Calling out this man for his shitty behaviour is a terrible idea isn't it.

[VotNow]

Casual relationship. We agreed to be FWB. This was preceded by a couple of months heavy flirting during which he gave every impression of being very attracted to me. He even told someone else he fancied me (who then told me.) All the body language, the catching him watching me when he thought I wasn't looking, the finding excuses to be around me and stand close to me, the playful flirty joking around.

He said he only wanted sex from the start. Fine. I wanted sex with him too. But he was a dreadful FWB. The first time we hooked up he basically told me it was time for me to go after we were finished. I put my foot down and told him I expected to be treated with respect and kindness, even in a casual relationship, and he seemed to get a little better. The second time we got together he made me food and we spent more time talking etc. I was happy enough with that. But he reverted back to being disrespectful and rude again. Ignoring messages when it suited him. Texting at 11.45pm at night (which to be fair, I ignored because I'm not going round at that time.)

The last time we got together was after I had backed off a fair bit. We bumped into eachother and one thing led to another. I still fancied him a lot. But this time he came really quickly (unlike him) and then basically announced - like the first time we got together - that he was done and it was time for me to go now.

We talked and I made it clear that this was unnacceptable to me. That I had been looking forward to some hot sex with someone who would be my friend. I told him that although I was happy with casual and knew we would not be serious, that I thought we had real chemistry. He shook his head and just said we should call it a day. Basically said that I had only been a willing vagina rather than someone he felt an actual connection with.

Well of course I agree that if it's going to be like this then we should call it a day. But I remember back to when we were flirting and how he couldn't do enough for me - getting me drinks and making me coffees at our shared hobby. Always finding excuses to hang around me. The flirting. The staring as I walked past. You don't fake that sort of body language - I now feel so confused. How could I have got it so wrong? It stings and humiliates like buggery.

And I feel furious. With myself for not dumping his arse far sooner, but also with him. I feel he has treated me like shit. The only decent thing he has ever done is end things definitively rather than just ghosting me.

What I want to do is tell him off. Send him a message telling him he's a shit. That decent men are able to treat casual partners decently while maintaining the necessary boundaries. I want to tell him he's immature and that I deserved better.

But this is a terrible idea isn't it. He will probably just tell himself I'm crazy and that I lurve him (I don't.) And considering I haven't contacted him in any way for almost a week since he ended things, if I message now I'm just going to look like I'm still thinking about it (I am but perhaps he does not need to know this.)

How to handle. We're not strangers and are still going to see eachother about.

Omg you are too much hard work! Also you obviously did not see him as just a FWB, you hoped it would lead to something more. Admit it.

Next time he comes sniffing for sex, tell him to fuck off. He thinks very little of you.

I remember back to when we were flirting and how he couldn't do enough for me - getting me drinks and making me coffees at our shared hobby. Always finding excuses to hang around me. The flirting. The staring as I walked past. You don't fake that sort of body language - I now feel so confused. How could I have got it so wrong?

You didn't op. He did that to get into your pants. Once he'd achieved that he reverted back to him. You've had a lucky escape and if you alert him to what he should do he will pretend to another woman and get what he wants and dupe her. Let him get his just desserts. Why you'd want to be with someone who is pretending they're happy for you to stay. He's not. There are plenty of men out there who would treat you better than his lack of basic kindness and manners. Best rid.

Block block block because he will be back in touch.

I had someone do similar and messaged me over a year late suggesting, with no preamble.... I shit you not .... That I should come over to his house and give him a BJ because he couldn't get it up with his new GF and he was wanted to know if he was getting ED or if it was "just her". My ghast had never been so flabbered in my life.

You had the emphasis on the friend in With benefits he had the emphasis on the fuck in buddy.

Block and delete.

I agree we had different expectations of friends with benefits. That's fair enough. He was honest about just wanting sex, that is also fair enough.

