Calling out this man for his shitty behaviour is a terrible idea isn't it.

[VotNow]

Casual relationship. We agreed to be FWB. This was preceded by a couple of months heavy flirting during which he gave every impression of being very attracted to me. He even told someone else he fancied me (who then told me.) All the body language, the catching him watching me when he thought I wasn't looking, the finding excuses to be around me and stand close to me, the playful flirty joking around.

He said he only wanted sex from the start. Fine. I wanted sex with him too. But he was a dreadful FWB. The first time we hooked up he basically told me it was time for me to go after we were finished. I put my foot down and told him I expected to be treated with respect and kindness, even in a casual relationship, and he seemed to get a little better. The second time we got together he made me food and we spent more time talking etc. I was happy enough with that. But he reverted back to being disrespectful and rude again. Ignoring messages when it suited him. Texting at 11.45pm at night (which to be fair, I ignored because I'm not going round at that time.)

The last time we got together was after I had backed off a fair bit. We bumped into eachother and one thing led to another. I still fancied him a lot. But this time he came really quickly (unlike him) and then basically announced - like the first time we got together - that he was done and it was time for me to go now.

We talked and I made it clear that this was unnacceptable to me. That I had been looking forward to some hot sex with someone who would be my friend. I told him that although I was happy with casual and knew we would not be serious, that I thought we had real chemistry. He shook his head and just said we should call it a day. Basically said that I had only been a willing vagina rather than someone he felt an actual connection with.

Well of course I agree that if it's going to be like this then we should call it a day. But I remember back to when we were flirting and how he couldn't do enough for me - getting me drinks and making me coffees at our shared hobby. Always finding excuses to hang around me. The flirting. The staring as I walked past. You don't fake that sort of body language - I now feel so confused. How could I have got it so wrong? It stings and humiliates like buggery.

And I feel furious. With myself for not dumping his arse far sooner, but also with him. I feel he has treated me like shit. The only decent thing he has ever done is end things definitively rather than just ghosting me.

What I want to do is tell him off. Send him a message telling him he's a shit. That decent men are able to treat casual partners decently while maintaining the necessary boundaries. I want to tell him he's immature and that I deserved better.

But this is a terrible idea isn't it. He will probably just tell himself I'm crazy and that I lurve him (I don't.) And considering I haven't contacted him in any way for almost a week since he ended things, if I message now I'm just going to look like I'm still thinking about it (I am but perhaps he does not need to know this.)

How to handle. We're not strangers and are still going to see eachother about.

"No, won't be able to. Have a good Christmas. 👍"

@VotNow - of your 3 options:

Ignore - this leaves it too open-ended (and it does leave you open to temptation to reignite later on).

Light hearted nah - he'll see that as setting him up for a challenge and he'll be all up to chase you like a dog on heat.

Have a right go - would show him he's got to you, a nice ego-stroke.

I'd serve it up cold, factual and unequivocal:

*I don't have either the time or the inclination to meet up. I'm on to other things nowadays. All the best.

He can pick the bones out of that one.

And if you wavering, just keep thinking back to how he made you feel when he rolled off you, job done and told you you could leave now. Do you really want him ever to have the chance to do that again.

Madness is doing the same thing and expecting a different result.

@JurassicParkAha

And it's such a myth that silence will affect him more.

What you're missing is, he doesn't care. He's sent that same message to other girls and someone will bite. So he isn't thinking at all whether you texted indifference or didn't text at all. He won't even notice tbh. In fact if you make the effort of replying, he knows you're open to keeping communication alive. He'll keep hitting you up every month till you either tell him to F off or block him.

This. He doesn't give a shit so any thoughts of silence being some sort of revenge or lesson for him is silly.

Just block him. And stop engaging with him. It's done now, time to move on.

Exactly what @daisychain01 said, short, sweet and straight to the point. Make sure that you don't slip a 'sorry but' in there as well. Keep it clinical and leave no room for manoeuvre.

I'd look at why you won't block him. Clearly a part of you likes this drama.

Absolutely don’t respond. He is thriving on the drama and the fact he thinks you want him. Ignore, ignore, ignore!

@KatherineJaneway

I'd look at why you won't block him. Clearly a part of you likes this drama.

I do think there is something to this - that by blocking him you are acknowledging that he wasn't interested and because you find that upsetting you are avoiding blocking him and it being over over. But it's over regardless. Definitely time to move on properly by disengaging entirely - you are still giving him unwarranted headspace by not blocking him as when he messages you then dissect what he means and let it get in your head.

@VotNow

IMO, I don't see that you wanted a relationship other than basic friendship with good sex occasionally thrown in. Someone needs to explain to him (and to several posters) the difference between FB and FWB. You didn't agree to be someone's booty call, and he doesn't seem to get the "friend" part. What an ass!

