Calling out this man for his shitty behaviour is a terrible idea isn't it.

[VotNow]

Casual relationship. We agreed to be FWB. This was preceded by a couple of months heavy flirting during which he gave every impression of being very attracted to me. He even told someone else he fancied me (who then told me.) All the body language, the catching him watching me when he thought I wasn't looking, the finding excuses to be around me and stand close to me, the playful flirty joking around.

He said he only wanted sex from the start. Fine. I wanted sex with him too. But he was a dreadful FWB. The first time we hooked up he basically told me it was time for me to go after we were finished. I put my foot down and told him I expected to be treated with respect and kindness, even in a casual relationship, and he seemed to get a little better. The second time we got together he made me food and we spent more time talking etc. I was happy enough with that. But he reverted back to being disrespectful and rude again. Ignoring messages when it suited him. Texting at 11.45pm at night (which to be fair, I ignored because I'm not going round at that time.)

The last time we got together was after I had backed off a fair bit. We bumped into eachother and one thing led to another. I still fancied him a lot. But this time he came really quickly (unlike him) and then basically announced - like the first time we got together - that he was done and it was time for me to go now.

We talked and I made it clear that this was unnacceptable to me. That I had been looking forward to some hot sex with someone who would be my friend. I told him that although I was happy with casual and knew we would not be serious, that I thought we had real chemistry. He shook his head and just said we should call it a day. Basically said that I had only been a willing vagina rather than someone he felt an actual connection with.

Well of course I agree that if it's going to be like this then we should call it a day. But I remember back to when we were flirting and how he couldn't do enough for me - getting me drinks and making me coffees at our shared hobby. Always finding excuses to hang around me. The flirting. The staring as I walked past. You don't fake that sort of body language - I now feel so confused. How could I have got it so wrong? It stings and humiliates like buggery.

And I feel furious. With myself for not dumping his arse far sooner, but also with him. I feel he has treated me like shit. The only decent thing he has ever done is end things definitively rather than just ghosting me.

What I want to do is tell him off. Send him a message telling him he's a shit. That decent men are able to treat casual partners decently while maintaining the necessary boundaries. I want to tell him he's immature and that I deserved better.

But this is a terrible idea isn't it. He will probably just tell himself I'm crazy and that I lurve him (I don't.) And considering I haven't contacted him in any way for almost a week since he ended things, if I message now I'm just going to look like I'm still thinking about it (I am but perhaps he does not need to know this.)

How to handle. We're not strangers and are still going to see eachother about.

@VotNow

hearyehearye I am trained to deliver and facilitate the Freedom Programme. I worked in domestic abuse service provision for many years as both a refuge and floating support worker.

A huge proportion of women have an abusive ex partner and/or have experienced some form of male violence. We are not all "extremely vulnerable."

I am not "extremely vulnerable." Not by any stretch of the imagination. I can struggle with poor boundaries certainly, as can many people. But your post is pure projection and guesswork, as are a lot of other posts on this thread.

You are trained to deliver the Freedom Programme but a man kicked you out after sex and you went back for more and you struggled to cope with saying no?

You keep posting trying to decipher his intentions even though they are extremely clear and you are doing that thing that people with terrible boundaries do where they try to project mysterious and complex motives onto other people that enable them to still engage.

I'm sorry but you are vulnerable. Maybe working with other DV survivors makes you feel better than them in comparison but your boundaries are way off.

I would quit all your support worker stuff and focus on therapy to strengthen your own boundaries significantly. You really need it. Any guy could lead you on a merry dance. Seriously, you are not safe.

hereyehereye You are trained to deliver the Freedom Programme but a man kicked you out after sex and you went back for more and you struggled to cope with saying no?

Well actually what happened was I tried to set boundaries and negotiate a relationship closer to what I was looking for. This worked for a time, then didn't. I took too long to give up on the idea entirely, true. But let's just say you're right. What did you imagine? That women who work(ed) in DA service provision are somehow innoculated against ever being on the receiving end of shitty male behaviour? That the Freedom Program makes one bulletproof? Bless you. We are just ordinary women. I know a great deal about domestic violence and best practice in terms of supporting survivors, but I'm still living in the same world as everyone else. And so were all my old colleagues. Some of us were in healthy relationships, some were not, and some were in abusive relationships, just like any other cross section of women. Did you think we all did our training and suddenly POW we never caught a scrap of shit off any man ever again? All human beings can struggle with relationships and boundaries.

I am no longer a support worker - I now work in an entirely different sector - but I never saw myself as "better" than any of the women I supported and would not have lasted long in my job had I done so. As it was I had an excellent reputation.

You don't know me, Hearye. You have no clue other than what's written here about one very specific circumstance in my life. From that you have extrapolated wildly, going so far as to suggest that I should give up what you believe to be my paid employment to "focus on therapy." I mean, my kids quite like eating so...

You're being ridiculous. And I can only assume you're writing about yourself (or a past version of yourself that you have projected onto my thread.)

As for looking for excuses to still engage - I blocked him?

Glad you blocked him op. Don't beat yourself up about the cringey message - we've all been there after one too many wines and lived to tell the tale.

I think we expect that we think we SHOULD feel a certain way (glad/resolute/at peace with our decisions or whatever) when we choose to end things with someone for whom we've liked against our better judgement, and feel annoyed with ourselves because emotions and human nature just aren't that cut and dried.

It's bloody irritating that once we've made what we know is the right decision, it doesn't feel instantly 'right' and there's residual feelings that make us uncomfortable.

You're human. You did good. You'll be fine