It's all gone to s**t

[summer25]

Another day ruined. So, we came back from a lovely morning having picked up the tree and had breakfast together and next door neighbour handed us a package addressed to my DS with puppies on it. My OH had, for Christmas, sponsored guide dogs for the hard of hearing for both kids. My OH handed the package to my son because it had his name on it. Then all hell breaks loose, my DS shouldn't have had this till Christmas day, apparently it's all my fault because I didn't say anything. Queue my OU storming upstairs and crying, my DS is in tears, my DD is screaming at me calling me all the names under the sun and I just want to get out but can't because my DD is blocking the door. It ends up with her shoving me around and my husband shoving me onto the sofa. The day has been absolutely ruined, it was meant to be so lovely. Every year, the day we get the tree is ruined by arguments and I'd promised my DS this morning that it would be different this year. I can't believe this has happened again. The whole family is just so upset.

You are not doing right by your children by keeping them with the father they ‘adore’ and staying in a relationship that has already taught one of them to be abusive.

Will you break the cycle of abuse? Or hope that your daughters possible future children will be brave enough to walk away from her when she is abusive to them?

What about your son? Are you happy for him to believe this is what a family is?

This sounds so upsetting OP. I can only echo what others have said. It sounds like you're being abused and unfortunately the only way to make it stop is to leave. Or make your OH leave. The Freedom programme and Women's Aid can both help. Do you have any friends or family nearby who would put you up, or could you go and stay in a hotel for a few days? It sounds like what you really need is some proper support and an exit plan. There are good resources on the relationships board and many women here who have left abusive relationships and gone on to find confidence and happiness. I hope you have someone close who is able to help, but I know that part of the pattern of abuse is for the abuser to isolate you from potentially supportive people. So do reach out to Women's Aid and do start getting your ducks in a row. I really feel for you and wish you every strength.

I have more questions than suggestions ....your OH sounds like a dick and kids are following suit . There is no excuse for domestic violence towards you. When it dies down maybe suggest family counselling ?

Family counselling

It dooeant matter that they are teenagers. Book family counselling now. You cannot sort this out by yourself.

I would sit them all down and say "OH ordered the gift. OH was handed the gift by neighbour. OH gave gift to son. Everyone then blamed me and started physically abusing me. I had no involvement in the purchase, the delivery or the handover to DS yet I end up being screamed at, shoved around by people larger than me and blamed for all of it. You all have 2 choices. We go to family counselling, or I move out"

You need to take this step. Your kids have shown that their response to being unhappy is to be violent towards their family. What do you think will happen when your kids have spouses and children?

I couldn’t have kids so no gamerchick

My niece and nephew have asked for charity gifts though the last few years. They get other gifts too of course.

The adults have done it for years.

Sorry. I didn’t mean to derail.

The gift was just one gift amongst various others that DS will be receiving this year. My OH is the father to the kids and I think he thought it would be a nice gift. I suspect it may have something to do with the fact that OH's father used to do this and he died a few years ago. That may be why he totally overreacted this afternoon. No excuse though and not the first time something like this has happened. Thanks for all your advice. I will read all the links you have sent.

"We go to family counselling, or I move out"

And if that leads to the kids being left with their father?

@summer25

It's all calm again now but it was a total overreaction. Not the first time something like this has happened to be fair. I just am so upset that the day has been ruined.

Honestly OP I think the ‘day’ being ruined is the least of your worries. The whole dynamic sounds toxic to me. Has your daughter learned from her Father that’s it’s acceptable to physically and verbally abuse you? I hope you have or can seek support from outside in dealing with this awful situation.

OP

It isn’t about the gift my lovely. It is about how you are being treated. It is heartbreaking.

OP, you do know that you not stopping him handing over the parcel was a manufactured excuse to kick off, right? If that parcel hadn't been delivered today, your OH would still have turned on you; he would just have found some other ridiculous and flimsy pretext. It's what abusers of his type do.

Christmas, your birthday, DC's birthdays, family events are all going to be sabotaged, every time, because the abuser is not the focus of the event. And it's always going to be your fault because your role in this is scapegoat, as you've noticed. That is OH controlling and manipulating the situation with his scenes. You cannot control this; you can only choose to remove yourself from it.

