It's all gone to s**t

[summer25]

Another day ruined. So, we came back from a lovely morning having picked up the tree and had breakfast together and next door neighbour handed us a package addressed to my DS with puppies on it. My OH had, for Christmas, sponsored guide dogs for the hard of hearing for both kids. My OH handed the package to my son because it had his name on it. Then all hell breaks loose, my DS shouldn't have had this till Christmas day, apparently it's all my fault because I didn't say anything. Queue my OU storming upstairs and crying, my DS is in tears, my DD is screaming at me calling me all the names under the sun and I just want to get out but can't because my DD is blocking the door. It ends up with her shoving me around and my husband shoving me onto the sofa. The day has been absolutely ruined, it was meant to be so lovely. Every year, the day we get the tree is ruined by arguments and I'd promised my DS this morning that it would be different this year. I can't believe this has happened again. The whole family is just so upset.

None of this is your fault OP :(

Gosh, that's really not normal. I hope you are ok.

I thought it was going to be something like we all went out and had a nice day, but kids got tired and cranky, mum got lost on the drive home and it took an extra 30 minutes, someone forgot their coat and we spent 30 quid on hot chocolates and cake at Starbucks. That's our typical shit day out. Not tears and shoving and blocking the door. It just sounds awful. What are you going to do?

chat.womensaid.org.uk/

PPs are right, this is absolutely not your fault and it's not normal. Or rather, it sounds as if it might be normal for you, and that is horrible. Please leave, OP. There's no excuse for the way you're being treated. Everyone who reads this thread is on your side!

OP, that’s abuse, both from your husband and your DD.
From what you say, there is no way any of this is your fault, yet you seem to accept it. Even if it was absolutely your fault, there’s still no excuse for anyone to lay hands on you in anger.
It sounds like your DD has already got some behavioural unlearning to do, but your OH instigated this.
Please find yourself a place of safety with your son, if he’s not violent too. This is not healthy for you.

How on earth did any of that become your fault?

And I assume this isn't the first time your DH or DD has been physically abusive to you?

Forget that it's xmas tree day - you need to deal with this. Physically assaulting you is unacceptable on any day. Do you feel in fear of your safety if you stand up to them?

This is a very unhealthy dynamic, and you need to decide whether you want to consider living in a house with them.

What the hell is going on in your house? Why all the screaming? Why is your husband sponsoring dogs for your children's Christmas present? Why are you being pushed over?

This, even with the updates, still this.

What the fuck have I just read?
Get out of this house OP. You are being abused by your husband and your daughter.

If my family was physical to me like that shoving me around because of a genuine mistake a) there would be no xmas or gifts for any of them and b) I 'd be calling the police and then leaving.
No way I would EVER put up with that behaviour. How the hell did the situation get this bad?

What a mess

Utterly toxic and abusive

Get out, protect yourself

@summer25 Did you grow up in a toxic environment?

What happened today is not normal, but I'm guessing this is what is 'normal' in your family and your children have learned your behaviours. This is why when people say they want to stay together "for he kids" it makes me want to scream.

Anyway, what's done is done. You can't go back, and you can't continue with this family dynamic, it will destroy all of you.

Get legal advice, get in touch with women's aid and The Freedom Project, organise your finances and get out.

What. This is just so weird.

So your partner handed the gift to your son, then started crying and screaming, blamed you, and then both them and your daughter started physically pushing you?

This makes no sense ans is such an odd thing to happen.

This isn’t something that will get better on its own. I’ve seen it play out in my own extended family. The children are in their 30s now. The supportive child distanced themselves from their parents for their own sanity and suffers from depression and anxiety, the abusive child uses the grandchildren to hold over her mother and the last ‘push’ caused a broken cheek bone. You still have the time to make a difference.

Is he the child’s father? Why is he giving them donations to charity for Xmas?

Your OH has issues, he's a grown man fgs and he's crying over nothing. Then there's the repeated cycle of this happening "again". Well, keep behaving the same, get the same result!
You wish to go back to the beginning, I'm guessing episodes like this have been going on since the beginning of you relationship. The problem here is your OH, but I suspect that this has been going on for so long that no amount of talking to him is going to inspire him to change. I'm not sure how you can have any respect left for him, he actually sounds quite pathetic. If you don't want another Xmas like this, or another nice day wrecked by your OH, the answer is to not have your OH there. I'm sure your DC's behaviour will improve without his presence, and given what he got them for Xmas, they won't miss his presents either

Go and spend the whole of December and xmas with family and don't contact any of them. Let them taste what life is like without you, don't get them any presents either.
Let them go to fuck over xmas. They will be begging you to come back.

Didn't think my childhood was that bad although my DF definitely wore the trousers and my DM cowtowed to him. I couldn't leave my kids and I know they wouldn't want to leave their DF as they adore him. Your comments are really hitting home and it's like I'm finally realising that this isn't right.

Good Lord, OP, this is physical and mental abuse. Textbook. I'm so sorry this happened to you. It does sound like you need to end your relationship, sadly. I wish you loads of luck xx

I agree with madcat: Go and spend the whole of December and xmas with family and don't contact any of them. Let them taste what life is like without you, don't get them any presents either.
Let them go to fuck over xmas.

Your family life is dysfunctional and their behaviour to you is unacceptable. Please stand up for yourself, remove yourself from them and tell them clearly that they do not get to shout, call you names or certainly shove you about.

“I do worry so much that our DC have been damaged beyond repair”

I moved out when my youngest was 14. It’s still worth demonstrating to them that staying in an abusive relationship is wrong.

Abusers often choose to ruin special days. Mine often kicked off at Christmas. No reason required, he could always find something.

My household isn’t perfect. My eldest son has some of his father’s behaviour patterns, but I hope that in time, he’ll lose some of them. And when you have left, you’ll realise how wonderful it can be to enjoy those special days without the constant need to tiptoe around, trying not to trigger the eruption. We bought a lovely tree last year and put it up early, just because we could. Good luck.

@MoreCookiesPlease

What the fuck have I just read? Get out of this house OP. You are being abused by your husband and your daughter.

This. Do you have somewhere to go?

I’m stunned at how casually you talk about this. You’re being badly abused.

A domineering father and a mother who kowtowed to him (so basically enabled him) would make for you having a poor, well certainly not an ideal, childhood. All that shit became your normal and now a not too dissimilar situation is being played out in your own family unit now.

I bet you not so much "adored" your own father as much as fear him. That bloody word again, adore. Your kids do not at all adore their dad, they fear him and probably tiptoe around him emotionally so as to try to not set him off. And your DD now is further copying her dad by abusing you; all that shit could well continue into her own relationships as an adult with her equally becoming abused or abuser. You have to act decisively if you want to save your own self and your kids from this toxic environment. There is always a way out.

I would also urge you to contact Womens Aid; another poster below has put up a link to their chat facility.

What makes you think that they adore their father?

WOW this is awful, your family are abusing you, you are a victim of domestic abuse and you need to stand up for yourself, before it gets out of hand. How dare they push and shove you. Pack a bag, go stay with friend, family for couple of days, and have not contact with them other than to to tell them you are not accepting this !

Your Poor DS (and you).
Can you take-off somewhere nice with your DS for the weekend and stay with family or a friend and have a good think how you are going to go forwards from this situation.
Your partner is abusive and this has very obviously imprinted on your daughter.