But I'll restate for everyone who thinks his behaviour is/was fine - if he had said he just wanted to fuck, focusing almost entirely on his own needs, at any time of his choosing, and then have me leave without a word, I would never have agreed to it. Who would? Nobody. I expect a minimum of respect from anyone I interact with. This does not make me unreasonable.

You're all right about contacting him though. It's a stupid idea. I haven't done and I won't. I was just having a moment.

That’s what a fuck buddy is. If it suits you when he proposes a fuck, you fuck. If not, you don’t.

And vice versa.

Oh just block him. He’s a jerk but take it as a lesson and move on. No need to yell at him via text, seems a little extra at this stage.

And oh by the way, when I had FWB (there were a few at the time haha), we’d go get some dinner or a drink, then go home to theirs for sex - then I would go home. I much prefer my own bed and coffee machine in the morning! Some people do leave after sex, it’s not as bizarre as you think

I have to say OP, but you didn't really sound like friends to begin with, and he made it clear he just wanted causal sex, this is not FWB, this is a mutual causal sexual encounter when is convenient for both.

He may just be a selfish lover, but he has been honest from the get go and you sound like you want more for the relationship than just sex. That is ok as long as you are honest about that with him, but don't lie to yourself about what you want, that's what is causing the confusion I think.

I could never do the sex with no strings thing, I like more of a relationship, I have friends who have done the just sex thing and it has been just that, the fella come over they had sex, he left. Once or twice they had a little chat but not normally.
Their messages were , are you free tonight? , Yes, come over then.

@SirMoanalot

Your expectations were casual dating not fwb.

Exactly, FWB or fuck buddy is just sex, no frills. That's what he thought was going on.

You thought you were casual dating. No.

Anyway, you should have called time after the first time.

Come on now... you can be a fuck buddy and take care of your partners needs. In fact if you’re not doing that what is the point of you. You would have thought his ego wouldn’t have wanted the reputation as a 5 minute wonder. Never mind OP there are plenty of men with better manners ( and stamina) who would want to meet you I’m sure.

Lucky escape. He sounds the type to get the cheesecake out of the fridge, eat half, and throw the rest in the bin while you were still looking for your spoon.
You didn't get the friend, and only he got the benefits. Next time you meet, if he suggests another session, you might just give a pitying shake of the head, while muttering about lack of staying power.

YADNBU OP. If it's any consolation, he will find it far harder to find a new FWB than you will. Hold your head up high, ignore and move on.

Well, it's clear from the responses that the definition of FWB isn't clear cut! When I've had FWBs the men have visited me with booze and food in hand, we'd watch a film, have sex and they'd go the next morning. No going out dating, no deeper relationship, no commitment or expectations of it being any more than that, just respectful fun. Even when I had something even more casual he didn't treat me as badly as OP's man. I think all OP did wrong was not lay out the her expectations/ground rules in more detail before the first fuck.

You definitely need to let him go. Don’t feed his ego by texting him anymore. He’ll find it a turn off anyway and it’ll make you look desperate. He was using you for one thing and one thing only it sounds like you want a bit more which I can’t see him ever giving you. Time to move on! Xx

Many ways to do FWB but the entire point is that you get to demand the kind of B you want.

If you want to fuck and go, you find someone who also wants that. If you want a bit more cosiness and companionship, find someone who wants that.

In any case, if the sex is shit then it renders the entire exercise pointless!

Don't text any more but don't block him yet, so that when the inevitable booty call message comes in you can reply 'no thanks, wasn't very good last time so I'll give it a miss' and THEN block.

Candida that was more my idea of how things would be. I'd go over, we'd have a drink, maybe something to eat, have sex, and perhaps I'd stay the night. There would be an amount of warmth and respect.

I didn't expect to hear from him in a chatty sense, only to make arrangements. I didn't expect to be exclusive. I didn't expect to be taken out. I didn't expect it to last. But what he expected shocked me tbh. Why not just have a wank?

As a PP said, there are many ways to do a FWB relationship. You clearly wanted more time and commitment and judging by your reaction and wanting to call him out, you are clearly more attached than you think. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if deep down you hoped it would lead to more.