You made a mistake promising your DS that the day would be lovely and not ruined. That was not within your power; it depended on your OH's whim. Your DS's tears and your DD's rage may well relate to your obvious powerlessness to protect them from scenes like this which presumably they have suffered all their lives. It's not to late to scoop them up and leave, though admittedly it would have been easier when they were tiny.

Have you ever downloaded or bought and read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft? It's subtitled Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.There's a whole chapter in their about your OH and lots of practical advice on whether he will or won't change and what you can do to escape the turmoil.

And I hope you've twinned your toilet as a Christmas present for OH. It's more than he deserves.

How old is your daughter that she wouldn't let you leave? & then pushed you around?

Good God. How old are these children ? if they are all over 16 you should walk out the door. The whole thing is toxic

Jesus, I can hardly believe what I am reading. Your DD and DH shoved and pushed you around. My brothers towered over my Mum from teenagers, and they would no more have thought about laying a hand on her than walking on the moon and even if they had my Dad would have lathered them. It sounds as though your thuggish DD has learned from your thuggish DH that it's perfectly acceptable to shove you around and scream at you. Fuck that. If your obnoxious brat wants to stay with her father then great, they can stay together. You need to make plans to either get your DH and DD to leave, or you leave and start divorce proceedings. I am spitting feathers on your behalf Op, how dare they treat you like this. If your H only bought that one gift for the kids then he is a complete moron for not knowing or guessing what the package contained, I mean duh, it had paw prints all over it. So he is physically abusive and a fuckwit, what do you see in him?

@diddl

It doesnt sound like the OP is safe around her kids either. The first step is getting the family to take action on that. If they wont then she needs to get somewhere safe and she can then work with her children and possibly the courts to sort out contact.

Any kind of counselling that includes the abuser is a bad idea. Conselling for you, separately, and for the DC, individually, yes. You can't make family or couples counselling work with an abuser, though. They routinely try to recruit the counsellor to join in the scapegoating. They are so manipulative that it sometimes works! (See DD as an example.)

@gamerchick

Hang on so your bloke got his kids a really shit present, gave it to them early and it's somehow your fault?

Not only that, it’s the ONLY thing he has bought them this year, and he wanted it to be “special” . Ie they were expected to fall to their knees in awe and wonder.

Hmm, what a prince among men this selfish, self centred man child narcissist sounds.

Your OH is blaming you and in tears because he didn't check the parcel before he handed it over? How old is he, FFS?

Sorry but that’s a shit present, so why is he making a big deal about spoiling it?

Obviously your husband is a twat, but why on earth is your daughter blocking your way and shoving you. I’m so confused

If my DH had accidentally handed over his present for a teenage child over before Christmas, he would just have said "Oops, you haven't seen that" and taken it back, and they would have had a laugh on Xmas morning as teenage child pretends to be surprised.

This behaviour is just completely bizarre. I'd be tempted to leave the drama queens together and walk out.

It sounds like your daughter has already picked up her dad's nasty behaviour. HOW DARE SHE BLOCK YOU, HOW DARE SHE SHOVE YOU AROUND.

Your dh is vile. I'm so sorry he's so horrid.

So OH ordered this gift, saw that the package had dogs on it (fair indication of what it was) and then handed it to your son. And that's your fault????

Honestly what the fuck have I just read?
Your OH is acting like a teenager and your teenage daughter is acting like an abusive partner!

My ex used to ruin every special day, Xmas, birthdays, anniversaries- he was toxic ! Best thing I ever did was leave him.

[quote WhereverIGoddamnLike]@diddl

It doesnt sound like the OP is safe around her kids either. The first step is getting the family to take action on that. If they wont then she needs to get somewhere safe and she can then work with her children and possibly the courts to sort out contact.[/quote]
Yes, it's hard to know if the son is also a danger to Op or just the daughter & if the son also needs protecting!

I agree with both of *@NewlyGranny*s posts, lots of good advice there. I think family counselling will be an opportunity for your abuser to create a new abusive situation for you.

Also can people stop fixating on the gift?

The gift is a red herring, the abuse is the problem FFS

I would seek professional advice, particularly regarding the teenagers. You have a responsibility to teach them how to behave. Your OH may need to be removed from the house if he shoved you. Raising a hand against your own mother is completely taboo in most cultures and goes against most religions for good reason. This is a complete breakdown of order.