Calling out this man for his shitty behaviour is a terrible idea isn't it.

[VotNow]

Casual relationship. We agreed to be FWB. This was preceded by a couple of months heavy flirting during which he gave every impression of being very attracted to me. He even told someone else he fancied me (who then told me.) All the body language, the catching him watching me when he thought I wasn't looking, the finding excuses to be around me and stand close to me, the playful flirty joking around.

He said he only wanted sex from the start. Fine. I wanted sex with him too. But he was a dreadful FWB. The first time we hooked up he basically told me it was time for me to go after we were finished. I put my foot down and told him I expected to be treated with respect and kindness, even in a casual relationship, and he seemed to get a little better. The second time we got together he made me food and we spent more time talking etc. I was happy enough with that. But he reverted back to being disrespectful and rude again. Ignoring messages when it suited him. Texting at 11.45pm at night (which to be fair, I ignored because I'm not going round at that time.)

The last time we got together was after I had backed off a fair bit. We bumped into eachother and one thing led to another. I still fancied him a lot. But this time he came really quickly (unlike him) and then basically announced - like the first time we got together - that he was done and it was time for me to go now.

We talked and I made it clear that this was unnacceptable to me. That I had been looking forward to some hot sex with someone who would be my friend. I told him that although I was happy with casual and knew we would not be serious, that I thought we had real chemistry. He shook his head and just said we should call it a day. Basically said that I had only been a willing vagina rather than someone he felt an actual connection with.

Well of course I agree that if it's going to be like this then we should call it a day. But I remember back to when we were flirting and how he couldn't do enough for me - getting me drinks and making me coffees at our shared hobby. Always finding excuses to hang around me. The flirting. The staring as I walked past. You don't fake that sort of body language - I now feel so confused. How could I have got it so wrong? It stings and humiliates like buggery.

And I feel furious. With myself for not dumping his arse far sooner, but also with him. I feel he has treated me like shit. The only decent thing he has ever done is end things definitively rather than just ghosting me.

What I want to do is tell him off. Send him a message telling him he's a shit. That decent men are able to treat casual partners decently while maintaining the necessary boundaries. I want to tell him he's immature and that I deserved better.

But this is a terrible idea isn't it. He will probably just tell himself I'm crazy and that I lurve him (I don't.) And considering I haven't contacted him in any way for almost a week since he ended things, if I message now I'm just going to look like I'm still thinking about it (I am but perhaps he does not need to know this.)

How to handle. We're not strangers and are still going to see eachother about.

@IJustWantSomeBees

My posts are very very clear, so stop twisting what I'm saying. I never once said she was not entitled to respect. She set out what she wanted, and he set out what he wanted. They were mismatched, that is all it was. They both should have walked away when it became clear they were not on the same level but they carried on, so OP is just as responsible as he is. OP wanted more and he didn't and now OP is upset that he never wanted more, when he made that clear from the very very beginning. So many people have this narrative that just because a man's intention is to get into a woman's pants, he must be an ass, but he never once led her on to get there. She went there willingly and carried on going there. OP is clearly not suitable for a FWB relationship, and that's completely fine, but doesn't mean the man is automatically the bad guy.

And you know exactly what I mean about slut shaming...your hypocrisy in your posts to OP and then to me speaks volumes.

cuddlymunchkin I really see these attitudes expressed by yourself and lisalemon as a kind of modern day slut shaming.

"Sex without commitment?? Where is your respect for yourself?" "You wanted a shag, you got a shag, why are you complaining?"

In other words, "act like a slut, expect to be treated like one."

Sex without commitment is one thing. Being treated with less warmth and respect than the woman who serves you your cans down the off licence is something else entirely. I did not ask for the latter and I did not deserve the latter.

Seriously. Fuck off.

i think when he says you should leave now after hook up is quite degrading. its like he hired you as a free p... (sorry)
when he got what he wanted and want you gone what he supposed to say? maybe a bit politer.
fwb relations are tricky and i think you musnt involve any feelings. in this case he went too far to being disrespectful.
his first stage interest was fake as you see, it was all to get what he wanted. now he doesnt bother.
he is not a good person and a very rude one.
thats another experience for you to put away.
dont ever contact him.

Your doing a lot of thinking and analysing over something you say you weren't invested in.
Your expectations of a FWB are quite high and his very low. Find someone more on your wavelength

You've not done anything wrong. You agreed to a FWB situation. He decided he didn't need to bother with the friend part. You made your expectations clear and gave him another chance - probably because you're a decent person and thought he would be too if you explained what you wanted. Unfortunately, he wasn't. Not your fault.

Honestly, he sounds like a dick who is all about the chase, who wants what he can't have. That's tedious for a lot of women - why should we have to pretend to be aloof and play games to up our value in men's eyes?

It also sounds like he was shit in bed.

