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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ghosted in long term relationship

504 replies

Doingmyownheadin · 01/12/2020 11:47

Hi, sorry for the long post but just felt like I need to vent as I’m struggling.
I had been with boyfriend on and off 4 years, very much on since January and seemed to finally be heading to a good place. I’ve been accused of “going on about things” in the past and I admit yes sometimes I have been a little impatient about moving forward but it always seemed like such a struggle for things to move forward and I would bring it up and he would always have a reason why now wasnt the right time or he wasn’t quite there yet.
He has disappeared in the past and we have worked things out. However a week past Monday he completely disappeared again, I remember we hadn’t spoke that much that day (long distance relationship) and at night I was trying to chat but he went quiet. I felt that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that he was going quiet on me so later that night and the next morning I asked if we could talk etc but I haven’t heard from him since. I waited a few days and tried but nothing. It’s now been over a week and he’s gone. Has read my messages but no response.
So I assume we have broken up.
I don’t expect to get a message to officially end it and say goodbye and I know I need to move on but I just feel so rotten. I’m blaming myself and wish I hadn’t of “gone on” as he would put it but I only ever wanted is to finally get a secure place. I feel totally rubbish that in his eyes I am such a terrible person that he doesn’t even want to say a goodbye.

I want to just feel better and not go over in my head what I could or should of done differently. Sorry for the long post, I just feel lost.

OP posts:
TR888 · 01/12/2020 16:49

And I'd definitely reply, actually - but only in the casual way I suggested. You want to put a lid on this thing with some dignity and this is the way to do it.

OohThatCat · 01/12/2020 16:50

Consider this a bullet dodged, he sounds like an absolute terrible person and not someone to waste any more of your life on. Block him on everything and move on - he's paved the way for you to find someone who truly values you!

Monkeypeas · 01/12/2020 16:56

OP I really feel for you. I have been you, only worse. I wasted SIX years on a bloke who wouldn’t commit and was very on and off with.

Difference was we had been properly together and his family knew about me but then we broke up and became on and off.

After me pushing to solidify things and him resisting, I ended it for good. He kept crawling back in touch but I just couldn’t face more years of the same shit and being that much older and still in the same place so walked away.

Please delete all contact you have for him, see it as leaving him, the rubbish excuse for a relationship that you know deep down always gave you feelings of unease and insecurity in this equally rubbish year.

Next year is a fresh start and you will meet someone else once your head and heart aged free to do so

TigerDrawers · 01/12/2020 17:15

I've also been there... why are some blokes such arseholes?!

I had a FWB who I thought (note the "thought") I'd fallen for, even though he'd also kept me at arms length for a couple of years. I was convinced he'd eventually see he wanted to be with me. He didn't ghost me but it was clear he really did just see it as a FWB thing and was never going to look at me that way.

It hurt. It really did. But cutting off the communication did help. Over time I re-learned who I was and once I started liking myself again and realising that just because he didn't want me, didn't mean no-one did, I ventured in to the world of online dating.

I found my now DP on there and haven't looked back. It's amazing knowing there's someone who really does want to spend the rest of his life with me and I realise that my ex-FWB was just a stepping stone on the path to finding my DP. If I hadn't had the experience with him it wouldn't have led me to the same choices (a sliding doors moment perhaps?!).

I'm now back in contact with my ex-FWB as we were friends initially anyway and we're back to being acquaintances. I now look at him thinking "thank fuck for that!" Don't get me wrong, he's a nice bloke, but so, so selfish and even if he had committed we'd have been split up by now and it would have been even more time wasted.

My long waffling is to say that I know it hurts but listen to all the PPs who say it's him that's got a problem... not you. You deserve so, so much better and you're better off without him.

I'd probably not reply to him. If he then follows up on it just reply "I did get your message. I just didn't think it worthy of a reply" then block.

Look after yourself OP...

pinkdragons · 01/12/2020 17:37

Rejection is a really horrible pill to swallow.

It is an awful feeling and hard to move past.
But this man does not want a relationship and a future with you. He is not committed to you, and sounds pretty bloody horrible.

Accept it for what it is. You have wasted 4 years on this and it hasn't gotten any better. Accept the rejected feeling, take care of yourself and eventually you'll move on.
I don't think it will take too long for you to realise how shit this. You will be ok without him and you may well meet someone who adores you (give it a chance!) in a way he clearly doesn't.

Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 01/12/2020 17:39

I haven’t replied or blocked, just been say in my house a bit shocked and a pity party on the go. Though he has just sent another message saying I guess you don’t need to respond and I deserve that after not replying to but then he joked unless it means you are on your way over.

This is just all so shit. I just wanted normal.

OP posts:
pinkdragons · 01/12/2020 17:44

Do not go over there under any circumstances and he is right, he doesn't deserve a reply! Don't bother giving him one.

He really isn't worth any more of your time, he's wasted enough of your life as it is

pinkdragons · 01/12/2020 17:46

Would starting up some messaging with someone else help distract you? Dating apps possibly (you don't have to actually go and meet them) or someone else you might know and like who's unattached?

ADelicateFlower · 01/12/2020 17:48

He’s already showing you who he is by trying to reel you back in. He will pick you up and drop you whenever he likes. YOU DESERVE MORE THAN THIS. You don’t owe him a reply. BLOCK!!!

TR888 · 01/12/2020 17:48

There was a brilliant thread about ago by Runningintherain or similar username. Same kind of thing, her boyfriend disappeared only to tell her he wasn't really into her. "No need to reply" was a comment she found particularly upsetting.

