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Relationships

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Original poster

Calling out this man for his shitty behaviour is a terrible idea isn't it.

478 replies

VotNow · 02/12/2020 22:10

Casual relationship. We agreed to be FWB. This was preceded by a couple of months heavy flirting during which he gave every impression of being very attracted to me. He even told someone else he fancied me (who then told me.) All the body language, the catching him watching me when he thought I wasn't looking, the finding excuses to be around me and stand close to me, the playful flirty joking around.

He said he only wanted sex from the start. Fine. I wanted sex with him too. But he was a dreadful FWB. The first time we hooked up he basically told me it was time for me to go after we were finished. I put my foot down and told him I expected to be treated with respect and kindness, even in a casual relationship, and he seemed to get a little better. The second time we got together he made me food and we spent more time talking etc. I was happy enough with that. But he reverted back to being disrespectful and rude again. Ignoring messages when it suited him. Texting at 11.45pm at night (which to be fair, I ignored because I'm not going round at that time.)

The last time we got together was after I had backed off a fair bit. We bumped into eachother and one thing led to another. I still fancied him a lot. But this time he came really quickly (unlike him) and then basically announced - like the first time we got together - that he was done and it was time for me to go now.

We talked and I made it clear that this was unnacceptable to me. That I had been looking forward to some hot sex with someone who would be my friend. I told him that although I was happy with casual and knew we would not be serious, that I thought we had real chemistry. He shook his head and just said we should call it a day. Basically said that I had only been a willing vagina rather than someone he felt an actual connection with.

Well of course I agree that if it's going to be like this then we should call it a day. But I remember back to when we were flirting and how he couldn't do enough for me - getting me drinks and making me coffees at our shared hobby. Always finding excuses to hang around me. The flirting. The staring as I walked past. You don't fake that sort of body language - I now feel so confused. How could I have got it so wrong? It stings and humiliates like buggery.

And I feel furious. With myself for not dumping his arse far sooner, but also with him. I feel he has treated me like shit. The only decent thing he has ever done is end things definitively rather than just ghosting me.

What I want to do is tell him off. Send him a message telling him he's a shit. That decent men are able to treat casual partners decently while maintaining the necessary boundaries. I want to tell him he's immature and that I deserved better.

But this is a terrible idea isn't it. He will probably just tell himself I'm crazy and that I lurve him (I don't.) And considering I haven't contacted him in any way for almost a week since he ended things, if I message now I'm just going to look like I'm still thinking about it (I am but perhaps he does not need to know this.)

How to handle. We're not strangers and are still going to see eachother about.

OP posts:

GreenlandTheMovie · 02/12/2020 23:03

What was the shared hobby?

CunnyLingus · 02/12/2020 23:15

OP, why do you set your life goals so low?

CandyLeBonBon · 02/12/2020 23:20

You left it in the right way op. Don't look back

Original poster

VotNow · 02/12/2020 23:26

CunnyLingus don't remember mentioning my life goals? This is a post about a casual relationship.

OP posts:

Bunnymumy · 02/12/2020 23:39

Yeh he just wanted to hook up once or twice by the looks of things. And didn't even have the decency to act like he respected you or cared about your mutual satisfaction.

Finding a decent fwb is really difficult. Often they just want to shag you with no respect or they want you to fall in love with them and get pissy if you dont. The first one sucks but at least it means he is just your standard asshole.

You might be better to just do one night stands or find a bf tbh. Anything in between often gets messy.

Mulhollandmagoo · 02/12/2020 23:50

Block, move on and act breezy as hell next time you see him, you sound way to good for him!!

and have fun imagining the exact look on his face when he attempts to contact you and realises you've blocked his number

Opentooffers · 02/12/2020 23:56

Someone once told me (whilst admitting he was wrong to think that way) that the girls who were willing to shag him casually, or on first night, were ones he would never be interested in dating. Yes it's so wrong and hypocritical, but there we are. If you don't respect yourself, some men aren't going to respect you either. Somehow I think if a man says he just wants sex, either don't go there if you want more, or take them at their word and expect just sex, no friendship, just convenience at the time. It helps to have been friends first with a Fwb otherwise there hasn't been a friendship to base it on. It sounds like you wanted more than he did.

Enough4me · 03/12/2020 00:05

He sounds like a really inconsiderate lover and probably just as selfish in a relationship.
At least you aren't in a relationship struggling to encourage him to make an effort. I'd block and move on and be happy you have no commitment to him.

serpentina · 03/12/2020 00:09

I'd probably just be casual around him, take a long time to notice when he's walked into the room, say hi like you did before the flirting started. Then when he texts you for sex (which he will at some stage) you tell him you've got much better things to do with your time

TheLadyOfShallnott · 03/12/2020 00:11

Indifference is the way to go.

Don’t respond to texts. Don’t send him texts. Nod casually if he acknowledges you when you meet.

You owe him nothing. He has made it clear you mean nothing to him.

user1481840227 · 03/12/2020 00:58

Was he even your friend to begin with though?
For me FWB is with someone who is really genuinely your friend. I recently had one and we were genuinely friends first. Unfortunately he wanted a relationship and I didn't so now I've lost a friend but that's the risk you take with FWB.

What you describe sounds more like fuck buddy.

user1481840227 · 03/12/2020 01:04

Not saying he wasn't an arsehole btw because I think everyone should treat the person they're sleeping with with respect, especially right after sex.

Sssloou · 03/12/2020 01:07

Sounds like you have been through the idealise, devalue and discard charade.