Don't contact him. It will just reinforce his idea that he's pretty special and had the power to hurt you. I imagine he'll get in contact with you again at some point when he wants to feel likes he's still got power over you - then you'll have the satisfaction of ignoring the fucker and wondering what you ever saw in him.

Sounds like he wanted all the benefits but none of the friendship.

Have no more to do with him.

Do not contact him ever at all ....that will hurt his ego
Any contact will feed him and boost his ego, don't give him any more opportunities to fuck with you

Op. Take a step back read your posts.

He told you he just wanted sex.

You wanted dinner, drinks, over night stays, and cuddles.

You wanted rhe boyfriend experience without the label.

He wanted sex. Like he told you he wanted.

He did not want sex with dinner, drinks, over night stays and cuddles. He never told you he wished this.

How you translated him saying I want just sex,,which is hook up, shag, leave, to let’s have dinner drinks, over night stays and cuddles every couple of weeks is beyond me.

So don’t text him, he was honest from the start. The issue is you wanted more. You didn’t want just sex. You wanted the boyfriend experience. He didn’t treat you badly purely because he didn’t wish this. Becayse he never misled you into thinking he did.

The fact you wanted something he was never offering doesn’t make him the bad guy.

OP he was lusting after you for 2 months, and that wasn't faked, but that's all he wanted from you. All his efforts were leading up to the shag and then he got it and didn't feel like he had to make any effort to make you feel special any more. Just wanted to repeat the shag on his terms.

Its pretty lame but i don't think he led you on.. I can see why you felt disrespected at the same time though. Just 2 people not compatible I think.

I was casually dating (?) a guy, we both said no relationship but were hanging out and having sex. but he would always say stuff like "I would never want to lose you, you're perfect" and "I want to see you, not just for sex".. But when I got annoyed with him for being flakey with communication and he acted like I was a bunny boiler.

There's no rules here it seems, everyone is after their own needs at any one point in time. It's exhausting 🤷‍♀️

I had the same issue as you this year. He agreed that there could the possibility of a relationship in the future (there wasnt) We also set off going for tea and then to bed, but he eventually reduced this down to bed only. This is when I stopped meeting and blocked him.

I was expecting a friend with benefits and he wanted a fuck buddy, despite the fact that he had agreed to be a FWB with meals, once a fortnight.

He did get back in contact via facebook messenger because I hadn't realised he was on it. They always come back and they are very determined! Like someone else said, there are far more men looking than there are women.

Despite what some posters think, some of us are ok being independent and single (maybe until the right man comes along), but we do occasionally like a few hours of hot sex and companionship.

The fact you wanted something he was never offering doesn’t make him the bad guy
True, but the fact he treated her like shit DOES making the bad guy

It seems like you thought you were FWB, he thought you were FB.

OP it's pretty bad you let it get to a stage where he could end it. You really should have dropped him after the first time. I totally get why you're annoyed at yourself! I think this let home think he could do what he wanted.

You made it clear you wanted a tiny bit of respect like just basic manners. Her obviously didn't want to just be remotely civil so ended it. I don't think there's anything more to say. He knows what you would tell him and doesn't care. Block and move on.

I think fwb is a good idea technically but shit like tjsi is why it often doesn't work.

He's just a player, they are ten a penny, he just said and did whatever he thought would make you do what he wanted you to do
the goal being to get his needs met whilst doing as little as possible for you

@NotPrude No. All of your comments have blamed the OP for not being clear in what she wanted, despite the fact that she was very clear with him after the first meet up. On the other hand, your last comment is the first time you have truly admitted that this man has any responsibility in this situation, before that you were adamant that this was all down to OP misunderstanding herself/the situation.

I certainly have not shamed you, are you sure it's me who's twisting things? Disagreeing with someone is not the same thing as shaming someone, I simply do not agree with your sentiments, and that's ok. At the end of the day we fundamentally disagree about what constitutes respect, so we'll have to leave it now as we're going round in circles. The OP knows that his behaviour was unacceptable and that's all that matters.

@IJustWantSomeBees

Re-read my comments - OP needs to take ownership of her actions rather than blame the man, which is what a lot of people here are doing. That has been my position all along and I never once excused him...I just don't agree with the narrative that OP has been messed around here and the guy is automatically the bad guy.

Your words it's fine if you're a cool girl and don't mind being treated like this, but don't expect other women to have a low bar just because you do. You go on and on about respect, but your lack of respect to people who think it is perfectly possible for women to have a respectful no strings attached relationship is disappointing.

@VotNow ha ha . What a load of old nonsense you've just spewed at me. I didn't say anything like that nor imply anything like that and you know it so please don't project any more of your insecurities all over me

Honestly he was upfront with you. You've allowed him to treat you like this for reasons only you know. I didn't imply you were a slut what a weird thing to pull from my original response

How about you fuck off yourself eh? This time try and do it with a spot of pride in yourself

NotPrude and IJustWantSomeBees on this thread are a good example of people who are just on a different wavelength from each other IMO. No one is necessarily twisting anything. Just different takes on the situation. Probably much like OP and that bloke.