She didn't reply indeed - and then he kept sending her stupid tiny messages to see if he could extract a reaction from her. She didn't budge and never got in touch - I wonder how she's doing. She sounded lovely.

OP, once he's given you the "no need to reply" line please do just that. I take back my earlier advice!

Awful man.

Armychefbethebest · 01/12/2020 17:49

I spent 2 years with a man child like this in my twenties would ghost for weeks on end then just waltz back in , until one day I said we are never going to change are we and he said probably not I call the shots this time and ended it , I didnt even feel anything at that point he got with a girl about a year later they are married now with a child so maybe I just wasnt long term material for him not excusing his shitty behaviour though and he wasnt long term for me either i have a partner who adores me as much as i adore them , the top and bottom is op relationships shouldnt be this much hard work ,yes you have hard times but you tackle them together never think this is all you deserve , ditch the prick and learn to love yourself for a while , non of this is your fault or there will always be a next time because you let him do it , take care op xxxx

bangheadhere40 · 01/12/2020 17:52

After your last update I think he's wanting a reaction and wants you to beg him. If not he would have left you be.

Please ignore him it will drive him crazy. On your way over....seriously how dare he!

bangheadhere40 · 01/12/2020 17:53

He's trying to denote you to fwb hoping you will say yes. Fuck him off.

Fenellapitstop · 01/12/2020 17:57

Please just block and delete him on everything. He's clearly pushing for a reaction from you and he's going to hurt you more x

Gifgif · 01/12/2020 17:59

I haven’t replied or blocked, just been say in my house a bit shocked and a pity party on the go. Though he has just sent another message saying I guess you don’t need to respond and I deserve that after not replying to but then he joked unless it means you are on your way over.
This is just all so shit. I just wanted normal. He's definitely looking for a reaction - nasty piece of work. Don't reply, block and move on.

JoeCalFuckingZaghe · 01/12/2020 18:11

@ADelicateFlower

He’s already showing you who he is by trying to reel you back in. He will pick you up and drop you whenever he likes. YOU DESERVE MORE THAN THIS. You don’t owe him a reply. BLOCK!!!
This
LumpyPillow · 01/12/2020 18:14

From his last response, it is clear He HATES that you haven't responded. Not because he has genuine care for you, but because he's not in control. I take it you normally respond quickly, and you mentioned earlier about not wanting to respond 'it's ok I understand' - but you may have done so before?

He's trying to guilt you into responding. He knows you're weak where he is concerned and wants to seek confirmation you're going to respond the same way you always have. He doesn't want you but he still wants to control you and your emotions.

The way he has worded the FWB part by saying he doesn't want to shag around, you do realise that is still him trying to convince you to agree to be his thing to continue to use, right? He's trying to appear 'nice' by saying he knows you wouldn't want to just be FWB. Manipulative.

He isnta nice man, or concerned for your feelings. His self, his ego is his primary concern.

I'm sorry you're feeling so shit but you need to. Don't bow down to this manipulator. Silence will work,

chemicalworld · 01/12/2020 18:15

I was with someone who used to cut me off like this, sometimes without a word or an e mail. It shattered me!

With time though, you will realise that he has been conditioning you to accept less than the basics. Four years of your life is FAR TOO MUCH to give to this man, who wasn't prepared to give you what you deserve. Telling you ,you are 'going on' is a way to keep you in place. This message is also to keep you in place, he is probably hoping you'll accept a FWB because he believes that you will do anything to be with him.

Don't reply, he will message you again, mark my words! Ignore him. You've given too much of your life to this person already.

Also, crying is good. Cry whenever you feel like it and talk to friends. I wish you well OP, you have always deserved better than what this man has to offer.

Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 01/12/2020 18:18

I just don’t possibly see how he expects me to reply. What does he expect me to say....yeah no worries, good luck with shagging other women, hope it goes well!
He just doesn’t grasp that I’m sad and he’s the one who is saying move on so what does he want me to do

OP posts:
OwlOneAmorFati · 01/12/2020 18:18

wow, you have to be some class of coward to ghost a long term girlfriend.

He isn't good enough for you

He is a coward. Who could disagree with that? You must see that!
He has very poor communication skills.
He went hot and cold on a regular basis.

Please realise that it was he who is not good enough for HIM

HollowTalk · 01/12/2020 18:20

On your way over? Only if it's to smash his windows.

It's clear that your lack of reply is making him nervous. Good. Don't reply at all - ever.

Lalaloveyou2020 · 01/12/2020 18:22

Check out the baggage reclaim blog. I think the mr unavailable and the fall back girl applies to you.

OwlOneAmorFati · 01/12/2020 18:22

@Windinmyhair

It isn't you, it is him.

His decision says more about him and his immaturity than it ever will about you.

You are good enough. He wasn't.

Wow, just seen your update. What a little shit.
Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 01/12/2020 18:23

I just feel like an idiot, I’m sure I said in one of my messages when he disappeared that I didn’t want it to end badly and we could at least part ways and say cheerio. And now I’m sitting here ignoring his explanation.
I just don’t see the point in replying

OP posts:
OwlOneAmorFati · 01/12/2020 18:24

@Lalaloveyou2020

Check out the baggage reclaim blog. I think the mr unavailable and the fall back girl applies to you.
I read this book. It was excellent. I had thought my situation didn't apply to being a fall back girl. But she takes you through every piece of bullshit you might be telling yourself. Highly recommend this book.