He sounds emotionally quite stunted and sexually shallow/ hung up .... I expect he knows this and that is why he has to try to hard and go to great lengths to reel you in with the manipulative fake flirting and declare he only wants sex (and shit sex at that it sounds like) ..... he can’t have you get close because you would then see that beneath the surface there is v little. I suspect he has a v fragile ego. Ignore the blowing hot and cold - it is just a deliberate provocation to yank your chain to get a reaction to prove he has power and control of your emotions. Don’t give him that. Cool detached indifference will sting him much more than your anger which will give him pleasure.

Don’t beat yourself up about falling for his fake flirting - next time you will be more cautious.

grassisjeweled · 03/12/2020 01:15

Well rid, op.

Next!

Rubybluesy · 03/12/2020 01:16

Not sure what you expect from that sort of relationship

FifteenToes · 03/12/2020 01:16

The most decent thing he has done is being consistently open, honest and truthful with you. It was your choice not to listen and to imagine he was something he wasn't.

Whether telling him off now is a good or bad idea depends on what you hope to get out of it. It sounds like you want to make him feel bad about what he's done, and you'll certainly fail to achieve that because he doesn't share your moral outlook on the situation. And why should he?

OldWomanSaysThis · 03/12/2020 01:19

If you have the chance, download some of the self-published books by men about dating, sex, FWB, etc. It is enlightening. I have Kindle unlimited, so read quite a lot of these things a few years ago. It was REALLY helpful in understanding various men's view of sex and dating. There are books by women too like The Rules, but the books written by men are even better.

CharlotteRose90 · 03/12/2020 01:27

I’m sorry it’s not what you wanted but how he acted is what situation you were in. He told you to leave after sex as that’s most fwb you don’t get all the hugs and watching movies etc after it.

I personally think he was doing stuff being nice so he’d get what he wants which is sex that’s it. You sound like you want dates and a partner which isn’t him. No need to tell him off as he hasn’t done anything wrong. It’s you that took it the wrong way. Don’t contact him and move on.

avamiah · 03/12/2020 01:45

Yes I agree with CharlotteRose90 and Move on .
It was just sex and he stated that from the beginning .
As for seeing him everyday, so what, just be normal, life goes on .

RantyAnty · 03/12/2020 01:49

I can't imagine that the sex was even worth bothering with.
Men really can just fuck only for the orgasm and that's it.
Of course he was flirty and attentive. That's his act to get in your pants.
He did so he could drop the flirty parts and just worry about getting off when he was horny.
I can't see how a fwb would benefit you in any way.

NotPrude · 03/12/2020 02:33

I had a FWB relationship with someone for a few years. It was literally pop round, sex, go home. Every now and then we would stay in bed longer afterwards and chat and cuddle, but it was strictly a physical thing for us both.

Sounds like you wanted more of a casual relationship (i.e. the evening, the dinner, the time together with sex) whereas he was after a strictly sexual relationship. I don't think either of you are in the wrong, you just wanted different things. To give him credit, he never led you on...you can still have flirting, etc. to get you to the FWB stage and it doesn't sound like he's actually done anything wrong, you just wanted more.

Calling him out when he's not messed you around is actually shitty and desperate behaviour on your part. TBH it sounds like you weren't ready for a FWB relationship.

Ariesbaby89 · 03/12/2020 04:13

First of all don’t feel stupid! He is disrespectful, but let someone else deal with his shit! Block him and have no more contact.. x

RosyPickle · 03/12/2020 04:51

I think you should imagine how you might feel in a few month's time if you give him a bollocking vs maintaining a frosty/polite silence. If it were me, I'd go with the latter because the less you say, the less you give away or appear to care. Unfortunately his thought process will likely be to assume you were angling for a relationship if you follow it up with anything, which is maddening, but I have a feeling that's the narrative he'd choose to give himself an ego boost.

It sounds as if you had different expectations of a fwb arrangement. Maybe what you had in mind was something closer to a casual relationship, but you weren't wrong for expecting him to be respectful and not just shag you and then expect you to leave. That's just a bit soulless isn't it? He sounds limited, selfish and shallow in his whole approach, but at least he's been honest about what he wants and doesn't want and hasn't played mind games.

Move on with your head held high. You sound more enlightened than him and I would think of him slightly pityingly for not coming up to your expectations and therefore missing out because he chose to be a charmless knuckle-dragger.

Oh and definitely block and delete his contact details or you will probably go back on all your best intentions (if you're anything like me anyway!) He'll probably be back when he's horny and may well try turning on the charm again, so it's best you don't even know about that and can blithely go about your business.

RosyPickle · 03/12/2020 04:53

God my ridiculous phone has just will not let me do paragraphs on the app! Apologies for the dense thicket of text.

thosetalesofunexpected · 03/12/2020 06:22

Hi Op

Trust me, when you ignore him constantly and he sees that you could not care less, getting on fine with your life, acting like nothing happened btwn you both,

It will Confuse him a lot as he knows experts you to act hurt in a certain way,because you wanted more, than he do.

This will hurt this stone Age age man "knucle dragging" ego far more than you, realize,

(Especially When he gets horney, again and he thinks wants to get back in touch with you,sooner or later...

Men like this "get a kick" emotionally their ego is massaged big time,

if they see or think they can get some kind of reaction from you, that suggests you are affected by their behaviour..

I am talking from personal experience of dealing with extremely manipulative narrastistic psychopathic, ex boyfriend/former fwb.

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