I did finally block him.

I messaged a short no thanks message back to the one he sent asking to get together, to which he replied 'no worries' but then fluffed it a day or so later by messaging again with a more emotional 'a part of me would like to see you but I'm just not going to because it's a terrible idea and you can't just come back after ending things like nothing happened.' Which he ignored.

I then messaged a merry christmas a few days ago and told him if he still wanted to get together I would like to see him but a few minutes on his couch and then goodbye was unnacceptable to me and couldn't happen again. If he wanted to spend a proper evening together he could let me know. Don't have a go at me, I know what a poor move this was and I'm already cringing so hard - it was Christmas, I'd had too much to drink, and I had a weak moment.

Anyway, 24 hours later he had not even opened the message. Whether he would have got round to reading it I don't know because as soon as I realised I was obsessively checking to see, I finally thought this is fucking ridiculous and blocked him.

I know blocking makes me seem angry and bothered (and a bit mad considering the message I'd just sent) but I couldn't see any other option. He was always going to keep randomly coming back and trying to hit me up, stopping me from being able to forget him. I was always going to be tempted and potentially making a tit of myself in a weak moment. So I cut him out to make it all stop.

We're in a tier four area so hobby won't be starting again until at least early to mid Feb. Six weeks. By the time we see eachother again it will be in the past. Right now though, I feel absolutely dreadful. So embarrassed. I've played this poorly and demeaned myself when I had every opportunity to walk away with my head high. Hand hold?

Forget all the messages you sent now, they're done and gone like last year, thank goodness. New year new start. You've blocked him at last, don't look back.
If he ever refers to any of it, I would look puzzled and say you can't really remember now, it feels like last year was a long time ago. Not denying it happened but minimising its significance, if that makes sense.

He has been honest all along. He wanted sex. Not a friendship or relationship.

You shot a lot of us down when we suggested that you liked him more than you made out. You also shot us down when we suggested that he made his intentions clear from day 1 but you wanted more. From your texts to him, it’s clear all of that was accurate.

Move on with your life and hopefully you’ll meet someone new this year who will give you what you need and want.

Ps. Blocking him was the right move. Keeping him blocked will be a lot harder. Maybe delete his number to avoid the temptation?

I think it's a good thing you did message him and could see for yourself how little he valued you, as a friend. Blocking him was great, delete number too so you aren't tempted to unblock. It will hurt for a bit but soon you'll have gotten over him and moved on. Don't try to talk to him at your hobby, or fall into the trap if he's nice to you again. You'll be absolutely fine

Just make sure you put it right behind you this time and don’t fall for any more of his lines (because he will try again at some point).

His number is deleted and he's blocked on Facebook so all methods of contacting eachother have been cut off.

I never denied wanting more than him, NotPrude. He wanted to fuck and go. I wanted a fun friendship with some enjoyable sex thrown in. I just denied that that meant I was secretly crazy about him. I wasn't. I'm not. There aren't only two extremes: not caring a jot or madly in love. There are shades of grey. I wanted some warmth and respect, he didn't want to give it. OK, I mean whatever, it's done now.

I think he's an absolute cunt and that his behaviour is deplorable. I treat my abusive ex partner with more courtesy and decency than he has treated me. I didn't do anything to deserve that.

At the end of the day he gave getting what he wanted another try, and I did exactly the same. Didn't work out for either of us did it.

@VotNow

I'm new and didn't see all this when you first posted. Just seen it now.... and I have been where you are and I know how much it stings. It fucking hurts and the kicking yourself for sending messages/replying....him not even opening the message for 24 hours.. been there. Its paralyzing and it doesnt change. I humiliated myself for MONTHS over one particular man I met online. We met up a few times.. he would lead me on....blank me.....messages unread for days and then pop back up with the "how are you?" Every week or so. He was a FWB, he made it clear what he wanted but it's hard to be that cold. I can't be. Emotions get involved....one sided expectation, one sided effort, I felt like I was throwing myself around him in the end. Such a bad look! Eventually after one humiliation too many, i cut him off. It hurt, he did not need to be so cold, so mean.... but I realise now that's just who he is. I admit I thought he'd change. He didnt.

None of this helps you but just to say, you're human, shit happens...so what if you sent that final text. Bit embarrassing but so is sex that lasts 60 seconds... he has his own shame to carry!

You fuxked up a bit. So what, we all do. Please never ever message him again and dont be too hard on yourself....we've all done the cringe text thing.... x

Thanks Packitin, I appreciate it. I am beginning to get little flickers of feeling much better/stronger. Ignoring him, giving him the brush off but continuing to keep the lines of communication open etc all felt like quite passive ways of dealing with the situation. Pretending not to give a hoot when I do wasn't working really. Blocking may give the impression I'm angry or bothered, but I am both angry and bothered and this at least feels like decisive action. I've cut it off. He can't keep testing to see if the door is still open. I'm now in a position to leave it behind properly. It was definitely the right decision.