Pop round for sex and leave is not disrespectful, if the two consenting adults are ok with that. You can still respect each other when it comes to time and space and during sex during a relationship like that. I still don’t think he’s been disrespectful, you just had very different expectations than he did. You both communicated it but it sounds like you only wanted it his way.

Edit - you only wanted it your way

I hate this idea that some posters have that the man somehow gets to dictate things, and when they behave badly, women shouldn't complain because they didn't promise a relationship. If one party is dissatisfied, that means there is something wrong. The OP says she wouldn't have got involved if she had known what he was really like.

I think the advice above about just doing ONSs or getting a boyfriend is good. At least with ONSs, you don't get emotionally involved. All this build up, the flirting, etc is game playing on his part to get you hooked and I suspect he's enjoyed the discard and expected it to be more drawn out.

Especially as it was done through a mutual interest. The reason I asked you what the shared hobby was is that I know a spinning class instructor and a dance teacher who do exactly this type of behavior, and are now quite notorious. But there's quite a lot of men who use their business as a way to get women to sleep with them, as it means they have more contact than the average man with different women.

I actually think this is far worse behaviour than those awful men on OLD who are rude and upfront about their intentions. You sound quite traumatised OP, probably be ause you had bonded with him to some extent as it sounds like the flirtation went on for quite a while, and you probably thought you were safe from being treated badly as you knew him through the shared hobby and he wasn't a total stranger. In reality, that type can be the worst of all.

Console yourself with the thought that it's not you who is turning into the raddled, been-round-the-clock sleaze. It must be awful to be a sleazy man, especially as you get older, and your success rate drops off and the rejections mount up.

What I want to do is tell him off

What you want is for him to care.

@GreenlandTheMovie

But it’s not that he didn’t promise a relationship. It’s that at their very first hook up he made it clear he only wanted sex and so wanted her to leave after but she got upset at that. They are both entitled to want what they want, but there also seems to be man hating here that because he only wanted strictly sex, he’s somehow the baddie. He always made it clear this is what he wanted, and he tried to respect what OP wanted but he reverted back to his old ways yet OP carried on seeing him. I still don’t see what he’s done wrong. They weren’t on the same page for what they want from their relationship and in hindsight, they should have not seen each other again because of it, but they did. Now OP is left feeling hurt as a result, but I still don’t see what he’s done wrong.

Tbh, I never understand this advice to repress all upset and anger and never call people out on bad behaviour! I really think this is why so many people get bitter and jaded because they just repress, repress, repress and never get the chance to actually confront what's pissed them off.

I ALWAYS call out shitty behaviour. Not in a horrible way - but in a matter of fact way, that lays out why I think what they did was unacceptable. And if they were an arsehole, I tell them so. I don't give 2 shits at that point on how they think of me after. Why would I? They aren't thinking of you when they're hurtful or disprespectful.

And this ridiculous narrative women get fed- be the better person, take the high ground, don't show him you're upset. Why?! If you're upset, and angry, make damn sure he knows. Because you're getting to speak your truth, and getting to make your voice heard. That's why you call out bad behaviour.

Victims of sexual assault are often told that confronting their accuser in court - even if they don't win the case is therapeutic and helps their recovery. Just the opportunity to vocalise their feelings. That thinking will help you too - it will help you get over him a LOT FASTER if you can vocalise how his bad behaviour has upset you - to him. He isn't going to think better of you for keeping silent, he's just going to think he can get away with treating you badly. And will re-surface again when he thinks you've calmed down - for the cycle to repeat. By standing your ground, letting him know he's a twat and fuck boy and can get in the bin - he won't dare think he can come crawling back for a repeat performance.

Speaking up, and calling out bad behaviour is strong. Ignoring it, deleting, blocking is you telling yourself that your feelings don't matter because someone can hurt them and you've just stayed silent. Don't do that to yourself. Call him out!

@1stDecember

What I want to do is tell him off

What you want is for him to care.

This, a million times this!