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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ghosted in long term relationship

504 replies

Doingmyownheadin · 01/12/2020 11:47

Hi, sorry for the long post but just felt like I need to vent as I’m struggling.
I had been with boyfriend on and off 4 years, very much on since January and seemed to finally be heading to a good place. I’ve been accused of “going on about things” in the past and I admit yes sometimes I have been a little impatient about moving forward but it always seemed like such a struggle for things to move forward and I would bring it up and he would always have a reason why now wasnt the right time or he wasn’t quite there yet.
He has disappeared in the past and we have worked things out. However a week past Monday he completely disappeared again, I remember we hadn’t spoke that much that day (long distance relationship) and at night I was trying to chat but he went quiet. I felt that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that he was going quiet on me so later that night and the next morning I asked if we could talk etc but I haven’t heard from him since. I waited a few days and tried but nothing. It’s now been over a week and he’s gone. Has read my messages but no response.
So I assume we have broken up.
I don’t expect to get a message to officially end it and say goodbye and I know I need to move on but I just feel so rotten. I’m blaming myself and wish I hadn’t of “gone on” as he would put it but I only ever wanted is to finally get a secure place. I feel totally rubbish that in his eyes I am such a terrible person that he doesn’t even want to say a goodbye.

I want to just feel better and not go over in my head what I could or should of done differently. Sorry for the long post, I just feel lost.

OP posts:
Camellashes · 01/12/2020 12:19

You shouldn't blame yourself for what he has done. Ghosting you especially when you've had a long term relationship is a pretty gutless thing to do. It says more about him than it does you. You will get over this in time and you'll see that you had a lucky escape.

Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 01/12/2020 12:28

Thanks. I’m just feeling heartbroken, going from talking to someone nearly every day bar a few days here and there to nothing. I know heartbreak is bad however it happens but I guess the ghosting just makes me feel like it was all on me. It’s an awful feeling trying to talk to someone and they just outright blank you.

OP posts:
TheQueef · 01/12/2020 12:30

Uff, the coward!
Don't give him the satisfaction of attention.
Sorry he's such a shit Flowers

Ardenon · 01/12/2020 12:32

I promise you'll look back at this time with relief. Since you grieve you'll realise just how tough it was to be in an on off relationship with him x

Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 01/12/2020 12:34

Just right now I can’t see an end to feeling like utter shite.
We seen each other Saturday, all was great, Sunday was fine, Monday a little quiet but we were both busy at work! I try to chat Monday night, got a couple of short replies and then he’s gone!!!!!

OP posts:
Hunnihun2 · 01/12/2020 12:37

When did you last see him OP? I think you need to prepare yourself for him coming back.... block him. Do not give him the opportunity 4 years is too long to be on and off with someone he probably has a partner.

TheQueef · 01/12/2020 12:38

It doesn't feel like it but he's done you a favour.
He was never reliable or committed to you, at least he's 'only' ghosting a relationship and hasn't left you in debt etc.
He knows you are tying yourself in knots but he's still hiding and leaving you to deal with it.
Get angry now, you don't deserve this.

LumpyPillow · 01/12/2020 12:44

I would almost guarantee you have not 'gone on' about anything. Remove that from your head, now. You will have only been asking for normal relationship security, boundaries, contact and relationship progression. It reads as though you would have been asking for the very basics.

Flaky, pathetic, narcissistic baby men use the term 'you're going on about it' to describe a woman asking normal questions, sometimes infrequently, sometimes only once. It's their way of making YOU feel like you're the unreasonable one, of belittling your needs and feelings.

Please, stop the wishing that you hadn't asked him for the relationship basics.

Also, if you're anything other than age 13, then his ghosting behaviour means he's a pathetic cunt. Forget people who are willing to pretend you don't exist, what is the point when there are people out there who will want your time, be excited to hear from you, will want to commit to see you!

Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 01/12/2020 12:50

It was just the basics I was “going on” about. Maybe spending more time together, introducing him to some people etc. He did tell me that he was sick of going over the same subjects and it would happen when it happens without me having to make stuff happen.
I’m torn between feeling like I did go on too much and feeling like I deserved for him to make more effort. Although I’m kinda stuck now on the feeling like I asked for too much and should of been more chilled out or something. I think the ghosting has just had a bad affect on me.

OP posts:
Requinblanc · 01/12/2020 12:57

Such a cowardly thing to do after 4 years. You are better off without him...

Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 01/12/2020 13:28

I just don’t understand why I couldn’t of even got a message saying he had changed his mind or whatever. The deafening silence as the way to end it is really brutal. Not that I’m saying a message is any better but at least I would of known.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 01/12/2020 13:45

Asking for too much?
It was just the basics I was “going on” about. Maybe spending more time together, introducing him to some people etc
Did he introduce you to anyone he knew? Was he definitely single?

bangheadhere40 · 01/12/2020 13:48

This is awful! Has he definitely got the messages? Is he definitely single?

Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 01/12/2020 13:51

Yes I am sure he wasn’t with anyone else but he always said we weren’t stable enough yet to introduce to his family (due to our years of on and off) and that the first person he would of wanted to do that with was his child as he didn’t think it was fair other people knowing and his child not. So in his eyes we weren’t at that stage yet.
This was a new revelation though thy he told me a few weeks ago. Before that I was under the impression that he would tell friends as his mum first but apparently the reason is now because he hasn’t told is child yet.

I was just so looking forward to getting to the next stage and that didn’t mean meeting his child, to me that was further down the line but no one knew about me. He didn’t have any issues with who I told and actively encouraged it!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 01/12/2020 13:52

He has definitely got the messages yes. He went on and read them straight away. He has done this before so I know in my heart he’s disappeared.

OP posts:
ttigerlilly · 01/12/2020 13:58

What a spineless piece of shit. Sorry for my language but ghosting (regardless of how long you have been together) is such a nasty thing to do, and I am so angry on your behalf.

It doesn't feel like it now, but I think in time you will feel relieved to have escaped such a horrible person. I have been ghosted a few times before meeting my partner. You deserve the world Thanks

Divebar · 01/12/2020 13:59

I had a boyfriend once who was in the RAF. He ghosted me too although I don’t think it was called it then. Turns out he’d moved postings and gone to live in Wales where he ended up marrying a lady. He got back in touch a couple of years later because he was going to be in my area and wondered if I’d like to meet him in his hotel. Apparently I was the best shag he’d ever had. 😂. I’m telling you this OP just so you know there are other women in the world who have had this experience. The thing you could have done differently is not have him back after the first occasion of disappearing. Still you live and learn. Sorry you’re feeling a crap

Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 01/12/2020 14:07

I just wish I could fast forward a few months. I’ve invested so much time and effort into this man and he just doesn’t feel the same as I do. It’s just a bit gutting and to just up and disappear when he knows how I feel about him is just so difficult to get my head around and makes me feel like a total loser. I know in hindsight I should of walked away ages ago but I just really wanted it to work but the reasons why we didn’t work were always always put on me and how I acted.

OP posts:
TheQueef · 01/12/2020 14:14

It's deliberate.
He promises a future but keeps you in a precarious position like not blending friends/ family.
He would have to explain your absence when he acts like this and he doesn't want them to know what a weasely cock he is.

It isn't you it is all him.

Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 01/12/2020 14:22

I know you are right. It just makes me sad that he never wanted to integrate me into his life. He must of always been unsure of me and just had niggling doubts. Just wish things could have been different.
He usually messages by now after a week or so to tell me that he’s had enough and can’t trust that I won’t “go on” in future Sad

OP posts:
carlaCox · 01/12/2020 14:28

He sounds like a complete shit. Please promise me you won't get back with him. If I were you I'd just message him now saying "I can't do this anymore, as far as I'm concerned it's over". Otherwise you're still hanging on a thread, giving him all the power. You need to take back control of your life.

TheQueef · 01/12/2020 14:29

When I was ghosted I just wound myself up more because it's just not fair he shouldn't get to walk away like nothing happened, he at least owed me a conversation!
But I was judging him with my morality, like you are now.
It feels like you MUST have done something to deserve this, but you didn't I promise.
He isn't like you, he hasn't the decency or compassion to be bothered what you are going through.
Fuck him the cowardly cunt.

Rainbowshine · 01/12/2020 14:30

I think you should take control and end it. You know he’s a waste of time and energy, and a spineless idiot, he wants you to be the one to blame, that will happen anyway, so send a simple message saying the relationship is over, and you don’t wish to hear from him again. Block him on everything. Then focus on you and what you want.

ravenmum · 01/12/2020 14:33

Talking about you "going on" was just to distract you from his goings-on! They make you so focused on your own supposed failings that you have no time to notice what horrible little shits they are being. Really do not waste any more of your thoughts on that particular aspect. None of us on here believe his rubbish!

ravenmum · 01/12/2020 14:36

I'd make the message something like "Hi X, I've been thinking about your behaviour and have decided I'm no longer interested in a relationship with you. Hope you have better luck next time. Best regards, YYY"