situation.

Your DH and DD seem to have issues, please know none of this is your fault and they are the one's in the wrong. Just because it's familiar doesn't mean it has to be your life forever. Take care