And it properly sends the message that I find his behaviour unnacceptable too. Whinging about it, saying I won't put up with it, but continuing to engage sends out woolly signals. He just wasn't going to change - if anything he was getting worse.

Don't be too hard on yourself for struggling to let it go. It happens. He has acted badly and probably is a nob anyway. I still cringe when I think of messages I sent to a guy who did something similar but was even more romantic and relationshippy. That was a year ago hahaha. I figure in 5 years I may no longer cringe! That's life, I guess

I've had something similar in a more romantic, relationshippy context too CrazyToast. He sent me a merry Xmas message a few days ago: "Always in my heart. xx" Am I mate

I've no problems ignoring him. I read it and just chuckled to myself; thought knob off you insincere bastard. And left him on read. Not because I'm an arse or I'm cruel but because I know it's just not true and he's fishing. No need to block in his case because the attraction is long gone. The temptation to respond just isn't there. But still he tries...

He will continue to try. Stay strong babe, he is insignificant ...make him feel it.

X

I knew there would be an abusive ex partner. Do the Freedom Program because you are projecting a lot onto this guy and it seems unhealthy. Ultimately you may not be able to engage in casual hookups and that's fine! Some people can and some can't.

The problem is that you are trying to hold people to these standards but the only way to ensure you are treated with respect is to DATE PEOPLE WHO TREAT YOU WITH RESPECT. Chastising and lecturing people doesn't work. They don't change, at least more than temporarily. Boundaries protect you, right? But The reality is that you still felt diminished and ashamed when he told you to leave even though you'd told him to change? So telling people to change is not the right way to create boundaries. The right way to create boundaries is to leave whenever you feel disrespected.

Sometimes women who've been in abusive relationships learn the wrong lesson. They've spent so long hiding the truth and being ashamed that they think asserting their boundaries is about doing the most talking. But it's not.Ultimately boundaries are about walking away. They're not about righteous anger.

That's what I think Bluntness was trying to get at. It's not about being cool. It's about setting boundaries that work for you. You have to take responsibility to protect yourself because in reality, no one else will.

I mean you know this guy is wrong for you and he was basically honest from the start and you are still struggling to let him go. Imagine if this guy was actually nefarious or abusive. He would be controlling you with ease. You are extremely vulnerable and that's what's really upset you. You felt that you could cope casual sex under quite narrow conditions and this guy didn't deliver. But the reality is in life there are no guarantees. And this guy gave off tons of indications that you weren't on the same page. If you feel so humiliated by him, you need to give up on the idea of casual sex because you are not going to be able to cope with what's out there.

And do the freedom program!

hearyehearye I am trained to deliver and facilitate the Freedom Programme. I worked in domestic abuse service provision for many years as both a refuge and floating support worker.

A huge proportion of women have an abusive ex partner and/or have experienced some form of male violence. We are not all "extremely vulnerable."

I am not "extremely vulnerable." Not by any stretch of the imagination. I can struggle with poor boundaries certainly, as can many people. But your post is pure projection and guesswork, as are a lot of other posts on this thread.

Late to the thread, didn't RTFT, and no experience of casual relationship bar one holiday fling once but I'm going to throw my uneducated opinion in anyhow. I think he has behaved shittily.
From what I can gather there are 3 basic ways things can be arranged with this type of relationship:

1. FWB. Coffee, walks in the park, chatting about Brexit or whatever, plus shags. Non exclusive relationship but honesty about STD risks (and Covid risks in these times). Fine if either party wants to call the whole thing off at any stage.

1. Fuck buddy. Lay the parameters out a bit first but basically one night stand style sex. Mutual fun shags to be had (or at least a kind of well I'm not that into it tonight but sure go ahead I don't mind and you can go down on me at the weekend, ie it being roughly even fun had when all balanced out).

1. Prostitute, but for free.

He knew you wanted #1. He said at the start he only wanted sex- which kind of implies #2 cos what woman would agree to 3? Rare is the woman who finds fulfilment in being banged for 5 minutes with no thought to her pleasure then being pushed silently out the door. Technically his stated expectation could be #2 or #3. He actually wanted #3 but knew you'd never go for that, so by his actions at the start dangled at least #2 ,and by the sounds of it was quite happy to act in a way that would keep you in hopes of development to #1 so would be more likely to tolerate #3 for the maximum length of time, even if his words promised no more than sex.

You weren't a complete fool or anything but next time with somebody else set your stall out and don't tolerate #3. If the sex isn't fun for you, plus a basic level of politeness and respect just terminate the arrangement toot sweet- if he doesn't give a crap about your feelings and pleasure he isn't going to magically start.