I've plenty of pride in myself Lisa lemon. I'm a decent person. I'm a good friend, a good mother, a good daughter. I know I deserve to be treated with warmth and respect. Just because I agree to sex outside a relationship doesn't mean I don't.

Get another hobby why don't you. Trying to make other women feel shit about themselves online isn't a worthwhile one.

A lot of us, women spend our lifetimes avoiding the shag and leave type. The problem is the flirt for 2 months after meeting through a mutual hobby type are very difficult to spot in advance.

In no way should the OP be made to feel thys was her fault or that she somehow agreed to a series of experiences that made her feel bad. If some women are so easily taken in by men they feel that whenever one if them shows an interest in them they cannot be criticised, that's theirs to live with. Don't expect others to agree.

You have to be very tough emotionally to cope with shagging and then being kicked out. Some people just don't form emotional bonds or have well integrated sex lives (where they have affection for those they have sex with). Its estimated at 1 in 20 people, isn't it?

FWB indicates to me some affection, time spent together being friends other than shagging, perhaps dinner or spending time together the next day, but falling shirt of the regular commitment of boyfriend or girlfriend. Very different from casual
sex/FB.

Men who just want casual sex really aren't that popular, nor do they have their pick of women (except the billionaires amongst them and even they usyalky by have short term girlfriends), which is why they know they have to fake something more to get sex.

Wow! The slut shamers are out in full force today aren’t they! How dare women have casual sex right?! Women don’t do sex and then leave. If they do they have set a low bar for themselves... Disgusting! Not the sort of attitudes you would expect from women towards other women, although I guess women can be worse slut shamers than men!

OP, your guy was clear over what he wanted. He said on day one he wants just sex. You wanted more of a casual relationship and he tried to give it a go. Not what he wanted. His behaviour isn’t shitty. Once it became clear that you want different things, he suggested you call it a day. It’s not as if he led you on and kept you dangling. What did you expect? You say you wanted respect but he tried to do that the second time you met up. It wasn’t for him. The alternative wasn’t for you either but you kept going back and allowed the alternative to continue. You gave him what he wanted and he didn’t give you want you wanted and you let that happen. Own your actions and stop blaming others.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a FWB or fuck buddy relationship with somebody, but if one person is more emotionally invested than the other (which it sounds like you were), it won’t work.

Hi OP. I know you've already said you haven't and won't message but just another vote here for not giving him any more of your time. The way you left things is fine and would probably dent his ego more. If you do message him, he'll start calling you clingy and that you were getting too emotional or something.

It sounds like his interpretation of FWB is different to yours... I would be more in line with your thoughts but perhaps without the staying the night part as I think that's straddling the line into relationship territory for some people. I have a few girlfriend's who have a FWB situation and they tend to go over, hang out for a bit, shag and then go home.

I think perhaps telling him there was a "spark" might have been why he put an end to things. I think that might have been a red flag to him that you were more invested than he was. It's not excuse to treat you like crap though and any FWB that causes this much hassle just isn't worth it.

You seem like a self assured person who knows her self worth and isn't that what matters really at the end of it? Block the loser from your life.

"couldn't do enough for me - getting me drinks and making me coffees at our shared hobby. Always finding excuses to hang around me. The flirting. The staring as I walked past. You don't fake that sort of body language"

      Is that really all  you think  "couldn't do enough for me"  amounts to?    WTH do you imagine that kind of behaviour signified?   It's just very trivial , superficial, casual social interaction. Nothing to do with any serious feelings or commitment. 

    You signed up for no-strings sex and that's what he delivered.

I've always wondered what the mindset of women is who keep the casual sex requirements of men like the OP describes fulfilled. Now I know.

It's like setting a really low common denominator and expecting everyone else to be happy with it.

Casual, NSA sex might be cool to some but I don't think it's generally considered that healthy mentally. Or at least, while there are of course exceptions, it often correlates with personality or MH disorders, disordered patterns of thinking, previous abuse, and such like. it correlates to a lack of responsiveness to social expectations and a lack of shame/conscience.

So, no, I'm not on here to make some posters feel good about their own very niche sex choices or follow their narrative that we should all think it's great. Some people clearly get a kick out of pushing boundaries and upsetting people.

I think some of the comments on here to an obviously upset OP are disgusting. Her reaction is far more well adjisted and healthy than the "wow what a great honest man" brigade. And he wasn't honest. He was fake as fake can be.

Don't bother. He doesn't care! Your telling off will only cement in his mind that he was right to call it a day. He will not learn anything from you and it won't play on his mind. Waste no more of your valuable time.